| I wake with a sudden start I sit upright drenched in sweat. I look at the clock and
discover it's 4 A.M. I sit up, sweat dripping from my forehead. Wishing desperately that I had just awakened from
a nightmare. I hate what comes next. The chills will come slowly at first and then intensify. Kind of like sex:
the slow build up and then the intense climax. The only thing it lacks is the pleasure, the intimacy or joy. Pain
and pain and depression and pain replace it. After two hours of repeated bouts of the chills the vomiting session begins. I stagger towards the toilet. Weak and still shaking in a feverish daze. Before I can reach the toilet vomit erupts violently from my mouth. It comes with such sudden force that it shoots from my nose and mouth. I cover my mouth in a vain attempt to stop its flow. The vomit comes in violent rushes and flies between the cracks in my fingers. I slip and fall into my own vomit. I lay shaking on the floor looking at specks of green and red floating in the bile. Must have been the burger I had last night. Fuck it, I tried but I cannot quit. I really did try. I hate myself for it. I despise myself but I need it. My whole body cries for it. I start to get excited at the thought of heating the spoon and the thought of the needle gives me a sense of relief. I hate myself for giving in. I hate myself for getting excited about ducking out. I accept defeat and crawl to the nightstand to get what I need to "duck out". My body rejoices as my heart sinks. My veins greedily drink the heroin in. I start to feel better immediately. I feel worse at the same time. The chills subside but my spirit is dead. The nausea subsides as the warm tingling sensation takes over. My mind wanders to better times, wasn't always like this. I had control once or so I thought. I've always liked to party. Most of the time I was in control but like most everyone else I would go over the edge every now and then. The first time it happened Yvonne was there. Yvonne is a lady I work with. She seems kind of mysterious. It's odd because I've heard all kinds of bad things about her but I don't see it. She seems to be a nice person to me. Then again I don't know if her looks are clouding my judgment. I know it's not right but the better a person looks the more chances they get. The uglier you are the nicer you have to be. If a ugly girl breaks up with you it's no big deal. If a fine girl breaks up with you it's tragic. So Yvonne remained a mystery to me. I wanted to trust her and I did like her but I remained guarded with her. I would flirt harmlessly with her on a daily basis just because it was fun. I like the way she dressed; she would wear outfits that complimented her figure. Not that her figure needed much complimenting. Face it, she was a babe. She always smiled and seemed nice so I didn't really know why people talked bad about her. I decided to remain guarded. Friday the thirteenth came and a lot of my coworkers and I decided to laugh at superstition and have a party. I arrived at the party at about 9:00 P.M. Not that early and not that late. I decided to drink slowly because I didn't want to be the gossip on Monday morning. I was pleasantly surprised to see Yvonne there looking fine as usual. I went up to greet her and noticed that her husband wasn't there. I asked her where her husband was and she replied "fuck that bum." This is bad, this is very bad, I thought. She was obviously distressed and pissed. |
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