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Lunatic Ravings - 08/20/01
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday and Thursday
38 Special---"Anthology"
I like the taste of my scabs.
If allowed to age properly, my scabs remind me of a good piece of Grade A beef jerky. As long as I let the scab
grow, in a few days I have a healthy snack to look forward to. And it comes from my own body!!
I had an excellent scab this past week. It developed after I had to shovel some rocks. Being a mighty, mighty he
man, I didn't wear any gloves and developed a huge blister on my thumb.
I did the proper thing and popped the blister and then tore of the loose skin. I took proper care of the wound
and soon was greeted with the formation of a large scab.
I let the scab do it's own thing, knowing that eventually I would have a wonderful treat. I tried to ignore it's
growth, but every time I did happen to glance at it, I found myself salivating.
The big day came when I was stopped at a red light. I glanced down at my thumb and saw that the scab was loose.
My stomach started to growl and I knew that the time was right.
I grabbed the scab between two fingers and started to gently rip it from the skin. I guess I pulled too hard because
scab ripped free and flew out my car window.
I watched in horror as the scab flew through the open window of the car stopped next to me into the eye of the
driver.
The light turned green and the car next to me took off. I watched as it went through the intersection, spin around,
hit the median, flip over and smash into the front window of a fast food restaurant.
I drove to the restaurant needing to get my snack back. When I entered the restaurant I saw the driver of the other
vehicle lying on the hood of his car as convulsions racked his body. The employees and patrons who hadn't been
crushed by the car were busy screaming as if something horrible had happened. I calmly walked over to the car,
which had now burst into flames, in order to find my scab.
As luck would have it, the scab was stuck in the convulsing man's left eye. I quickly pulled it out and stuck it
in my pocket. I looked around to make sure no one was looking, then took a spork and jammed it into the man's throat.
"No need to worry," I said to the screaming people as I backed away from the car, "this guy is definitely
dead and won't need any of your medical help."
WIth that the screaming stopped and I left the restaurant, with my scab safely tucked into my pocket. I did eat
the scab later that day and it was the most flavorful one I have ever had.
Which now brings is to Jerome.
No matter how may tubes he has shoved into his body, he's still a trooper. Soon to debut on THIS SITE will be Jerome's
own column!! Stay tuned.
For those that can't wait, here's a sneak peek at what he's capable of writing:
'Fuk yu al. I hope yu al di. I hav to shit in a bag. Do yu? I didn't thnk so."
Wow. I can't wait.
COMING NEXT: You're it.
snide_remarks@weirdcrap.every1.net
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