T minus one year, two months

From: D. Lau
To: J. Zeer
They’re cunts, aren’t they? I forgot all about that, since I didn’t have to do it myself, but I know a couple of people who were doing it last year and they’ve been writing like madmen this past few weeks – I’m sending this early to make sure you get it on the first rotation. Are you limited to 200 total? I thought it was 200 per letter, but… whatever. Life is still shit but I’m learning not to care. I have to deal with it, that’s what I’m doing, etc etc.
Brother is at home and taking forever to recover – I’m starting to think he’s slacking off, because it wasn’t like he smashed several vertebrae or anything.
Cutting, since I’m sure you really want to know, is falling off – less and less of it now I’m learning to be Zen and accept my situation. I am a rock and life is a stream and it’s wearing me down.
Wah. You don’t have to reply to me if you want to use your words for your family, or whatever. But, y’know, a line or two would be nice.
Dan
P.S. Did anything ever happen with Ivar? Or will it, since he’s now no longer giving you piles of assignments? Ohh, actually, how did exams go?

From: L. Lockridge
To: J. Zeer
Jim,
I would express my outrage at the idea if it wasn’t for the fact that having this constraint will probably encourage you to write to us more regularly. And I don’t mean to sound snarky but… yes, I do, I’m not a saint.
I’m sitting with Gran right now, telling her what I’m writing, and she laughed at me for that one.
It’s OK that you’re a bastard because everyone is, really, and thank you kindly for saving your words for us, because we do appreciate it. But, y’know, if you have things to say to… well, Sam can come above us on the list, I suppose. See, we will order you about from a distance. Women are bad like that. In case you hadn’t noticed.
Yawn…
Gran said “cute” but I don’t know what exactly she was talking about. I don’t think I want to know, really. Oh, that got me a frown. I’m scared.
Shit, supervisor’s coming… “Writing a letter for the patient, sir”
I’m in a bit of a happy mood at the moment, I’m afraid. Wey… I can be hyper if I want to be, but I guess not really at work, but… um. Where was I?
Walk away from the paper, Lucy…

From: A. Jeffers
To: J. Zeer
Jim, that’s ridiculous. That’s just fucking stupid. That’s… whu?
Anyway, there’s still fuck-all happening here. Apart from, y’know, job, girlfriend, life… Thinking about moving into a place with her, as flatmates more than anything else, but I… I could tolerate living with her and the sex is good and we have fun so what the fuck more do I want?
Alan

From: Mrs M. Zeer
To: J. Zeer
Perhaps this limitation will encourage you to write to me on a regular basis. Perhaps you will simply continue to ignore me.
I want to receive your letters but they always turn out to be a disappointment.
Your mother,
Mary K. Zeer

From: S. Zeer
To: J. Zeer
Bro!
Jesus! Why? What the hell are they hoping to accomplish with that?
In other news… wedding preparations are actually proceeding apace. At this rate we’ll have it completely arranged with several months to spare. Which would be cool, of course. But somewhat odd.
How’s your love life, then? Or should I just ask yes or no questions to save on words, if you’re that limited? Ach, doesn’t matter.
Casey loves me! Yay! and also Wow!
Sam

From: J. Zeer
To: Mrs R.A. Keller
Love you…
Cheery letters very good.
Morale group very weird.
“Razoumikhin” talked to me. Nice guy. Married.
Have baked excessively this month.
Think am now officially depressive insomniac. Can’t go to doctors until after launch. Wah.
Miss the real world, some days. This glasshouse is hardly normal.
Spending even more time in the library now my vid privileges have been restricted.
Decorated my room, finally – prints of paintings, Impressionist mostly. Also have a hanging case for my discs which looks quite pretty.
Aargh. Am turning into a girl. Not that… yeah.
You both good? I’m not too cryptic? Is necessary.
Love, Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: S. Zeer
Glad you’re happy. Love life non-existent, not caring right now.
For me – plain black trunks good? What you wearing, exactly? Which of you gets the white?
They’re fuckwits, is why.
Love, Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: D. Lau
Glad you’re OK. Nothing with Ivar before, may try now. Exams fine – passed well, third in group. Morale is… interesting.
200 total. Write!
Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: A. Jeffers
Maybe you want love?
Life here is boring also. Morale group is… interesting. I’m going crazy. Tell me about the girl.
Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: Mrs M. Zeer
Mom, I’m sorry you’re disappointed in me, but that’s your problem. I could love you if you’d let me.
Jim

