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Maculate Conception - 08/07/01
By Bel Garion
Published each Tuesday
Dear Bel,
Quite recently I moved in with my girlfriend. Everything has worked out great except my parents speak to me now
as if I am going straight to hell. You know, like I am a lost cause or something. Please help.
-Jim
Well I flew down to Tampa, Florida to visit little Jimmy and help him take control of his situation. He picked
me up at the airport and off we went to have lunch with the wife and his parents. His parents arrived, and politely
sat down, I suppose they could tell I was a saint from my nice gray suit. They looked like descent folk and I told
them I thought so and that it was very nice to meet them. Then there was a loud crash in the front of the restaurant.
His girlfriend, I could hear their silent prayers in my head and could tell from the look on his parents faces
that they just knew it was her. Well, they were right, not only is she clumsy but she is also extremely heavy.
When I saw her coming, I didn't panic, or laugh. I knew just what to do. God sent me here on a mission. I finished
my drink and politely asked his parents to meet us in the back of the restaurant. I then picked up this poor misguided
young man and made for the back door. He screamed a little when I broke his arm, but he is ok now. His parents
and I took him away to a safe place and had an 'intervention'. Afterwards I said to the parents, "Now you
have seen how a saint behaves in a crisis situation. I led you and your child to safety. You may have noticed that
I didn't make any value judgements, and simply brought you here. I have cured your son of his insanity and I can
see that it was good that I came as soon as I did. However, despite my self-control and composure, I did feel a
little bit tense - which you may have deduced from the fact that I drank a large glass of water, something I never
do under ordinary circumstances."
Jim's father, despite his thankfulness for what I had done for his son snickered a little, but didn't say anything.
"What are you laughing at?" I asked.
"That wasn't water," Jim's father replied, "it was a large bottle of soy sauce."
COMING NEXT: Peanut Butter fantasies
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