Alarmingly Strange Stories
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“DOLPHINS ARE BETTER OFF DEAD”, proclaimed the billboard, a dustily painted reminder to “VOTE FOR J. P. MARLEMAN, RECONQUEST PARTY”. Pete drove on by, having read the sign every morning going to, and every evening returning from, the city. He coasted past the “YEILD” sign with the dirty picture of the Swedish woman covering the “D”. He never stopped. There were never any other cars. There had never been a J. P. Marleman or a “Reconquest Party”, Pete had checked. The sign, which originally read; “MARGRET THATCHER SAYS THAT ‘DOLPHINS ARE BETTER OFF DEAD’, VOTE FOR J. P. MARLEMAN, RECONQUEST PARTY, HE AGREES”, was intended as a joke, satire long past it’s relevance. Somebody had, at some time and for reasons unknown, presumably covered “MARGRET THATCHER SAYS THAT”, and “HE AGREES”, just as the “D” was on the “YEILD” sign. For perhaps the same reason no one had ever objected. The creator had either died or acquiesced, unaware or not. The billboard stayed, toweringly inefficiently. Pete realized, from time to time, as he looked at the cracked wood and paint, that it could say just about anything, and no one would care. Pete never mentioned the sign to anyone; sure that anyone who wanted to had already seen it. Others rolled past it, on their respective ways to the city or home or anywhere in between. No one had ever said anything to Pete. One time he had seen a police officer picking at the dirty picture with a knife, but had given up after cutting himself. He hadn’t gotten very far. The top left corner had a pair of shallow, half-hearted nicks in it. One day, before driving past the “DOLPHINS ARE BETTER OFF DEAD” billboard on the way home, Pete stopped into a local grocery store. The clerk attempted small talk as he rang up purchases, often to no avail. “What do you know?”, he amiably asked Pete. “”Dolphins are better off dead”, replied Pete nonchalantly. There were no repercussions. The intersection at which stood the “YEILD” sign with the picture on it was about halfway home for Pete. The billboard was half a mile from his home. It, being situated where it was, and given the ghost townish rural region, was Pete’s closest neighbor. The house that was otherwise nearest him was abandoned, the widow unable to sell and living in the city. Pete had never told any of his clients that “Dolphins are better off dead”. He rarely spoke to his clients as it was. He had very few clients. The ones he did have had been clients for the last twenty years, at least, and were either untreatable or apathetic. More so the latter. They refused to call, knowing that Pete would be unable to help them. Pete refused to call, knowing that they wouldn’t come anyway. “Se si beau”, he would say in these situations. Pete never took high school French, and was, if you asked, unable to tell either what “Se si beau” meant, or how to spell it. He had heard Eddie Haskell say it on “Leave It To Beaver”. Pete also liked to say “Que Lastima”, which means “What A Pity” in Spanish. That much Pete did know. “DOLPHINS ARE BETTER OFF DEAD”. That much Pete did know. “Se si beau” means “So Beautiful”. Pete was pretty sure that none of his clients lived anywhere near him. He was also pretty sure that none of them would know what he was talking about if he said “Dolphins are better off dead”. None of them would probably know what “Se si beau” meant, either. One or two of them would like to hear about the dirty picture of the Swedish woman. Que lastima. Pete, after another day unable to help anyone conquer anything, drove back home. He once again coasted past the “YEILD sign, its back to him and it’s warning for someone else. He could not see that the dirty picture of the Swedish woman had been removed, scratched off along with most of the paint from the “D”. The sign still read “YEIL”. Pete liked to read literary magazines. He had them sent directly to his home, hoping that the mailman who brought them noticed the billboard and “YEILD” sign. He didn’t like being the only one who knew. When he wrote checks, he found himself writing “Dolphins are better off dead” in the memo space. He never regretted it afterward.

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