Title: The Road to Deliverance: Gaining Insight

Author: Court Jester

Category: MSR, Post-ep for All Things

Spoilers: All Things, Millennium

Rating: PG-13
Archive: Ask nicely and I might say yes!
Feedback: Graciously received at court_jester_21@hotmail.com.

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine!  I borrowed them from Chris Carter, 1013, Fox, Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny just to have a little fun with them.  I promise they will be returned unharmed, and I promise that I make absolutely no money from this, so please don’t sue!  Thanks!

Summary: What really happened in Mulder’s apartment at the end of All Things!

I’m not sure what has happened here.  When I opened my eyes this morning, I thought I might still be in a dream. Then I blinked. And blinked again. And again. And again. And strangely, the image before me did not change.  I took a few deep breaths, and slowly the memories of last night came back to me.

Yes, I had come here last night to spend time with a friend.  Not because of work.  Not because of health issues.  Not as the bearer of bad news or on a one-woman man-hunt with a directive from AD Skinner.  No, last night I came here as a friend, and it had been a social engagement.  Even now, it seems funny to think of myself having a social engagement.  My social life has been dead and buried for so long that the grave marker has been rendered unintelligible by weeds and weather. Yes, last night was a social engagement. Pure social interaction.  Wow.

Last night, when I walked in here, I had no idea how my life would change in the next few hours.  He had unlocked the door and ushered me in with a gentle hand on the small of my back, cracking a joke about how badly he needed that cup of tea I had offered.  And as he shut the door behind us, we unconsciously committed ourselves to the chain of events that was inevitable for the evening that lay ahead.

I had scrounged around in his sparsely furnished kitchen, and finally appeared in his living room with two steaming cups of tea.  I found him hunched over those same photos of the crop circles that were the “debunked phenomena of the week”.  He didn’t notice my presence in the room, even as I stood over him.

“Mulder,” I called, pulling him back to reality.  He extended his hand to take the cup I offered to him.

“Sorry Scully.  I guess I’m still looking for something in these photos.”  He pushed the photos aside, and took a sip of his tea.  Murmuring his approval, he settled back in to the couch.  I took a seat beside him, and began to sip my tea as well.

We sat like that for some time, silently brewing in our own heads, drinking from our teacups.  I must say, it takes a great deal of comfort with a person to be able to sit together in silence.  It’s not a common occurrence in your general, everyday relationship.  It’s often perceived as uncomfortable or awkward, whereas, here we both felt perfectly natural sitting in silence. 

Eventually, the silence was broken with a question of my activities over the past few days.  I took a deep sigh, and began to carefully weave a version of the events of my weekend that could have passed as truth.  But then, I found myself spilling more and more than I had meant to share.  Why had those words come out of my mouth?  Why was I telling him these things that I couldn’t even utter to my priest? 

My heart began pounding as my brain was catching up with my mouth, and the crumbling walls that I had so carefully built ceased their demise as I pressed my lips together in silence.  I stared into my lap, not knowing what else to do.  Not knowing how else to regain the composure I had lost so quickly.  I had told him about Daniel, about the affair, about running away to the FBI, about the events at the hospital, everything, and I had nothing left to keep to myself.

When I finally had the courage to look up into Mulder’s eyes, the sight sent my walls crumbling into oblivion once again.  It was not surprise nor shock at my disclosure, but pure interest, and maybe a tinge of jealousy that I saw in his eyes.  Then he cleared his expression and simply said, “What else happened?”

My walls shot up as I prepared myself to lie and say nothing more had happened, but then I remembered the lesson I had learned in the temple, and I knew I had to be honest with him if he were interested enough to listen.  So I drew in another deep breath as my walls retreated and I began to finish my story.  Somewhere along the way, I noticed I had abandoned my shoes under the coffee table and abandoned my teacup on top of it.  When I was finished, we sat again in silence, and I began to feel the calming effects of the tea taking over my body.

Finally Mulder said, “I just find it hard to believe.”

“What part?” I asked, curious how he would respond.

“The part where I go away for two days and your whole life changes,” he replies, and I think I might have sensed a bitterness in his tone.

“Mmm, I didn’t say my whole life changed.”

“You speaking to God in a Buddhist temple.  God speaking back.”

“Mmm, and I didn't say that God spoke back.  I said that I had some kind of a

vision.” I was beginning to wonder how far this conversation would go.