Jim frowned at the paper, checking and rechecking his word count – he didn’t dare pass it, in case they reduced his privileges still further. So he counted, and tallied, and counted his tallies, and when he was done he tossed the letters on the bed, flung himself full-length, and sighed. It was most definitely a bad thing, he decided, when your problem, writing an average of forty words per letter, was that you didn’t have enough to say. Somehow he felt he should be concise and succint, condensing weeks of experiences and emotions and incidents and images into only a few lines, commenting on life and the human condition, expressing himself in tautly beautiful prose. Instead, he snarked, babbled and repeated himself. It would do.

T minus one year, one month

From: D. Lau
To: J. Zeer
Well done! That’s way cool, third. Who was above you – Kelly and, uh… the guy, the blonde one? But, whatever…
I always thought Morale was a fucking weird class to have – what’s the point of it? I mean, I can see it for the trip, but as an essential it’s just… not, y’know?
Thanks for writing to me at all, if it’s 200 total, but are you sure it is? Seems pretty nasty of them. But I guess if they give you a total you can’t go writing letters to every man, woman and child you know just to get the information out. Um…
There was something I was going to say but I can’t remember what and I need to post this today to make sure you get it so I guess whatever it is can wait.
Have fun.
Dan

From: L. Lockridge
To: J. Zeer
Jim,
You’re not too cryptic and we both understand why it is totally necessary. And we’re both all right at the moment – Gran’s health has hit a plateau, as far as I can tell, and my life is just as boring as usual. It leaves me with not much to write about, I’m afraid, which I feel really bad about, but what’s a girl to do?
We’re glad you’re settling in, a little, finally. You couldn’t live your whole life in a grey cell. You just couldn’t. At all. Depressive insomniac sounds pretty bad, though – why can’t you go to the doctor? Surely they wouldn’t kick you out for something that developed in part because of the way they’re treating you?
My room has some prints too, mostly of 20th century art, and the obligatory photos of celebrities which have hung over from my teenage years. And I’m sure you remember Gran’s decorative scheme. Though whoever thought it was a good idea to paint the entire home that “restful” shade of pale blue just wasn’t thinking at all. It’s quite nice to look at, at first, but then you just start to get completely sick of it. A stronger colour, some patterning, anything but that blandness…
I’m horrendously busy at the moment, for reasons I’ll tell you next time because they haven’t worked out yet and they might not so… but, yeah, I have to go now.
Lucy

From: A. Jeffers
To: J. Zeer
The girl is called April, she’s tall and fairly slim with long brown hair and a serious lack of self-confidence. She’s a grad student, history, good academic record, family are from Ireland. What more do you need to know?
Oh, fine, she plays viola and enjoys classical music, watches generic drama, doesn’t read for pleasure, I can’t think what else you would want to know. We have a good time together, and you’re not around to fuck it up for me, so I think we have a hope for the future.
And you know I don’t believe in love, Jim, so what the fuck is that about? I can be happy if I lower my expectations. Let me do that.
Alan

From: Mrs M. Zeer
To: J. Zeer
I love you even though you don’t let me. Why should you be any different?
Oh wait. Because it’s me. How could I forget?
Mary K. Zeer

From: S. Zeer
To: J. Zeer
Happy you’re glad.
Plain black trunks are grand for you. As to us, we’re not quite sure yet, but neither of us is wearing white. Really, Jim, white trunks? We’re not looking to be obscene, here.
Other than that… I don’t know, I’m happy and I’m working hard to pay for everything and make up for the number of holidays I’m taking this year, and that’s about it. So. Whatever.
Sam and Casey, sitting in a tree… yay.
Sam

