I’m glad today’s over. Maybe we can settle into a routine, now. Plentiful work and a strict regime do wonders to fill the mind and calm the spirit.

Oh, I was boiling mad earlier. And Ron didn’t even blink! Malfoy wandered over at the end of the Feast for the ritual exchange of snide remarks. Predictably enough, he addressed them to Harry but insulted all of us. “New boy” was in there, as was “Mudblood girlfriend” – I can’t believe they’re still harping on that when they know it’s a crock – and an insult about Ron’s family and their finances. Harry glared but said nothing – he’s doing that more often, lately – and I snapped back – something to do with his lack of manners, meanness of spirit and lack of height – but Ron just stood there. Stood there, looked at him, looked away, and walked on by. And when I tried to talk to him about it he just changed the subject.

It might take a little while to get to know them properly again. It’s only been a couple of months, and yet… The past few days we were still somewhat insulated, concerned only with each other. Now we’re in a larger world, and on today’s observations the boys are not dealing with it the way I would expect them to. I’m confused.

On the other hand, my roommates haven’t changed a bit. Parvati and Lavender are gossiping away, despite the fact they’ve been in touch all through the summer. The topic of the moment appears to be boys. Unbelievable, the way they get so worked up. I am friends with boys and they’re just not that exciting. Not that they’re boring, they just… Oh, I know what I mean! But I don’t really understand the way they’re talking. I dated Viktor; and while it was pleasant enough, it wasn’t anything to lose sleep over.

I suppose it’s a better thing to lose sleep over than some.

I’m disappointed in Ron. I suppose I always felt a little flattered by the way he would jump to my defence. And he didn’t. I thought he cared! I thought maybe he… well, maybe he cared as more than just a friend. I don’t know if that would be a good thing. I’m not at all sure whether I want him to. But apparently he doesn’t, so I don’t need to worry about it.

I’m glad to be back, whatever happens. But not everyone is glad, and some people aren’t back. The tables were definitely smaller. And the Sorting didn’t take as long this year, though I suppose it could just be a small year. I doubt it. I heard some of the first years talking, though, and it looks like the Muggle-borns are here. I suppose the threat from Voldemort is distant enough that they can’t justify not accepting them, but close enough that some of the wizarding families have kept their children at home. I wonder what that would be like: learning from your parents. Or a tutor, I suppose, but… It would be very odd, being taught by the same person for all your classes. Not having anyone else asking questions. Very odd. And not having friends around would be just awful. An only child, with parents teaching you because they’re scared to let you out of their sight – it would be suffocating. I’m lucky that can’t happen to me.

They could have kept me at home, though. I noticed a couple of people missing that I’m fairly sure are from non-wizarding families. They’re probably staying at home and trying to learn from the set books. Unless… unless something’s happened to them. God, I hope not. I’d have heard, surely? I’d have heard if something had happened to someone I know. They’ve just been kept at home, that’s all. Please let that be all.

I really have to get to sleep. I need a good eight hours if I’m going to stay awake through classes tomorrow – they’ll be even more boring than usual, I expect, ‘cause we’ll be sorting out seating and stuff like that for the rest of the year. So I need my sleep. Of course, if I’m just going to get woken up again by the screaming…

He says that’s the only time it’s been that bad, and it was probably because he was coming back – but if the thought of coming back does that, then what’s it going to do actually being back?

And thinking about what’s going on with Harry is really going to help me get to sleep.

I should just pretend I’m sitting in History of Magic. I can sleep there no problem. But I only get an hour, and the desks aren’t all that comfortable.

My bed is comfortable. I am tired. Therefore I will sleep. I will not lie awake thinking about things I cannot change i.e. the inside of my friends’ heads; whatever Voldemort is planning; the detentions Snape is going to give me; the amazing blinkers Percy seems to have acquired; the fact that my little sister still has nightmares about something that happened two years ago. I knew she had them for a while, but I thought they’d stopped. She said it was just coming back had triggered them again, and it was probably a one-off, but… Coming back to school isn’t supposed to be like this. It’s supposed to be a mixture of excitement at seeing your friends again and disappointment at the end of the holidays. It shouldn’t be fear.

This place is a lot of different things to people. To me it’s history. Weasleys have been Gryffindors since way back, so there’s who-knows-how- many ancestors of mine have slept in this very room. It gets a bit overwhelming. It’s hard to feel significant with all that lot behind you – but then again, look what being significant has done to Harry. Maybe it’s better to be a nobody.