“Well, for you, that's like saying you're having David Crosby's baby.” I smiled, glad that he was taking all this well enough to joke about it.  I sank back into my thoughts for a moment before they were disturbed.

“What is it?” he asked.

“I once considered spending my whole life with this man.  What I would have

missed.” The nostalgia of the moment was not lost on either of us, but he forged on ahead with the conversation.

“I don't think you can know.  I mean, how many different lives would we be

leading if we made different choices.  We... We don't know.”

“What if there was only one choice and all the other ones were wrong?  And there were signs along the way to pay attention to.”  I now realized how many signs I may have missed in my life, as I was attending to the wrong things.  And I realized what a scary statement that was to hear coming out of my mouth, and how naturally it had rolled off my tongue.  The weight of these thoughts, these words, this conversation, had all taken their toll on me, and it suddenly seemed to difficult to hold up my head.  I laid my head back against the couch as Mulder continued.

“Mmm. And all the... choices would then lead to this very moment.  One wrong turn, and... we wouldn't be sitting here. . .” Mulder’s words were molasses on my ears and as much as I tried to listen, the darkness was pulling me under.

The next thing I knew, I was back in the white place.  I heard the drills, the mechanic sounds of the high-tech machinery.  I heard voices in my head I did not recognize in a language I did not understand.  I wanted to run, to scream, but I was paralyzed, I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, only silently observe what was being done to me.  I felt the pain take over my body, as I could think of nothing else, and I screamed in my head and prayed for it to stop.

Then I found myself inside the temple again, revisiting the vision.  I saw my life appearing before me, passing just as quickly as it appeared.  This time, I found it strikingly odd that these images were all events that I believe had occurred in my life.  It seemed strange, since I did not think of these glimpses as memories but a part of the vision.  If I had chosen the wrong path, wouldn’t there be glimpses of the life I didn’t choose?  Couldn’t this ethereal being that had such a strong hold on me show me what I had missed?  In spite of the lesson I had learned, it seemed cruel not to see the paths I didn’t choose.  Then a realization washed over me like a cool stream.  There were no other paths.  There was no life I didn’t choose.  This was the only life for me, the only choice, the only possibility.  I suddenly felt a deep sense of loss as I realized what this experience meant for me.  I could no longer fall back on my scientific explanations for every file that entered our office.  No, I had experienced this phenomenon that had changed me, and I couldn’t go back.  I found myself weeping uncontrollably on the floor of the temple, the grief rolling off of me as teardrops.  I was changed, I was different, I could admit that I hadn’t a choice in this life that meant a damn thing, and yet I needed to make my own choices in order to survive, to keep myself from going insane or committing suicide.  It was a dangerous, vicious circle that reminded me of the snake I had forever imprinted on my back.  The tears had not slowed, and my chest was wracked with sobs when I suddenly heard someone calling my name.  Mulder? Where are you?  MULDER?

And I awoke with a start.  Sitting up on Mulder’s couch, I tried to regain control of my breathing.  I touched my face, surprised to find it dry.  I had not shed a tear.  I looked around, trying to get my bearings.  Trying to figure out what had happened here.  I saw the blanket draped across my lap, and it came together.  I must have fallen asleep here.  I looked at my watch. Two-thirty in the morning.  I had to get home.  I had to get some real sleep before work tomorrow.  I stood shakily and collected my shoes.  I peeked in Mulder’s bedroom to be certain he was asleep, then quietly returned our teacups to the kitchen.  I slipped into my shoes and had my hand on the doorknob when I heard a voice behind me.

“Don’t go.”  I turned around to find Mulder leaning against the doorframe in the living room behind me.

“Mulder, it’s two-thirty in the morning. Why are you awake?” I whispered, though I wasn’t sure why.

“I know it’s late, Scully.  Just stay for a few more minutes,” he implored as he took a few steps closer to me.  “Scully, are you alright?  What’s wrong?”

I realized that he had read the signs.  He saw my body still shaking, the blood drained from my face, my breaths still drawn quick and uneven.  “I’m fine Mulder, I just had a bad dream,” I admitted defenselessly.