From: J. Zeer
To: S. Zeer
You’re sickening, you know that? Keep arranging, see you then.
No white? You mean you’ve been living in sin? I’m shocked!
Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: Mrs R.A. Keller
Depressive insomniac is melodramatic shit, sorry for worrying you.
Never really got 20th cent. music or art – seems like a pile of bullshit to me.
Gran, do you still have the eyes up? They freak people out, y’know.
Oh, Lucy meant the poems, didn’t she? I never did learn calligraphy. Maybe I’ll put that on my list of things to do, since it will be curtailed after launch, since all the mountain climbing is off.
Are you going to be able to make it to Sam’s wedding? I’m sure he’d love to have you there – both of you. I’m having fun teasing him about the wedding – I’m best man – though it’s hard to fit it into the few words I have.
I’m going to make up a few discs for you, Gran – Lucy too, if you like – because you must get bored in there. This should be fun…
Love, Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: Mrs M. Zeer
Mom. Stop it. Love you. Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: A. Jeffers
I want you happy, man. If this is it… good luck. Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: D. Lau
Kelly and Simon, yeah. 200 total. Morale fucking useless.
Jim

T minus one year

From: Admin
To: J. Zeer
Meet the next incoming flight.

From: D. Lau
To: J. Zeer
Don’t be nasty about Morale, that’s my job. I, as a scientist, am allowed to call them hippy quasi-psychology-student idiots. But I don’t.
Life is shit, life is shit, life is shit… but I’m not cutting much so don’t worry about it, though that may change on the anniversary of my relapse. Oh well.
Dan

From: A. Jeffers
To: J. Zeer
Thanks for your support, man.
Did that sound sarcastic? It wasn’t meant to. Well, not really. I don’t think.
Nah, don’t mind me. Thanks.
Alan

From: Mrs M. Zeer
To: J. Zeer
Stop what, son? Being honest?
I should have expected as much from you.
Oh, you mean I should stop that? Well, fine. I can do that. Let’s be civil from now on.
I am proud of you for being on the Santa Maria. And I am proud of you for being a civil-minded, self-confident, outgoing and honest young man.
Your mother,
Mary K. Zeer

From: S. Zeer
To: J. Zeer
Sickening? Spot the man with a high level of sexual frustration…
Honestly, did you get any in the past year? It was the two-year bash that the whole tutor debacle happened at, wasn’t it? Poor Jim-bob…
Anyway, the point of the “no white” was that we’re getting married on the fucking beach. We’re going to be going for a swim at some point. White, when wet, is a little too indecent for anything other than a porn vid. All right?
It’s going to be OK having all of you there, isn’t it? We can all be civil to each other for a day or two at least. I don’t want this to turn into the stereotypical wedding with the drunken brawling. It won’t. It damn well better not.
Ach, not like it’d be your fault.
OK, ending this now, starting to get myself worried.
Sam

Jim walked into the “flight bay” five minutes before the next arrival was due, and sat in a chair near the exit gate. It was another twenty minutes, though, before the reason for his presence there became apparent. Walking out came a fair-haired young woman of medium height, dressed very casually, who looked around nervously as she stepped out into the open space. She was the only passenger, and so Jim stood, drawing attention to himself.
“Jim?” she asked worriedly. He nodded and walked forward. “Lucy,” he greeted her.
“Well, this is awkward,” she said, dropping her weight onto one leg and glancing away. He laughed slightly, and asked how much luggage she had. “I’m actually all right,” she told him, “most of my stuff got sent on beforehand and put in my room. I’m somewhere in four-six – think you could help me get there?”
He nodded in agreement, and set off.

So, you didn’t tell me you were coming.
Well, this is the thing I wrote about that I was busy with – going through all the tests and stuff to get on the program. I didn’t want to tell you because I thought you’d be disappointed when I didn’t get in. But then I did. So they sent you to be my greeter.
Yeah, I’ll have to show you around. Oh, cool… You’re just in time for the big one-year party.
I know. I guess the VIPs are coming later this evening?
Yeah, there’s about fifteen special flights – Helen works in control and she was bitching about it all last night – she’s one of my neighbours, we’re in the same communal kitchen.
Cool. So, where are you? I mean, how far apart are we?
Not too bad – a few sectors. Hey, I’ll give you a couple of hours to get settled in, and I can write my letters at the same time, then I’ll come get you, you can see where I live, then we can go to the big party with my group… sound good?

