HALFREK: Listen, Anya. I know I've always been a little competitive with you, I mean, there was that thing in the Crimean War, we laugh about it now... But the fact is, I've actually always looked up to you. You were the single most hard-core vengeance demon on the roster, and everybody knew it. Do I have to mention Mrs. Cholgosh?

ANYA: Good times.

HALFREK: And then you lost your powers. It happens, and ... you fell for this Xander guy...

ANYA: It was a glitch. A summer thing. I am *so* back in the vengeance fold.

HALFREK: No deaths. No eviscerations. You're not goading women into anything inventive, and you're not delivering when it is.

ANYA: I don't even know what-

HALFREK: Waitress downtown wished her husband was a frog? You made him French!

ANYA: He's smelly! A-and with a little mustache, she-

HALFREK: Listen, Anya. If it was just me...

ANYA: What do you mean, if it was just you?

HALFREK: D'Hoffryn? The lower beings? They're all feeling the heat. Something's rising. Something older than the Old Ones, and everybody's tail is twitching. This is a bad time to be a good guy.

ANYA: What is this, an intervention? Shouldn't all my demon friends be here?

HALFREK: Sweetie... They are.

***

WILLOW: I felt the earth. It's all connected. It is, but ... it's not all good and ... pure and rootsy. There's ... deep ... deep black, there's ... I saw, I saw the earth, Giles. I saw its teeth.

GILES: The Hellmouth.

WILLOW: It's gonna open. It's gonna swallow us all.

***

BUFFY: Dawn? I'm close by.

DEAD MAN: Too late. But then, you're always too late, aren't you? Sure as hell didn't save me.

BUFFY: Where's my sister?

DEAD MAN: I think she's lost.

BUFFY: I'm the one who let you die, why take it out on her? I'm right here. Come on, what are you after? Fear, revenge? Tasty brains?

DEAD BOY: I think I'd like Dawn to be my girlfriend.

BUFFY: Again, wrong sister. I'm the one that dates dead guys. And no offense, but they were hotties. I mean, I-I'm sure you had a great personality...

DEAD GIRL: Were you busy making out with your dead boyfriend while I was ripped to death by a werewolf? Is that why you let me die?

DEAD BOY: I was screaming for help when they pulled me-

BUFFY: Hello! Not making myself clear. I don't care how you died. I'm sorry for your loss, but where is my sister? Dawn!

DEAD MAN: She's not gonna hear you. This place is like a maze.

DEAD GIRL: This place is ours now. It was built on our graves.

DEAD MAN: All we want is for you to leave, so we can rest again.

***

BUFFY: Probably show up in a sec.

SPIKE: Nobody comes in here. It's just the three of us.

BUFFY: Spike, did you see Dawn? She came down here with some kids.

SPIKE: Don't you think I'm trying?! I'm not fast. Not a quick study. I dropped my board in the water and the chalk all ran. Sure to be caned. Shoulda seen that coming.

BUFFY: What did you do?

SPIKE: I tried ... I tried to cut it out.

***

BUFFY: You know what they are?

SPIKE: Manifest spirits controlled by a talisman, raised to seek vengeance. A four-year-old could figure it.

BUFFY: (Into phone) Hang tight. I'll find you. These things can hurt you. You could hurt them too. Find a weapon. I'll come for you. Spike, you gonna help me out?

SPIKE: This is my home. I belong here. Always been here. Cheers for stopping by. ...It's in the wall.

BUFFY: I'll ... get back to you.

***

WOOD: Listen, I know this school's reputation. What, you think I got this job based on seniority? We got a lot of troubled students here, and just enough money to keep this place from caving in.

BUFFY: Yeah, you might need a little extra there.

WOOD: Well, we do have a community outreach program ... and the money we could pay you wouldn't even fold... but it would just be a couple of days a week.

BUFFY: Are you ... asking me to be a counselor?

WOOD: Well, I have a guidance counselor, but I was thinking the kids could use someone, you know, closer to their age who still-

BUFFY: I'm in.

WOOD: Are you serious? You – you did hear the part about the money, right?

BUFFY: Yeah, I heard. My schedule might be a little funtastic ... but, uh, I'll work it out. I'd like to keep an eye on this place.

WOOD: That's great. Look at that, it's not even noon and I've already bullied my first family member into helping out. I'm gonna be the best principal ever.

***

SPIKE: Uh, the thing is... I had a speech. I learned it all. Oh, god, she won't understand, she won't understand.

WARREN: Of course she won't understand, Sparky. I'm beyond her understanding. She's a girl! Sugar and spice and everything... useless unless you're baking. I'm more than that. More than flesh...

GLORY: ...more than blood. I'm ... you know, I honestly don't think there's a human word fabulous enough for me. Oh, my name will be on everyone's lips. Assuming their lips haven't been torn off. But not just yet. That's all right though...

ADAM: I can be patient. Everything is well within parameters. She's exactly where I want her to be. And so are you, Number 17. You're right where you belong.

MAYOR: So what'd you think, you'd get your soul back and everything would be jim-dandy? Soul's slipperier than a greased weasel, why do you think I sold mine? Well, you probably thought that ... you'd be your own man. And I respect that. But you-

DRUSILLA: -never will. You'll always be mine. You'll always be in the dark with me. Singing our little songs. You like our little songs, don't you? You've always liked them, right from the beginning. And that's where we're going.

MASTER: Right back to the beginning. Not the bang ... not the word ... the true beginning. The next few months are going to be quite a ride. And I think we're all going to learn something about ourselves in the process. You'll learn you're a pathetic schmuck ... if it hasn't sunk in already. Look at you. Tried to do what's right. Just like her. You still don't get it. It's not about right. Not about wrong.

BUFFY: It's about power.

***

Beneath You

SPIKE Now is not the time, you know it, I know it, making them understand - a totally different matter. No manners, is the problem, proper breeding, respect for etiquette, all of it lacking... All of it lost on 'em ... Bye-bye, lunchtime. Not the time. Not hardly ready... Stop. Please, mum. Begging now, make it stop. Make it ... God ...

***

DAWN 'Cause, seriously, just speaking for all the people who are me in the car? We're very excited.

BUFFY Well, I'm glad for all of you then.

DAWN It's just so cool. You're coming to school with me! You'll be like, right there, the whole time. You understand you can never talk to me, look at me, or hang out anywhere near my friends, right?

BUFFY You've been very specific.

DAWN It's just, I don't want my big sister humiliating me five days a week.

BUFFY Three. Three days a week. I'm only doing this community counseling gig part time, so if you want to be embarrassed Tuesdays and Thursdays? You're on your own, Missy. I doubt you'll see me at all, assuming I even half-understand my fuzzy job description ...

DAWN It's not fuzzy. You're what, dealing with "troubled" kids?

XANDER At a spanking new Hellmouth High. Please. Outside of drugs, violence, unwanted pregnancy and the unleashed hordes of Armageddon that come pouring out the school's foundation every now and then ... what kind of "trouble" could these kids have?

***

XANDER I dunno what's not clicking for me right now.

BUFFY Well, that thing with Anya...

XANDER The leaving her at the altar thing?

BUFFY Yeah, that one. That's not something you just bounce right back from.

XANDER Sure it is. She bounced back to being a Vengeance Demon and I bounced back to being a dateless nerd.

DAWN Do you guys talk at all?

XANDER I've seen her at The Bronze a couple times... guess there's a lot of scorned women there making Vengeance wishes on their exes.

BUFFY That's where I go to get my scorn on...

DAWN You guys should really ease up with the whole "dating demons" thing.

BUFFY Hello, I'm sorry… wasn't that you having the smoochathon with teen vampire last Halloween?

DAWN See? This is why I don't want you talking to my friends!

***

BUFFY Can I give detention?

PRINCIPAL WOOD Okay by me. A little authority can be a wonderful thing. Just remember that while you're here to help, you're not their friend. Trust me, open that door, these students will eat you alive.

BUFFY You heard about Principal Flutie, right?

PRINCIPAL WOOD Hmm?

BUFFY Forget it.

***

GILES Try to be very specific. What is it, exactly, you're afraid of?

WILLOW Ho. Well. For starters? How about the Hellmouth's getting all rumbly again and now I know it's got teeth and are those literal teeth 'cause I don't know if I can handle it, and what if I can handle it? Does that mean I have to be a bigger, badder badass than the source of all badness? What if I have to give up all this control stuff and go all veiny and homicidal and what if ...

GILES ... They don't take you back?

WILLOW A-huh?

GILES Willow. We could remain another two years here, training and practicing, learning to hone your powers. And still, you'd be no way of knowing for sure if the friends you left behind are still your friends at all.

WILLOW Well ... sure. I mean you put it that way - duh.

GILES I would offer some guarantee you'll be welcomed back in Sunnydale with open arms. But I can't. You may not be wanted. But you will be needed.

WILLOW That all you got?

GILES For the moment, yes.

***

BUFFY We're going to get into this. And if your dog's alive, we'll find him. I promise. The only thing we need ...

SPIKE What you need is help. Fortunately ... you've got me.

***

BUFFY You've changed.

SPIKE I have.

BUFFY Nice clothes. Better hair. And not so much with the crazy, I like it. Now what do you want?

SPIKE Easy. If you think I like putting myself here, surrounded by people who don't particularly like me. ...You'd be wrong.

XANDER If you're uncomfortable, we could make you leave.

SPIKE I'll be quick. We need to talk. Want to do that here, or privately?

XANDER I'm thinking here - in the company of good friends and pointy weapons.

***

BUFFY Don't start out by saying you're sorry.

SPIKE I didn't come to atone.

BUFFY Then what the hell do you want?

SPIKE Only to help you.

BUFFY Help me what?

SPIKE I was kinda hoping you'd tell me. You're the Slayer. Connected to visions, the long line of worthies. Riqht? I'm just a guy with his ear to the ground, but even I can feel it: something's coming. Don't know what, exactly, but something's brewing and it's so big, ugly and damned, it makes you and me look like little bitty puzzle pieces. If I'm wrong - say so. Lovely. No hard feeling. I go out that door and you can lock it behind me with any spell you like. So. Am I wrong?

BUFFY Everything about you is wrong, Spike. But something is coming.

SPIKE You're gonna need help.

BUFFY Since when did you become the champion of the people?

SPIKE I didn't. I'm just a guy who can lend a hand, if you let me. Ball's in your court, Slayer.

***

BUFFY Xander. Take Nancy home. Drive, don't walk and try not to stop 'til you get there.

XANDER Understood.

NANCY Is your girlfriend always this ... commanding?

XANDER Who - Buffy? Oh, she's not ... I mean, she's a girl, and a friend, but she's not my ...

DAWN Xander? Little drool?

BUFFY Spike and I'll check out the site of the attack.

XANDER O-kay ... Buffy, in the biggest way, I am not loving this plan. I'm not loving Spike. He ... He tried to rape you.

BUFFY And failed. I know I can take him.

***

DAWN Spike? You sleep, right? You, Vampires. You sleep.

SPIKE Yeah. What's your point, nibblet?

DAWN Well, I couldn't take you in a fight or anything, even with that chip in your head. But you do sleep. And if you hurt my sister, at all, if you touch her -- you're gonna wake up on fire.

***

SPIKE You're awfully quiet.

BUFFY I wouldn't know what to say.

SPIKE Fine with me. I was more than half expecting to get an earful anyway and when exactly'd your sister get unbelievably scary?

BUFFY What are you doing?

SPIKE What? Told you once. Straight up. I'm here to help. And that's all.

***

BUFFY So, what happened to you?

SPIKE You saw yourself. Those ghostly types down in the school basement got in my head. Made me flat-out, bug- shagging crazy. And I'm not exactly bragging about it, but they were ... stronger than I was. Made me see things. Do things. ...And how come you didn't tell anyone you saw me?

BUFFY Dunno. I guess ... I was partly hoping you were some kind of mirage.

SPIKE Sorry to disappoint.

***

SPIKE Look. I can't blame you for being all skittish.

BUFFY "Skittish?" That's not a word I'd use for it. You tried to rape me. I don't have the words.

SPIKE Neither do I. I can't say "sorry" and I can't use "forgive me." All I can tell you, Buffy, is I've changed.

BUFFY I believe you.

SPIKE Well, that's something.

BUFFY I just don't know what you've changed into. You come back to town, you make with the big surprises - twice - and I don't know what your game is, Spike, but I know - there's something you're not telling me.

SPIKE You're right. There is. But we're not best friends anymore, so too bad for me - I'm not sharing. We've been through things. The end of the world and back. I can be useful, because honestly? I've got nothing better to do. Make use of me if you want.

***

NANCY Well ... thanks. And that's a couple levels of lameness right there, isn't it? Me saying "thanks," after all you've done tonight ...

XANDER Well you could slip me a twenty, but then I'd have to act all offended.

NANCY Got it. So, you think I might, instead, give you a call sometime?

XANDER Just to check in.

NANCY No, I'm actually hitting on you.

XANDER Even better. I'm very listed.

NANCY And I'm very pushy, so that works out, then.

***

BUFFY Anya, that thing you created burst through solid pavement and ate her dog.

ANYA Aww. Puppy ...

XANDER Wait. That gets your sad noise? People's lives are in danger and you give it up for the yorkie?

ANYA You never understood me, Xander.

***

ANYA Ow! Hands off the merchandise Spike- you don't get to go there again.

SPIKE Please - I've already forgotten our little time together.

NANCY I thought you were Xander's ex- girl friend.

ANYA I am.

NANCY But you and Spike ...?

ANYA We had a thing.

SPIKE Didn't last.

NANCY But weren't you Buffy's ...

SPIKE Briefly.

BUFFY Never serious.

NANCY Are there any of you who haven't slept with each other?

***

ANYA Oh my God ...

SPIKE What are you staring at?

ANYA Oh my God ...

SPIKE Right - let's go.

ANYA How did you do it ... ?

BUFFY Spike. What's she talking about?

ANYA I can see you ...

SPIKE Nothing. Let's go. Got some worm hunting to do ...

ANYA How did you do it?

SPIKE Shut up.

ANYA It shouldn't be possible ...

SPIKE Shut your mouth, you.

ANYA How did you get ...

SPIKE I said you shut UP!

***

BUFFY You haven't changed, Spike.

SPIKE Ooh, working out some personal issues, are we? Guess this'd be first contact since you-know-when ... up for another round in the balcony, then? Right you are, Love. I haven't changed, Not a lick. And watching your face, trying to figure me out was absolutely delicious.

***

ANYA What do you want me to do?

XANDER Reverse the spell.

ANYA It's not that easy, Xander!

XANDER You can do it.

ANYA Sure, the spell part. But what about afterwards? What about me? I'm in enough trouble as it is. Halfrek's all over my case, D'Hoffryn is not pleased with my work and you don't want to see him unhappy, trust me ...

XANDER Nice friends you got.

ANYA Nice friends I had. Chums, co- workers, bridesmaids ... oh I had the whole package until something fell apart, now what could that be, Xander?

XANDER You saying this is my fault?

ANYA All I'm saying is, none of this happened until you dumped me at the altar.

XANDER And sooner or later, Anya, that excuse just stops working.

***

SPIKE Too much pain and damage, up close, right inside me. All the way, deep, deep inside me ...

BUFFY Spike! Whatever you're doing ...

SPIKE Get AWAY!

BUFFY Do it somewhere else. I'm through with this.

SPIKE Oh, Lucky Girl. Call it quits, now there's an option. If only it were so easy, if only, if only and ... What the hell are you screaming about? I can hear you, no need to SHOUT!!! I get it, joke's on me, lotsa laughs. Bring the wife and kiddies, come and see the show, 'cause it's gonna be a circus. This? Just the beginning, love. A warm up act. The real headliner's coming and when that band hits the stage, all this ... ALL THIS ... will come tumbling in death and screaming and horror and bloodshed. From beneath you it devours. From ... beneath ... Poor Rocky.

***

SPIKE It didn't work.

BUFFY What the hell are you—

SPIKE It didn't work. Costume. Didn't help. Couldn't hide.

BUFFY No more mind games, Spike.

SPIKE No more mind games. No more mind.

BUFFY Tell me what happened to you.

SPIKE Hey, hey! No touching! Am I flesh? Am I flesh to you? Feed on flesh. My flesh. Nothing else. Not a spark. Oh, fine. Flesh, then. Solid through. Get it hard, service the girl.

BUFFY Stop it! You—

SPIKE Right. Girl doesn't want to be serviced. Because there's no spark. Ain't we in a soddin' engine?

BUFFY Spike, have you completely lost your mind?

SPIKE Well, yes. Where have you been all night?

BUFFY You thought you could just come back here and be with me?

SPIKE First time for everything.

BUFFY This is all you get. I'm listening. Tell me what happened.

SPIKE I tried to find it, of course.

BUFFY Find what?

SPIKE The spark. The missing… the piece. That fit. That would make me fit. Because you didn't want… god… I can't! Not with you looking. I dreamed of killing you. I think they were dreams. So weak. Did you make me weak? Thinking of you, holding myself and spilling useless buckets of salt over your… ending. Angel, he should have warned me. He makes a good show of forgetting but it's here in me… all the time. The spark. I wanted to give you what you deserve. And I got it. They put the spark in me… and now all it does is burn.

BUFFY Your soul…

SPIKE A bit worse for lack of use.

BUFFY You got your soul back. How?

SPIKE It's what you wanted, right? It's what You wanted, right? And now everybody's in here, talking. Everything I did, everyone I… and Him… and it… the other. The thing beneath… beneath you. It's here, too. Everybody. They all just tell me go. Go… to hell.

BUFFY Why? Why would you do that?

SPIKE Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he mustn't? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev— To be a kind of man. And she shall look on him with forgiveness and everybody will forgive and love… and he will be loved. So everything's okay, right? Can we rest now? Buffy, can we rest?

***

Same Time, Same Place

Buffy: Yeah. It's gonna be weird seeing her. What do you say to someone in this situation?

Xander: I'm gonna say "Hi, Willow."

Buffy: C'mon. You're saying it's not going to be the least bit strange? We saw her kill someone. She was about to kill Dawn—

Xander: And Giles wouldn't let her leave unless she completed that whatever recovery course.

Dawn: Right. Right?

Buffy: She kinda didn't finish.

Dawn: She didn't finish? She didn't finish being not evil?

***

Willow: Anya, don't! Don't run away.

Anya: What are you doing here? I thought you were with Giles studying how to not kill people.

Willow: I just got back.

Anya: Just got back, as in you're all better, or just got back to bring about a fiery apocalypse of death.

Willow: Neither, but I-I have been studying, working real hard, and I-I'm gonna be fine.

Anya: Oh. Good. 'Cause I remember the last time you said that. I've spent a lot of time since them cleaning the debris out of my ex-livelihood. Stuff like that.

Willow: Well, yeah, I wanna help any way I can with that. I-I feel really responsible.

Anya: You feel really responsible? You are really responsible!

Willow: I-I know I hurt you and—and everyone. I'm sorry.

Anya: Here's something you should know about vengeance demons: We don't group with the "sorry." We prefer "Oh, God, please stop hitting me with my own rib bones."

Willow: Go on. Say whatever you want. Rib bones and so forth. I-I deserve it.

Anya: Then you won't mind? Well, then, that's no fun.

***

Buffy: No skin.

Xander: Tough to look at.

Buffy: And yet my eyes refuse to look away. Stupid eyes.

Xander: I found it first thing this morning. I gave my crew the day off, and I called you right away.

Buffy: I got to get a job where I don't get called right away for this stuff.

***

Spike: You go off and try to wall up the bad parts and put your heart back in where it fell out. You call yourself finished, but you're not. Worse than ever, you are... You went away. You've been gone since...

Willow: I needed to go, but I'm back now. And I found... There's a body.

Spike: Tragedy. Is there blood?

Willow: Uh, I, Yeah, and I can't find Buffy or Xander or Dawn. And there's this thing killing people. And the victim was... skinned. What could do that?

Spike: You did it once. I heard about it.

Willow: Anything other—other than me?

Spike: Look at you... glowing. What's a word means "glowing"? Gotta rhyme.

Willow: Spike?

Spike: Oh, ah, no. I-I-I should hide. Hide from you. Hide my face. You know what I did.

Willow: What you did? You didn't do anything... did you?

Spike: Everyone's talking to me. No one's talking to each other.

Willow: Spike, please try to listen to me.

Spike: Someone isn't here. Button, button... who's got the button? My money's on the witch.

***

Spike: You went away. You've been gone since...

Buffy: The church. You scared me a little. I didn't—I didn't know what to think.

Xander: We're here for a reason, Spike.

Spike: Tragedy. Is there blood?

Xander: He knows. He must have seen the body.

Spike: You did it once. I heard about it.

Buffy: Spike, we need to know who did this.

Spike: Look at you... glowing. What's a word means "glowing"? Gotta rhyme.

Buffy: Spike, please...

Spike: I-I-I should hide. Hide from you. Hide my face. You know what I did.

Xander: Boy, he's extra-useful today.

Buffy: This isn't the time.

Spike: Everyone's talking to me. No one's talking to each other.

Buffy: Might as well go.

Spike: Someone isn't here. Button, button... who's got the button? My money's on the witch. Red's a bad girl.

Buffy: He's talking about Willow.

Xander: And that means something because he's chock-full-o-sanity.

Buffy: Maybe he saw her.

Spike: They think you did it. The slayer and her boy. They think you took the skin.

Buffy: Is there something here? Something that killed?

Xander: Her boy? I'm her boy?

***

Anya: This isn't going to get all sexy, is it?

Willow: I'd be shocked. OK, do you have your powder?

Anya: Oh, I ate that... I have it.

Willow: OK, we scatter it over the map, and everywhere there's a demon, a little light appears.

Anya: Oh, pretty! Will it hurt the carpet? Hey look—that's me! Hello. What's that huge clump?

Willow: It's the high school. It's all hellmouthy is underneath.

Anya: Things have been stirring there lately. Is it getting brighter?

Willow: Smoke!

Anya: Ah! OK. Remember our talk about the carpet?

***

Anya: Well, as it turns out, teleporting isn't a right, it's a privilege. I withdrew a vengeance spell last week, and this is my punishment. I can only teleport for official business. I have to file a flight plan and everything.

