Lunatic Ravings! by TheWeirdcrap.com

 

- Lunatic Ravings -
06/07/01

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Lunatic Ravings!
By Stephen Johnson
Published Mondays and Thursdays
.

This Weeks
Commentaries:
Maculate Conception
Chick Shit for Chic Chicks
Lunatic Ravings
Ask Bob
   
The Archives:
2001
  Chick Shit...
  Lunatic Ravings
  Ask Bob
  Maculate Conception
2000
  Chick Shit...
  Lunatic Ravings
  Ask Bob









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For Disappointment, Email Stephen

 

Days of the New---"Days of the New"

"Where's Bob?"

That's a question I have been hearing a lot lately. Old people in grocery stores, crack addicts sitting in dark alleys, skateboard punks and many, many others are asking me the same thing.

Where's Bob?

I don't know.

I know there are a lot of people, like Jerome, that are glad he disappeared. Me, I could care less. Melissa doesn't remember Bob even though they had numerous sexual encounters in the broom closet. Bel was drunk when I asked him the question, so I really didn't get a clear answer from him.

What's very interesting is that Bob was constantly drunk and Bel is the same way. Are Bel and Bob the same?

Well, they both have three letters in their first names and the middle letters are both vowels, plus the beginning and end letters on both names are consonants.

Coincidence? Probably, but it's still something that should be looked into.

Both are male, I think.

Both have used "the" numerous times in their columns. Definitely not a coincidence.

They don't look anything alike, but that really doesn't mean anything with the advances in modern make-up. A little dab of mascara and Bob would be a dead ringer for Scatman Crothers.

Bob is short, Bel is at least 7 feet tall. Again, make-up could hide Bob's height disadvantage. Bob is hunchbacked so if he straightened his back he could reach 5 feet. I guess that might be stretching it a bit since there is no way any amount of make-up could make someone grow 2 feet.

Bob has scab encrusted feet and so does Bel. So do I for that matter, but it's probably some parasite that's infected us. Melissa is just one big scab.

So, Bel and Bob could be the same person, but doubt it. What causes my doubt is a cryptic email I received:




From: "Bob Senitram" BobS@weirdcrap.every1.net
To: webmaster@weirdcrap.every1.net
Subject: GO TO HELL!!!


"Dear Mutha-Sucka's!

I just wanted to drop you a note to let you all know that you are all Facist Bastards and I love you all.

I'm outta here!

Take your stupid, funky-smelling piece of shit website and shove it up your butts!

I have found religion, so bless you all!

God Bless you to HELL!!!

And bless your up your collective asses.

Hopefully our paths never cross because I swear I'll kill you all!!

So you can go to heaven just that much sooner.

The CIA has been shifting through my bowel movements so I decided to store my feces in jars and keep it all under the sink. Now, my Landlord kicked me out and I have no place to stay.

It is not safe to follow me or to try to find me. Don't ever call me, or come knocking on my cardboard box while I'm sleeping.

I'm dizzy and I see a light. I must follow...

- END OF EMAIL -


I know there's a message in there somewhere regarding Bob's
whereabouts, but I'll be damned if I can find it!!

Maybe I'll look into this some more and have an answer in my next column unless I can find something better to write about.


COMING NEXT: I bet I have the world's largest toenail collection!!

Click Here if you wanna give Stephen "A Good, Ass Whuppin."
Snide_Remarks@weirdcrap.every1.net

A new Lunatic Ravings pops up each Monday and Thursday.

 


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