Oh, and I never did leave the house today. I called Samantha to see if we were still on for beading things and she wasn't there so I talked to Peter for over an hour and a half. We've spent so much time on surface subjects it was nice to have the opportunity to talk about things that made my brain work. That makes me happy. Thinking about things that I hadn't thought...to...well think about. I always knew that he had more to offer than jokes but there hadn't even been the opportunity. There was either a crowd, or a movie about to start, or a comedian on stage that stopped us from TALKING.

That's why I didn't go out, I felt if I had already accomplished so much.

What did you do today?

Well, I hesitate to call it a pram...

I've been thinking about this poem for a few weeks now, so I thought I'd share it with the class. I wrote it nearly 11 years ago on New Years Eve.

More than sex,
Less than love.
Caught between
Carnal and comfort.

Wanting more
Fearing less

Trapped within the sensations
The tastes, the sounds.
Cross the line
And kill the deal.

Wanting less
Fearing more.

Distrust commitment
Anticipate seraration
Long for something else --
What's a girl to do?

Arg. The mail didn't come in until after 3:30 yesterday and I had to get all my stuff done later in the day than I would have liked. I fixed my hair color; I am again your cute, little blonde friend. Now, I'm waiting for Safeway.com to bring my groceries so I can trundle down to Walgreens to get a few things for the weekend. I.E. mouth wash and Trazadone so I can sleep tonight.

I'm supposed to go to Davis today with Samantha, but I haven't heard from her. I sent an email and left a message on her phone so I've done all I can. If I haven't heard from her by the time I have the groceries put away I'll head out into my day. I can't sit around all day waiting for my beloved, flaky friends. You know?

In the midst of my "is my friend really willing to have sex with me?" dilemma the first candidate got back in touch. I have given up on him. Maybe I shouldn't but the trust is gone. I still want to be his friend but there will be no sex unless he can prove that he is (sorry) worthy of my trust. And a casual IM, that I had to start, after several months of no contact will not do it.

Bad night's sleep again. I'm feeling spacey. In Fight Club insomnia is discribed as feeling like everything is a copy of a copy, which is true for the first few nights but then everything is sharp. Everything is spiked, ready to wound. Colors, shapes, especially sounds.

Just thought you needed to know.

I did not sleep well last night. I couldn't fall asleep then I couldn't stay asleep. I finally gave up the fight for slumber a little after 7am. The home owner and family are on vacation in Maine and have sublet over my head to a family with two boys.

CLOMPCLOMPCLOMP the ceiling over my bed goes. I lay quietly, hoping that if I ignore it, the sounds will give up and go away.

THUDCLOMPSHUDDER the walls cry out next to my bed. I roll away, back to the offending wall.

SHREEKHOLLERSPLASH the windows declare as they throw shadows around my room.

So, anyway, I'm up.

I'm awaiting my unemployement check so I can go pay the phone bill and take in a movie, NorthFork has Rick in it so I want to see it. Color remover and hair dye, something for dinner, and I nice lie down all await me as I await the arrival of the bringer of the mail.

I must be tired; I'm waxing poetic.

I emailed my friend to clarify what he meant and to apologize for blurting it out at such a bad moment. He accepted my apology, and told me that he is only having sex with his girlfriend at the moment. What I take from that is that it was a joke/tension breaker.

I'm at once relieved and disappointed.

The brain is an odd organ.

I hate to use one of my first chances to blog in a very long time to air some of the troubling thoughts bubbling in my head.

I wonder now if turning down my friend for sex was a good idea.

I don't know who I would trust more with such a task. He knows me well, not that well, you understand, but well enough to make what could be a bad situation into an enjoyable one. I wonder now if he might have been joking; breaking the tension that my disturbing news created. I'm on the verge of asking him if it was a joke, but what if it was? I don't know if I want to know. The thing is, I don't think he finds me attractive so what could the act be for him, but an act if not a joke.

I can't stop thinking about it.

I'm tempted to direct him to this post so he see what my brain is doing.

What should I do?