Love or sex

Some people fall in love with the same person again and again and again even though they know that it will end quickly and with as much pain and embarrassment as possible.

I wonder if that's why I can't fall in love at all. I fall all the time it's just that the guy doesn't know to catch me. I can't fall in love eye to eye. I try to, but I pick someone out of my reach, someone who can't see me, can't perceive of me as a woman. There's something about me that makes the male population look upon me at most as a friend at the least in the way.

How do I break this trend? I can't tart up without feel like a child playing dress up or a hopeful fool. Neither feel all that good.

Postcard

Here is the postcard that I got yesterday. Click on image for a larger view.

Those sweet, silly girls.

And another week ends

I just want to feel like I've accomplished something.

In a month I'll be 43; 42 (the meaning of life, the universe, and everything) has not been the full on, take no prisoners, gonna get me some sweet lovin' year that I was hoping for.

But on the up side, I've made some wonderful friends and helped some people.

I got a postcard from Di and Tara today that really made me laugh. I still haven't reinstalled the scanner software, but I will tomorrow just to scan this postcard. It made me happy to think that they were thinking of me during their alone time. And it's fucking funny, too.

Those girls...

Calendar update

I've updated Joe's calendar.

Don't just sit there, make plans to see him.

NOW!

Confused

Okay.

So, Cobb's site says that Jake will be there the end of September.

Jake's site says that he will be there the first week of September, which is what I want, because of the birthday thing I was whining about in an earlier post.

The thing is; which do I trust? Jake should know when he's going to be somewhere and Cobb's is becoming known for screw ups.

Jesus.

I'm bored. Can you tell?

I don't know that I've ever posted so much on one day and said so little.

I miss Di. I'll bet she's having a blast, road trippin' with Tara. I envy them. I miss Theanna. I want to have the chance to hang with her, but that isn't going to happen for a while. I don't have the money or the means to get to her and she's in school and has a family that relies on her so she can't get to me.

I miss her. I'm so lonely right now. I should have gotten dressed up and gone to GET IT!? tonight. I just didn't feel like being around people, but it would have been nice to see Joe. And Kamau.

Doesn't someone want to come sit on my lap?

A reason

I haven't seen the sun in days. I think if I could get into some sunshine I would feel better.

Does anyone want to go out and play tomorrow?

Heartbreak for no reason. Again

I can't believe that I'm feeling this way again. I was coasting along, feeling okay with things, letting people love me, maybe a little lonely but feeling okay. Then last night, at 8:30pm PDT, I felt heart broken.

Some indefinable love was taken away.

It's more of a background heartbreak today, but it's still there. Like there has been a warm hand on the back of my neck all this time, encouraging me to work harder at being happy, but now it's gone and my neck and my soul is colder for its loss.

I need to be held. Nothing with promise, just a arm around my shoulders while we watch a movie or talk with friends.

Maybe I do want something with promise. Maybe I do want something more than just warm shoulders.

I'm tired of trying harder, of keeping my inner doors propped open with trembling, weary arms.

Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just found out that my favorite way to spend my birthday won't be happening this year.

Jake Johannsen, who up until recently was scheduled to play Cobb's on September 5th, has been rescheduled for the end of the month.

FUCK!

I was looking forward to that.

Sunday nights at the Punch Line is a Showcase night, which won't be so bad as long as Joe is there. And Di will be there. It will be fun.

I'm just disappointed because I was making plans in my head.

You'd think I'd know better.