From: J. Zeer
To: Mrs R.A. Keller
Lucy arrived safely. I guessed you’d care.
I assume she’ll be writing to you too, on a more regular basis than I can. But this is pretty cool, having her here.
It leaves me a little at a loss, though, not knowing who is going to be reading this to you, not knowing what to say…
It’s one year till launch, so we’re having a big party tonight – that should be fun.
I can’t quite believe it’s only one year to go – it’s quite scary. In a year’s time, I’ll be leaving this entire planet behind… that’s just huge.
Are you all right with the new nurses? I know you liked Lucy a lot.
Sorry I took her away from you.
Love, Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: S. Zeer
You will never guess… Lucy’s here! How weird is that?
Happy!
Best leave the porn vids for later on, yeah.
I won’t start any brawls – promise.
Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: A. Jeffers
Lucy’s here! Gran’s nurse… is good thing.
Having fun life?
Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: Mrs M. Zeer
Thanks Mom.
It’s not your fault I’m fucked in the head, you’re just convenient to blame. Sorry.
Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: D. Lau
It’s a year… That’s scary. And bad.
You’ll get this too late, but don’t go too far with it. Please.
Jim

T minus eleven months

From: D. Lau
To: J. Zeer
Didn’t do too badly – enough to make me a little woozy, but not as bad as last year. So. Yeah.
Monosyllaby is fun!
It’s very odd, it doesn’t feel like that much time has passed. But obviously it has.
I don’t have anything to write. I shouldn’t be taking up your words.
Dan

From: A. Jeffers
To: J. Zeer
Ha! What’s your girlfriend like, then? Tell me about her!
Gah… hate you, you bastard, you just find them all over the fucking place, don’t you?
Have fun at the big party? I saw the reports, it looked pretty good – looked out for you, but couldn’t spot you in the crowd – that’s a hell of a lot of people going into deep space.
Good luck whatever.
Alan

From: S. Tellegrin
To: J. Zeer
Re: Mrs R.A. Keller
The assistant entrusted with your letter reported the following responses:
At the first sentence: “love”
At the fourth paragraph: “miss”
At the second-last paragraph: a shake of the head
At the last paragraph: “Gran”
S.W.T.

From: Mrs M. Zeer
To: J. Zeer
I forgive you, son.
Mary K. Zeer

From: S. Zeer
To: J. Zeer
I said you were interested in her, and what did you do? Deny, deny, deny, talk about coming onto a guy but never actually get round to it, and deny some more! If you can’t be honest with me, Jim, at least be honest with yourself.
You realise, don’t you, that it’s the best man’s responsibility to provide the porn vids? Just to remind you… And, y’know, no girls. Or, not many.
I’m sure you won’t fuck it up. Not any of it.
I’m glad you’re happy, Jim.
Sam

From: J. Zeer
To: S. Zeer
Happy you’re glad, Sam.
I’d have thought you’d know where the porn shops were.
Lucy – may be interested in her. Not sure. Definite possibilities. Is nice just having friends, though.
Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: Mrs. R.A. Keller
Dear Gran,
Lucy said she’d sent you a couple of long letters, so I don’t see what there is for me to tell you. She’s settling in just fine, and seeing her every few days is helping my mental equilibrium.
I’d like to see you. I really would. I want to know what you think of her. And possibly me and her as an us.
Pronoun hell…
I must apologise for my atrocious grammar. And my utter lack of anything approaching subject matter.
I was trying to do some writing the other day, emulating you, and found that I couldn’t actually think of a convincing plot. Or sympathetic characters. Not hardly helpful.
Love, Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: Mrs M. Zeer
I forgive you too.
Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: A. Jeffers
Lucy. Twenty-four, medium height weight build, fair-ish, lovely girl.
Party was tonnes of fun. Lots of free booze. Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: D. Lau
It’s all right for you to have my words. It’s not like I’m using them.
This party was fun. And different, in that the aftermath wasn’t as bloody.
Write more. Jim

