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Lunatic Ravings - 08/06/01
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday and Thursday
Electric Light Orchestra---"Zoom"
If you happened to read Bob's latest column, you now know his problem with Ben Gay and women.
The funny thing is this has been going on for a long, long time. Bob has always had a problem with rubbing stuff
on his penis and the mating ritual.
One day I decided to take him to a bar. He jumped up and down for hours when I told him the news. When I finally
calmed him down, he decided that he should take a shower in order to "smell good for the ladies".
What I didn't learn until later was that he rubbed some Old Spice deodorant all around his pubic area in case he
happened to get lucky that night. He figured that the smell of musk on his penis would drive the women wild.
What he didn't realize was that rubbing Old Spice deodorant on or around your penis causes severe burning that
lasts for a long time. Because of this, he was pawing at his crotch the whole time at the bar which is a definite
turn off to normal women.
So, don't feel pity for his recent Ben Gay accident. And don't feel happy that his wife came back, because I paid
her to go back to him so that makes her a whore. Actually a really cheap whore considering what I gave her. This
brings me to Mr. Dickfuck on TNN.
.
The station is running some promos where they ask people what their vice is. I happened to catch the one where
they talked to a guy who said his vice was lying.
You see, he goes to bars and picks up women by telling them he's an archaeologist!!! He just throws some big archaeological
words about and he catches himself a lucky woman!!!! (Insert laughter and cheers here.) I don't know why some moronic
buckethead would go on national TV to let the world in on his little secret. Chances are great he can't spell "archaeology'
much less his own name. Obviously he isn't too proud of his current job so he has to live in a fantasy world, but
I guess if your full time job is collecting grocery store carts and you're not proud of it, you might as well imagine
yourself doing something different.
I can only hope that some woman sees this promo and is approached by this guy. Maybe she'll also lie and tell him
that she is normal when she is really quite insane. Maybe she'll take him home and chop his dick off and shove
it down his throat then throw his naked bleeding ass out in the street.
Maybe some woman will lie and tell him that she's really 19 when she's really only 16 and then call the cops on
him when he's asleep in her bed. How about someone lying and stating that they're a woman when they're really not?
Let's take it a bit further!!! Why don't we start a rumor that he is into bestiality? How about necrophilia? How
about a mixture of both? That's it!! He's a bestrophiliac!!!!
I say fuck him and hope he gets hit by a train when he's stumbling home drunk some early morning. That's normally
what happens to pathetic losers.
Which brings me to Michael Jordan.
Fuck him too. There's only so many times you can retire, and that should be once. If he comes back, I hope that
when he's in midair with his tongue hanging out, someone connects with a stiff uppercut causing his mouth to snap
shut severing his tongue. I guess then he could retire for good.
Which now brings me to Mariah Carey.
She's a dirty little stripping slut who's had a nervous breakdown. Never saw that coming.
COMING NEXT: The return of Jerome!!!!!
Email Stephen
snide_remarks@weirdcrap.every1.net
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