Title: Send Three and Fourpence
Author: kbk
Disclaimer: Not mine, wouldn't want them anyway.
Rating: PG
Summary: Team-fic. Non-serious. Written for lj-comm stargateanon.

"They're trying to kill me," said Rodney in a surprisingly matter-of-fact tone. He thumped into his seat, stuffed some food - reasonably edible, though unidentified, meat, guaranteed citrus free - into his mouth, and then kept talking before he'd finished chewing. "I'm going to have an aneurysm because my brain simply cannot tolerate any longer the utter banalities that my so-called staff attempt to present as serious scientific research. And don't even get me started on their ignorance of proper experimental procedure, because... mmf." Rodney waved one hand in the air, fortunately failing to maim anyone with the fork he held, and finally swallowed his food.

The demon on John's shoulder poked him in the ear. "You know, you don't always follow procedure yourself."

"Yes, well, that's different. I'm a genius. Also, their boss." Rodney grinned smugly. "Anyway, just promise me that if I turn up dead you'll make sure blame falls on the appropriate persons. Especially Ward. I think he really wants me dead."

Ronon claimed the chair next to Rodney with an even louder thump. "Want me to shoot him?" The offer was casual, but apparently sincere.

"Oh, would you? That would be excellent. Only on stun, though, I'd have to fill out a ridiculous number of forms if he got killed."

Sheppard leaned towards Ronon, shaking his head slightly. "He doesn't mean that."

"Oh yes I do!" Rodney huffed emphatically. "They gave me a secretary the first time we went back, there was so much paperwork for me to do."

"A secretary? Really? Was she pretty?" John raised a lascivious eyebrow.

"OK, first off, that's a negative gender stereotype and you are so lucky none of the girls are here. Second, no, she was sixty if she was a day and reminded me of my mother."

Ronon blinked. "Is that bad?"

"Uh. Yeah."

"My mother yelled a lot," said Ronon. He stared mournfully at his plate. "But she made me mana cakes every holiday."

An awkward silence descended over the table. It was quiet for a few long minutes.

"OK!" John jumped up. "I'm gonna. Go. Do something. Ronon, don't shoot any scientists."

Rodney looked distraught. "Can he at least loom threateningly?"

John didn't look back as he answered, "Not unless I'm there!"

Teyla felt the movement of the air as Ronon's stick passed just in front of her face. Her body was already flowing into a sweeping kick aimed at Ronon's legs, which failed to connect. Teyla danced back a few steps, just outside Ronon's long reach. She grinned fiercely - it was so good to let go, to know that the man facing her could more than hold his own - but Ronon did not quite return the smile.

"A problem?" she asked, and made a testing strike at Ronon's weaker side.

"Maybe. McKay wants me to shoot his people." Ronon tossed his head, a frustrated gesture that drew the eye, and almost distracted Teyla from the stick aimed at her hip.

"Oh? And what does the Colonel say?" The clack of wood on wood served as punctuation.

Ronon shrugged. "Only if he's there."

"I see."

Ronon closed in on her again, and Teyla returned her full focus to the spar. There would be time enough to think later.

After she had sluiced the sweat from her body with a jug of cool water, Teyla made her way towards the center of the city. She stopped in the mess for a few supplies, and then entered Elizabeth's office with two steaming mugs of spice-tea.

The pair of them would often pause and discuss things over a hot drink of some kind. There was never any shortage of items on their mutual agenda, and so Teyla left the item that had inspired this meeting to the very end of it.

Teyla straightened her spine, and looked Elizabeth in the eye. "Apparently, my teammates are planning to attack members of the scientific staff."

Elizabeth blinked. "Attack, Teyla? Are you sure?"

Teyla nodded soberly.

Ten minutes later, John sauntered into the office and dropped lazily into the chair next to Teyla.

Elizabeth fixed her military commander with a firm eye. "What in the world is going on?" she asked.

John squinted at her. "Uh. I dunno. You might have to give me a bit more information, here."

Teyla placed her hand next to his on the arm of the chair. "Ronon has told me..."

She was interrupted by the crackle of the radio, the emergency channel which they all heard automatically. "Medical team to Lab Three!" said a distant man.

"Oh shit," said John. He leapt out of his chair and headed for the nearest transporter, Teyla at his side, closely followed by Elizabeth in her trendy yet practical sneakers.

Ronon stood outside the lab, watching dispassionately as a small team of medical staff surrounded someone in science blue. In the far corner, Rodney berated a few more scientists, all of whom appeared upset.

"Ronon, what happened?" said John.

"How should I know?" Ronon shrugged. He turned to walk away, but Elizabeth stepped forward, placing her hand on his arm.

"Ronon," she said, then removed her hand rather hastily. "Did you shoot Doctor Ward?"

"No. He wasn't here." Ronon tilted his head towards Sheppard.

John grimaced. "I was supposed to be here for looming. I was going to lean dangerously."

Teyla blushed a little, and quietly stepped away.

"Oh please." Rodney had somehow approached virtually unnoticed. "Ah, Elizabeth, you're here, wonderful. We'll be sending a few back with Caldwell, that bunch of monkeys shouldn't be working with anything more dangerous than Lego."

Ronon frowned. "What's Lego?"

Elizabeth frowned. "Rodney." She stared at him, and spoke very calmly. "What happened here?"

"The SGC sent me a set of idiots who are trying to make me blow my brains out through sheer intellectual frustration. They shorted out the device they were working on."

John tilted, interested. "Wait, the Ancient device?"

Rodney sighed hugely. "Crystalline technology, I know, it's practically impossible to create a dangerous short, but they did it. I think the laws of probability work differently in this galaxy."

"I think, Rodney," said Elizabeth, taking him by the arm, "we're going to have a little talk."

"Oh, goody!" said he.

"About sarcasm."

John, Ronon, and Teyla watched as their teammate went to his doom. Then they shrugged at each other and went their separate ways.

It was just another day on Atlantis.