I’m at Janice’s (and she’s asleep but I’m not really tired so writing this it is) but there’s this really fantastic reason I’m here…

Willow and Tara are back together! I would be dancing for joy but somebody would bring up that demon. But they’re back together! And it’s such a good thing! And everything’s going to be so much happier around here now that they are. This is, like, the best thing that’s happened since I don’t know when! OK, I do; sister, resurrection, yadda, but… Wow. This is so unutterably cool.

I think the pair of them are messing up my view of the world, though, because I now have this totally idealised picture of lesbianism. And the people I know have such fantastic track records with straight relationships. But I don’t think I’m gay. I’m kinda disappointed. I’m also not really past the “boys are idiots” stage, so…

This is all Justin’s fault. ‘Cause, it’s like there’s this really nice guy, and he’s cute and he actually likes me and then he doesn’t even mind how bad I am at kissing – and then I find out it’s all because he wants to snack on me. I liked a vampire and he didn’t even have a soul or a chip and so I, that’s right, me myself I had to put an end to his extended existence.

And I know Buffy got there first! I can’t do anything but she’s been there, done that before and better! Love of her life instead of first date, sword instead of stake, ten times as spectacular and utterly heartbreaking and off she runs to L.A.

Didn’t think I knew that much, did you?

But I’m off boys more now than I was before. It was kinda drastic. But I guess it’s not all his fault. How about the absent father? The mother whose one attempt at dating turns out to be a psycho robot? The sister with the ex-es who leave town, if not the country? The TV addiction? (you know that stuff takes over your brain). And oh yeah, the one apparently stable male in my life ditches his fiancée at the altar and then runs around with an axe when he sees her having sex with someone else. I mean, come on, she was a demon for a thousand years – he thinks he’s her one and only? Please!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah; I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life because I can’t handle relationships at all.

Suppose that didn’t stop me trying to beat up on Spike over how bad at them he is – metaphorically, obviously, because I’m under no illusions that he would let me even with the chip. He’s such an idiot! And I’m not going to see him ‘cause Buffy is so not going to let him in the house. But even I can see he loves her (and can I go back to sister-envy for a minute? Because all these really cute guys keep falling for her and if I get noticed at all it’s because I’m her little sister – I guess guys really do prefer blondes).

Oh, I am not going to sit here and obsess about guys! Although, hello, fifteen-year-old girl, totally allowed to. But I just end up going round in circles. I like boys. Boys are idiots. Boys don’t like me. I hate boys. Which isn’t exactly a circle but you know what I mean.

Maybe I should try different make-up. But I’d have to lift it ‘cause I’m broke and I said I wouldn’t do that any more. It would only be concealer and maybe some eye-shadow… I might. I can do it and it’s not like it’s… Darn. I said I wouldn’t. So I won’t. Even though some days my fingers are just itching to reach out and grab.

There’s a boy in school who’s quite cute. If I wasn’t off guys totally I would probably consider him potential boyfriend material. It helps that I’ve seen him in sunlight ‘most every day – but there are more things than demons. Also I don’t think he’s interested. And even if he was I think he’s too shy to actually make a move. So that’s just a total washout. Which is annoying, ‘cause – cute and alive and in my classes and I could take him home to meet the parents… if I had any. But of course a boyfriend would just be too much hassle. And then it would all go wrong and I’d get depressed.

I probably would be better off being a lesbian. But I’m not. Darn.

I’m going to have to go back home at some point tomorrow but either I’ll have to sit through Buffy moping and snapping or Willow and Tara making eyes at each other (yes, I am happy for them – that doesn’t mean I have to put up with constant sappiness when I don’t get those kinds of looks from anyone) or maybe dear old Xander will be round for another counselling session. I don’t have to be sympathetic. My life is no fun either.

See what I mean about the circles? Round and round and round and round…

I could tell you all about how Terri showed up to school in a crop-top and a mini-skirt that showed off her lacy knickers; but that leads to “and all the boys followed her around” and that leads to “they never look at me but maybe they would if I was a slut like her”. It was really bad, though, ‘cause the teachers were checking her out as well – it was just sick. But I heard she slept with about five college guys over the summer, so what do you expect?

I bet she doesn’t know all the stuff I know.

It’s just, sometimes, I realise that I judge everyone else by me and my life; so something normal could well involve hanging out with a gang who’re all years older than me, and magic and fighting (or not!) demons and all this kind of thing. And there are all these people who don’t have a clue about any of it.

Sometimes I wish I was one of them. Born to Hank and Joyce, grew up in the ‘burbs of L.A. with one elder sister Buffy – who did not burn down the school because she didn’t know thing one about vampires. Of course, that would probably have meant the entire school getting killed by them, including her. But death’s another of the things that is normal.

Death’s normal for some of the really normal people who don’t know about all this. That’s worse than it being normal for me. I have the excuse of being a supernatural target along with most of my surrogate family. But the people who live in the everyday world – it’s normal for some of them as well. That’s really sad.

Oh, I’m not doing this. It’s Buffy’s job to worry about the world. And I can’t start being depressed because she’s done that before as well. Yes, I feel inferior to my sister. She’s… “a superhero or something”, how am I ever supposed to compete? I know it’s not supposed to be like that, but it always feels like it is. Like the only times I come out of her shadow are when I do really stupid things. Or when she dies for a while. Next time will be permanent. And I know I’ll wish to be back in the shadow, but…

Some days I just want out.

OK, I’m turning into depresso-gal so I’m going to pack this up and go to sleep. And tomorrow I’ll go home again and see how things are working out.