“Come on, Scully,” he said as he took my by the arm, and lead me into the kitchen.  “Do you want a glass of water?”  I shook my head in refusal.  “Coffee then, to wake up for that drive home?”  As much as I wanted to sleep, I knew that I didn’t want to fall asleep at the wheel, and nodded my acceptance.  Mulder began to busy himself with the duties of operating the coffeemaker.  I felt like I was moving in slow motion as I methodically washed and rinsed our teacups from earlier.  I set them out to dry on the dish rack, then lifted my hand to the cupboard to find two coffee mugs.  I was surprised to rub knuckles with Mulder, who had apparently thought to retrieve the coffee mugs himself.  I withdrew my hand, and allowed him to take them out of the cupboard, but I felt a sudden unexplainable flush in my cheeks and stepped back from the counter.  I found that the after-effects of my dream were mostly gone, but I still felt a strangeness that I couldn’t explain.

With the coffee finished, Mulder and I took our steaming mugs back into the living room and sat on the couch.  We had traded places this time, but it seemed too similar to what we had done earlier in the evening.  I sipped my coffee slowly, digesting these new experiences and trying to make sense of it all, but Mulder held his mug in his hands for a few moments before setting it on the coffee table untouched.  He turned his body toward me, and I looked over at him, wondering what he would do next.

“Scully, I asked you to stay because I have something I wanted to tell you.  I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time, and I’ve just been waiting for the right moment.  But something about your story about what happened to you these past few days really made me feel that I need to get it out in the open.  Maybe it’s the cover of night that gives me such confidence, I don’t know, I just know that I couldn’t sleep until I told you this.”  My mind was reeling as he paused to lay his hand over mine.  “Scully, I love you.”

I looked into his eyes for a moment, not believing what I’d heard, but as the scientist in me analyzed the situation, I found my reply.  “Well, I love you too, Mulder.”  I saw the relief in his eyes, then continued, “I mean, we’ve put our lives on the line for one another everyday for seven years.  That type of dedication has to inspire some form of love.”  I had begun to wonder what turn of events had inspired him to spout his true feelings to me, and then I saw the hurt in his eyes.  I watched him look down at his lap, forgetting that he still had ahold of my hand, as he tried to compose his next words.  They came quickly, and he turned his face up to meet mine once again, calm and composed.

“No, Scully, I mean I’m in love with you.”  He said it as if it were something he told me everyday, his face calm, his eyes steady, awaiting my response.

I think my lips formed an “oh”, but I don’t believe I uttered a sound.  I paused for a moment to collect my thoughts, then set my coffee mug on the table, and gently covered both mine and Mulder’s hands with my free hand.  I looked up into his eyes as I spoke.  “I’m in love with you too, Mulder.” 

He looked as if he were a deflated balloon, the way he collapsed and hung his head.  But my worries were dispelled when he lifted his head again with a smile on his face.  I smiled back at him as he reached for me and pulled me into his embrace.  He held me for a long time, and then he said, “How long?” His deep, quiet words were a shock, even in this comfortable silence.  I didn’t respond immediately, and he asked again, “How long have you known you were in love with me?”

“Awhile,” I replied, “I don’t think there was an exact moment.”

“Why didn’t you let me know?” he asked, his voice lined with pure curiosity.

“Well, I had tried, but there was always so much standing in the way.  I thought I was dying of cancer.  It just didn’t seem right.”  I paused, hoping he would reply to that so I didn’t have to go any further.  When he didn’t respond, I finished in a low voice, half hoping that he wouldn’t hear me. “When Diana came along, I guess I gave up hope.”

He pulled me tighter and buried his face in my hair as he breathed, “Oh, Scully!”  When he released me, he held me by the shoulders at an arms length.  “I’m sorry to do that to you.  I’m sorry I hurt you, and I’m sorry we had to wait so long to get to this.”  I was surprised to see tears welling up in his eyes, and one slid down his cheek.  I reached up to brush it away, letting my hand linger on his cheek.

“I don’t think there would have been any other way to get here, Mulder.  I don’t think there are any other paths.”  He dropped his hands from my shoulders, and looked at me in amazement.  Eventually his expression faded away as another thought crossed his mind, and I dropped my hand from his cheek.  I sat patiently, hands folded in my lap, next to him but not touching, as I awaited his next move.

He turned to me again and said, “Scully, can I kiss you?”  The sweet innocence of the question took me by surprise, and I could only nod in reply.  He moved closer, and I leaned in toward his face.  I watched his eyes as he neared me, steady and blazing, and the intensity of them forced me to close my eyes as I awaited the touch of his lips. 

