A Rat Ate The Refrigerator?
by
Rebelbagwan

I shoved the key in the apartment lock, pushed the door open and headed for the refrigerator, drooling for the cold pizza from last night. I had been anticipating sinking my teeth in that juicy crust all the way home, rounding the kitchen curve there was a huge empty space where the fridge had been.

Hot anger, righteous wrath, shot through me seeking a target. I yelled:

"Keith you lousy junkie bastard, I'll kill you, you piece of crap"

I listened for a response and heard "tubular bells" playing on his antique turntable and a pathetic whimpering just audible from his room.

I flew through the lounge grabbing my sportsbag on the way and flung open his bedroom door. With intense restraint I said :

" God I would love a piece of COLD juicy pizza right now and maybe wash it down with a COLD beer"

Keith was locked in fetal position with a terrified look on his face, emitting sobbing moans, with his back on the wardrobe door.

"Tubularbells", was jammed on a scratch and kept playing the same horrible notes over and over.

"How much did you get for it ?" I asked disgusted

"I…I…I…didn't sell it man, a huge rat ate it and its… in the wardrobe"

It was at this point I lost my cool and lunged at Keith, dragging him away from the wardrobe giving him a couple of hard smacks around the face and a nasty punch to the short ribs.

"Don't open the door, man" he moaned, not seeming to notice the fury of blows. Grabbing a truncheon from my sports bag I attacked Keith's miserable antique turntable and felt a surge of relief as the record disintegrated.

Not being happy yet, I pulled the pump action shotgun from the bag and unloaded 2 fiery loud blasts in what remained of Keith's prize record collection.

"Big rats in the cupboard eh?" I started to feel better.

Grabbing the wardrobe door I almost pulled it off its hinges and froze in absolute terror at what I saw. A huge rat about 5 feet high was calmly eyeing me from the inside of the wardrobe, it was in the process of eating a pair of Keith's never washed, prissy club pants.

I slammed the door closed and foolishly said "Why didn't you tell me?"

I backed away and considered the situation. Keith was crawling on the floor towards the door and began to paraphrase segments from The Tibetan Book of The Dead:

In the3rd bardo demons will appear and begin chewing and devouring the traveler, the clear minded one should remember it is only a harmless projection of mind and remain at peace"

"Shut up, rats that size are hard to kill and if they don't exist, it makes it that much harder" I coldly replied.

For a moment the profundity of the statement threw me, but hard boiled life and death cynicism came to my aid and I emptied the remaining cartridges into the ward robe. The gun erupted, the rat squealed as the old cupboard blew into big shellacked pieces.

"Shouldn't have done that, shouldn't have done that "Keith whined.

As the smoke and splinters cleared I understood why.

The rodent was untouched and dirty angry, baring his metal ripping teeth at me.

I began retreating out of the bedroom into the lounge.

"What a disgusting way to die," I thought. He sprang at me, but was distracted by a sudden courageous movement from Keith. I turned and saw Keith holding a freshly stolen iMac, walking calmly toward the rat.

Keith suddenly tossed the iMac at the killer vermin, saying " Eat this , mere phantom of mind"

The rodent obliged and quickly crunched the whole effeminate contraption as if it were a gourmet meal.

The grotesque creature began to buckle and sway, letting out a final burp, I smelt pizza on the monsters breathe and knowing when it was time to put the boot in , I pulled the automatic from my leg holster and emptied all the slugs it into the still quivering, Mac poisoned form.

I glanced at Keith and felt a stab of reverence for this mad Buddhist junkie, I went over and playfully shot a hard, sharp jab to his kidneys. Keith buckled and shrieked with pain.

I helped him up and said:

"Lets eat out, pizza on me!" I added "How much did you get for the fridge anyway, Keith, I want half"

Copyright M.J.Goulding 2001

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"Rebelbagwan's Weird Fiction Collection" http://www21.brinkster.com/rebelbagwan/index.htm

The End

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