Willow: Oh. I'm sorry. That must be hard.

Anya: Yeah, it bites a pretty big one. And the vengeance itself, i-it's not as fulfilling as I remember.

Willow: Really? 'Cause I got the impression that you enjoyed—you know, inflicting.

Anya: Well, causing pain sounds really cool, I know, but turns out it's really upsetting. Didn't use to be, but now it is.

Willow: Is it like you're scared of losing that feeling again. And that having it be OK to hurt people. And then you're not in charge of the power anymore because it's in charge of you?

Anya: Wow, that was really over-dramatically stated, but, yeah, that's it.

Willow: I get it. Believe me.

Anya: I'm sorry, Willow. I wish it were better for you.

Willow: You too.

Anya: It did get a little sexy, didn't it?

***

Dawn: OK, so I looked up demons that skin their victims and demons that flay their victims 'cause, you know, same thing. There's a ton of prospects. Anything else gone? Uh, eyeballs, toenails or viscera? That's guts.

Buffy: She knows about viscera. Makes you proud.

***

Spike: William's a good boy. Carries her water, carries her sin. Supposed to get easier, isn't it. Supposed to help to help, but it doesn't. Still so heavy.

Xander: Should've put a leash on him.

Buffy: Yes, let's tie ourselves to the crazy vampire.

Xander: You really think it's gonna work?

Buffy: It's pretty easy. Spike follows the exciting smell of blood, and we follow the fairly ripe smell of Spike.

Dawn: It's smellementary. Also, I'm sure there's tons of stuff like this. You know, procedures we can use that don't involve magic spells. Just good solid detective work. And we can develop a database of tooth impressions and demon skin samples and I could wear high heels more often.

Buffy: Wow, that was so close to being empowered.

Dawn: Everybody loves a slender ankle.

***

Buffy: That's a rock cliff.

Xander: Well, give him a break, Buffy. Maybe it's a vicious skin-eating rock cliff.

Spike: There's a cave in it. Look. I'm insane. What's his excuse?

***

Gnarl: Look at the shorn lamb. See how it trembles. Is it the cold wind? Ah! Or is it that the flock is nowhere to be seen?

***

Gnarl: No way out now. No way out.

Willow: Protect me, Goddess. In thy name, I supplicate myself. Take the powers from my enemy, and lay him lower than the lowest field.

Gnarl: Gnarl loves spells. He keeps them as pets. They love him. And they leave him alone.

Willow: You may be immune to magic, but I've got more than that. You wanna fight?

Gnarl: Your friends left you here. No one comes to save you. They wanted me to have you.

***

Gnarl: Did they leave you as a gifty for me? Are you a tasty little gifty?

Willow: Stop it!

Gnarl: Or did they just throw you away?

***

Willow: Were they here? Were my friends really here? I heard something.

Gnarl: They were here, here they were, and there they went... Gone all gone what a pretty song! The sealed you in with me. I love a gifty. Can't wait to unwrap it.

***

Willow: Wouldn’t leave. They’ll return.

Gnarl: They don’t want you. Lock you in, nice white skin. And if they do return, where would they find you? Inside me you’ll already be.

***

Buffy: I didn't realize meditating was such hard work.

Willow: I'm healing. Growing new skin.

Buffy: Wow. That's magic, right? I mean, when most people when they meditate don't get extra skin, right. 'Cause Clem should, like, cut back.

Willow: It's magic. I'm drawing power from the earth to heal myself.

Buffy: We're on the second floor.

Willow: You know Giles says everything's part of the earth. This bed. The air. Us.

Buffy: Explains why my fingernails get dirty even when I don't do anything.

Willow: Plus you stuck your thumbs in a demon.

Buffy: True.

***

Buffy: I have a confession to make. I thought it might be you. With the flaying.

Willow: I know.

Buffy: I wanna be the kind of person that wouldn't think that. Xander never thought it.

Willow: He did, a little. Heck, I did a little. Xander has the luxury of not saying it, but you're the slayer. You have to say stuff like that. It's OK. It's OK too if you still don't think I can recover from this magic stuff, 'cause, honestly, I'm not that sure about it either.

***

Willow: It just takes so much strength. I don't have that much.

Buffy: I got so much strength, I'm giving it away.

Willow: Are you sure? Buffy: Will it help?

Willow: Much.

Buffy: Good.

***

Help

Xander: From beneath you, it devours. It's not the friendliest jingle, is it? It's no "I like Ike" or "Milk: it does a body good."

Willow: I know. It's gonna be bad. It's gonna be real bad. And I wonder, will I— Well, if it comes— When it comes, will I be able to help?

Xander: I think so.

Willow: I don't know. I don't know what I can do. I mean, frankly, I'm—I'm scared of what I might do.

Xander: Yeah, I get that. Figuring out how to control your magic seems a lot like hammering a nail. Well, uh, hear me out. So you're hammering, right? OK, well at the end of the hammer, you have the power, but no control. It takes, like, two strokes to hit the nail in, or you could hit your thumb.

Willow: Ouch.

Xander: So you choke up. Control, but no power. It could take like ten strokes to knock the nail in. Power, control. It's a tradeoff.

Willow: That's actually not a bad analogy.

Xander: Thanks.

Willow: Except... I'm less worried about hitting my thumb, and more worried about going all black-eyed baddy and bewitching that hammer into cracking my friends' skulls open like coconuts.

Xander: Right. Ouch.

Willow: Sorry. Xander, being back here... I don't know...

Xander: It'll take time.

***

Buffy: I know high school can seem kind of frustrating. But if you just get through it, then you can go to college, you know, or you can join the French Foreign Legion, or anything you want.

Cassie: Yeah, well, I'm not gonna do all that stuff.

Buffy: OK, no Foreign Legion. I get that. I mean all the changing your name, and being indentured for all those years, and occupying Algeria...

Cassie: It's just that I'm not graduating from high school.

Buffy: Why not?

Cassie: I really like that shirt. Where'd you get it?

Buffy: Cassie, don't change the subject. Why won't you graduate?

Cassie: Because next Friday I'm gonna die.

***

Willow: The sheets above me cool my skin like dirt on a mad woman's grave

I rise into the moonlight white and watch the mirror stare

Pale fish looks back at me

Pale fish that will never swim

My skin is milk for no man to drink

My thighs unused unclenched

This body is not ready yet

But dirt waits for no woman and coins will buy no time

I hear the chatter of the bugs. It's they alone will feast.

Xander: OK, death is really on her brain.

Dawn: We all deal with death.

Xander: This girl isn't just dealing, she's giving death a long, sloppy word-kiss. She has a yen for the big dirt-nap.

Willow: I don't know. I mean, a lot of teens post some pretty angsty poetry on the web. I mean, I even posted a melodramatic love poem or two back in the day.

Xander: Love poems?

Willow: I'm over you now, sweetie.

***

Cassie: There's no point. I told you—

Buffy: This doesn't sound like someone who really wants to live.

Cassie: You think I want this? You think I don't care? Believe me, I want to...be here, do things. I want to graduate from high school, and I want to go to the stupid winter formal... I have this friend, and it would be fun to go with him. Just to dance and hear lame music to wear a silly dress and laugh and stuff. I'd like to go. There's a lot of stuff I'd like to do. I'd love to ice skate at Rockefeller Center. And I'd love to see my cousins grow up and see how they turn out 'cause they're really mean and I think they're gonna be fat. I'd love to backpack across the country or, I don't know, fall in love, but I won't. I just never will.

Buffy: You will. Cassie, you will. You just have to tell us what you know. You have to tell us everything. Please, help us.

Cassie: I can't. I just know it's gonna happen. I don't know why and I don't know how, but something out there is gonna kill me.

***

Buffy: Is there something evil in the school? Down here, maybe. Spike, please, do you know anything?

Spike: Yes. There's evil. Down here. Right here. I'm a bad man. William is a baaad man. I hurt the girl.

Buffy: Spike, stop it! What did you do?

Spike: I hurt you, Buffy, and I will pay. I am paying because I hurt the girl.

Buffy: Spike. No. It's not me. It's a different girl, OK? Her name is Cassie Newton. Please, do you know anything specific?

Spike: Don't—don't leave me. Stay here, and help me be quiet.

Buffy: I think it's worse when I'm here.

Spike: Don't let him hurt the girl.

***

Willow: How is her mom?

Buffy: OK. As OK as... she told me that her family had a history of heart irregularities, but she never told Cassie.

Willow: Cassie didn't know? Then it was fate?

Xander: I think she was gonna die, no matter what, wasn't she. Didn't matter what you did.

Buffy: She just knew. She was special. I failed her.

Dawn: Uh-uh. No. You didn't, 'cause you tried. You listened, and you tried. She died 'cause of her heart, not 'cause of you. She was my friend because of you. I guess sometimes you can't help.

Buffy: So what then? What do you do when you know that? When you know that maybe you can't help?

***

Selfless

BUFFY I just don’t want you to get your hopes up.

XANDER Hopes? Oh, no, no. There are no hopes. Anya and I are done. I love being single. I’m a strong, successful male who is giddy at the thought of all the women I will no doubt be dating in the near future.

BUFFY Strong, successful males say “giddy”?

***

SPIKE I don’t trust what I see anymore. I don’t know how to explain it, exactly. It’s like I’ve been seeing things. Dru used to see things, you know? She’d always be staring up at the sky, watching cherubs burn or the heavens bleed or some nonsense. I used to stare at her and think she’d gone completely sack of hammers. But she’d see the sky when we were inside and it’d make her so happy. She’d see showers. She’d see stars. Now I see her.

BUFFY Spike…

SPIKE I’m in trouble, Buffy.

BUFFY I can help you.

SPIKE I could never ask. Not after…

BUFFY It’s different. You’re different.

SPIKE I could never ask.

BUFFY Spike, it’s me. It’s you and it’s me and we’ll get through this.

SPIKE Never…

BUFFY We’ll get through this.

REAL BUFFY Spike. This basement is killing you. This is the Hellmouth. There is something bad down here, possibly everything bad.

SPIKE Can’t hear you. Can’t hear you.

BUFFY You have a soul? Fine. Show me.

SPIKE Scream montresor all you like, pet.

BUFFY Get up and get out of this basement.

SPIKE I don’t have anywhere else to go.

***

RACHEL I take it back. I take it back. I take it back.

WILLOW It’s okay. You’re okay.

RACHEL I take it back.

WILLOW What do you take back?

RACHEL “It’s gonna be a party. Everyone’s gonna be there. Everyone’s bringing a date. I’ll have a great time.” But it was just me. And them. He broke up with me in front of them. I was a game. It was all a game.

WILLOW It’s okay. You’re okay now.

RACHEL They laughed and they laughed and I cried and they laughed. And I yelled, “Just once, I wish you could all feel what it’s like to have your hearts ripped out. Just once. I wish…” And it came.

WILLOW Okay, come on. What came? What did this?

RACHEL A spider.

WILLOW Where did it go?

RACHEL What do you mean?

WILLOW The spider. Where is it now?

***

D’HOFFRYN What is that? A Woodlow Transmogriphic spell?

AUD Thornton’s Hope.

D’HOFFRYN Thornton’s Hope… but how did you get the troll element?

AUD Eelsbane.

D’HOFFRYN Eelsbane. Brilliant! What’d he do?

AUD Bar matron. A load-bearing bar matron.

D’HOFFRYN Is there any other kind? I’m sorry. How rude of me. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is D’Hoffryn.

AUD I am Aud.

D’HOFFRYN Are you? Hmm. I’m afraid you don’t see your true self. You are Anyanka. I’m a patron of a family of sorts. We’re vengeance demons. I’m sure you’ve heard of us.

AUD No, I’m sorry.

D’HOFFRYN Oh, well, that’s quite—

AUD Oh, no, don’t feel bad. I don’t talk to people much. I mean, I talk to them but they don’t talk to me. Except to say that your questions are irksome and perhaps you should take your furs and your literal interpretations to the other side of the river.

D’HOFFRYN I get the sense that your talents are not fully appreciated here, Anyanka. We’d like you to join us.

AUD Why do you keep calling me that? My name is Aud.

D’HOFFRYN Perhaps but Anyanka is who you are.

AUD What would I have to do?

D’HOFFRYN What you do best. Help wronged women punish evil men.

AUD Vengeance.

D’HOFFRYN But only to those who deserve it.

AUD They all deserve it.

D’HOFFRYN That’s where I was going with that, yeah.

***

WILLOW Anya, you have to stop this.

ANYANKA Do you know what they did to her? Do you? It was a game. They were humiliating her.

WILLOW Anya, listen to me. You’re in trouble. You know it. I’m here to help you.

ANYANKA You’re here to… well, that’s great, Willow. Flayed anybody lately, have you? How quickly they forget!

WILLOW I haven’t forgotten one second of it.

ANYANKA What do you want?

WILLOW I want to help you.

ANYANKA They got what they deserved.

WILLOW No, they—

ANYANKA I am a vengeance demon! Do you understand that?

WILLOW No.

ANYANKA Try! They got what they deserved.

***

XANDER How could you not have told me?

BUFFY Xander, it’s okay. She didn’t tell us for a reason. She didn’t tell us because she knows what I have to do. I have to kill Anya.

***

BUFFY Don’t act like this is easy for me. You know it’s not.

XANDER There are other options.

BUFFY I’ve considered them.

XANDER When? Just now? Took you all of ten seconds to decide to kill one of your best friends?

BUFFY The thought that it might come to this has occurred to me before. It’s occurred to you, too.

XANDER But we can change what she did. Fix it. These are mystical deaths, right? There has to be something.

WILLOW I don’t have anywhere near that kind of power. I didn’t have that kind of power when… and I don’t think I trust the power I do have.

BUFFY It’s okay. Xander, I know this is hard for you to hear but it’s what I have to do.

XANDER Hard for me to hear? Buffy, you want to kill Anya!

BUFFY I don’t want to.

XANDER Then don’t! This isn’t new ground for us. When our friends go all crazy and start killing people, we help them.

WILLOW Sitting right here.

XANDER I’m sorry but it’s true.

BUFFY It’s different.

XANDER Because you don’t care about her the same way I do. Buffy, I still love her.

BUFFY I know. And that’s why you can’t see this for what it really is. Willow was different. She’s a human. Anya’s a demon.

XANDER And you’re the Slayer. I see now how it’s all very simple.

BUFFY It is never simple.

XANDER No, of course not. You know, if there’s a mass-murdering demon that you’re, oh say, boning, then it’s all gray area.

BUFFY Spike was harmless. He was helping.

XANDER He had no choice.

BUFFY And Anya did! She chose to become a demon. Twice.

XANDER You have no idea what she’s going through.

BUFFY I don’t care what she’s going through!

XANDER No, of course not. You think we haven’t seen all this before? The part where you just cut us all out. Just step away from everything human and act like you’re the law. If you knew what I felt—

BUFFY I killed Angel! Do you even remember that? I would have given up everything I had to be with… I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life. And I put a sword through his heart because I had to.

WILLOW And that all worked out okay.

BUFFY Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you. Do you remember giving me Willow’s message: kick his ass.

WILLOW I never said that…

XANDER This is different.

BUFFY It is always different! It’s always complicated. And at some point, someone has to draw the line and that is always going to be me. You get down on me for cutting myself off but in the end the Slayer is always cut off. There’s no mystical guidebook. No all-knowing council. Human rules don’t apply. There’s only me. I am the law.

XANDER There has to be another way.

BUFFY Then please find it.

***

D’HOFFRYN Behold, D’Hoffryn. Lord of Arashmahar. He that turns the air to blood and rains… Miss Rosenberg. How lovely to see you again. Have you done something with your hair?

WILLOW Hello, D’Hoffryn.

D’HOFFRYN I figured I’d be hearing from you soon. The flaying of Warren Mears? Oh, truly inspired. That was water cooler vengeance. Lloyd has a sketch of it on his wall.

WILLOW That’s not me anymore.

D’HOFFRYN Is that right? So I didn’t feel your presence earlier today? I didn’t feel a bit of the old you?

***

XANDER I thought I might find you here. Have you forced yourself to look at the bodies yet?

ANYANKA What do you want?

XANDER I want to help you.

ANYANKA Everyone is so considerate today. I should’ve slaughtered people weeks ago.

XANDER I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I did to you. Everything I put you through.

ANYANKA Thank you. All better. Thank goodness you got here in time.

XANDER You don’t understand. This isn’t an intervention. Buffy’s coming to kill you.

ANYANKA She’s coming to try.

XANDER Did everybody have their crazy flakes today? You guys are friends. How could you talk like this?

ANYANKA I have a job to do. And so does Buffy. Xander, you’ve always seen what you wanted to but you knew, sooner or later, it would come to this.

***

ANYANKA This is getting to be a pattern with you, Buffy. Are there any friends of yours left you haven’t tried to kill? C’mon, Buffy. Don’t you have a clever retort for me?

***

D’HOFFRYN Oh, please, don’t mind me. Continue with whatever it was you were doing. Oh, breathtaking. It’s like somebody slaughtered an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. Easy now. I’d be gone before you could swing. Isn’t that just like a Slayer? Solving all her problems by sticking things with sharp objects. I talked to your friend, Miss Rosenberg. She’s a firebrand. I have high hopes for her.

XANDER Stay away from Willow.

D’HOFFRYN Oh, he’s gallant, isn’t he? I understand what you saw in him. Look, Miss Rosenberg seems to think Anyanka would be better suited outside the vengeance fold. I think we already know what Lady Hacksaway wants. And the young man, he sees with the eyeballs of love. But I’m not sure if anyone’s bothered to find out what Anyanka herself really wants.

XANDER Her name is Anya.

D’HOFFRYN Actually, funny historical side-bar, her original name was—

ANYANKA I want to take it back.

D’HOFFRYN I’m sorry. What was that?

ANYANKA I want to take it back. I want to undo what I did.

D’HOFFRYN Hmm. You want to take it back. Must be twelve bodies in there. Such a thing… not easily done. But not impossible. You’re a big girl, Anyanka. You understand how this works. The proverbial scales must balance. In order to restore the lives of the victims, the fates require a sacrifice. The life and soul of a vengeance demon.

ANYANKA Do it.

***

D’HOFFRYN Who did you think you were dealing with? Did you think it would be that easy to get away?

ANYA Why?

D’HOFFRYN Why? Because you wished it!

ANYA But she was yours.

D’HOFFRYN Like you were mine? Haven’t I taught you anything, Anya? Never go for the kill when you can go for the pain. ...Hold him back, Slayer. Wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt. I’ve got plenty of girls. There will always be vengeance demons. But now you, Anya, you’re out. Congratulations. Your wish is granted.

ANYA You should have killed me.

D’HOFFRYN Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. “From beneath you, it devours.” Be patient. All good things in time.

***

ANYA Xander… what if I’m really nobody?

XANDER Don’t be a dope.

ANYA I’m a dope?

XANDER Sometimes.

ANYA That’s a start.

***

Him

XANDER You’re going to live in that small room over there. I know it looks like a closet but it’s a room now. You’re not going to touch my food. I take the first shower in the morning and if I use up all the hot water, that’s your tough noogies. And I hate this plan. Are you keeping up or do you need some kind of English-to-Constant-Pain-in-My-Ass translation?

BUFFY Invitation?

XANDER Is there something more emphatic than hate? Can I revile the plan? Fine. I invite you in. Nimrod.

SPIKE Don’t want your soddin’ food anyway.

XANDER I just don’t understand when his problems became your problems— more specifically mine.

BUFFY The school basement is making him crazy. We can’t just leave him there.

XANDER Why not? Crazy Basement Guy is better than Stalking Buffy Guy.

DAWN It’s true. You guys aren’t… you’re not starting up again with the whole—

BUFFY No! A thousand gallons of no, okay. It’s just… things are different now. He has a soul.

XANDER I’m sure that’ll be a real comfort when he soulfully attacks you again.

DAWN Yeah, what does that mean exactly? That Spike is all soul-having?

BUFFY I don’t know but he’s been through a lot, okay, and nobody’s attacking—

SPIKE Buffy… sorry.

BUFFY No, it’s me. I just—

SPIKE I’ll go. This can’t work.

BUFFY It will. It already is. Okay, you’ve been out of the basement for half an hour and you’ve already stopped talking to invisible people.

SPIKE Bollocks.

BUFFY Okay, so there was that one episode in the car but—

SPIKE No, bollocks to the whole thing. I don’t need your mollycoddling.

BUFFY It’s not coddling. Now go to your closet.

***

DAWN So what is it?

BUFFY What’s what?

DAWN Last night. You said you weren’t helping Spike out of pity. What is it?

BUFFY It’s a good question.

DAWN Is sitting there drinking soda some kind of a Zen non-answer?

BUFFY No, I just… I don’t know what I’m feeling. I think I can’t stand him but sometimes…

DAWN You love him?

BUFFY No. I feel for him.

DAWN Feel what, exactly?

BUFFY Dawn…

DAWN No, I’m just trying to understand. I mean, none of it makes sense. First you say Spike disgusts you but secretly you two are doing it like bunnies. And then Spike says he’d die for you but he tries to rape you.

BUFFY For the record, Spike knew how wrong it was. That’s why he went away.

DAWN But to get a soul? Like that would make him a better man? Xander had a soul when he stood Anya up at the altar. And now he says he still wants her? I just don’t think it’s the school basement that’s making people crazy.

***

BUFFY Come on, Dawnie. Come out. Dawn, sweetheart, it’s not that bad.

DAWN How would you even know? RJ’s never going to notice me now.

BUFFY From what you said, I’m sure he already noticed you. I mean, with the falling and the— Spirit! Spirit. They said you were spirited, right?

DAWN Go away!

BUFFY Dawn…

***

XANDER It’s the jacket. It’s true. Something about the big letter on the chest makes girls get all swoony and crushy. I saw it all the time in school. And you couldn’t just pin any old felt letter to your coat and get play. Not that I tried.

***

XANDER Well, Spike definitely seems a little more cogent, less nuts. I’m just saying… once you get back the soul, doesn’t that mean you start like picking up your own wet towels off the floor?