T minus ten months

From: D. Lau
To: J. Zeer
You’re using this as an excuse to not have to write anything meaningful to any of your correspondents, aren’t you?
I’m not letting you use me like that. If you’re really interested, fine, I slashed again the other day because my mother asked me to wash up after dinner.
Do not fucking ask.
Oh, and the best part of aftermath is the blood. Trust me on this.
Dan

From: A. Jeffers
To: J. Zeer
Sounds nice. Both the girl and the big do.
But how is she in the sack?
Alan

From: S. Tellegrin
To: J. Zeer
Re: Mrs R.A. Keller
The assistant entrusted with your letter reported the following responses:

From: S. Zeer
To: J. Zeer
Fine, I’ll take you to the porn shops and you can pay for it all, all right?
About the girl… I guess you know best. But really, if you want her, go for it.
I feel the need to spread the love.
Happy Sam

From: J. Zeer
To: D. Lau
You’re right, of course, but do you blame me?
I can’t stop you cutting. But please, be careful?
Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: A. Jeffers
Fuck off. How’s yours?
Oh, fine, haven’t actually got that far with her. Are “friends”.
Thing is, I do actually like her, which is somewhat fucked. But I’m not.
Joy. Jim.

From: J. Zeer
To: S. Zeer
Sammikins – you are far too happy. I don’t need you spreading it to me, thanks.
And which of us has more money, do you think? Pay for your own porn. I’ll help pick, though. Pitch in.
Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: Mrs R.A. Keller
Gran,
I don’t know if you think this, but Lucy and I aren’t together. We really are just friends. I won’t lie and say I might not like more, but nothing seems to be happening at the moment.
She’s settled in grand, and I’m happy to have her here. I think, perhaps, she’s happier just to be here than she is to be here with me… in fact, I’m sure of that. But I don’t mind. It is a truly awesome thing, to be part of this, and she’s been wanting something like this for a long time. I envy her conviction.
I do like it here. I just don’t love it.
Jim

T minus nine months

From: D. Lau
To: J. Zeer
Bitch…
You’re right, you can’t stop me, and “careful”? If that means “be sure to clean them up so you don’t end up getting infected and dying of blood poisoning” well ta, but I thought of that for myself when I started, thanks all the same.
How the fuck did I get past the psych reports? I think I must be multiple personality or something, and they looked at the wrong fucking one.
Yay for the bitterness! Isn’t it fantastic?
Dan

From: A. Jeffers
To: J. Zeer
I told you, man, the sex is good. Not the best I’ve ever had, probably, but consistent. And… friendly. That always helps.
Since when did you not like telling me this stuff?
Oh yeah – since I’m getting more than you are. Sorry ‘bout that.
Alan

From: S. Tellegrin
To: J. Zeer
Re: Mrs R.A. Keller
The assistant entrusted with your letter reported the following responses:
First two paragraphs: nodding
Final paragraph: a frown.
S.W.T.

From: S. Zeer
To: J. Zeer
Read this carefully, Jim.
You: best man. Me: groom. Stag party: responsibility of best man. Best man: you.
You seein’ where I’m goin’, here?
Oh, Casey stabbed me the other day.
Sam
P.S. – yeah, I’d have left it like that if I could have written again tomorrow, but… it was a total accident and it was barely enough to need stitches. He was cooking, I grabbed him from behind, he turned round to kiss me and forgot about the knife in his hand, I screamed like a little girl, or a stuck pig, which is probably more appropriate in the circumstances… uh. Yeah. My fault. But he was apologetic anyway. Apology sex is one of the best things I’ve ever heard of. S.