There’s a shadow over Hogwarts, and it worries me. Through all the disasters – natural and man-made – that have been thrown at it, Hogwarts has stood firm. It’s been the last stronghold of the Light more than once. It just… This time, it feels vulnerable. I can’t explain why, but it does. It’s probably just me being paranoid. I really hope it is.

Half the Slytherins have gone off to Durmstrang – well, maybe ten. But Malfoy and his goons are still here, unfortunately. At dinner, he…

I am surprised that he’s still here, but I guess since his father’s one of the Governors… He can look out for his boy better here. He has an excuse to keep an eye on Dumbledore. I bet the little sleaze tells Daddy everything that goes on around here. A spy in this place is more important than yet another guarantee of Malfoy Junior turning out a Death-Eater.

I did what I said I would and ignored him at the Feast. Harry was confused and Hermione looked… hurt? It took one hell of an effort, the things he said; but I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me lose it, the vicious little… I’m not going to.

I guess I should have told my friends that.

He called her Harry’s girlfriend. Everyone seems to think that. And I know it’s a load of rubbish, but… It gets to me. Yes, they are my two best friends, and if anything happened between them I really ought to be happy for them and I would definitely tell them I was – but I’d probably be lying. Because if they were, then I’d be the third wheel and more useless than ever. And anyway, the two of them together? It just seems wrong. I mean, whose bed did she wake up in this morning?

I’m scared to go to sleep.

I’m a Gryffindor. I’m not supposed to be scared.

Correction: I’m supposed to be brave - to be scared and do it anyway.

But honestly, what am I supposed to do? Sing myself a lullaby? I don’t remember any. And counting sheep never worked for me before. But I don’t mind being awake. The darkness, the quiet… It gives me time to think. Time to remember. Who am I kidding?

I hate being awake. I would sleep forever if I didn’t have to dream.

I should have bought some sleeping pills over the summer. I didn’t even think of it. I was too busy wallowing in guilt and self-pity. Now I’m going to have to wait until the first Hogsmeade weekend so I can get the wizarding equivalent. If there is one…

A weekend, I mean, not an equivalent. (There will be one of them, surely. Everyone has trouble sleeping sometimes, right?) With Voldemort gaining power again, it might make sense to keep us all within school grounds. But what are secret passages and an Invisibility Cloak for, hmm? It would be betraying Dumbledore’s trust, but…

He told everyone at the Feast – again – that Voldemort is back and is gaining in power. At least he didn’t point to me as a shining example – of a pawn! I know he has plans and I’ve wondered about them often enough and talked to the others too – I just wish he would give me some clue of what I’m expected to do, here! Whatever it is, it’s a few years away, at least. I hope. I truly do hope. I’m being shaped up, groomed to face Voldemort – to defeat him, they think – and I hope the process is done by the time that day comes. The state I’m in now – I’d probably have done better in first year. I did do better in first year. I was probably at my peak for the Third Task, though.

When Cedric was killed, just for a second, I was glad it wasn’t me. And sometimes I wish he’d been ignoble enough to take the damn Cup for himself. He’d still be dead, but Voldemort wouldn’t be back as much as he is. But nobody would believe he was back at all. And nobody would be preparing to fight him.

He would have found me sooner or later, I’m sure.

Cho was at the Feast. She’s still pretty, of course, but I can’t feel the same way about her any more. It would never work anyway – it would feel like we were betraying Cedric’s memory. And she’s older than me, and I’m a mess, and anyone who comes near me ends up hurt so it’s just not worth it.

If all this was over; if I wasn’t a target; if none of this mattered – I don’t know. I’d like someone to love. But my personal comfort is totally outweighed by the risk to them. And I wouldn’t be much good as a boyfriend anyway – selfish and inconsiderate and inattentive… Oh well. Not like I have a mother nagging me about these things.

I’m going to sleep. I am. I’m going to have good dreams, for the first time in months. I’ll dream that my parents didn’t die, for starters. I’ll dream that… No, I won’t. It’ll be the normal ones. I may not be as smart as Hermione, but I’m not stupid. I’m not going to keep torturing myself with unrealistic hopes. Really, I’m not.

That may be an unrealistic hope in and of itself.