WILLOW No, but maybe you start to feel really bad about leaving them there.

BUFFY At least he’s showering and that’s a refreshing and delightful change.

***

BUFFY So do you have plans later or are you just going to go down to the docks and wait for the fleet to come in?

DAWN What?

BUFFY Where do I start with the bad? First, you told me you were going to the library. Second, you do not go out on a date without informing me first. Third, Anna Nicole Smith thinks you look tacky.

***

BUFFY Okay, first with the lap dance, now with the cat fight. Hey, you want to get drunk and barf next?

***

DAWN Oh, my god! I’m the pushy queen of Slut Town.

***

XANDER Buffy, I think Dawn needs y— ahh!

BUFFY Xander, hi. This is RJ.

RJ Hey, guy. It’s called knocking.

XANDER (to RJ) I’m sorry. It’s just checkout time was an hour ago. We were hoping to make up the bed. Also, it’s a classroom, you chowderhead! Now get off the boy, Buffy. We’re going home.

***

WILLOW Damn love spell. I have tried every anti-love spell spell I could find.

ANYA Even if you find the right one, the guy would probably just do an anti-anti-love spell spell… spell.

***

WILLOW But you don’t even know him!

ANYA Yes, I do. I looked into him and saw his soul.

WILLOW He was walking away, so unless his soul was in his ass…

ANYA AJ is my best friend and my dearest darling.

WILLOW It’s RJ and what you were picking up on was his deep caring and devotion to me.

DAWN What’s going on?

ANYA Willow thinks she’s in love with my boyfriend, RJ.

DAWN What? No! You two can’t do this.

BUFFY Willow, you’re a gay woman and… he isn’t.

WILLOW This isn’t about his physical presence. It’s about his heart.

ANYA His physical presence has a penis!

WILLOW I can work around it!

***

WILLOW There’s a simple answer to this. Just think about who loves him the most. Clearly I do, since I’m willing to look past the whole orientation thing.

DAWN I need him.

ANYA Well, you’re going to have to do better than that. I’d kill for him.

WILLOW You’d kill for a chocolate bar.

BUFFY No. Yes! Kill for him. I’m the Slayer. Slayer means kill. Oh! I’ll kill the principal.

ANYA Oh, that is hard to top.

WILLOW Yeah, well I have skills. I can prove my love with magick.

ANYA Yeah, right. What’re you going to do? Use magick to make him into a girl? Damn!

***

WILLOW Oh, Hecate, I call on you. I humbly ask your will be done. Hear my request, a simple change, create a daughter from a s— Oh, man! Now I’ve gotta start all over. Hecate hates that.

XANDER What the hell are you doing?

WILLOW Proving I love RJ the most!

XANDER Will, honey… RJ’s a guy.

WILLOW I did notice that, yeah. It’s why I’m doing my spell, because, you know, he doesn’t have to be.

***

BUFFY You realize that Anya’s probably seducing RJ even as we speak.

WILLOW My god. You think so?

BUFFY Well, I wouldn’t put it past her. She’s recently evil, you know.

WILLOW Well, so am I. Why should I miss out?

***

BUFFY Xander, be honest. You didn’t think about slipping that jacket on just a little bit?

XANDER I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn’t fit.

***

Conversations With Dead People

JONATHAN Desde abajo te debora.

ANDREW It eats you starting with your bottom.

JONATHAN Gonna make it right.

ANDREW We’re outlaws with hearts of gold.

***

DAWN Taste my blade, spawn of evil!

***

CASSIE So this is the UC library, huh? It’s so big. Hey.

WILLOW I know you. I mean, I saw your picture.

CASSIE Yeah, I know. It’s kinda weird ’cause we never really met.

WILLOW Or kinda weird because you’re really dead.

***

CASSIE Remember that time on the bridge when you sang to each other? Well, she says even though you can’t hear it, she still sings to you.

WILLOW Tara?

***

HOLDEN Well, you were never around. A lot of kids thought you were dating some really old guy or that you were just heavy religious. Scott Hope said you were gay.

BUFFY What? I dated that ringworm.

HOLDEN He says that about every girl he breaks up with. And then last year, big surprise, he comes out.

BUFFY Men. Do I know how to pick ’em.

***

ANDREW We find it. We alert the Slayer. We help her destroy it. We save Sunnydale. Then we join her gang and possibly hang out at her house.

***

ANDREW You keep leaving me. I hate it when you leave me. One time you died and I ended up a Mexican.

WARREN We’ve been over this. Now that death thing was all part of the master plan. Come on, “If you strike me down…”

ANDREW “…I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.” Of course. Do you think maybe Willow could kill me, too?

WARREN Hey, don’t worry. If Short Round pulls off his end of the bargain, we’ll both become gods.

ANDREW That boy is our last hope.

WARREN "No, there is another."

ANDREW Wait, really? Who’s our last hope?

WARREN No, I was just going with it. It was a thing. He’s our last hope.

***

CASSIE You killed people. You can’t see her. That’s just how it is. I’m sorry.

WILLOW But… but she’s talking to you? And she can hear me? Tara? Tara, I miss you. I miss you so much. Can she hear me? What’s happening? Did she say anything? What? Did she go away?

CASSIE She’s crying.

WILLOW No. No, don’t cry. Don’t cry, sweetie. Talk to me.

CASSIE She misses you, too. She wishes she could touch you.

WILLOW Me, too. Oh, me, too. Oh, god, Tara, it hurts so much. Everyday it’s like this giant hole and it’s not getting better.

***

HOLDEN Oh, I have so much to learn. Come on, isn’t this insane? I mean, I was afraid to talk to you in high school and now we’re like mortal enemies. Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if we became nemeses?

BUFFY Is that how you say the word?

HOLDEN We’re going to have to fight to the death, aren’t we?

BUFFY It’s the time-honored custom.

***

HOLDEN I was just wondering, is it possible, even a little bit, that the reason you have trouble connecting to guys is because you think maybe they’re not worth it? Maybe you think you’re better than them.

BUFFY Say, there’s that bloodlust I was looking for.

HOLDEN Struck a nerve.

BUFFY I’m going to strike a nerve cluster in a minute, you don’t get off this. I don’t remember you being this annoying.

HOLDEN You don’t remember me at all.

BUFFY Yes, I do.

HOLDEN Yeah, like after 30 minutes of reminding. And I don’t take it personally because clearly you were in your own little world in high school. All Chosen. All destiny. Who could live with that for seven years and not feel superior?

BUFFY I’m not. My god, if anything, I—

HOLDEN What?

BUFFY I just… If you knew what I’ve done, what I’ve let myself become. My best friends don’t even… you’d laugh if you heard some of the things I’ve done to them.

HOLDEN Buffy, I’m here to kill you, not to judge you.

BUFFY The last guy I was with, it got really… I behaved like a monster, treated him like… but at the same time, I let him completely take me over. Do things to me that… I’m sorry. Wow, I didn’t mean to get all true-confessions there. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

HOLDEN There’s nothing wrong with you. Everyone’s got issues.

***

CASSIE She says…

WILLOW What?

CASSIE You’re not going to be okay. You’re going to kill everybody.

***

JONATHAN No, I’m serious. I really miss it. Time goes by and everything drops away. All the cruelty, all the pain, all that humiliation. It all washes away. I miss my friends. I miss my enemies. I miss the people I talked to every day. I miss the people who never knew I existed. I miss ’em all. I want to talk to them, you know. I want to find out how they’re doing. I want to know what’s going on in their lives.

ANDREW You know what? They don’t want to talk to you— all those people you just mentioned. Not one of them is sitting around going, “I wonder what Jonathan’s up to right now.” Not one of them cares about you.

JONATHAN Well, I still care about them. That’s why I’m here.

***

DAWN I cast you from this place. It is your poison and your bane. It is the skin that is cut from your flesh!

***

BUFFY And the joke is… he loved me. I mean, in his own sick, soulless way, he really did care for me. But I didn’t want to be loved.

HOLDEN Didn’t you?

BUFFY I have all this power. I didn’t ask for it. I don’t deserve it. It’s like… I wanted to be punished. I wanted to hurt like I thought I deserved. I sort of think… you know, this is complicated. If you’d rather just fight…

HOLDEN Tell me.

BUFFY I feel like I’m worse than anyone. Honestly, I’m beneath them. My friends, my boyfriends. I feel like I’m not worthy of their love. Because even though they love me, it doesn’t mean anything because their opinions don’t matter. They don’t know. They haven’t been through what I’ve been through. They’re not the Slayer. I am. Sometimes I feel… this is awful. I feel like I’m better than them. Superior.

HOLDEN Until you can’t win. And I thought I was diabolical. Or at least I plan to be. You do have a superiority complex. And you’ve got an inferiority complex about it. Kudos.

BUFFY It doesn’t make any sense.

HOLDEN Oh, it makes every kind of sense. And it all adds up to you feeling alone. But Buffy, everybody feels alone. Everybody is, until you die. Speaking of… you ready for our little death match?

BUFFY I suppose. Thanks for listening.

HOLDEN You know, there’s some things you can only tell a stranger.

BUFFY You’re not a stranger. That stuff with Spike is pretty—

HOLDEN Hold it.

BUFFY What?

HOLDEN Did you say Spike?

***

DAWN I cast you out with every prayer from every god that walked the Earth and crawled beneath. I cast you out with the strength of those who love me. I cast your out with the strength I have inside me! I cast you out into the void. That’s right! Die, you bastard!

***

CASSIE You can’t. If you do so much as another spell…

WILLOW I tried to stop. I tried. What if I can’t do this?

CASSIE Don’t think that way.

WILLOW Well, how can I not? You’re telling me I’m going to murder all my friends. I’m not strong. I’m not an Amazon. I’m just me.

CASSIE Well, there is one thing. One thing you could do to stop it.

WILLOW What? Anything.

CASSIE And you could see her. You wouldn’t have to talk through me.

WILLOW Tara?

CASSIE That’s what you want, isn’t it?

WILLOW Of course.

CASSIE So go. Be with her. Everybody will be safe and you’ll be together again. It’s not that bad. Really. It’s just like going to sleep.

WILLOW Who are you?

***

BUFFY What do you mean? How do you know Spike?

HOLDEN What do you mean how? He was the guy that… oh, what’s the word?

BUFFY Sired.

HOLDEN Yeah, he was the guy that sired me.

***

JOYCE Things are coming, Dawn. Listen, things are on their way. I love you and I love Buffy but she won’t be there for you.

DAWN What? Why are you…?

JOYCE When it’s bad, Buffy won’t choose you. She’ll be against you.

***

CASSIE Suicide thing was too far, huh? Hmm. You seemed so ripe.

WILLOW Tell me who you are.

CASSIE I stand by my opinion. The world would be a better place if you took a razorblade to your wrist—

WILLOW Stop.

CASSIE I can see it now. Candlelight, the Indigo Girls playing, picture of your dead girlfriend on your bloody lap.

WILLOW Stop it!

CASSIE “Oh, baby, you left such a big hole. It hurt so bad.” You don’t know hurt. This last year’s going to seem like cake after what I put you and your friends through and I am not a fan of easy death. Fact is, the whole good-versus-evil, balancing the scales thing— I’m over it. I’m done with the mortal coil. But believe me, I’m going for a big finish.

WILLOW From beneath you, it devours.

CASSIE Oh, not it. Me.

***

Sleeper

XANDER Why would a vampire lie about who sired him. What’s that? Some kind of status symbol for the undead? My sire can beat up your sire.

***

ANYA What? That’s it? You’re not at least going to like leave me a crossbow or a flame thrower? Something to protect myself?

XANDER We don’t want him to know we suspect anything. Besides, if he tries to leave, I don’t want you confronting him. Call Buffy and just let her know that he’s on the move. You’re going to be fine.

ANYA Better be, because if I get vamped, I’m going to bite your ass.

XANDER Wouldn’t be the first time.

ANYA What was that?

***

BUFFY What the hell happened? Downstairs looks like…

WILLOW Hell happened? Yeah. This big evil that’s been promising to devour us… well I think it’s started chomping.

BUFFY Oh, god. And it started with Dawn?

WILLOW Both of us. Buffy, this thing knows us. It made us think that we were talking to people we knew. Mine said it came with a message from Tara. But Dawn actually saw… your mother. This thing, it had me for a while. I mean, before it started letting loose with the pulse-pounding terror. But before that, the lies were very convincing. It just seems real.

BUFFY Lies.

WILLOW I mean, maybe… maybe to confuse us, to mess us up. Or maybe just to be cruel.

BUFFY Vampire I killed last night told me Spike sired him… two nights ago.

WILLOW Well, that’s impossible, right? So maybe it was another one. A fake-out. You got one, too. It wasn’t a real vamp.

BUFFY It dusted real enough.

WILLOW Buffy, do you think Spike is…

BUFFY I can’t. I hope not. But if I’m wrong and he is, then I have to see it for myself. I have to be there to stop it.

***

SPIKE Anya, do be specific and tell a fellow just exactly what you’re doing here.

ANYA Well, Spike… I’m here, obviously… for… sex.

SPIKE Beg pardon?

ANYA You and me. Here and now. Let’s go. Let’s… get it on, you big bad boy.

SPIKE Wait, wait, Anya. Just a minute. This is not exactly… is that a stake?

ANYA Yes. Kinky.

SPIKE Well, yeah, but what do you—

ANYA Shh. No questions. No talking. I can’t help it. I can’t stop thinking about you and us and our brief but unforgettable time together. I mean, it’s… why else would I be here? I mean, it’s not like I’m snooping around looking for proof that you’re some sort of wacked-out serial killer. I don’t know why I said that. Forget I said that. It’s craziness talking. It’s just nerves. Nerves. Nerves and horniness. Oh, just shut up, William, and take me. Take me now.

SPIKE Anya…

ANYA Hmm?

SPIKE It’s not that I’m not tempted. Obviously, if things were different, you’re a right catch.

ANYA I got it. No problem, I understand. You think I’m fat.

SPIKE What?

ANYA Well, it’s either that or the haircut.

SPIKE Ridiculous. The do’s quite fetching.

ANYA Oh, right. Now you like the haircut.

SPIKE Love it.

ANYA Sure, as a friend.

SPIKE Anya.

ANYA You know, you were a lot more fun when you didn’t have a soul.

SPIKE Oh, come on. Now I’ve just explained to you—

ANYA All I’m saying is soulless Spike would have had me upside down and halfway to Happyland by now.

***

SPIKE Did you… are you following me?

BUFFY Answer the question. Where is she?

SPIKE Who knows? I talked to her is all.

BUFFY Really. Looked like more than talking to me.

SPIKE Well, I certainly didn’t off her. Where are you getting this? You know I can’t.

BUFFY Right. The chip.

SPIKE No, not the chip! Not the chip, damn it. You honestly think I’d go to the end of the underworld and back to get my soul and then… Buffy, I can barely live with what I did. It haunts me. All of it. If you think that I would add to the body count now, you are crazy.

BUFFY So what? You just troll the Promenade looking for drunk co-eds because you’re hungry for conversation?

SPIKE Oh, is that what this is? Right.

BUFFY What?

SPIKE You’re jealous!

BUFFY Don’t play games. Not now.

SPIKE Yeah, you saw me chatting up another bird, giving the eye to somebody else. Touched a nerve, didn’t it?

BUFFY Don’t flatter yourself.

SPIKE It burns, huh? But you can’t admit it, so you trump up some charge about me being back on the juice.

BUFFY This vampire I killed told me—

SPIKE Told you what? That I go out? Yeah, I talk to people. Women. Talk to them ’cause I can’t talk to you.

BUFFY Oh, Spike, save it.

SPIKE As daft a notion as Soulful Spike the Killer is, it is nothing compared to the idea that another girl could mean anything to me. This chip, they did to me. I couldn’t help it. But the soul I got on my own… for you.

BUFFY I know.

SPIKE So yeah. I go and pass the time with someone. But that’s all it is is time because… god, help me, Buffy, it’s still all about you.

BUFFY Spike, this vampire told me you sired him.

SPIKE That doesn’t mean—

BUFFY He said you killed him. Dumped him in a parking lot somewhere.

SPIKE And you believe him? Vampires aren’t—

BUFFY I did follow you last night and you know what? You didn’t look lonely or casual to me. You looked like you were on the prowl.

SPIKE You can’t know that.

BUFFY So then tell me. Tell me what happened. You talked to her, then what?

SPIKE We talked. That’s all I remember.

BUFFY All you remember?

SPIKE I don’t know. I go out. I talk to people or I don’t. It’s boring. It all bleeds together.

BUFFY Well, if you seem to forget that much, then…

SPIKE Not that. The taste of human blood. That I’d remember.

BUFFY You were camped out on the Hellmouth talking to invisible people. Recently. How can you be sure of—

SPIKE No! You are wrong. You’ve got an accusation from a pile of dust and not a shred of proof.

BUFFY So I’ll get some.

***

BUFFY Okay, guys, find me some evidence that he did this.

ANYA Really? Are you sure that’s what you want.

BUFFY Find me the proof that he didn’t.

DAWN You only think Spike is turning people because that vampire told you so, right? But that night we were all told things that weren’t true.

WILLOW Maybe.

DAWN What? What maybe?

WILLOW Well, just because those weren’t the spirits of, you know, our people… just because it was some evil thing, doesn’t mean what they said can’t be true.

ANYA I used to tell the truth all the time when I was evil.

***

BUFFY Oh, actually, I need some help. I’m looking for this guy. Bleachblonde hair, leather jacket, British accent? Kind of sallow but in a hot way?

BOUNCER Yeah, yeah, I know the guy. Billy Idol wannabe?

BUFFY Actually, Billy Idol stole his look from… never mind. Has he been here?

BOUNCER This guy your boyfriend or something?

BUFFY No, I just… I need to find him as soon as possible.

BOUNCER Yeah, he comes in here a lot lately. Every night leaves with a different girl. Chicks like Billy Idol.

BUFFY How many girls?

BOUNCER Look, this guy— this not-your-boyfriend guy— if I were you, I’d lose him. He’s a real player.

***

SPIKE I’ve been remembering. The girl. I walked her home. The one you saw. And the one before that. And I think I killed her. And I think I… I think I killed the lady who lived here. And there might be others.

BUFFY Oh, my god.

SPIKE Here. I think I buried them here.

BUFFY Spike, why?

SPIKE Well, I don’t know, do I? I don’t even know how. Shouldn’t be able…

SPIKE DOUBLE (sings) Early one morning, just as the sun was rising, I heard the fair maid sing in the valley down below. Oh, don’t deceive me. Oh, never leave me. How could you use a poor maid so?

***

SPIKE DOUBLE They’re waiting for you. Take her, taste her, make her weak.

BUFFY Spike, no!

SPIKE I remember.

***

SPIKE DOUBLE You failed them. Now she’s going to kill you. You lose, mate.

***

SPIKE Do it fast, okay? He said you’d do it.

BUFFY Who said?

SPIKE Me. It was me. I saw it. I was here the whole time, talking and singing. There was a song.

BUFFY What are you talking about?

SPIKE I don’t know. Please, I don’t remember. Don’t make me remember. (to double) Make it so I forget again! I did what you wanted!

BUFFY There’s something here.

SPIKE Oh, god, no, please. I need that. I can’t cry the soul out of me. It won’t come. I killed and I can feel them. I can feel every one of them.

BUFFY There’s something playing with us. All of us.

SPIKE What is it? Why is it doing this to me?

BUFFY I don’t know.

SPIKE Will you… help me? Can you help me?

BUFFY I’ll help you.

***

ANYA And you believe him?

BUFFY You didn’t see him down there. He really didn’t know what he’d done. It wasn’t in his control.

XANDER Oh, an out of control serial killer. You’re right. That is a great houseguest.

DAWN Wait, is he… is he staying here?

BUFFY I don’t know. But I’m not letting him out of my sight, that’s for sure.

WILLOW Buffy, he’s been feeding… on human blood. That’s gotta do stuff.

BUFFY I’m not keeping him around just to help him. I think there was something there, talking to him, making him do things.

WILLOW Something like what was talking to us?

BUFFY Maybe. But if it was, it’s been screwing with Spike big time.

XANDER So you want him around because…?

BUFFY Look, there’s something evil working us and if we are ever going to have a chance to fight it, we need to learn everything we can about it. This thing has been closer to Spike than any of us.

WILLOW And if you want to understand it…

BUFFY I’m going to have to get close to Spike.

XANDER No, it’s too dangerous.

BUFFY I don’t have a choice. Whatever this thing is, from beneath us, it’s bad and it’s only getting worse.

***

Never Leave Me

DAWN So the basement was filled with bodies?

WILLOW Apparently.

DAWN And Spike could’ve sired countless others and buried them around town. And we’re waiting for him to do what, exactly? Do something crazy?

WILLOW It’s not that simple.

ANYA Shouldn’t we stab him through the chest? Isn’t that what we do when these things happen?

***

DAWN I just wanted to tell you that Buffy won’t be coming in today. She’s really sick.

WOOD Oh, no.

DAWN Yeah, last night she was vomiting and then this morning she was vomiting some more and then just when we thought she was done, she was vomiting again.

WOOD Yeah, we’ve got that stomach flu going around.

DAWN Her exact words were, “I’ve got stuff coming out of both ends.”

***

BUFFY He’s been feasting on humans for weeks. He’s having some pretty bad withdrawals. I think we need to get him some blood.

WILLOW Do you want me to kill Anya?

***

ANDREW I am bad. I’m bad, I’m evil, but I’m protected by powerful forces. Forces you can’t even begin to imagine, little girl. If you harm me, you shall know the wrath of He That is Darkness and Terror. Your blood will boil and you will know true suffering. Stand down, she-witch. Your defeat is at hand—

WILLOW Shut your mouth. I am a she-witch, a very powerful she-witch— or witch, as is more accurate. I’m not to be trifled with.

ANDREW But I—

WILLOW I’m talking. Don’t interrupt me, insignificant man. I am Willow. I am Death. If you dare defy me, I will call down my fury, exact fresh vengeance and make your worst fears come true. Okay?

***

BUFFY How did you do it? How’d you get your soul back?

SPIKE Saw a man about a girl... I went to seek a legend out. Traveled to the other side of the world, made a deal with a demon.