From: J. Zeer
To: S. Zeer
You really are a little bastard, aren’t you? I’m glad you put the postscript in, because if you hadn’t… well, let’s just say the next stabbing wouldn’t have been accidental, you little shit.
Fine. I’ll get the fucking porn. When I get there. If you take me to the shops. Deal?
You still sicken me.
Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: D. Lau
The bitterness is beautiful, dear.
I meant, when I said careful, that you should make sure not to go too far. One day, you might not want the scars. But I’m here, you’re there, I’m helpless. I would be anyway, wouldn’t I? Can’t do anything for you. Can’t do anything for anyone.
Enough words for you?
Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: A. Jeffers
I only told you this stuff when I was drunk, and when I’m drunk I find it a little harder to write, so my reticence makes sense. God. Is everyone I know happy?
I’m having a much better time now that Lucy’s here, but I worry about Gran alone and badly supervised and Mom hasn’t written but I don’t have words and…
Huh. Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: Mrs R.A. Keller
Gran,
I take it you were feeling uncommunicative when my last letter arrived?
I’m sorry, no news, few words – correspondents having crises.
Jim

T minus eight months

From: D. Lau
To: J. Zeer
I’m already scarred, you’ve always been helpless. Give up on it already. Dan

From: A. Jeffers
To: J. Zeer
You lie, bastard, you always told me. But I accept there’s really nothing to tell.
Don’t reply to me this month. Use your words for your mother. She doesn’t need them, but I think maybe you do.
And no, everybody’s not happy, they just tell you they are because that’s what you do in letters, unless they’re a really good friend, you put a positive spin on things because we can’t have anyone else seeing our weaknesses. So.
I guess that means we’re still good friends.
I like that.
Alan

From: S. Tellegrin
To: J. Zeer
Re: Mrs R.A. Keller
The assistant entrusted with your letter reported the following responses:
At the first line: a laugh.
At the second line: a sigh.
S.W.T.

From: S. Zeer
To: J. Zeer
That was a… pretty aggressive sounding letter, there, Jim. Good thing I know you’re just joking. You are just joking, right? Of course you are.
And of course I’ll come with for the porn – can’t have you getting something I’ve seen already and didn’t like. Hmm. I’m thinking one old favourite and one pot-luck.
Should I stop talking about how happy I am? Or just not mention the sex side of things? And what’s with that, I thought you had a thing going with the cute nurse?
Anyway… got to go, write again in a month.
Sam

From: D. Lau
To: J. Zeer
Shit man, sorry, so sorry, just sometimes you catch me in a bad mood, especially when you fuss about me, especially when I’m in this fucking town, when… yeeaarrgh! Much hate. Much, much hate.
And you wonder why I take it out on me? There’s so much of it, sometimes, that I have to do something, have to break something, hurt someone… but I was brought up to respect other people so look at me now, look at me naked in the mirror with the thin red lines criss-crossing but only a driplet of actual blood… I can’t even do this right. Watch me screaming… Watch me as I reach up with my nails and scratch down my chest, watch the fire-trails appearing across my belly, watch me wince as I catch a blade-scratch and pull it open, loosing a drop of blood to ooze slowly wetly warmly down to my hip…
Damn.
Dan

From: J. Zeer
To: A. Jeffers
I like that too. Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: Mrs M. Zeer
You haven’t written. I haven’t written. I have an excuse. You don’t, as far as I know.
Try?
Love, Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: S. Zeer
Sorry about that letter, wasn’t a fantastic day. But. Anyway.
We can arrange the porn when I get there, you know. Same goes for everything except flights out.
About Lucy – we’re currently friends. I’m not going to make the first move.
Didn’t I tell you this? Fuck, memory is so gone…
Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: D. Lau
Your first letter may have hurt, but it was true. The only thing I can do is ask you to vent at me with words instead of you with blades. “Sticks and stones…”
Your second was strangely porn-like.
Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: Mrs R.A. Keller
Sorry about last month, but Dan is cutting herself, Sam freaked me out with his letter, Alan was pushing for info... Getting a bit sick of this, to be honest.
I wrote a poem for a competition they were having - apparently first officer had same worries about artistic licence as I did. Results haven't come in yet. Whatever.
"It hurts
When I see you
When you kiss me
When we talk
It hurts"
There's more, but almost out of words.
Love you, Gran.
Jim