Title: A Little More Conversation
Author: kbk
Disclaimer: Sigh. No.
Rating: R?
Summary: John and Liz have a talk. About sex.
Notes: I found this in my files, and I remember that I was going to maybe go on and make pron happen and it would wind up being this big angsty three-way. thing. But that was too much effort, so it is just this.

They ended up going home by Aeroflot. Hellboy had a large crate and the run of the cargo hold, while John and Liz somehow managed to get seats next to each other but far away from their supposed boss.

"Oh God," said Liz, five minutes after the seatbelt sign was switched off.

John tried to raise one eyebrow at her, but his face hurt, so he just squinted.

"Um." Liz glanced around nervously. "I'm not sure how private this is, because a surprising number of people speak English, it's the most popular second language there is because of, well, Hollywood and all, but. Well."

John glanced around too, and didn't spot anyone paying attention to them. Still, he knew that didn't necessarily mean anything. "We could wait a while, let people go to sleep."

Liz frowned. "Yeah, but now you know there's something, and I've started, and I just, I really don't know how to..."

John patted her hand comfortingly. "Liz. Chill out."

Luckily for him - and every other person on board - she found that amusing instead of offensive. Perhaps a little too amusing; her giggle-fit had more than a touch of hysteria to it.

"OK. Is it something you want to tell me, or to ask me?"

Liz swallowed, nodded. "Ask. But. You know HB and I have..."

"A thing. Yeah." John didn't really want to talk about that.

"Oh, is it OK for me to... because, I think, you were thinking maybe we had, a thing, but we don't, I guess, so can we be friends?"

John was a nice guy and he liked both these crazy kids. He reminded himself of that quite firmly. "Sure, Liz."

"OK. Good." Liz slid down in her seat, finally relaxing a little.

"Is that all?"

Liz shook her head vigorously. "HB and I, it's, well, he's him, and, I'm me, and we don't really... I told him it should be him that asked you, but he thought this would be a good time and also I think he's embarrassed, except it's not like you can see him blushing, is it?"

John grinned at her. He had to duck his head to see her face, and was tempted to make a comment about her blushing; but he wasn't that insensitive. "So... ask."

"So... you've had sex before, right?"

John felt the blood rush to his own face. "Um. Yeah. Are you... you haven't?" He was surprised, but felt as if he shouldn't be.

"I have that little problem, remember? Also, I went from the Professor's place to the institution; I didn't exactly have many chances."

In some ways, it was more strange to think about Liz's odd life, since she looked so normal. "So you... right, and he hasn't either, and. Does he even... Wow."

"Yeah."

"I mean, if he's p... proportional, then."

"Wow." Liz looked embarrassed, but relieved that she had finally articulated the problem. That relief contributed to another giggle. Then John felt himself snicker, at the content of the conversation, and then they were both trying to smother their laughter so as not to draw attention.

They had just about calmed down by the time the stewardess came by with the drinks cart, and John bought himself a well-deserved whiskey, even though he was technically on duty.

He sipped gingerly; it burned his split lip. He set down the plastic cup and slung his arm around Liz's shoulders in a companionable fashion. Brotherly, even. "So, what, you want some advice?"

Liz nodded, and completely failed to look him in the eye.

"I don't know if I'm the best guy for this..."

"You know us."

"True."

"And you've at least been given talks like this."

John blinked in shock. Then he thought about it a little, and he thought about the Professor, and he thought about Liz's flames and Hellboy's... otherness, and it made sense again. "Usually they start out with the emotional side of things," he said, "but I think you guys have that sorted."

Liz beamed up at him, and it was suddenly a lot harder to begrudge the fact that he'd never really had a chance. "I think so, too," she murmured.

"Next is protection. Um. I guess you don't have to worry about disease, but contraception might be a good idea. Geez." That thought brought up a dozen new ones: could it even happen? and what would the kids be like if it did? were just the first ones.

Liz blushed some more. "I was thinking the pill?"

"Yeah, probably smart. So all that's left is, uh, the mechanics." John winced in anticipatory embarrassment. He took another long sip of his drink, and searched for the words. "Um. How much do you know?"

"Not much."

"He's got all those TVs, he's got to have watched some porn. But I guess that's kind of extreme, sometimes." Liz made a small mortified noise and buried her face in his shoulder. John wished for a way to hide his own face, but none appeared. "OK. Um. Take it slow. Don't try for penetration... at all, the first time, I'd say, and for a while after if he is... Large. Uh. Hands and mouths can be perfectly satisfying. But it's all about communication, you just have to, to keep talking to each other. Let him know what you like."

Liz squirmed a little. "I. Really?" She didn't sound too happy at the prospect.

"Yeah. OK, how about I humiliate myself some more, here?" John sipped at his drink again, and eyed the rapidly lowering level of it unhappily. Liz looked at him, eyes bright and questioning. "The second girl I had sex with, I thought I knew what I was doing."

Sitting back in shock, Liz didn't quite shake his arm off, and after a moment, she settled back against him. "You didn't?"

John cleared his throat, and directed his gaze firmly at his tray-table. "I knew how to please my ex-girlfriend. She liked her nipples pinched." He made a vague pinching motion with his free hand. "So, the next girl, I..." He waved his hand again, losing his words as he remembered that experience.

"Pinched," supplied Liz.

"And she shrieked," he continued. "And it took me... I didn't know if that was good or not."

"It wasn't?" Liz asked, voice sympathetic, expectant, and ever-so-slightly amused.

John shook his head grimly.

"So. Communication."

"Oh yeah."

John was expecting that to be that, and so he almost choked on his celebratory drink when Liz piped up with: "So what did she do? After she shrieked."

He should have realised she would want to know. "Came very close to kicking me in the balls. So we called it square and kept going."

"Was it... good?"

"It wasn't great, but that was about as bad as it got, so. It was OK."

"Oh." Liz still looked faintly troubled.

"You'll be fine," John told her, and squeezed her shoulders gently. "Half the fun is in finding out what the other person likes. It's not the end of the world if things go wrong."

She nodded, and settled sweetly against him. By the time the stewardess came round again, they were both asleep.