BUFFY Just like that?

SPIKE No, not just like that. There was a price. There were trials, torture, pain and suffering… of sorts.

BUFFY Of sorts?

SPIKE Well, it’s all relative, isn’t it?

BUFFY Meaning?

SPIKE Meaning I have come to redefine the words pain and suffering since I fell in love with you.

BUFFY How can you say that?

SPIKE Apparently, I just slaughtered half of Sunnydale, pet. I’m not really worried about being polite anymore.

BUFFY So that’s what this is about? You feeling sorry for yourself, Spike?

SPIKE I’m feeling honest with myself. You used me.

BUFFY Yes.

SPIKE You told me that, of course. I never understood it, though. Not until now. You hated yourself and you took it out on me.

BUFFY You figured that out just now?

SPIKE A soul’s not all about moonbeams and pennywhistles, luv. It’s about self-loathing. I get it. Had to travel ’round the world but I understand you now. I understand the violence inside.

BUFFY Violence? William the Bloody now has insight into violence?

SPIKE Not the same. As bad as I was, as evil and as wretched as I was, I never truly hated myself back then. Not like I do now.

***

BUFFY Who were you talking to?

SPIKE What’s that?

BUFFY I heard you through the door. Who were you talking to?

SPIKE Nobody. I was just… keeping myself company.

BUFFY Are you okay?

SPIKE Fine. How are you?

***

BUFFY He was talking to someone. I heard through the door, he was having this conversation. And then he started singing.

ANYA Maybe it’s another musical. A much crappier musical.

BUFFY He mentioned something about a song in the cellar. And he changed there, too. I mean, instantly became another person.

XANDER Trigger.

ANYA The horse?

XANDER No, in his head. It’s a trigger. It’s a brainwashing term. It’s how the military makes sleeper agents. They brainwash operatives and condition them with a specific trigger, like a song, that makes them drastically change at a moment’s notice.

WILLOW Is this left over from your days in the Army?

XANDER No, this is left over from every Army movie I’ve ever seen. But it makes sense. We’ve had ghosts or something haunting us, right? Well, what if Spike’s ghosts have figured out a way to not only haunt him, what if they figured out how to… control him?

***

SPIKE Buffy, I don’t know why.

BUFFY We think we do. Something’s playing you. Some ghost or demon has figured out how to control you. Got the gang researching it right now. Xander has this theory that you’re being triggered.

SPIKE Kill me.

BUFFY What?

SPIKE Buffy, you have to kill me.

BUFFY You don’t understand. When I left the room earlier, I heard you talking to someone—

SPIKE Do you have any idea what I’m capable of?

BUFFY I was in the cellar with you. I saw what you did.

SPIKE I’m not talking about the cellar. The people in the cellar got off easy. I’m talking about me. Buffy, you have never met the real me.

BUFFY Believe me, I’m well aware of what you’re capable of.

SPIKE No, you got off easy, too. Do you know how much blood you can drink from a girl before she’ll die? I do. You see, the trick is to drink just enough to know how to damage them just enough so that they’ll still cry when you— ’cause it’s not worth it if they don’t cry.

BUFFY It’s not your fault. You’re not the one doing this.

SPIKE I already did it. It’s already done. You want to know what I’ve done to girls Dawn’s age? This is me Buffy. You’ve got to kill me before I get out.

BUFFY We can keep you locked up. Keep you here and we’ll figure out—

SPIKE Have you ever really asked yourself why you can’t do it? Off me? After everything I’ve done to you, to people around you. It’s not love. We both know that.

BUFFY You fought by my side. You’ve saved lives. You’ve helped—

SPIKE Don’t do that. Don’t rationalize this into some noble act. We both know the truth of it. You like men who hurt you.

BUFFY No.

SPIKE You need the pain we cause you. You need the hate. You need it to do your job, to be the Slayer.

BUFFY No. I don’t hate like that. Not you or myself. Not anymore. You think you have insight now because your soul’s drenched in blood? You don’t know me. You don’t even know you. Was that you who killed those people in the cellar? Was that you who waited for those girls?

SPIKE There’s no one else.

BUFFY That’s not true. Listen to me. You’re not alive because of hate or pain. You’re alive because I saw you change. Because I saw your penance.

SPIKE Window dressing.

BUFFY Be easier, wouldn’t it, it if were an act? But it’s not. You faced the monster inside of you and you fought back. You risked everything to be a better man.

SPIKE Buffy…

BUFFY And you can be. You are. You may not see it but I do. I do. I believe in you, Spike.

***

BUFFY They were after Spike all along.

XANDER And we were just in the way.

BUFFY I know these guys. I’ve fought them before. We aren’t being haunted. This isn’t some demon. It’s all the same thing. Spike’s ghosts, the people you guys saw, from beneath us… it’s all the same thing. I know what we’re up against. The First.

***

TRAVERS Ladies and gentlemen, our fears have been confirmed. The First Evil has declared all-out war on this institution. Their first volleys proved most effective. I for one think it’s time we struck back. Give me confirmations on all remaining operatives, visuals and tacticals. Highest alert. Get them here as soon as possible. Begin preparations for mobilization. Once we’re accounted for, I want to be ready to move.

PHILLIP Sir?

TRAVERS We’ll be paying a visit to the Hellmouth. My friends, these are the times that define us. Proverbs 24:6: “For by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war.”

***

SPIKE/FIRST Oh, don’t look at me that way. I wanted to do this more subtlelike. My Harbingers have a tendency to call attention to themselves. You’re the one who couldn’t hold his end of the bargain. You’re the one who couldn’t take care of what’s-his-name. You’re the one who had to make breakthroughs and learn something about himself. So now, fittingly, you’re the one who gets to do the honors.

BUFFY/FIRST I have to admit, I’m glad it worked out this way. I was going to bleed Andrew but you look a lot better with your shirt off. To be honest, I’m getting a little tired of subtle. I think it’s about time we brought some authority to our presence. Now Spike, want to see what a real vampire looks like?

***

Bring On The Night

ANYA Nothing and nothing, Cliff Notes to nothing, nothing abridged…

WILLOW Yeah, my search isn’t turning anything up either. Are you sure this thing called itself The First?

BUFFY Pretty sure. It claimed to be the original evil, the one that came before anything else.

ANYA Please, how many times have I heard that line in my demon days? “I’m so rotten, they don’t even have a word for it. I’m bad. Baddy bad bad bad. Does it make you horny?” Or terrified. Whatever.

***

GILES Sorry to barge in. We have a slight apocalypse.

***

DAWN They’re all Slayers?

GILES Potential Slayers. Waiting for one to be called. There were many more like them all over the world, but now there’s just a handful and they’re all on their way to Sunnydale.

BUFFY The others were murdered.

GILES In cold blood. As well as their Watchers. We always feared that this day would come, when there would be an attack against not just an individual Slayer but against the whole line.

BUFFY The First. That’s what it wants.

GILES Yes, to erase all the Slayers in training and their Watchers along with their methods.

BUFFY And then Faith, and then me. And with all the potentials gone and no way of making another, it’s the end. No more Slayer. Ever.

***

BUFFY But what do these records say about The First?

GILES Very little. It can change form. It only appears in the guise of someone who has passed away.

WILLOW Our ghosts.

GILES Also it’s not corporeal. It can’t touch or fight on it’s own. It only works through those it manipulates. And its followers, the Bringers.

KENNEDY Those freaks in the black robes.

MOLLY Yeah, with the hoodies and the crazy alphabet eyes. I never saw ’em, I just heard—

ANNABELLE Shh! Molly, Mr. Giles doesn’t need us prattling on.

GILES The First is unlike anything we’ve faced before. I mean, there’s evil and then there’s the thing that created evil, the source.

BUFFY And that’s what this thing claims to be?

GILES That’s what it is. It has eternities to act, endless resources. How to defeat it… I honestly don’t know. But we have to find a way. If the Slayer line is eliminated, then the Hellmouth has no guardian. The balance is destroyed. I’m afraid it falls to you, Buffy. Sorry. I mean, we’ll do what we can but you’re the only one who has the strength to protect these girls— and the world— against what’s coming.

XANDER But no pressure.

***

GILES What you fought was a vampire but it was something more than that. It was a Turok-han. As Neanderthals are to human beings, the Turok-han are to vampires. Primordial, ferociously powerful killing machines, as single-minded as animals. They are the vampires that vampires fear. An ancient and entirely different race and, until this morning, I thought they were a myth.

***

WOOD I’m only saying that once you see true evil, it can have some serious afterburn and then you can’t unsee what you saw. Ever. That’s just one opinion.

***

THE FIRST/DRUSILLA Think of it as a game. A fun, funny game. Without all the rules or any of the bothersome winning part. But still, there are sides. You have to choose a side, Spike. Then we can fly, be free and visit all our friends as they come squirming up from out the earth. I know you like a good wriggle and a giggle and a squiggle.

SPIKE You’re not Drusilla.

THE FIRST/DRUSILLA No, I’m really not.

SPIKE She was crazier than you.

THE FIRST/DRUSILLA Oh, daddy. No kicking. It’s almost Christmas day today and you’ve gone spoiling it. I’ve been so very good all year. But I could be bad if you like. Bad daddy. Needs a caning. Never learned his headmaster’s lesson while all the school bells ring and ring and ring and ring and ring… Choose a side. Choose our side. You know that it’s delicious. What do you say?

SPIKE Dru, luv…

THE FIRST/DRUSILLA Hmm?

SPIKE Get bent.

THE FIRST/DRUSILLA Stupid, stubborn daddy.

***

JOYCE Are you worried about the sun going down? Because there’s some things you can’t control. The sun always goes down, the sun always comes up.

BUFFY Everyone’s counting on me.

JOYCE Well, they do that and I’m sorry, Buffy, but these friends of yours put too much pressure on you. They always have.

BUFFY Something evil is coming.

JOYCE Buffy, evil isn’t coming. It’s already here. Evil is always here. Don’t you know? It’s everywhere.

BUFFY And I have to stop it.

JOYCE How are you going to do that?

BUFFY I don’t know yet but—

JOYCE Buffy, no matter what your friends expect of you, evil is a part of us. All of us. It’s natural. And no one can stop that. No one can stop nature, not even—

***

THE FIRST/DRUSILLA Do you know why you’re alive?

SPIKE Never figured you for existential thought, luv. I mean, you hated Paris.

THE FIRST/DRUSILLA You’re alive for one reason and one reason only. Because I wish it. Do you know why I wish it? Because I’m not done with you.

SPIKE Give it up. Whatever you are, whatever you got planned, I’m out. You can’t pull this puppet’s strings anymore.

THE FIRST/DRUSILLA And what makes you think you have a choice? What makes you think you will ever be any good at all in this world?

SPIKE She does. Because she believes in me.

***

GILES I’m not sure. The First predates everything we’ve ever known or can know. It’s everywhere. It’s pure. I don’t know if we can fight it.

BUFFY You’re right. We don’t know how to fight it. We don’t know when it’ll come. We can’t run, can’t hide, can’t pretend it’s not the end, because it is. Something’s always been there to try and destroy the world. We’ve beaten them back but we’re not dealing with them anymore. We’re dealing with the reason they exist. Evil. The strongest. The First.

GILES Buffy, I know you’re tired…

BUFFY I’m beyond tired. I’m beyond scared. I’m standing on the mouth of hell and it is going to swallow me whole. And it’ll choke on me. We’re not ready? They’re not ready. They think we’re going to wait for the end to come, like we always do. I’m done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Oh, we’ll give ’em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now because we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on, we won’t just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them and cut out their hearts one by one until The First shows itself for what it really is. And I’ll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil and that’s us. Any questions?

***

Showtime

RONA You’re… you’re her!

BUFFY Her is me.

RONA Yeah. You know, I thought… well, they told me I’d be safe here.

BUFFY Right. Well, you are. I mean you will be. Safer. With me around.

RONA That’s good.

BUFFY Next time you’re attacked—

RONA Whoa, whoa! Next time? You saying I’m gonna get attacked again?

BUFFY Welcome to the Hellmouth.

***

GILES Molly, why don’t you show our new houseguest where the kitchen is? I’m sure she’s hungry after her travels.

MOLLY Fair enough. A bit peckish myself.

RONA A bit… what myself?

ANYA That’s English for “hungry”.

RONA Oh… Here I thought “hungry” was English for “hungry.”

***

THE FIRST/BUFFY Dreaming of me again, aren’t you? Poor Spike. He still thinks I believe in him. Be realistic. I don’t even believe in myself. At least not enough to risk my skin to save your ass. Not enough to face… that. I’m sorry, Spike. But you need to accept this. You know it never would have worked out. It’s time to let go so we can both move on. I promise, soon it will all be—

SPIKE She will come for me. She will come for me. She will come for me.

THE FIRST/BUFFY No. I won’t.

***

BELJOXA’S EYE It cannot be fought. It cannot be killed. The First Evil has been and always will be. Since before the universe was born, long after there is nothing else, it will go on.

GILES I refuse to believe that. There must be some way to destroy it.

BELJOXA’S EYE What? Am I talking to myself here? There’s no way.

ANYA Okay, we tried. Let’s go, Giles.

GILES Are you saying that The First will succeed in wiping out the line of Slayers?

BELJOXA’S EYE The Eye sees not the future. Only the truths of the now and before.

ANYA Yes, we’ve all got that. It’s called memory! Can you help us out with something a little bit more demony?

GILES If The First has been around for all time, then why hasn’t it attempted something like this before? Why now?

BELJOXA’S EYE The opportunity has only recently presented itself.

GILES Opportunity?

BELJOXA’S EYE The mystical forces surrounding the Chosen line have become irrevocably altered, become unstable, vulnerable.

ANYA Something The First did?

BELJOXA’S EYE The First Evil did not cause the disruption, only seized upon it to extinguish the lives of the Chosen forever.

GILES Then what has caused the disruption? What is responsible for letting this happen?

BELJOXA’S EYE The Slayer.

***

WILLOW I needed to make sure. The last time I tried using magick, The First… it turned it around on me, got inside. I felt it surging through me, every fiber of my being. Pure, undiluted evil. I could taste it.

KENNEDY How does evil taste?

WILLOW A little chalky.

***

ANYA Yeah… I just… I don’t understand how Buffy’s death mucked up the whole Slayer mojo. You know, it’s not like she hasn’t died before.

GILES It’s not because she died. The Beljoxa’s Eye was quite clear about that… in its enigmatic way. It’s because she lives. Again. Buffy’s not responsible for that.

ANYA Oh. No. Willow and me and Xander and Tara… we’re the ones who brought Buffy back. We’re the reason The First is here, the reason those girls were murdered. It’s our fault. The world would have been better off if Buffy had just stayed dead.

***

XANDER Come on, people. We gotta move.

ANDREW I’m moving. Climbing’s not my thing. I’ve got an inner-ear condition.

XANDER Is falling your thing? Because if you don’t pick up the pace, I’m gonna come up there and drop your ass.

ANDREW Good way to keep up morale in a crisis. No wonder Buffy’s the leader.

***

BUFFY (to Turok-han) Looks good, doesn’t it? They’re trapped in here. Terrified. Meat for the beast and there’s nothing they can do but wait. That’s all they’ve been doing for days… waiting to be picked off, having nightmares about monsters that can’t be killed. But I don’t believe in that. I always find a way. I’m the thing that monsters have nightmares about. And right now, you and me are going to show them why. It’s time. Welcome to Thunderdome.

ANDREW (to himself) Two men enter, one man leaves.

***

BUFFY See? Dust. Just like the rest of ’em. I don’t know what’s coming next but I do know it’s going to be just like this. Hard. Painful. But in the end, it’s going to be us. If we all do our parts, believe it, we’ll be the ones left standing. Here endeth the lesson.

***

Pontential

SPIKE Okay, these two are dead. Why?

RONA ’Cause the black chick always gets it first?

***

BUFFY Are you okay?

SPIKE Fine. A couple of ribs ain’t quite set right since… I’m fine.

BUFFY Let me see.

SPIKE No.

BUFFY Spike…

SPIKE I’ll be okay.

RONA That’s hot.

MOLLY So we’re supposed to like make out with them or something?

***

BUFFY You’re all going to die. But you knew that already because that’s the cool reward for being human. The big desert at the end of the meal. Don’t kid yourselves, you guys. This whole thing is all about death. You think you’re different because you might be the next Slayer? Death is what a Slayer breathes, what a Slayer dreams about when she sleeps. Death is what a Slayer lives. My death could make you the next Slayer. Oh, goody. Rapt attention. I love that so much.

***

AMANDA Do people ever think you’re weird?

BUFFY I guess… sure. In a charming, endearing, lovable… yeah.

AMANDA I feel like people think I’m weird and so they pick on me. But I might be. Weird.

BUFFY Amanda, why do you think you’re weird?

AMANDA One of the boys who picks on me… I kind of… see, if a guy picks on you, is it weird to think he’s cute?

BUFFY Oh…

AMANDA It’s just the last few times I’ve seen him, I’ve wanted to, you know, pick on him. Extra. More.

BUFFY Uh-huh.

AMANDA The thing is, I can’t tell. My mom says when a guy teases you, it means he likes you.

BUFFY Sometimes that’s true.

AMANDA Is it weird? We’re mean to each other and we like each other.

BUFFY Well, it depends. I mean, sometimes that’s how people relate. Being mean to each other… even mortal enemies. Then with the… and that leads to no good— absolutely no good— and much confusion, and then it’s over— absolutely, seriously, definitely over— and that’s confusing, too— the over part— which it is. Over. So maybe.

***

ANDREW I’m not begging!

BUFFY You’re like a small dog dancing for Snausages.

ANDREW You don’t want me coming along because you think I’m evil.

VI He doesn’t seem evil exactly.

BUFFY He’s not evil but when he gets close to it, he picks up its flavor, like a mushroom or something.

ANDREW But I’m reformed! I’m like Vegeta on Dragonball Z. I used to be a pure Saiyan and now I fight on the side of Goku.

BUFFY Still not coming.

***

XANDER Wow, she… you’re a potential. You could be the next Slayer.

DAWN Oh…

ANYA Yes, it’s like one second you’re this klutzy teenager with fake memories and a history of kleptomania and then suddenly you’re a hero. A hero with a much abbreviated life span.

XANDER This is huge! We have to think about this.

DAWN I can’t think about this! It doesn’t fit in my head.

WILLOW A Slayer… makes sense, I guess. Remember that thing about they share the same blood or whatever?

ANYA Yeah, I never got that.

DAWN She has to die. I mean, if I was ever the Slayer, it would mean she died.

***

AMANDA So if he scratched me with a tooth, am I… I’m not going to turn into one, am I?

DAWN Only if he slashed open one of his own veins and led you to drink deep of his blood.

AMANDA Nope.

DAWN Good. You’re lucky he didn’t hurt you way more than that.

AMANDA Right. He can do that. So… I was thinking. We don’t have to kill the vampire, do we?

DAWN What?

AMANDA Just suppose he got out and was maybe like encouraged toward the gym while the marching band was playing because the way they look down on the Swing Choir, it might be, you know, funny. I’m just sayin’…

***

RONA It’s a nest.

BUFFY How can you tell?

KENNEDY Only a vamp could live like this.

SPIKE Some, yeah. I mean, as a group we’re not known for our tasteful décor but in all fairness to the race, this place is seriously lacking in style.

BUFFY Thank you, Spike.

SPIKE Merely saying.

BUFFY He has a point. Vampires can live anywhere— any way— they want. Tastes, fashions, living conditions— they can vary. The animal inside? Always the same.

MOLLY Where’d you live?

SPIKE What, you mean before? A crypt, actually, but nicer. A bit more… I don’t know if posh is the right word but it was more like…

BUFFY Comfy.

KENNEDY Excuse me? When did you find it comfy?

***

DAWN Amanda, listen to me. Do you remember when you said I was special? Well, I’m not. But the thing is, you are. This is your battle, Amanda.

AMANDA No, I can’t!

DAWN You can! You’ve got to. Look, I’ve got your back but this is something you have to do. It’s something you were born to do.

***

AMANDA Okay… one minute I’m in Swing Choir and the next… what the hell is going on? You tell me to come to you with problems. Turns out a vampire attacked me! Problem. So I go to your house, only when I get there, this orange cloud hits me.

DAWN She was at the doorway.

AMANDA And I don’t know if you’re into the drugs but that’s not my deal, all right? That cloud hit me and I got a little dizzy and discombobulated.

DAWN It was Willow’s spell. She’s the potential Slayer.

***

DAWN What’s up?

XANDER Oh, I’m just thinking about the girls. It’s a harsh gig, being a potential. Just being picked out of a crowd. Danger, destiny… plus, if you act now, death.

DAWN They can handle it.

XANDER Yeah. They’re special, no doubt. And the amazing thing is, not one of them will ever know. Not even Buffy.

DAWN Know what?

XANDER How much harder it is for the rest of us.

DAWN No way. They’ve got—

XANDER Seven years, Dawn. Working with the Slayer. Seeing my friends get more and more powerful. A witch, a demon. Hell, I could fit Oz in my shaving kit but come a full moon he had a wolfy mojo not to be messed with. Powerful, all of them. And I’m the guy who fixes the windows.

DAWN Well, you had that sexy Army training for a while and… the windows really did need fixing.

XANDER I saw what you did last night.

DAWN Yeah, I… I guess I kinda lost my head when I thought I was the Slayer.

XANDER Well, you thought you were all special, Miss Sunnydale 2003. And the minute you found out you weren’t, you handed the crown to Amanda without a moment’s pause. You gave her your power.

DAWN The power wasn’t mine.

XANDER They’ll never know how tough it is, Dawnie. To be the one who isn’t chosen, to live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody’s watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You’re not special. You’re extraordinary.

DAWN Maybe that’s your power.

XANDER What?

DAWN Seeing. Knowing.

XANDER Maybe it is. Maybe I should get a cape.

DAWN Cape is good.

XANDER Yeah.

***

The Killer In Me

GILES Do you think they appreciate the gravity of what we’re undertaking? It’s frightening and it’s difficult. And then apparently someone told them that the vision quest consists of me driving them into the desert, doing the hokey-pokey, until a spooky Rasta-mama Slayer arrives and speaks to them in riddles.

