Epiphany

Yesterday, in therapy, I surprised myself.

See, last week I was talking about how people who have had a lot of tragedy in their lives seem to be fuller in how they are. The way they talk, the way they express themselves in general, and as I was leaving Chrissa says I said something that made her believe that I thought she had lived a charmed life. She brought it to my attention and asked what I had meant.

I thought about it. I don't remember saying it, but I do think she lives a charmed life. Then I realized that I didn't get anything from her that lead me to that conclusion, I just wanted her to be living a better life than I have because I liked her and cared about her.

As I finished saying this to her, I started to tear up. When Chrissa asked why, I told her that I surprised myself; after all I've been through I still have the capacity to care that much about someone I haven't known all that long. It was as I said it that I realized it.

It is an epiphany to me, that I can feel this much love after feeling nothing but fear for so long. As I look at my friendships, I can see that it's true but it never occurred to me to be any other way. I can see now that the man that I love will be loved fully and completely. I can finally see that the man that loves me will be lucky.

As I tear up again, I sign off.