Title: Thoughts Of Normality
Author: kbk
Disclaimer: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and all characters are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and various other people and companies. Not me. I make no money from this.
Rating: G
Summary: What the hell was Spike thinking during "Normal Again"? Because, you know, giving an ultimatum to the girl who doesn't want to stay in your world - that's smart! This was actually supposed to be a comparison of Buffy and Dru. It turned into an explanation of his behaviour that convinced me when I went back and read it. My brain surprises me some days.

Oh, look at me, I've gone crazy. Yeah, right. I know crazy, luv. I lived with crazy for over a century and I'm telling you, you're not. Dru would go spinning off so fast that nobody could ever reach her, go so high and so far, so wonderfully blindingly gorgeously mad... and I would be there to catch her when she fell. And now I've lost all that, and it's your fault, in a way. That's right, blame it all on Buffy. But... I do love you. And I would have taken care of you. Sat you down, talked you out, held some ice... But no, your pals up and carry you off... And God help me if he can send me flying.

And now she expects me to stay here and help look after you. When she wouldn't let me before. When all you're doing is drifting off a bit every now and then, and muttering about how none of us are real. Which is just dandy. You haven't been seeing me as real for a while.

What if you're right, though? What if all this is in your head? Would explain why every guy who gets within ten yards seems to fall for you. But so much shit has happened to you… The only way things could be that bad would be if it were real. Nobody would be sick enough to think this up.

How long does it take to mix a bloody antidote? I'm going to have to borrow a blanket if I don't want to hang around here till nightfall. Thing is, see, I know you're not crazy, but you don't. That would be because you haven't talked to me about it. Because I don't get told about anything, not till it's too late. There's no reason for me to know that Anya, who amuses me, is currently off crying somewhere; or that carpenter-boy was missing and is now on the guilt-trip of his life; or that Willow's on the off with Tara (and of course, I don't know why); or that the Niblet is having yet another teenage crisis; or that you're sick. If I hadn't been there when you went, I wouldn't have been told. If they hadn't needed help with the demon, I wouldn't have known it was more than you feeling a bit under the weather. They wouldn't have told me. You could have been dying, and I wouldn't have known until they needed a hand patrolling, or getting Dawn to settle - not that I can handle her any more.

Worst part is, it wouldn't even be a deliberate "don't tell Spike". They just wouldn't remember. I'm useful. I get picked up when it's convenient and cast aside when it's not. I'm not complaining. But I love you. And I have the right to know if anything happens to you. I have more right to be here than anyone but Dawn.

I want them to know that.