BUFFY That’s not exactly how I put it. I…(to Willow) Hey! How’s Kennedy?

WILLOW Still fluey. Bummed about missing the field trip. (to Giles) She says she wants you to meditate extra hard for her and bring her back some S’mores.

GILES Ah, yes. S’mores. I’m going to end up singing campfire songs, aren’t I?

BUFFY Oh, yeah.

***

WILLOW Hey, how is he?

BUFFY In the goes part of “comes and goes”.

WILLOW Well, there seems to be a definite lack of screaming. That has to be good.

BUFFY You’d think. That for the other patient?

WILLOW Yeah. Thought I’d bring her some tea. Help her feel better.

BUFFY Mm-hmm.

WILLOW It’s just tea.

BUFFY Will, how much do you know about the chip?

WILLOW Spike’s chip? Well, I remember trying to dig up stuff back then but… turns out when a secret government agency studies vampires and puts chips in their brains that keep them from hurting people, they don’t really build web sites. Why?

BUFFY Even with the chip, Spike was able to hurt all those people when he was brainwashed.

WILLOW Yeah, but he was under the control of The First.

BUFFY Maybe something’s wrong with it.

WILLOW The chip was misfiring all on its own, then. Well, this’ll be fun.

BUFFY Remember when things used to be nice and boring?

WILLOW No.

BUFFY Have fun delivering the tea.

WILLOW Okay, not when you make it sound all dirty like that. It’s just tea.

***

KENNEDY Okay, one drink. I can work with that. Let’s start with the easy stuff. How long have you known? That you were gay?

WILLOW Wait, that’s easy? And, wait, you just assume that I’m… that I’m gay? I mean, presume much?

KENNEDY Okay, sorry. How long have you enjoyed having sex with women?

WILLOW Hey! What? You think you have some kind of like special lesbidar or something?

KENNEDY Okay, you know there’s a better word for that, right? You really haven’t been getting out there that much, have you?

WILLOW Well, I just… can you always tell? Just by looking at someone?

***

BUFFY There’s gotta be a reason why the chip is going all wonky. Maybe it’s related to the trigger… or maybe it has something to do with the new soul.

SPIKE Or maybe I wasn’t meant to last this long. One more thing you and I have in common, eh, pet?

BUFFY Well, we’ll fix it. We’ll hit serious research mode—

SPIKE Good. Try “behavioral modification software through the ages.”

BUFFY Okay, you’re right, it’s not a book thing. It’s a phone thing.

SPIKE Who’re you gonna call? God, that phrase is never going to be usable again, is it?

BUFFY Doubt it.

***

KENNEDY It was Gone With the Wind. I saw that and I knew I wanted to sweep Scarlett off her feet.

WILLOW You were five.

KENNEDY Well, I’m not saying the sweeping would have been easy. What?

WILLOW No, it’s just… I still don’t get it. Why you like me. I mean, you don’t even know me.

KENNEDY Have you seen you? And we like the same things. Italian. Skate punk. Robert Parker mysteries. Fighting evil.

WILLOW I don’t like any of that stuff. Except the fighting evil part. And even then I’d prefer a nice foot massage.

KENNEDY Okay… I dig the way you always turn off the Moulin Rouge DVD at chapter 32 so it has a happy ending. I like the way you speak. It’s interesting. And your freckles— lickable. I’m not so into the magick stuff— seems like fairy tale crap to me— but it matters to you. You care about it, so it’s cool.

***

WILLOW/WARREN I’m Willow.

XANDER Are you sure?

WILLOW/WARREN There are other stories from kindergarten— non-yellowcrayon stories— in which you don’t come out in such a good light. An incident involving Aquaman Underoos, for example. You want me to start talking?

XANDER Hey! Willow!

***

XANDER He was attacked, this Robson guy. In England. And Giles was there, helping him, and there was a Bringer…

ANYA Xander?

XANDER Robson blacked out but the last thing he remembers was that Giles’ head was about to get real familiar with the Bringer’s very sharp axe.

DAWN Oh, my god.

ANYA Giles never mentioned any of this.

XANDER Robson said that by the time he came to, there’s no Giles.

DAWN So what are we saying?

XANDER Maybe Giles just didn’t want to talk about it.

ANYA Or maybe he didn’t make it. Look, I’m not saying it’s a happy scenario but we’re dealing with a big bad that can be any dead person it wants.

XANDER Because if you wanted to infiltrate the inner circle of the Slayer…

ANYA …you become the one person she trusts more than anybody else.

DAWN But there’s no way that we can know…

ANDREW Actually, that’s not true. The First can’t take corporeal form so it can’t touch anything.

ANYA Well, it’s not like Giles hasn’t touched anything, right? Has anyone seen Giles touch anything since he got back? Hold anything? Has anybody hugged him? Think very hard.

ANDREW Where are you—

XANDER Desert. We’re going to find Giles.

***

AMY It didn’t work?

WILLOW/WARREN No, it didn’t, you dumb bitch!

KENNEDY Willow…

AMY You… you slapped me.

WILLOW/WARREN No. I didn’t. It wasn’t me. It was Warren.

***

KENNEDY Okay. You’re upset.

WILLOW/WARREN Upset? Upset! Are you just tuning in? Did you not see that? I’m turning into him. It’s not a trick, it’s not a glamour. I’m becoming him. A murderous, misogynist man. Do you understand what he did? What I could do? I killed him for a reason.

KENNEDY Getting angry isn’t helping. We can still try to—

WILLOW/WARREN You understand nothing about magick. And in case you didn’t notice, our “date” is over.

***

AMY You’re really worried about her? Look, she’s gonna be fine, really. She’s good at this. She’s strong. And she’s dealt with a lot worse. Long before she ever went out and found herself a big old potential slayer bodyguard, okay? Just have a little faith in her.

KENNEDY I never said I was a potential Slayer.

AMY Oh. No, I think you did. When first got here, you told us—

KENNEDY No. I didn’t. How did you know who I was?

AMY Oops.

***

GILES We all feel each other. Including some of us who don’t know each other well enough to take such liberties, thank you. I assume there’s a perfectly reasonable and not at all insane explanation here.

ANYA We thought you might be non-corporeal evil.

DAWN We got a call. We couldn’t remember you touching anything.

XANDER We had to come make sure you were okay. We were worried.

GILES Oh. That’s very sweet. Now wait a minute. You think I’m evil if I bring a group of girls on a camping trip and don’t touch them?

***

GENERAL Ms. Summers. Agent Finn reported that you tried to contact him earlier today.

BUFFY I knew it! Government conspiracy.

GENERAL He indicated you might be needing our assistance. We’re to provide you anything you need to help Assface here. Those were his exact words, ma’am.

***

GENERAL Med team tells me they took a look at the chip. You were right. It’s degraded. Leave it as it is much longer, it’ll be fatal to him.

BUFFY Okay, so how long until—

GENERAL Now.

BUFFY Right. Of course What do we do next?

GENERAL Agent Finn said it was your call, ma’am.

BUFFY My… what was my call?

GENERAL All decisions regarding Hostile 17 are to be left in your hands. This chip. We can either repair it… or remove it.

***

KENNEDY What did you do to her?

AMY What, to Willow? Oh. Just your standard penance malediction is all.

KENNEDY Okay, and that’s magick crazy talk for what?

AMY I put a hex on her.

KENNEDY I got that part. But why Warren? And why did it happen after we kissed?

AMY Oh, that’s rich. That must’ve been some kiss. You must be good.

KENNEDY Answer me.

AMY The hex I cast lets the victim’s subconscious pick the form of their punishment. It’s always better than anything I can come up with. Elegant, you know?

KENNEDY Undo it. Let her out.

AMY Okay. Oh, wait, I forgot. No.

KENNEDY Why would you do this to her? You really hate her that much?

AMY This is not about hate. It’s about power. Willow always had all the power, long before she even knew what to do with it. Just came so easy for her. The rest of us— we had to work twice as hard to be half as good. But no one cares about how hard you work. They just care about cute, sweet Willow. They don’t know how weak she is. She gave in to evil— stuff worse than I can even imagine. She almost destroyed the world! And yet everyone keeps on loving her. So what’s wrong with having a little fun, huh? Taking her down a peg or two?

KENNEDY Fun? She’s disappearing— fading away in that creep— and you think it’s fun?

AMY It was just a game. It’s not my fault she’s losing herself.

KENNEDY I’m going to stop you now, you know.

AMY Hey, I’m not the bad guy here. But I wonder where he’d be right about now?

***

WILLOW/WARREN You think you can just do that to me? You think I’d let you get away with that? Think again.

KENNEDY Do… get away with… (sees gun) Okay, let’s not get excited.

WILLOW/WARREN It’s too late for that. This is what I am. I made it happen and I’ll make it stop.

KENNEDY Willow, what did you make happen?

WILLOW/WARREN You were there, bitch, you saw it! I killed her!

KENNEDY You mean him.

WILLOW/WARREN Him! Her! You know what I mean.

KENNEDY You said her.

WILLOW/WARREN No. That was Warren—

KENNEDY No. No, it wasn’t. You said I was there. Who did you kill, Willow?

WILLOW/WARREN It was your fault. Slut. You tricked me, got me to forget.

KENNEDY Tara…

WILLOW/WARREN Shut up! Shut! Up! You do not get to say her name! Offering it up to whoever’s there. Tricking me into kissing you… I… I didn’t mean that. What I’m saying… I can’t make it— Kennedy? I can’t hold on… he’s winning.

KENNEDY No…

WILLOW/WARREN I’m being punished. I kissed you, just for a second, but it was just enough. I let her go. I didn’t mean to.

KENNEDY Kissing me didn’t mean th—

WILLOW/WARREN No, she was never gone. She was with me. We should have been forever… and I… I let her be dead. She’s really dead. And I killed her.

KENNEDY Willow, no…

WILLOW/WARREN Please, baby, I’m so sorry. Come back. I’m sorry. I’m sorry! Come back…

KENNEDY Willow, I don’t think you did anything wrong. This is just magick and I think I’m figuring the whole magick thing out. It’s just like fairy tales.

WILLOW/WARREN What are you doing?

KENNEDY Bringing you back to life.

***

First Date

SPIKE Anya said you were The First. Said you were evil. You’re supposed to be all… go-through-able.

GILES Then why the hell did you tackle me, you berk? What was that supposed to do?

SPIKE Yeah… didn’t think of that.

GILES And, more importantly, you just hit me! Why didn’t your chip go off?

SPIKE Yeah, well…

BUFFY Well, when we were at the Initiative…

SPIKE …there was a choice.

BUFFY Right. To either repair the chip or to remove it.

GILES You had it removed? You removed the chip?

BUFFY Yeah.

SPIKE Had to make a choice.

BUFFY It really is okay.

AMANDA What’s a chip?

***

GILES You know this is very dangerous.

BUFFY You’ve just heard horror stories. Wear hoops, they’ll catch on something, rip your lobe off, lobes flying everywhere.

GILES That’s not what I’m talking about.

BUFFY You mean Spike not having a chip. Free-range Spike.

GILES I have to ask. Why on earth did you make that decision?

BUFFY I guess it was instinct, like you were talking about.

GILES I made that up! I knew the Bringer was there because his shoes squeaked. Buffy, it’s crucial that we keep these girls safe and I can’t count the dangers: The First, the Bringers, random demons and now Spike?

BUFFY And the principal.

GILES What?

BUFFY Oh, nothing much. He was in the school basement holding a shovel, acting kind of evasive. Plus he’s got that whole “too charming to be real” thing going on. I’m looking into it.

GILES Well, that sounds very responsible of you. Balances out the vampire-on-the-loose issue.

BUFFY Nothing’s changed, Giles. Spike had a chip before, remember? When The First had him kill and sire all those people.

GILES We have no idea if his chip was working then. A new chip might restrain him should The First attempt to activate him again.

BUFFY Spike has a soul now. That’s what’s going to stop him from hurting people.

GILES Buffy…

BUFFY He can be a good man, Giles. I feel it. But he’s never going to get there if we don’t give him the chance.

GILES Buffy, I want more for you. Your feelings for him are coloring your judgment. I can hear it in your voice. And that way lies a future filled with pain. I don’t want that for you.

BUFFY We haven’t… things have been different since he came back.

GILES It doesn’t matter if you’re not physical with each other anymore. There’s a connection. You rely on him, he relies on you. That’s what’s affecting your judgment.

BUFFY You think I’m losing sight of the big picture but I’m not. When Spike had that chip, it was like having him in a muzzle. It was wrong. We can’t beat evil by doing evil. I know that.

GILES Well, I hope you’re right. You’re gambling with a lot of lives.

***

LYSSA Lyssa. And I guess I could use some advice. I can’t even figure out if I’ve got the right kind of rope.

XANDER That depends what you need it for. Something like functional around the house or, you know, recreational? By which I mean, for example, boating or mountain climbing, not for tying someone up for sexy funky fun.

***

WOOD Hey, Buffy.

BUFFY Yeah?

WOOD What are you doing tonight?

BUFFY Preparing for tomorrow’s counseling sessions.

WOOD No, really.

BUFFY Watching a reality show about a millionaire.

WOOD Well, then I’d like to take you out to dinner if that’s all right with you. I mean, you don’t have to. I’m certainly not saying “come to dinner if you enjoy having a job.” You know, I may have to make up a little document saying I didn’t just say that and have you sign it.

BUFFY Sure, I’d be happy to have dinner with you.

WOOD Great. I’ll draw up the paperwork.

***

WILLOW So he asked you out to dinner?

BUFFY Yeah. Isn’t that weird? He’s a principal. He’s a young hot principal with earrings but he’s a principal. Why do you think he asked me out? He could be interested, right?

WILLOW Yeah, sure. You’re a frisky vixen.

BUFFY Or it could be work-related. Maybe I’m getting promoted for doing such a good job.

WILLOW Oh. Right. That would make sense, too.

BUFFY Or maybe he knows that I suspect he’s up to something and he’s taking me out to kill me.

WILLOW Well, you’ll have to dress for the ambiguity.

BUFFY You know, it’s not even that he’s acting that suspicious. It’s just there he is, on the Hellmouth, all day every day. That’s got to be like being showered with evil, only from underneath.

WILLOW Not really a shower.

BUFFY A bidet, then. Like a bidet of evil.

WILLOW Buff, if he really is interested… are you interested back?

BUFFY I don’t know. He’s good-looking and he’s solid, he’s smart, he’s… normal, so not the wicked energy, which is nice, ’cause I don’t want to only be attracted to wicked energy… or what if he is wicked, in which case, is that why I’m attracted to him?

WILLOW I’m going to wait for that sentence to come around again before I jump on.

***

XANDER Guys! Guess what happened?

WILLOW Buffy got a date!

XANDER No, I did! Fine. Way to steal my thunder.

BUFFY Sorry. If it makes you feel any better, it’s Principal Wood and I think he’s aligned with The First.

XANDER Also, like ten years older than you, right?

WILLOW Which is like a hundred years younger than your type.

BUFFY Yay, someone who doesn’t remember the Industrial Revolution.

WILLOW I think they’re going to end up making out. “Oh, Principal Wood,” she’ll gasp, “I love your lack of wicked energy.”

***

THE FIRST/JONATHAN There’s a button marked “clock set,” for pity’s sake. What kind of a nerd are you? No wonder you crashed your jet pack.

ANDREW Oh! Get thee behind me! I rebuke thee! Take that, The First!

THE FIRST/JONATHAN Look, you monkey… Oh! Ahh… it burns as it ineffectually passes through me. I’m not corporeal, remember? Also, not a vampire, so… a cross?

***

SPIKE You look nice.

BUFFY Oh, thanks. Traditionally, one wears something over this.

SPIKE Heard you got a date.

BUFFY Well, it’s unclear. I have this whole theory about a promotion. Or he’s evil.

SPIKE Buffy, I’m all right.

BUFFY You don’t have to…

SPIKE What? Be noble? I’m not. I really am all right. You think I still dream of a crypt for two with a white picket fence? My eyes are clear.

BUFFY Good. I’m glad. Thank you.

SPIKE Never much cared for picket fences, anyway. Bloody dangerous.

***

BUFFY So you knew who I was before you even came here.

WOOD Yes.

BUFFY How? How do you know about Slayers?

WOOD Right. Okay. See, when I was a little boy, my mother was one. The one, actually. The Slayer.

BUFFY You’re… mother? Wow. I didn’t know that any Slayers had children.

WOOD I don’t know of any others. She was killed when I was four. I still remember her but it’s a little fuzzy, you know?

BUFFY Something got her? A demon …

WOOD A vampire. Man, I went through this whole “avenging son” phase in my 20’s but I never found him. So now I just dust as many of them as I can find. Figure eventually I’ll get him. That’s probably why we got jumped outside. I’m not very popular with the bumpy-forehead crowd. I bet you aren’t, either.

BUFFY No, not most of ’em. So do you have Slayer powers? I’m sorry, I’m just… so floored, I have no idea what to ask.

WOOD No, I don’t have powers. No super-strength or mythic responsibilities. I’m just a guy with a few skills because her Watcher took me in and raised me.

BUFFY So you decided to tell me.

WOOD That’s right.

BUFFY In a darkened little romantic French restaurant.

WOOD Yeah. Not really sure how that happened but yeah.

***

XANDER This can’t just happen. It can’t just keep happening that demon women find me attractive! There’s gotta be a reason.

LYSSA You just seemed like a nice guy, that’s all. And I wanted to get to know you.

XANDER And kill me?

LYSSA Sure. Do the ropes hurt?

XANDER Yes.

LYSSA Good.

***

WILLOW No. It’s a text message. Oh, it’s from Xander. It’s one of our signals.

AMANDA Signals?

WILLOW We have a system we set up a while back. Like codes. This one’s either “I just got lucky, don’t call me for a while,” or “my date’s a demon who’s trying to kill me.”

KENNEDY You don’t remember which?

WILLOW It was long time ago.

DAWN Well, if we play the percentages…

GILES …something’s eating Xander’s head.

ANYA Say, that’s gratifying.

***

XANDER Look, I’ve… I know what happens if that seal down there gets all excited. I don’t think you understand what you’re getting yourself into.

LYSSA The seal opens up and a vicious feral vampire creature comes out.

XANDER Well, then you do understand but what makes you think that’s like a good idea?

LYSSA The end is coming. The final fight. And everyone is hearing the drumbeat. It’s telling us to pick our partners, align ourselves with the good or the evil. Couldn’t have done it without you, Xander. Thanks for the great date.

***

ANYA Where are they? It’s after two. I can’t believe Buffy hasn’t brought him home yet. His slut ate him up.

WILLOW His slut didn’t eat him up. Besides, I thought you were all angry at him.

ANYA My feelings are changeable but intense.

***

WILLOW What happened?

XANDER What do you think happened? Another demon woman was attracted to me. I’m going gay. I’ve decided I’m turning gay. Willow, gay me up! Come on, let’s gay!

WILLOW What?

XANDER You heard me. Just tell me what to do. I’m mentally undressing Scott Bakula. That’s a start, isn’t it?

ANDREW Captain Archer…

XANDER Come on, Willow, let’s get this gay show on the gay road. Help me out here.

BUFFY What if you just start attracting male demons?

DAWN Clem always liked you.

ANYA Would serve you right.

GILES Children, enough.

XANDER I’ll need some stylish new clothes…

GILES Enough! Have you learned nothing from tonight’s assorted chaos? There’s no time for fun and games and quips about orientation. These aren’t a joke. This happens. Girls are going to die. We may die. It’s time to get serious.

***

SPIKE Anybody tell you about what happened around here tonight?

BUFFY Willow did. The First is back in the mix.

SPIKE It talked to the little boy. Said it wasn’t time for me yet. I should move out. Leave town. Before it is time for me.

BUFFY No. You have to stay.

SPIKE You got another demon fighter now.

BUFFY That’s not why I need you here.

SPIKE Is that right? Why’s that, then?

BUFFY Because I’m not ready for you to not be here.

***

Get It Done

ANYA Thanks for having me along.

SPIKE Don’t mention it.

ANYA At first I thought, “It’s weird. Is Spike asking me out on a date?” Because that would just be… nuts.

SPIKE Right. I’m just out for the alcohol.

ANYA Right there with you, scooter. Tonight I plan to drink you under the table.

SPIKE You’re on, then.

ANYA Good. Of course, once you’re down there, I could join you. Kidding. I like my sex on top of the table.

SPIKE Would you let it go? You’re like a dog with a bone.

ANYA So what?

SPIKE It’s my bone. Just drop it.

ANYA Okay, okay. I wasn’t proposing. Time goes by, a girl gets hungry. You should know.

SPIKE Oh, thank god.

ANYA What?

SPIKE Demon.

***

WILLOW Oh. Hi. Hey. Well, Buffy… I see that our preparation for the school… pep-dance-cheer-drill-contest are… are coming along. Bring it on!

BUFFY It’s okay. I filled him in on everything.

WILLOW Oh, thank god. If I had to explain all these weapons, I had nothing.

***

WOOD She really almost destroyed the world?

BUFFY Yep.

WOOD Remind me not to make her crabby.

BUFFY Might be better if you did.

WOOD How’s that work?

BUFFY Oh, I don’t know. It’s just… The First is coming and then look at us. The army. We’ve got a bunch of fighters with nothing to hit. A Wicca who won’ta and the brains of our operation wears oven mitts.

WOOD Well, you’re redefining the job, Buffy, and that takes guts. This isn’t your full arsenal, anyway. Show me the vampire.

***

BUFFY Dawn, get a knife. I’m cutting her down.

THE FIRST/CHLOE Good thinking. But on the other hand, why rush? Up or down, I’ll still be dead.

BUFFY You’re not Chloe.

THE FIRST/CHLOE Yeah, well neither is she anymore. Now she’s just Chloe’s body.

KENNEDY What did you do to her?

THE FIRST/CHLOE Nothing. We just talked all night. Well, I did most of the talking. But Chloe is— I’m sorry, was— a good listener. Till she hanged herself. Like when you called her maggot. She really heard that.