He was leaned forward on his hands, one on the back of the couch, and the other on a cushion, and neither of them touching me.  He was so close I could feel the heat radiating off of him, but he wasn’t touching me.  At first I thought he was trying to drive me crazy, then, as he kissed me I realized he was only nervous.

It was a simple kiss.  Soft lips, no tongue, light pressure and fleeting in all it’s glory.  It wasn’t too dissimilar from our New Year’s kiss, and as I opened my eyes slowly, I expected to see disappointment in his face. 

Surprisingly, Mulder looked terrified, and it finally occurred to me what a big step this was for him.  How nervous he must be through all of this.  All evidence I had seen of Mulder’s past relationships was rooted in avoiding commitment.  He had probably never truly gotten to know a girl before kissing her, and probably hadn’t cared too much about her after sleeping with her.  Seeing his anxiety in this situation, I knew that he saw this as a whole new playing field, vastly different than any relationship he’d been in before, and this boosted my confidence.

I smiled broadly for his benefit, then gently grabbed his chin and slowly pulled his face toward mine until our noses almost touched.  “I bet I can do better,” I said, teasingly, hoping he would not take it the wrong way.  Then I reached up and pressed my lips against his, slightly more pressure than our last kiss, but still soft and lazy.  I licked his upper lip, hoping he take the hint, and then slowly teased him with long kisses before sending my tongue into his mouth.  His lips parted as I’d hoped, and then he finally relaxed and fully responded to my kisses.  Our mouths opened wide as we slowly devoured each other, but we never raised the leisurely pace I had set.

When we finally parted, it was him who smiled first this time.  His hands still rested on my knees where he had placed them as my lips met his, and I suspect he knew how badly I wanted his hands to run all over me, and yet, he controlled himself and kept his hands planted.  I hope he could see the love in my eyes, that he was gaining in confidence that I really did love him.  It struck me later that we had reversed roles.  I was the believer, ready to explore this latest development in our partnership, while he was the skeptic, testing the waters before each step he took. The smile didn’t fade from his lips as he said, “Aww, give me another chance.” 

I didn’t have time to give him another chance, because he took it forcefully.  He laid a hand behind my neck and pulled me to him, wrapping the other arm around my back.  I encircled him with my arms as his lips met mine with a strength I’d never know before.  My mind was suddenly fuzzy from his presence, or maybe it was his hands, finally laying claim to what had been his for so long as they roamed my body aimlessly.  I couldn’t get enough of him as I pressed my body closer, and pressed my mouth to his, hoping for more.  If this felt so good, wouldn’t more feel even better? It seems to be an instinctual question the mind asks in these heated moments, because I believe Mulder was looking for more as well. 

He began scooting backwards on the couch, pulling me along with him, and making room to lay me down on the cushions.  I pulled my feet up as I lay flat on my back, never losing contact with his mouth, and he lost no time climbing up on top of me.  I could now feel the hardness growing between his legs, and I purposely pressed myself against it, achieving a moan from deep in his throat.  By that time we were both sufficiently out of breath, and I pulled away from his mouth in order to get more oxygen.  But Mulder had different ideas, as he gently pushed my head to one side and began kissing the side of my neck.  In between gasps and moans, I tried to tell him to be careful.  That it just wouldn’t do to show up at the office tomorrow with a hickey on my neck, but I’m not sure if he got the message.  He continued to tease the skin around my neck and shoulders until he too could not stand to be without oxygen another minute, and he pulled away, gasping for air.  I ran my hands along his chest, waiting for his breath to return.  When he could speak, he asked, “So, uh, now what?” He half smiled as he said it, but I could tell he was still afraid of what I might say, afraid that I might not really love him after all, or that I might not have the same things in mind for this early morning hour that he did.

Teasingly, I asked, “Well, are you taking suggestions?”

“Yes ma’am,” he replied with a wide grin. “All night long.”  I was glad to see he’d regained at least some of his confidence.

I leaned up so I could whisper into his ear.  “Bedroom?”  He looked at me again with wide-eyed amazement, and then jumped off of me so quick, I might as well have been on fire.

The End

Ok, don’t worry, I am planning a sequel in which Mulder and Scully will make it into the bedroom!  Thanks for reading, and I’d love to hear feedback at court_jester_21@hotmail.com!  You can visit my homepage at https://www.angelfire.com/scifi2/court_jester/ to find more of my works!  Thanks again and have a great day!

~Court Jester