BUFFY Don’t listen to it. Any of you. It’s The First.

THE FIRST/CHLOE Oh, let ’em. The only reason why Chloe offed herself was because she knew what you’re not getting. I’m coming. You’re going. All this? It’s almost over.

BUFFY We’ll be here.

THE FIRST/CHLOE All of you? But wait, I thought… (Buffy’s voice) they’re not all going to make it. Some will die and nothing I can do will stop that. (Chloe’s voice) Hey, I didn’t say it. But I’ll be seeing all of you. One by one. TTFN.

BUFFY What’s TTFN?

RONA It’s “ta-ta for now”. It’s what Tigger says when he leaves.

AMANDA Chloe loved Winnie the Pooh.

BUFFY Dawn, where’s that knife?

***

BUFFY Where are you going?

SPIKE Out. Since I’m neither a girl nor waiting. All this speechifying doesn’t really apply to me, does it?

BUFFY Fine. Take a cell phone. That way if I need someone to get weepy or wailed on I can call you.

SPIKE If you’ve got something to say…

BUFFY Just said it. You keep holding back, you might as well walk out that door.

SPIKE Holding back? You’re blind. I’ve been here. Right in it. Fighting, scrapping—

BUFFY Since you got your soul back?

SPIKE Well, as a matter of fact, I haven’t been quite relishing the kill the way I used to.

BUFFY You were a better fighter then.

SPIKE I did this for you! The soul, the changes— it’s what you wanted!

BUFFY What I want is the Spike that’s dangerous! The Spike that tried to kill me when we met.

SPIKE Oh, you don’t know how close you are to bringing him out.

BUFFY I’m nowhere near him. Dawn, get the potentials upstairs and break out that emergency kit.

DAWN What are you going to do?

BUFFY I’m declaring an emergency.

***

WILLOW I don’t even know what magick to use.

KENNEDY Why not just try all 32 flavors? The worst thing that happens is you go brunette.

WILLOW That’s not the worst thing that can happen.

ANYA She’s right. And you know we have a choice. We can risk Willow’s life and the rest of our lives to get Buffy back… or we leave her out there.

WOOD If we play it safe back here, Buffy could stay lost.

ANYA You missed her “everyone sucks but me” speech. If she’s so superior, let her find her own way back.

***

SHADOW MAN #3 You are the Hellmouth’s last guardian.

BUFFY Latest. You mean latest guardian.

SHADOW MAN #1 No.

***

BUFFY What is this?

SHADOW MAN #3 We are at the beginning. The source of your strength. The well of the Slayer’s power.

SHADOW MAN #1 This is why we have brought you here.

BUFFY I thought I brought me here. Look, listen you guys, I’m already the Slayer. Bursting with power. Really don’t need any more.

SHADOW MAN #1 The first Slayer did not talk so much.

SHADOW MAN #1 Herein lies your truest strength.

SHADOW MAN #2 The energy of the demon. Its spirit.

SHADOW MAN #3 Its heart.

BUFFY This is how you—

SHADOW MAN #1 Created the Slayer? Yes.

SHADOW MAN #3 It must become one with you.

BUFFY No!

SHADOW MAN #1 This will make you ready for the fight.

BUFFY By making me less human?

SHADOW MAN #1 This is how it was then. How it must be now.

***

WOOD Where are you going?

SPIKE Got a job.

WOOD Nice coat. Where’d you get it?

SPIKE New York.

***

BUFFY You think I came all this way to get knocked up by some demon dust? I can’t fight this. I know that now. But you guys? You’re just men. Just the men who did this. To her. Whoever that girl was before she was the first Slayer.

SHADOW MAN #1 You don’t understand.

BUFFY No, you don’t understand! You violated that girl, made her kill for you because you’re weak, you’re pathetic, and you obviously have nothing to show me.

***

Storyteller

ANDREW Oh! Hello there, gentle viewers. You caught me catching up on an old favorite. It’s wonderful to get lost in a story, isn’t it? The adventure and heroics and discovery… don’t they just take you away? Hmm. Come with me now, if you will, gentle viewers. Join me on a new voyage of the mind, a little tale I like to call Buffy, A Slayer of the Vampires. It was cold last night and the wind was cruel but the Slayer had a job to do… Unfortunately, vampires have a job to do, too. Ouch. My goodness. Things look bad for the Slayer, don’t they? She didn’t see that second vampire, concealed by cover of darkness, ready— ready to attack and make her his own vampirical spawn. Let’s rejoin them now to see—

ANYA For god’s sakes, Andrew! You’ve been in here thirty minutes. What are you doing?

ANDREW Entertaining and educating.

ANYA Why can’t you just masturbate like the rest of us?

***

WOOD And you’ve dealt with this before? I mean, you’ve seen stuff like this in the high school?

BUFFY Sure. You know, swim team monsters or killer prom dogs. Again, not all at once.

WOOD So what makes now so special?

BUFFY My guess? It’s that seal thing in the basement. It’s like all the Hellmouth’s energy is trying to escape from that one little spot and it’s getting all…

WOOD Focusy.

BUFFY Careful. You’re starting to speak like me now.

***

ANDREW This is Xander and Anya interview number one for Buffy: A Slayer of the Vampires.

ANYA That’s what you’re calling it?

ANDREW Either that or Buffy: The Slayer Who Knew No Fear.

XANDER I like that one.

ANDREW Thank you, Xander. That’s sweet of you. I understand that exactly one year ago today you left Anya at the altar. Any comment on that?

XANDER Whoa. What the hell?

ANDREW I just think people will be interested.

ANYA I know I am. What do you have to say for yourself one year later?

XANDER I’ve apologized enough. That’s what I have to say.

ANDREW But you think it was something that called for an apology?

XANDER Well, yes.

ANDREW So you don’t think it was the right thing to do.

ANYA Of course he doesn’t think it was the right thing to do.

XANDER It was the right thing to do.

ANYA What?

ANDREW Interesting. I feel like we’re getting to something here.

XANDER Look, Anya, if I’d married you, it would have been against everything I thought was best. It wouldn’t have worked.

ANYA But we… we still spark! I get jealous of you, you get jealous of me. You still love me.

ANDREW Is that true, Xander? Do you still love her?

***

WOOD Have you ever really studied it… you know, gotten close?

BUFFY Well, I know it’s a goat’s head with its tongue out. Willow did a search on the symbolic database but it turns out everyone likes a good goat’s tongue… rock groups, covens and Greek cookbooks. She said she couldn’t narrow it down.

WOOD And you trust her?

BUFFY Yes. Why wouldn’t I trust her?

WOOD I don’t know why any of you should trust each other. You’ve all been evil at some point, right?

BUFFY No. That’s not true. I mean, yeah, Willow had a… bad patch. But I’ve never been.

WOOD Evil is what evil does, right? And I know what you’re doing. You’re with that vampire. Screwing that vampire. You filthy whore!

BUFFY Robin! Are you okay?

WOOD Whoa. What happened?

BUFFY I… I think it was controlling you.

WOOD Buffy, we’ve got to get rid of this seal. We’ve got to shut it down before it starts affecting everyone.

BUFFY I think I have a pretty good idea who we should talk to.

WOOD Yeah? Who’s that?

BUFFY The guy that fed it its first drop of blood.

***

SPIKE I thought I told you to piss off with this bloody camera. And here you are again with that thing in my face. Sod off ‘fore I rip your throat out and eat it—

ANDREW Spike, the light was kinda behind you…

SPIKE Oh, right. This better, then? I thought I told you to piss off with this bloody camera. And here you are again with that thing in my face. Sod off—

***

ANYA You keep ducking the question.

XANDER I don’t mean to. It’s just you know how I feel, right? And you were the one who didn’t want to keep seeing each other.

ANYA And here’s where we hop on the merry-go-round of rotating knives. I blame you and you blame me and we both end up all cut to shreds. Please, just tell… Do you still love me?

XANDER Yes, I still love you. I always will. I just don’t know if that means anything for us anymore.

ANYA Well, I love you, too. And I don’t know if that means anything, either.

XANDER Well, it’s nice to hear. I’m not going to find anyone out there like you, am I?

ANYA It doesn’t seem likely.

XANDER I guess I’m more replaceable, obviously.

ANYA No, there’s no one like you, Xander.

ANYA You were willing to stand up to danger even when your hands had no weapons. You were ready to protect me with your life.

XANDER Yeah, I guess we fit together pretty good.

ANYA We fit together great.

XANDER You know, sometimes I want to be back in your life.

ANYA I hope you know you never left my heart.

***

WILLOW We need to see that knife. There’s something there.

BUFFY Kennedy, search his stuff. Find the knife.

ANDREW It’s not in my stuff. It’s in the kitchen, in the cutlery drawer. You didn’t have any steak knives.

WILLOW You put your old murder weapon in with our utensils?

ANDREW I washed it.

***

SPIKE Looks to me like it’s still happening. Nice way to run a school. There’s gotta be kids injured in here.

WOOD Yeah, easy pickings for the likes of you, huh?

SPIKE Hey, here to help, you know.

WOOD Right…

ANDREW Check out Spike and the principal. There’s something going on there. Sexual tension you could cut with a knife.

***

XANDER It’s too bad Buffy took Spike’s chains down, huh?

ANYA You said it.

XANDER I feel good.

ANYA Well, yeah. I’m a spitfire in the bedroom.

XANDER Yeah, I always knew we’d do that again.

ANYA Yeah, one more time, anyway.

XANDER Is that what that was? A one more time?

ANYA Do you think there should be… more?

XANDER I don’t know. It was nice. It felt… it felt like a one more time.

ANYA I think maybe we’re really over. Which— it’s good, right? I mean, now we can move on.

XANDER Sure.

***

ANDREW So we figure what? I stand on the seal and hold the knife and like command it to stop glowing in Tawarick?

BUFFY Or we could do this.

ANDREW What…

BUFFY Doesn’t really make sense, does it? Bringing you here to talk to it? This thing doesn’t understand words. It understands blood.

ANDREW Blood opens it. You don’t want to open it. Opening it would be bad.

BUFFY Yeah, Willow did a little research. Turns out the blood of the person that awoke it— you— different kind of deal. It reverses the whole thing.

ANDREW How… how much blood? Are you going to…?

BUFFY I don’t know. Maybe not enough to kill you.

ANDREW So this is my redemption at last. I buy back my own bruised soul with the blood of my heart… but not… not enough to kill.

BUFFY Stop! Stop telling stories. Life isn’t a story.

ANDREW Sorry, sorry.

BUFFY Shut up. You always do this. You make everything into a story so no one’s responsible for anything because they’re just following a script.

ANDREW Please don’t kill me. Warren said Jonathan would be okay. I trusted him and I lost my friend.

BUFFY You didn’t lose him! You murdered him.

ANDREW I know. But you don’t need to kill me. You said we could all get through this.

BUFFY I made it up. I’m making it all up. So what kind of hero does that make me?

ANDREW No, you’re doing a great job, really. Kudos.

BUFFY Yeah, well, I don’t like having to give a bunch of speeches about how we’re all going to live, because we won’t. This isn’t some story where good triumphs because good triumphs. Good people are going to die. Girls. Maybe me. Probably you. Probably right now.

ANDREW Don’t… please…

BUFFY When your blood pours out, it might save the world. What do you think about that? Does it buy it all back? Are you redeemed?

ANDREW No!

BUFFY Why not?

ANDREW Because I killed him. Because I listened to Warren and I pretended that I thought it was him but I knew it wasn’t. And I killed Jonathan. And now you’re going to kill me and I’m scared and I’m going to die. And this… this is what Jonathan felt.

ANDREW It stopped.

BUFFY It didn’t want blood. It wanted tears.

ANDREW Thanks.

BUFFY Sorry I had to—

ANDREW You weren’t really going to stab me, were you?

BUFFY I wasn’t going to stab you.

ANDREW What if the tears didn’t work?

***

WOOD She got it done.

SPIKE Always has.

WOOD So far.

***

ANDREW Here’s the thing. I killed my best friend. There’s a big fight coming and I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t even think I’m going to live through it. That’s probably the way it should be. I guess I…

***

Lies My Parents Told Me

SPIKE I spent a long time trying to track you down. Don’t want the dance to end so soon, do you, Nikki? The music’s just starting, isn’t it? By the way… love the coat.

***

YOUNG ROBIN Can we go home now?

NIKKI Uh-uh. It’s not safe there anymore. How ’bout I leave you over at Crowley’s house and you can play with those spooky doodads that you like.

YOUNG ROBIN No, I want to stay with you.

NIKKI Yeah, I know you do, baby, but remember, Robin honey, what we talked about. Always got to work the mission. Look at me. You know I love you but I got a job to do. The mission is what matters… right?

***

WOOD Yeah, it’s been pretty quiet around here since you shut down that seal. You just may have stopped this thing, Buffy.

BUFFY No, it can’t be that easy.

WOOD You call that easy?

BUFFY Hey, any apocalypse I avert without dying? Yeah, those are the easy ones.

***

GILES Everything’s terrible. Total catastrophe.

BUFFY Giles, what’s wrong?

GILES Have you seen the new library? There’s nothing but computers. There’s not a book to be seen. I don’t know where to begin, Buffy. I mean, who do we speak to?

***

SPIKE Uh-huh. Right, let’s get this over with. What’re you going to do? Some hypno-beam? A disarming spell?

GILES Not exactly. The First has brainwashed you. There’s something in your subconscious that it’s using to provoke a violent reaction. So… we have to put this in your brain.

SPIKE Bugger that!

GILES The Prokaryote Stone will move within your mind to reveal the root of the trigger’s power. It can unleash ideas, images, memories. Hopefully, once you understand what it is that’s… setting you off, you can break its hold on you.

***

SPIKE Oh, bollix. With all the rubbish people keep sticking in my head, it’s a wonder that there’s room for my brain.

GILES I don’t think it takes up that much space, do you?

***

WILLIAM: Yet her smell, it doth linger, Painting pictures in my mind. Her eyes, balls of honey. Angel’s harps her laugh. Oh, lark! Grant a sign if crook’d be Cupid’s shaft. Hark, the lark! Her name it hath spake. “Cecily,” it discharges from twixt its wee beak.

ANNE Oh, William…

WILLIAM It’s just… scribbling.

ANNE Nonsense. It’s magnificent. I wonder, though. This Cecily of whom you write so often…

WILLIAM Oh.

ANNE …would that be the Underwood’s eldest girl?

WILLIAM No, no. I do not presume.

ANNE She’s lovely. You shouldn’t be alone. You need a woman in your life.

WILLIAM I have a woman in my life.

ANNE But you ne— oh…

WILLIAM Well, do not mistake me. I still have hopes that one day there will be an addition to this household but I will always look after you, mother. This, I promise.

***

ANNE (singing) Early one morning, just as the sun was shining, I heard a maid sing in the valley below. “Oh, don’t deceive me. Oh, never leave me. How could you use a poor maiden so?”

***

KENNEDY So Spike’s trigger has been active this entire time?

RONA How can Buffy take this for granted? I mean, he lives in our house. We train with him.

ANYA Don’t waste your time down that road. Spike’s got some sort of “get out of jail free” card that doesn’t apply to the rest of us. I mean, he could slaughter a hundred frat boys and— Forgiveness makes us human, blah-dee-blah-blah-blah.

ANDREW Willow, call for you from L.A. Somebody named Fred. The guy sounds kind of effeminate.

***

WILLIAM We’ll ravage this city together, my pet. Lay waste to all of Europe. The three of us will teach those snobs and elitists with their folderol just what—

DRUSILLA Three?

WILLIAM You, me and mother. We’ll open up their veins and bathe in their blood as they scream our names across— What?

DRUSILLA You… you want to bring your mum with us?

WILLIAM Well, yeah. You’ll like her.

DRUSILLA To eat, you mean?

***

ANNE Where have you been? I’ve been beside myself for days.

WILLIAM You needn’t have worried, mother. You’ll never have to worry about anything again. Something has happened. I’ve changed.

ANNE I… I don’t… who’s this woman?

DRUSILLA I’m the other that gave birth to your son.

ANNE I beg your pardon?

WILLIAM It’s true, mother. Drusilla, she has made me what I am. I am no longer bound to this mortal coil. I have become a creature of the night. A vampire.

ANNE Are you drunk?

WILLIAM A little bit. Think of it. No more sickness. No more dying. You’ll never age another day. Let me do this for you.

ANNE What are you talking about? And why are you acting so strangely?

WILLIAM It’s all right, mother. It’s only me. We’ll be together forever.

***

SPIKE So that’s it, isn’t it? Brought me here to kill me?

WOOD No, I don’t want to kill you, Spike. I want to kill the monster who took my mother away from me.

***

ANNE Oh, William, you’re so… tender.

WILLIAM Well, this is as it should be, mother. You and I together. All of London laid out before us.

ANNE Ah, yes. Us.

WILLIAM First, we’ll feast. Then the night is yours. Theatre, perhaps. Dancing? Tell me, what’s your pleasure?

ANNE Pleasure? To take my leave of you, of course. “The lark hath spake from twixt its wee beak?” You honestly thought I could bear an eternity listening to that twaddle?

***

ANNE I feel extraordinary. It’s as though I’ve been given new eyes. I see everything. Understand… everything.

WILLIAM Mother…

ANNE I hate to be cruel. No, I don’t. I used to hate to be cruel in life. Now I find it rather freeing. Nothing less will pry your greedy little fingers off my apron strings, will it?

WILLIAM Stop. Please.

ANNE Ever since the day you first slithered from me like a parasite…

WILLIAM What are you s—

ANNE Had I known better, I could have spared myself a lifetime of tedium and just— dashed your brains out when I first saw you. God, I prayed you’d find a woman to release me but you scarcely showed an interest. Who could compare to your doddering housebound mum? A captive audience for your witless prattle.

WILLIAM Whatever I was, that’s not who I am anymore.

ANNE Darling, it’s who you’ll always be. A limp, sentimental fool.

***

WOOD It hurts, don’t it? Is this what it felt like when you beat the life out of her, toyed with her, when you snapped her neck!

***

BUFFY Giles, we had this conversation when I told you that I wouldn’t sacrifice Dawn to stop Glory from destroying the world.

GILES Ah, yes, but things are different, aren’t they? After what you’ve been through, faced with the same choice now, you’d let her die.

BUFFY If I had to… to save the world. Yes.

***

ANNE You want to run, don’t you? Scamper off and cry to your new little trollop. Do you think you’ll be able to love her? Think you’ll be able to touch her without feeling me? All you ever wanted was to be back inside. You finally got your wish, didn’t you? Sank your teeth into me. An eternal kiss.

WILLIAM No. I only wanted to make you well.

ANNE You wanted your hands on me. Perhaps you’d like a chance to finish off what you started.

WILLIAM I love you. I did. Not like this.

ANNE Just like this. This is what you always wanted. Who’s my dark little prince?

***

WOOD Sorry? You think sorry’s going to make everything right?

SPIKE I wasn’t talking to you. I don’t give a piss about your mum. She was a Slayer. I was a vampire. That’s the way the game is played.

WOOD Game?

SPIKE She knew what she was signing up for.

WOOD Well, I didn’t sign up for it.

SPIKE Well, that’s the rub, isn’t it? You didn’t sign up for it

WOOD You took my childhood. You took her away. She was all I had. She was my world.

SPIKE And you weren’t hers. Doesn’t that piss you off?

WOOD Shut up! You didn’t know her.

SPIKE I know Slayers. No matter how many people they’ve got around them, they fight alone. Life of the Chosen One. The rest of us be damned. Your mother was no different.

WOOD No, she loved me.

SPIKE But not enough to quit, though, was it? Not enough to walk away for you. I’ll tell you a story about a mother and son. See, like you, I loved my mother. So much so I turned her into a vampire so we could be together forever. She said some nasty bits to me after I did that. Been weighing on me for quite some time. But you helped me figure something out. You see, unlike you, I had a mother who loved me back. When I sired her, I set loose a demon and it tore into me but it was the demon talking, not her. I realize that now. My mother loved me with all her heart. I was her world. That’s a nice little song you got there. Thanks, doc. You cured me after all. I got my own free will now. I’m not under The First’s or anyone else’s influences now. I just wanted you to know that… before I kill you.

***

GILES Spike’s a liability, Buffy. He refuses to see it and so do you. Angel left here because he realized how harmful your relationship with him was. Spike, on the other hand, lacks such self-awareness.

BUFFY Spike is here because I want him here. We need him. I’m in the fight of my life.

RICHARD Really?

BUFFY Not you, Richard.

GILES You want Spike here even after what he’s done to you in the past?

BUFFY It’s different now. He has a soul.

GILES And The First is exploiting that to its advantage.

BUFFY Oh, my god. You’re stalling me. You’re keeping me away—

GILES It’s time to stop playing the role of general and start being one. This is the way wars are won!

***

BUFFY Spike? What happened? Oh, my god.

SPIKE I gave him a pass— let him live— on account of the fact I killed his mother. But that’s all he gets. He even so much as looks at me funny again, I’ll kill him.

***

BUFFY I lost my mom a couple years ago. I came home and found her dead on the couch.

WOOD I’m sorry.

BUFFY I understand what you tried to do but she’s dead.

WOOD Because he murdered her.

BUFFY I’m preparing to fight a war and you’re looking for revenge on a man that doesn’t exist anymore.

WOOD Buffy, don’t delude yourself. That man still exists.

BUFFY Spike is the strongest warrior we have. We are going to need him if we’re going to come out of this thing alive. You try anything again, he’ll kill you. More importantly, I’ll let him. I have a mission to win this war, to save the world. I don’t have time for vendettas. The mission is what matters.

***

GILES Buffy… I understand your anger. Please believe me, we did what we—

BUFFY He’s alive. Spike’s alive. Wood failed.

GILES Well, that doesn’t change anything. What I told you is still true. You need to learn—

BUFFY No, I think you’ve taught me everything I need to know.

***

Dirty Girls

WILLOW Are you okay? Can you hear me? Can you talk? (to Faith) This girl’s bleeding badly. We have to get her to the hospital.

FAITH (to herself) Yep. Guess I’m back in Sunnydale.

***

FAITH Something’s killing girls all over world, trying to end the Slayer line… thing like that, I figure I might get a heads-up.

WILLOW Faith…

FAITH I guess it doesn’t really matter. As long as you got the true Slayer intact.

WILLOW You were in prison. We figured you were safe there.

FAITH Yeah, that’s prison. Safe as a kitten.

***

SPIKE Nice punch you got there. Let me guess. Leather pants, nice right cross, doe eyes, holier-than-thou glower… you must be Faith.

FAITH Oh, goody. I’m famous.

SPIKE Was told you were coming. Bit of a misunderstanding here. I’m—

FAITH Spike. Yeah, we’ve met before.

SPIKE We have? I don’t think we— Bloody hell! What are you doing? I’m on your side.

FAITH Yeah? Maybe you haven’t heard. I’ve reformed.

SPIKE So have I. I reformed way before you did. Stop… hitting… me! We’re on the same side.

FAITH Please. Do you think I’m stupid?

SPIKE Well… yeah.

FAITH You were attacking that girl.

BUFFY Sorry, Faith. I didn’t realize that was you.

FAITH It’s all right, B. Luckily, you still punch like you used to.

BUFFY (To Spike) You okay?

SPIKE Yeah, terrific.

FAITH You’re protecting vampires? Are you the bad Slayer now? Am I the good Slayer now?

BUFFY He’s with me. He has a soul.

FAITH What? He’s like Angel?

SPIKE No!

BUFFY Sort of.

SPIKE I’m nothing like Angel.

BUFFY He fights on my side… which is more than I can say for some of us.

FAITH Yeah, well, if he’s so good, what’s he doing chasing down defenseless—

BUFFY That’s one of the bad guys.

FAITH You should make ’em wear signs.

SPIKE Angel’s dull as a table lamp and we have very different coloring.

***

SPIKE Not all that tension was about you. Giles was part of a plan to kill me… for Buffy’s own good.

FAITH Well, that makes me feel better about me… worse about Giles… kinda shaky about you.

***

FAITH I’ve met you before, you know.

SPIKE Yeah, you made a great impression on my chin.

FAITH Not in the graveyard. Before that. I was kinda wearing a different body.

SPIKE Pity.

FAITH You seemed okay with it.

SPIKE The body swap with Buffy.

FAITH She fill you in on that whole deal?

SPIKE She told me it went down. Failed to mention who was driving her skin around.

FAITH I might have said a few things.

SPIKE Like you could ride me at a gallop till my knees buckled. Squeeze me till I popped like warm champagne. That’s not the kind of thing a man forgets.

FAITH Should’ve known it wasn’t blondie behind the wheel. She’d never throw down like that.

SPIKE Oh, you have been away.

FAITH Don’t even tell me little miss tightly-wound’s been getting her naughty on?

SPIKE Not of late.

FAITH Wow. Everybody’s just full of surprises.

***

GILES And you’re certain this is the best course of action? You don’t even know what this man has of yours— if he, in fact, has anything.

BUFFY It could be a girl, a potential trying to get to us.

GILES It could be a stapler.

***

RONA You people are even crazier than her.

XANDER Than who?

RONA Buffy, man! I mean, taking us right into the bad guys’ lair?

XANDER Well, that’s where, generally speaking, you go to find the bad guy. And I don’t think you came here to fight plaque.

RONA No, I came here for protection.

XANDER Well, you signed on to fight with—

RONA Look, I know but… this plan is trouble. Buffy doesn’t care how many of us she puts in danger.

XANDER Let me tell you something about Buffy. In fact, you should all listen to this.

KENNEDY We kinda were.

XANDER I’ve been through more battles with Buffy than you all can ever imagine. She’s stopped everything that’s ever come up against her. She’s laid down her life, literally, to protect the people around her. This girl has died two times and she’s still standing. You’re scared, that’s smart. You’ve got questions, you should. But if you doubt her motives— you think Buffy’s all about the kill— and you take the little bus to battle. I’ve seen her heart— and this time not literally— and I’m telling you right now she cares more about your lives than you will ever know. You gotta trust her. She’s earned it.

FAITH (to Buffy) Damn. I never knew you were that cool.

BUFFY Well, you always were a little slow.

***

CALEB Well, now! You girls are just burnin’ with righteousness, aren’t you? Problem is you think you’re blazin’ like suns when really you’re burnin’ like matchsticks in the face of the darkness. You havin’ fun? Now I hope my boys haven’t worn you out too much. I need you fit for when I purify you.

BUFFY Save the sermon, padre. I heard you have something of mine.

CALEB Well, I do now.

***

CALEB Now it’s a simple story. Stop me if you’ve heard it. I have found and truly believe that there’s nothing so bad it cannot be made better with a story. And this one’s got a happy ending. There once was a woman and she was foul, like all women. For Adam’s rib was dirty, just like Adam himself, for what was he but human? But this woman, she was filled with darkness, despair… and why? Because she did not know. She could not see. She didn’t know the good news, the glory that was coming. (To FE/Buffy) That’d be you. For the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory are yours. Now and forever. You show up, they’ll get in line… because they followed her and all they have to do is take one more step and I’ll kill them all. See? I told you it had a happy ending.

***

Empty Places

CLEM Can you believe this mishegaas?

BUFFY Yeah. You’d think these people had never seen an apocalypse before. What about you? Just going for a quick spin to 7-Eleven… in Nebraska?

CLEM It’s getting bad here. Really bad. Hellmouth acting up again, people feeling it, getting crazier. You can’t swing a cat without hitting some kind of demonic activity. Not that I swing cats… or eat. Nope. Cuttin’ way back. Cholesterol. Morals! I mean, morals.

***

AMANDA Do you think there are going to be questions about her sex life on the test? ’Cause I really hope I don’t have to study all that.

FAITH Yeah, whenever she starts talking about getting all sweaty with Xander like that I just remind her I had him first. Shuts her right the hell up.

***

CALEB Wouldn’t do that were I you, sweet pea. Fightin’ back didn’t do you much good last time, did it? And how is poor, sweet Xander? Let him know he’s in my prayers and any time he’s willin’, I’m ready to finish the job.

BUFFY Go near Xander again and I will end you.

CALEB Mind your manners. I do believe I did warn you once. You’re angry, frustrated, scared… I like that in a girl. You really should relax a little. Look at where you are. History’s going to look back at you, at me, at this place, and they’re going to see the glory. Great things are happenin’ now, right here. This school, the seal… it’s all going to be a part of the great sweepin’ tide of change and you’re going to be a part of it. Now why would you want to miss that? More importantly, why would you want to get in its way?

BUFFY I guess I’m just ornery.

***

SPIKE What’s up, Rupert?

GILES Spike, I have a mission for you.

SPIKE Oh, really? ’Cause, you know, sometimes our missions end up with you trying to kill me. I’m not fond of those.

***

GILES Buffy. Are you hurt?

BUFFY Oh, Caleb came back looking for seconds.

GILES My god, is he—

BUFFY Still able to make me see cartoon birdies all around my head? You betcha. The short lack of consciousness was nice. I feel rested. So how did those police files work out? Were they helpful?

GILES Yes. Very much so, I think. There’s evidence that Caleb may have established a foothold up north.

BUFFY That’s great. That’s—

GILES I sent Spike to look into it.

BUFFY Spike? Is this a mission from which you intend Spike to return alive?

GILES Yes. I sent Andrew with him.

BUFFY Again, I ask the question.

GILES Buffy, you weren’t here. Decisions have to be made in your absence.

BUFFY Yeah, well, those are the ones that have been scaring me.

GILES I did what I thought was right.

BUFFY You sent away the one person that’s been watching my back… again.

GILES We’re all watching your back.

BUFFY Funny, that’s not really what it feels like.

***

CALEB You know what I figured out tonight? Every high school in this country from one end to the other smells exactly alike. Now why do you suppose that is?

THE FIRST/BUFFY And how was our best girl?

CALEB They always think they should put up a fight.

THE FIRST/BUFFY Did you lay the proper groundwork?

CALEB That I did. Reckon she got the message even if she doesn’t know it yet. So now the big strong Slayer goes back to those girls… she’s just so ready to walk them right into it. And all we have to do is give her that one final gentle nudge.

***

ANDREW You sure you don’t want to stop and pick up some burgers or something? You know, road-trip food?

SPIKE It’s not a road trip. It’s a covert operation.

ANDREW Right. Right. Gotcha. I bet even covert operatives eat curly fries. They’re really good.

SPIKE Not as good as those onion blossom things.

ANDREW Oh, I love those.

SPIKE Yeah, me, too.

ANDREW It’s an onion and it’s a flower. I don’t understand how such a thing is possible.

SPIKE See, the genius of it is you soak it in ice water for an hour so it holds its shape. Then you deep-fry it root-side up for about 5 minutes.

ANDREW Masterful.

SPIKE Yeah. Tell anyone we had this conversation, I’ll bite you.

ANDREW Right.

***

SPIKE (translates) “It is not for thee. It is for her alone to wield.”

***

BUFFY Look, I know what you’re thinking but I had a visit at the school today from Caleb.

DAWN Buffy, why didn’t you—

BUFFY I’m fine. I mean, it wasn’t fun but I’m fine. I’m better than fine. I figured something out. He kept making all this noise about the school.

WOOD Is it that seal again?

WILLOW Do we need to try shutting it again?

BUFFY No, that’s just it. We’ve spent all this time worrying about the seal and the Hellmouth. Why isn’t Caleb guarding them? Why doesn’t he have someone there protecting it? Why is he camped out at the vineyard? The bad guys always go where the power is. So if the seal was so important to Caleb and The First, they would be there right now. They’re protecting the vineyard or something at the vineyard. I say it’s their power and I say it’s time we go in and take it away from them.

FAITH Or, in the alternative, how about we don’t? I mean, it’s a neat theory, B, but I’m not going back in that place, not without proof, and neither should you and neither should they.

BUFFY I’m not saying it’s going to be easy.

WOOD I think Faith had the floor.

FAITH Maybe it ends okay the way you want to play it but maybe it doesn’t and right now, I don’t think I want you playing the odds.

BUFFY Did you come here to fight?

FAITH Listen, we’re fighters, all of us, but you gotta give me something to fight. Something real, not—

GILES Windmills.

BUFFY There is something there.

GILES Maybe… but we can’t be sure of that. This is a hell of a lot to ask.

WOOD Too much.

BUFFY I don’t understand this. For seven years I’ve kept us safe by doing this— exactly this— making the hard decisions. And now what? Suddenly you’re all acting like you can’t trust me?

GILES Didn’t you say to me today you can’t trust us? Maybe there’s something there that should be addressed.

BUFFY Is that why you sent Spike away? To ambush me?

GILES Oh, come on.

RONA You know what? I am sick of your deal with this Spike guy. This isn’t about him. This is about you. You’re being reckless.

BUFFY What?

RONA You are. I don’t even know you and I can tell. You are so obsessed with beating Caleb, you are willing to jump into any plan without thinking.

BUFFY That’s not what I’m doing.

KENNEDY Well, that’s how it feels to us. People are dying.

WILLOW Kennedy…

KENNEDY Why are you always standing up for her?

WILLOW I’m not.

BUFFY What do you mean, you’re not?

WILLOW With everything that’s happened… I’m worried about your judgment.

BUFFY Look, I wish this could be a democracy. I really do. Democracies don’t win battles. It’s a hard truth but there has to be a single voice. You need someone to issue orders and be reckless sometimes and not take your feelings into account. You need someone to lead you.

ANYA And it’s automatically you. You really do think you’re better than we are.

BUFFY No, I—

ANYA But we don’t know. We don’t know if you’re actually better. I mean, you came into the world with certain advantages, sure. I mean, that’s the legacy. But you didn’t earn it. You didn’t work for it. You’ve never had anybody come up to you and say you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn’t make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us.

BUFFY I’ve gotten us this far.

XANDER But not without a price.

BUFFY Xander—

XANDER I’m trying to see your point here, Buff… but I guess it must be a little bit to my left because I just don’t.

BUFFY Look, I’m willing to talk strategy, okay, I’ll hear suggestions on how to break this down but this is the plan. We have to be together on this or we will fail again.

GILES We are clearly demonstrating that we are not together on this.

BUFFY Which is why you have to fall in line! I’m still in charge here.

RONA Why is that, exactly?

BUFFY Because I’m the Slayer.

RONA And isn’t Faith a Slayer, too?

FAITH What? Whoa… so not what I meant. I’m not “in charge” chick. I think B here just needs to chill out for a little bit, take a siesta or something. But I’m not the one you want.

KENNEDY Maybe we need a vote… to see who wants Faith to have a turn in charge.

BUFFY No.

KENNEDY No what?

BUFFY No. You don’t get to vote until I’ve had my chance to pal around. You know, get everybody drunk. See, I didn’t get that this was a popularity contest. I should have equal time to bake them cookies, braid their hair—

FAITH Learn their names?

BUFFY You’re just loving this, aren’t you?

FAITH You have no idea what I’m feeling.

BUFFY Come in here, take everything that I have. You did it before. Did you tell them that? Did you tell them how you used to kill people for fun? Hey, you guys think that’s nifty?

GILES Buffy, that’s enough!

FAITH I didn’t come here to take anything away from you but I’m not going to be your little lapdog, either. I came here to beat the other guy, to do right, however it works. I don’t know if I can lead but the real question is… can you follow?

WOOD So we vote.

BUFFY Wait. Guys… I can’t watch you just throw away everything. I know I’m right about this. I just need a little… I can’t stay here and watch her lead you into some disaster.

DAWN Then you can’t stay here. Buffy, I love you but you were right. We have to be together on this. You can’t be a part of it… so I need you to leave. I’m sorry but this is my house, too.

***

FAITH Hey. Look, I swear I didn’t want it to go this way—

BUFFY Don’t.

FAITH I mean it, I—

BUFFY Don’t be afraid to lead them. Whether you wanted it or not, their lives are yours. It’s only going to get harder. Protect them. Lead them.

***

Touched

KENNEDY All I’m saying is that now that Buffy’s not here, we finally have some say in how and when we lose our necks.

WOOD Maybe you don’t have to be so blunt about the losing of the necks bit.

ANYA Let the girl speak the truth. We’re all on death’s door, repeatedly ringing the doorbell, like maniacal Girl Scouts trying to make quota.

***

BUFFY I thought the place would be empty. I was looking for a place to crash. You know, you really should leave.

MAN You can’t just kick me out of my own house.

BUFFY Why not? It’s what all the cool kids are doing nowadays. It’s not your house. It’s not your town. Not anymore. Got any Tab?

***

ANDREW I spy with my little eye something that begins with a T.

SPIKE Tapestry.

SPIKE sits slumped against the wall, bored out of his mind.

ANDREW Hey, good one. How did you—

SPIKE Tapestry’s the only thing in the whole bloody room.

ANDREW Ah. So say you but I say, look deeper.

SPIKE I’ll look deep into your jugular, is what I’ll look at.

ANDREW Don’t spaz out.

SPIKE I’m not— don’t say another word.

ANDREW Rock/paper/scissors?

SPIKE What’s the matter with you? Don’t you understand what’s happening?

ANDREW Yeah. We’re waiting here till it’s night again so you can ride on your motorcycle without exploding.

SPIKE And every minute we’re stuck here, the Slayer’s out there facing hell knows what.

***

WILLOW While you were gone, we all got together and talked out some disagreements that we were having and eventually, after much discussion, Buffy decided that it would be best for all of us if she took a little time off. A little breather.

SPIKE Uh-huh. I see. Been practicing that little speech long, have you? So Buffy took some time off right in the middle of the apocalypse and it was her decision?

XANDER Well, we all decided.

SPIKE Oh, yeah, you all decided. You sad, sad, ungrateful traitors. Who do you think you are?

WILLOW We’re her friends. We just want—

SPIKE Oh, that’s ballsy of you. You’re her friends and you betray her like this?

GILES You don’t understand.

SPIKE You know, I think I do. Rupert. You used to be the big man, didn’t you? The teacher, all full of wisdom. Now she’s surpassed you and you can’t handle it. She has saved your lives again and again. She has died for you. And this is how you thank her?

FAITH Hey, why don’t you take it down a notch or two? The time for speech-giving is over, bad boy.

SPIKE Oh, is that right?

FAITH Yeah, that’s right. Save your lack of breath.

SPIKE All right.

FAITH You’re pretty sweet on her, aren’t you? I think it’s cute… the way she’s got you whipped.

GILES Enough!

SPIKE Finally got what you wanted, didn’t you? Where is she?

FAITH I don’t know.

***

ANDREW/BRINGER I am only a fragment of the We. We work as one to serve The First.

WILLOW Okay, what do you— the We— do for The First?

ANDREW/BRINGER We work to prepare for the inevitable battle.

KENNEDY How? Tell me exactly what the Bringers are doing.

GILES Kennedy, he can’t see the knife.

ANDREW/BRINGER We can feel the knife.

GILES Kennedy?

ANDREW/BRINGER We attend to the needs of the infinite evil. We exterminate girls and destroy the legacy of the Slayer. We build an arsenal beneath the dirt. We obey the commands of our teacher, Caleb.

XANDER Wait, could we go back to the dirt thing?

ANDREW/BRINGER We build weapons to prepare for the coming war. At the farthest edge of town. We are everywhere. We are like the ocean’s waves. We watch your efforts and are not scared. We will laugh at you as you die.

ANDREW What the bananas! You are so lucky that you did not just magickally decapitate me!

GILES We’ve got enough here. We need to get Faith in on this. Xander, gather some maps. We need to find a subterranean space large enough to house an armory.

ANDREW I feel used and violated… and I need a lozenge.

***

SPIKE There you are. Do you realize I could just walk in here, no invite needed? This town really is theirs now, isn’t it? I heard. I was over there. That bitch. She’s all about smiles and reformation when you’re on your feet. And the moment you’re down? She’s all about the kicking, isn’t that right? Makes me want to—

BUFFY It wasn’t just Faith. It was all of them and it’s not like they were wrong. Please leave.

SPIKE No, this’ll change your tune. I came here ’cause I got something to tell you. You were right. Caleb is trying to protect something from you and I think you were spot on all the way. I think it’s at the vineyard. So? You were right. Buffy?

BUFFY I don’t feel very right.

SPIKE You’re not fooling me.

BUFFY What do you even mean?

SPIKE Well, you’re not a quitter.

BUFFY Watch me.

SPIKE You were their leader and you still are. This isn’t something you gave up. It’s something they took.

BUFFY And the difference is?

SPIKE We can take it back.

***

SPIKE Say the word and she’s a footnote in history. I’ll make it look like a painful accident.

BUFFY That’s my problem. I say the word, some girl dies. Every time.

SPIKE There’s always casualties in a war.

BUFFY Casualties… it just sounds so casual. These are girls. That I got killed. I cut myself off from them, all of them. I knew I was going to lose some of them and I didn’t… You know what? I’m still making excuses. I’ve always cut myself off, I’ve always… being the Slayer made me different but it’s my fault I stayed that way. People are always trying to connect to me but I just… slip away. You should know.

SPIKE I seem to recall a certain amount of connecting.

BUFFY Oh, please. We were never close. You just wanted me because I was unattainable.

SPIKE You think that’s all that was?

BUFFY Please, let’s not go over the past.

SPIKE Oh, no. Hold on here. I’ve hummed along to your pity ditty and I think I should have the mike for a bit.

BUFFY Fine. The stage is yours. Cheer me up.

SPIKE You’re insufferable.

BUFFY Thank you. That really helped.

SPIKE I’m not trying to cheer you up.

BUFFY Then what are you trying to say?

SPIKE I don’t know! I’ll know when I’m done saying it. Something pissed me off and I just… unattainable! That’s it.

BUFFY Fine. I’m attainable. I’m an attain-athon. Can I please just go to sleep?

SPIKE You listen to me. I’ve been alive a bit longer than you and dead a lot longer than that. I’ve seen things you couldn’t imagine and done things I’d prefer you didn’t. I don’t exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood which doesn’t exactly rush in the direction of my brain so I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred plus years and there’s only one thing I’ve ever been sure of. You. Hey, look at me. I’m not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it’s not because I want you, or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You are a hell of a woman. You’re the one, Buffy.

BUFFY I don’t want to be the one.

SPIKE I don’t want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear. You get some rest now. I’ll check in before first light. You can decide how you want—

BUFFY Spike? Could you stay here?

SPIKE Sure. That diabolical torture device, the comfy chair. Do me fine.

BUFFY No. I mean… here. Will you just hold me?

***

ANYA They could have a little respect, you know. I mean, they should at least acknowledge the fact that some people might not want to listen to an a cappella concert of people moaning and groaning. It’s disgusting is what it is.

XANDER A little jealous, huh?

ANYA Of course I am! I’m a lot jealous. I mean, if we’re done having sex, then I think other people should just knock it off.

***

THE FIRST/BUFFY I envy them. Isn’t that the strangest thing?

CALEB Well, it does throw me a tad. I mean, they’re just… well, they’re barely more than animals, feedin’ off each other’s flesh. It’s nauseatin’. But you… you’re everywhere. You’re in the hearts of little children, you’re in the souls of the rich, you’re the fire that makes people kill and hate. The fire that will cure the world of weakness. They’re just sinners. You are sin.

THE FIRST/BUFFY I do enjoy your sermons.

CALEB And you’re in me. Gave me strength no man can have.

THE FIRST/BUFFY You’re the only man strong enough to be my vessel. And I know you feel me but… I know why they grab at each other. To feel. I want to feel. I want to wrap my hands around an innocent neck and feel it crack.

CALEB Amen.

***

CALEB You whore.

BUFFY You know, you really should watch your language. If someone didn’t know you, they might think you were a woman-hating prick.

***

End of Days

AMANDA I think we got punished.

BUFFY What?

KENNEDY We… we followed her. And it was—

VI It didn’t work out.

BUFFY You guys, it was a trap. It’s not her fault. That could have just as easily happened to me.

CARIDAD So are you… are you like back?

BUFFY I don’t know. I guess I’m not leaving.

KENNEDY So we got a plan now or anything?

BUFFY Yeah, there’s a plan. Get ready. Times up.

AMANDA I still think we got punished.

***

XANDER I just always thought that I would… that I would be there with you, you know, for the end.

BUFFY Hey!

XANDER Not that this is the end!

BUFFY Thanks a lot.

XANDER No, no, no… by “the end” I meant in a heroic, uplifting way. See I’m still optimistic. You’re just thrown off a little by this gritty-looking eye patch.

BUFFY I know what you meant.

XANDER I should be at your side. That’s all I’m saying.

BUFFY You will be. You’re my strength, Xander. You’re the reason I’ve made it this far. I trust you with my life. That’s why I need you to do this for me.

XANDER Okay.

BUFFY Also, you can’t shoot a bow and arrow anymore and every time you pick up a sword, I worry that you’re going to break one of our good lamps.

XANDER Hey!

BUFFY Don’t look at me. You’re the one who said I’m gonna die.

XANDER I never said that you were going to die. I implied that you were going to die. It’s totally different.

BUFFY Yeah, okay. Sure.

XANDER Besides, if you die, I’ll just bring you back to life. That’s what I do.

***

THE FIRST/BUFFY Face it. Your strength is waning. It has been quite some time since we… merged.

CALEB Maybe you’re right. Okay. Let’s do it.

THE FIRST/BUFFY Boy, you sure know how to romance a girl. No flowers, no dinner, no tour of the rectory. Just “Okay, I’m ready. Let’s do it.” Help me. My knees are weak.

CALEB Watch what you say now. You’re startin’ to sound like her. This is a sacred experience for me.

THE FIRST/BUFFY And for me as well. Look, when this is all over and our armies spring forth and our will sweeps the world, I will be able to enter every man, woman and child on this earth, just as I enter you.

CALEB Are you tryin’ to make me jealous?

THE FIRST/BUFFY I’m trying to make you a god.

***

FAITH It’s old… it’s strong and it feels like… like it’s mine. I guess that means it’s yours.

BUFFY It belongs to the Slayer.

FAITH Slayer in charge… which I’m guessing is you.

BUFFY I honestly don’t know. Does it matter?

FAITH It never mattered to me. Somebody has to lead. Let’s vote for Chao-ahn. It’s harder to lead people into a deathtrap if you don’t speak English.

BUFFY It wasn’t your fault.

FAITH I’m really not looking for forgiveness.

BUFFY You’re not?

FAITH What do you want me to say? I blew it.

BUFFY You didn’t blow it.

FAITH Tell that to—

BUFFY People die. You lead them into battle, they’re going to die. It doesn’t matter how ready you are or how smart you are… war is about death. Needless, stupid death.

FAITH So here’s the laugh riot. My whole life I’ve been a loner.

BUFFY Is that the funny part? Did I miss something?

FAITH I’m trying to—

BUFFY Sorry! Sorry. Go.

FAITH No ties, no buddies, no relationships that lasted longer than… well, Robin lasted pretty long. Boy’s got stamina.

BUFFY Principal Wood? And you? And in my—

FAITH Don’t tell me you two got wriggly?

BUFFY No! No, we’re just good friends… or mortal enemies depending on which day of the… Was that the funny part?

FAITH Okay, the point. Me, by myself, all the time. I’m looking at you, everything you have and, I don’t know… jealous. Then there I am, everybody’s looking to me, trusting me to lead them and I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life.

BUFFY Yeah.

FAITH And that’s you, every day. Isn’t it?

BUFFY I love my friends. I’m very grateful for them. But that’s the price of being a Slayer.

FAITH There’s only supposed to be one. Maybe that’s why you and I can never get along. We’re not supposed to exist together.

BUFFY Also, you went evil and were killing people.

FAITH Good point. Also a factor.

BUFFY But you’re right. I mean, I guess everyone’s alone but being a Slayer? There’s a burden we can’t share.

FAITH And no one else can feel it. Thank god we’re hot chicks with superpowers.

BUFFY Takes the edge off.

FAITH Comforting.

BUFFY Mm-hmm.

***

SPIKE Honey, you’re home.

BUFFY Yeah.

SPIKE And you did it. Fulfilled your mission, found the Holy Grail… or the holy hand grenade or whatever the hell that is.

BUFFY Right now we’re going with scythe. You like?

SPIKE Well, pointy and wooden is not exactly a look I want to know better but it does have flair. I can see why a girl would ditch a fella for one of these.

BUFFY I’m sorry about that.

SPIKE It doesn’t matter. You’re back in the bosom. All’s forgiven. And last night? It was just a glitch. A bit of cold comfort from the cellar dweller. Let’s don’t make a thing of it.

BUFFY Great. I have work to do.

SPIKE Oh, yeah. Another solo mission, of course.

BUFFY Yeah, it is.

SPIKE That’s fine. You don’t have to get shirty about it.

BUFFY I’m not shirty. And what is shirty? That’s not even a word.

SPIKE All right, all right. Big secret mission. It’s fine.

BUFFY It’s not a secret. Well, I mean, it is but that’s the point of the mission. Find out the secret. This thing was forged by… I don’t even know. I mean, something about a tomb on unconsecrated ground. That’s what I have to do. I need to find out what this is and why I have it.

SPIKE And that’s the thing the preacher man was so anxious to keep out of your mitts?

BUFFY That it is.

SPIKE Well, maybe I’ll swing by the vineyard when you go, make sure he’s sitting tight.

BUFFY Great.

SPIKE Okay.

BUFFY You’re a dope!

SPIKE I’m a what?

BUFFY You’re a dope and a bonehead and you’re shirty!

SPIKE Have you gone completely Carrot-Top?

BUFFY Do you see this? This may actually help me fight my war. This might be the key to everything. And the reason I’m holding it is because of you. Because of the strength that you gave me last night. I am tired of defensiveness and weird mixed signals. You know what? I have Faith for that. Let’s just get to the truth here, okay? I don’t know how you felt about last night but I will not—

SPIKE Terrified.

BUFFY Of what?

SPIKE Last night was… God, I’m such a jerk. I can’t do this.

BUFFY Spike…

SPIKE It was the best night of my life. If you poke fun at me, you bloody well better use that ’cause I couldn’t bear it. It may not mean that much to you but—

BUFFY I just told you it did.

SPIKE Yeah, I hear you say it but… I’ve lived for soddin’ ever, Buffy. I’ve done everything. I’ve done things with you I can’t spell… but I’ve never been close… to anyone. Least of all you. Until last night. All I did was hold you, watch you sleep… and it was the best night of my life. So yeah, I’m terrified.

BUFFY You don’t have to be.

SPIKE Were you there with me?

BUFFY I was.

SPIKE What does that mean?

BUFFY I don’t know. Does it have to mean something?

SPIKE No, not right now.

BUFFY Maybe when…

SPIKE No, let’s just leave it

BUFFY Okay.

SPIKE We’ll go be heroes.

***

ANDREW It’s going to be bad, isn’t it?

ANYA Yeah.

ANDREW So how come you’re here? I mean, you could just go, right?

ANYA Yeah. I did once before.

ANDREW Before what?

ANYA Well, there was this other apocalypse this one time and… well, I took off. But this time, I don’t know…

ANDREW Well, what’s different?

ANYA Well, I guess I was kinda new to being around humans before. But now I’ve seen a lot more, gotten to know people, seen what they’re capable of and… I guess I just realized how amazingly screwed up they all are. I mean, really, really screwed up in a monumental fashion.

ANDREW Oh.

ANYA And they have no purpose that unites them so they just drift around blundering through life until they die… which they know is coming yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They’re incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane… and yet here’s the thing. When it’s something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they’re lame morons for fighting but they do. They never… they never quit. So I guess I will keep fighting, too.

ANDREW That was kind of beautiful. You love humans.

ANYA I do not!

ANDREW Yes, you do. (sing-song) You love them…

ANYA Stop it! I don’t love them and I’ll kill you if you tell anybody.

ANDREW I won’t tell anybody. I won’t get a chance to, anyway.

ANYA I don’t know, you might survive.

ANDREW No, you might survive. You know how to handle a weapon and you’ve been in this world for like a thousand years. I’m not so… I don’t think I’ll be okay. I’m cool with it. I think I’d like to finish out as one of those lame humans trying to do what’s right.

ANYA Yeah.

ANDREW So… wheelchair fight?

***

GUARDIAN Forged there, it was put to use right here… to kill the last pure demon that walked upon the earth. The rest were already driven under. And then there were men here, and then there were monks. And then there was a town… and now there is you. And the scythe remained hidden.

BUFFY I don’t understand. How is it possible that we didn’t know any of this?

GUARDIAN We hid, too. We had to until now. We’re the last surprise.

BUFFY Does this mean I can win?

GUARDIAN That is really up to you. This is a powerful weapon.

BUFFY Yeah.

GUARDIAN But you already have weapons. Use it wisely and perhaps you can beat back the rising dark. One way or another, it can only mean an end is truly near.

CALEB I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that last part on account of her neck snappin’ and all. Did she say the end is near… or here?

***

Chosen

ANGEL Well, I guess that qualifies as happy to see me.

BUFFY Angel, what are you doing h— don’t even. I just want to bask. Okay, I’m basked. What are you doing here?

ANGEL Not saving the damsel in distress, that’s for sure.

BUFFY Oh, you know me. Not much with the damseling.

***

ANGEL I don’t know everything. It’s very powerful and probably very dangerous. It has a purifying power… cleansing power… possibly scrubbing bubbles. The translation is… anyway, it bestows strength to the right person who wears it.

BUFFY And the right person is?

ANGEL Someone ensouled but stronger than human. A champion. As in me.

BUFFY Or me.

ANGEL No. I don’t know nearly enough about this to risk you wearing it. Besides, you’ve got that real cool axe-thing going for you.

BUFFY So you’re going to be with me in this?

ANGEL Shoulder-to-shoulder. I’m yours.

BUFFY No.

ANGEL No what?

BUFFY No. You’re not going to be in this fight.

ANGEL Why the hell not?

BUFFY Because I can’t risk you.

ANGEL You need me in this.

BUFFY No, I need you gone.

ANGEL Why?

BUFFY If I lose— if this thing gets past Sunnydale— then it’s days, maybe hours, before the rest of the world goes. I need a second front and I need you to run it.

ANGEL Okay. That’s one reason. What’s the other?

BUFFY There is no other.

ANGEL Is it Spike? You’re not telling me something and his scent… I remember it pretty well.

BUFFY You vampires. Didn’t anybody ever tell you the whole “smelling people” thing’s a little gross?

ANGEL Is he your boyfriend?

BUFFY Is that your business?

ANGEL Are you in love with him? Okay, maybe I’m out of line but this is kind of a curve ball for me. I mean, we are talking about Spike here.

BUFFY It’s different. He’s different. He has a soul now.

ANGEL Oh. Well.

BUFFY What?

ANGEL That’s great. Everyone’s got a soul now.

BUFFY He’ll make a difference.

ANGEL You know, I started it. The whole having a soul. Before it was all the cool new thing.

BUFFY Oh, my god, are you twelve?

ANGEL I’m getting the brush-off for Captain Peroxide. It doesn’t necessarily bring out the champion in me.

BUFFY You’re not getting the brush-off. Are you just going to come here and go all Dawson on me every time I have a boyfriend?

ANGEL Aha! Boyfriend.

BUFFY He’s not. But… he is in my heart.

ANGEL That’ll end well.

BUFFY What was the highlight of our relationship— when you broke up with me or when I killed you? I’m well aware of my stellar history with guys and no, I don’t see fat grandchildren in the offing with Spike. But I don’t think that really matters right now. You know, in the midst of all this insanity, a couple of things are actually starting to make sense. And the guy thing… I always feared there was something wrong with me. You know, because I couldn’t make it work. But maybe I’m not supposed to.

ANGEL Because you’re the Slayer.

BUFFY Because… okay. I’m cookie dough. I’m not done baking. I’m not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I’m going to turn out to be. I make it through this and the next thing and the next thing and maybe one day I turn around and realize I’m ready. I’m cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m— or enjoy warm, delicious cookie-me, then that’s fine. That’ll be then. When I’m done.

ANGEL Any thoughts on who might enjoy… do I have to go with the cookie analogy?

BUFFY I’m not really thinking that far ahead. That’s kinda the point.

ANGEL I’ll go start working on the second front. Make sure I don’t have to use it.

BUFFY Angel. I do… sometimes think that far ahead.

ANGEL Sometimes is something.

BUFFY It’ll be a long time coming. Years, if ever.

ANGEL I ain’t getting any older…

***

XANDER Hey, party in my eye socket and everyone’s invited! Sometimes I shouldn’t say words.

***

SPIKE So… where’s tall, dark and forehead?

BUFFY Let me guess. You can smell him.

SPIKE Yeah, that and I also used my enhanced vampire eyeballs to watch you kissing him.

BUFFY It was… a hello.

SPIKE Most people don’t use their tongues to say hello. Or I guess they do but—

BUFFY There were no tongues. Besides, he’s gone.

SPIKE Oh, just popped by for a quickie, then?

BUFFY Good, good! I haven’t had quite enough jealous vampire crap for one night.

SPIKE He wears lifts, you know.

BUFFY You know, one of these days I’m just going to put you two in a room and let you wrastle it out.

SPIKE No problem at this end.

BUFFY There could be oil of some kind involved…

SPIKE Where’s the trinket?

BUFFY The who-ket?

SPIKE The pretty necklace your sweetie-bear gave you. The one with all the power. I believe it’s mine now.

BUFFY How do you figure?

SPIKE Someone with a soul but more than human? Angel meant to wear it. That means I’m the qualified party.

BUFFY It’s volatile. We don’t know—

SPIKE You’ll be needing someone strong to bear it, then. You plan on giving it to Andrew?

BUFFY Angel said the amulet was meant to be worn by a champion.

SPIKE Been called a lot of things in my time.

BUFFY Faith still has my room…

SPIKE Well, you’re not staying here! You can’t buy me off with shiny beads and sweet talk. You’ve got Angel-breath. I’m not going to just let you whack me back and forth like a rubber ball. I got my pride, you know.

BUFFY I understand.

SPIKE Clearly you don’t, ’cause the whole “having my pride” thing was just a smokescreen.

BUFFY Oh, thank god.

SPIKE I don’t know what I would have done if you’d gone up those stairs.

***

THE FIRST/CALEB I will overrun this earth. And when my army outnumbers the humans on this earth, the scales will tip and I will be made flesh.

BUFFY Talk on. I’m not afraid of you.

THE FIRST/CALEB Then why aren’t you asleep… in your dead lover’s arms? ’Cause he can’t help you. Nor Faith, nor your friends. Certainly not your wanna-slay brigade. None of those girlies will ever know real power unless you’re dead. You know the drill.

THE FIRST/BUFFY “Into every generation a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world. She alone will have the strength and skill to…” There’s that word again. What you are. How you’ll die. Alone. Where’s your snappy comeback?

BUFFY You’re right.

THE FIRST/BUFFY Hmm… not your best.

SPIKE I’m drowning in footwear! Weird dream. Buffy? Is something wrong.

BUFFY No. Yeah. I just realized something. Something that really never occurred to me before. We’re going to win.

***

GILES (to Buffy) I’ll go dig up my sources. Quite literally, actually. There one or two people I have to speak to who are dead.

ANYA (to Xander) Come on. Let’s go assemble the cannon fodder.

XANDER That’s not what we’re calling them, sweetie.

ANYA Not to their faces. What am I— insensitive?

***

FAITH That’s assuming they get past us.

WOOD Which— no offense— I am.

FAITH Come on. You gotta have a little faith.

WOOD I think I’ve had my share, thanks.

FAITH Well, I trundled right into that one, didn’t I? Look, I’m sorry if it seemed like I was blowing you off the other day. I was just trying to, you know, blow you off.

WOOD Yeah, you know what? I figured that one out all by myself.

FAITH It’s nothing personal. It’s just… after I get bouncy with a guy, there’s not that much more I need to know about him.

WOOD That’s bleak.

FAITH Way of the world.

WOOD That’s good to know ’cause for a second there, I thought it was more defensive, isolationist Slayer crap.

FAITH And he comes out swingin’.

WOOD Faith, there’s a whole world out there that you don’t even know about and a lot of the men in it are pretty decent guys. They’d surprise you.

FAITH A guy looks at me, let’s just say his priorities shift.

WOOD Why? Because you’re so hot?

FAITH It is what it is, yo.

WOOD Oh, please. I am so much prettier than you are. And for the record, our little encounter didn’t exactly change my world.

FAITH You’re trippin’! That was rock ’em, sock ’em.

WOOD No, no, it was nice enough and you’re very… enthused. And I think with a little more experience—

FAITH Dude, I got madd skillz!

WOOD Yeah, of course. Let’s finish up.

FAITH No, hell with that! We’re going again, baby. You’re gonna learn a little respect here, pal.

WOOD Faith, make me a deal, all right? We live through this, you give me the chance to surprise you.

FAITH What would be the surprise?

WOOD You do know the meaning of the word, right?

FAITH Fine. Deal.

WOOD Good enough.

FAITH No way you’re prettier than me.

WOOD A little bit, yeah.

***

ANDREW Adios to five hit points. Trogdor has badly wounded you.

GILES Well, what about my bag of illusions?

ANDREW Illusions against a burninator? Silly, silly British man.

AMANDA I invoke a time flux on Trogdor.

ANDREW Step down, girlfriend! You can’t just—

AMANDA Ninth level sorcerer and I carry the Emerald Chalice. Trogdor is frozen in time. Deal with it.

XANDER Smack down on Red Riding Hood. This could get ugly.

GILES Could it possibly get uglier? I used to be a highly respected Watcher. Now I’m a wounded dwarf with the mystical strength of a doily.

***

WOOD Welcome to Sunnydale High. There’s no running in the halls, no yelling, no gum-chewing. Apart from that, there’s only one rule: if they move, kill them.

***

ANYA So that leaves me and the dungeon master in the north hall.

ANDREW We will defend it with our very lives.

ANYA Yes, we will defend it with his very life.

XANDER And don’t be afraid to use him as a human shield.

ANYA Good, yes! Thanks.

ANDREW I just want to say how proud I am to die for this very special cause with you guys. There’s some people I’d like to thank, both good and evil. A shout-out to my brother Tucker who gave me the inspiration to summon demons and also—

ANYA Nobody cares, ya little monkey.

***

BUFFY I was thinking about shopping— as per usual.

WILLOW There’s an Agnes B in the new mall!

XANDER Good. I could use a few items.

GILES Aren’t we going to discuss this? Save the world and go to the mall?

BUFFY I’m having a wicked shoe craving.

XANDER Aren’t you on the patch?

WILLOW Those never work.

GILES And here I am, invisible to the eye, not having any say…

XANDER See, I need a new look. It’s this whole eye patch thing.

BUFFY Oh! You could go with the full black secret agent look.

WILLOW Or the puffy shirt, pirate-slash-poet feel. Sensitive yet manly…

XANDER Now you’re getting a little renaissance fair on me.

BUFFY It’s a fine line.

GILES (to himself) The earth is definitely doomed.

***

SPIKE Not to be a buzzkill, love, but my fabulous accessory isn’t exactly tingling with power.

BUFFY I’m not worried.

SPIKE I’m getting zero juice here… and I look like Elizabeth Taylor.

FAITH Cheer up, Liz. If Willow’s big spell doesn’t work, it won’t matter what you wear.

BUFFY I’m not worried.

***

BUFFY So here’s the part where you make a choice. What if you could have that power… now? In every generation one Slayer is born because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. This woman is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rule. I say my power should be our power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the scythe to change our destiny. From now on, every girl in the world who might be a Slayer, will be a Slayer. Every girl who could have the power, will have the power. Can stand up, will stand up. Slayers… every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?

***

ANDREW I think they’re coming.

ANYA Oh, god. I’m terrified. I didn’t think— I mean, I just figured you’d be terrified and I would be sarcastic about it.

ANDREW Picture happy things. A lake, candy canes, bunnies…

ANYA (cold) Bunnies. Floppy, hoppy, bunnies.

***

THE FIRST/BUFFY Oh, no… ow! Mommy, this mortal wound is all… itchy. You pulled a nice trick. You came pretty close to smacking me down. What more do you want?

BUFFY I want you… to get out of my face!

***

SPIKE I can feel it, Buffy.

BUFFY What?

SPIKE My soul. It’s really there. It kind of stings.

***

SPIKE Go on, then.

BUFFY No! No, you’ve done enough! You could still—

SPIKE No, you’ve beaten them back. It’s for me to do the cleanup.

FAITH Buffy, come on!

SPIKE (to Buffy) Gotta move, lamb. I think it’s fair to say, school’s out for the bloody summer.

BUFFY Spike!

SPIKE I mean it! I gotta do this.

BUFFY I love you.

SPIKE No, you don’t. But thanks for saying it.

SPIKE Now go! I want to see how it ends.

***

GILES I don’t understand. What did this?

BUFFY Spike.

***

XANDER So did you see?

ANDREW I… I was scared. I’m sorry.

XANDER (insistent) Did you see what happened?

ANDREW She was incredible. She died saving my life.

XANDER That’s my girl… always doing the stupid thing.

***

FAITH Looks like the Hellmouth is officially closed for business.

GILES There’s another one in Cleveland. Not to spoil the moment.

XANDER We saved the world.

WILLOW We changed the world. I can feel them, Buffy. All over. Slayers are awakening everywhere.

DAWN We’ll have to find them.

WILLOW We will.

GILES Yes, because the mall was actually in Sunnydale so there’s no hope of going there tomorrow.

DAWN We destroyed the mall? I fought on the wrong side.

XANDER All those shops, gone. The Gap, Starbucks, Toy R Us… who will remember all those landmarks unless we tell the world of them?

GILES We have a lot of work ahead of us.

FAITH Can I push him in?

WILLOW You’ve got my vote.

FAITH I just want to sleep, yo. For like a week!

DAWN I guess we all could. If we wanted to.

WILLOW Yeah, The First is scrunched so… what do you think we should do, Buffy?

FAITH Yeah, you’re not the one and only Chosen anymore. Just gotta live like a person. How’s that feel?

DAWN Yeah, Buffy. What are we going to do now?

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