T minus two years, two months, one week, four days

Hey, Jim. Jim, wait up!
Oh, hi Dan. Something wrong?
I heard you lied to the counsellor.
Regular gossip machine, this place.
Yeah, but… why? Why would you do that?
Because there really are dealers here, and the police are really doing nothing at all about it. I don’t know exactly why I… oh yes, I do.
OK, explain.
Not here.

Jim followed Dan into her room, and took a moment to look around. It was much the same basic design as his, though a little larger, but she had obviously taken some time out to decorate it in her own personal style – posters covered the walls, images of celebrities and landscapes that were all out of reach for the moment. “So why?” she asked as soon as the door was properly closed. “I have a friend,” he said slowly, “who comes from a large family. But thanks to those scum, out of the seven children of the family, two are dead and one is crippled. My friend is permanently scarred. And while the first death was an overdose, the other things were revenge. So I hate them. I needed to get them out. But I made a promise that I would never go up against them directly. So there we are.”
Dan breathed in deeply and bowed her head. “You’re trusting me, telling me this,” she said. He nodded, and paced along the room. “You’re not a dealer,” he said, “and people have to find out sooner or later.” He sat on her chair, and she collapsed onto the bed. “How do you tell?” she asked. “Generally, a dealer will approach someone who spends the second half of a class jonesing,” he told her with a smirk in his voice. She blinked. And then she laughed.

T minus two years, two months, one week, one day

From: A. Jeffers
To: J. Zeer
“No tides”? You promised me, Jim. You promised. Tell me you didn’t.
Alan

From: J. Zeer
To: A. Jeffers
I didn’t. I used getting help for “hostile”.
Thanks for worrying about me, pal.
Jim

#Extract from Transcript of interview 112
Subject: JAZ
Officer: MFA#
MFA: You were attempting to eradicate drugs in the first month of the colony?
JAZ: Stamp it out as quick as you can. Yep.
MFA: You have personal issues with the drug problem.
JAZ: No kidding. I’m also impressed by the quality of the grapevine in here already.
MFA: This was actually reported to us.
JAZ: Dan, right? Military and all.
MFA: We cannot reveal the identity of our sources.
JAZ: Whatever. Are you doing something about it by now? Or do you want to threaten me till I squeal?
MFA: We were hoping you would volunteer information.
JAZ: Nah, nah, I’m not a snitch. That kinda thing gets you killed.
MFA: Fine, you’ll be thrown out if you don’t explain why you wasted counselling time on an act, and then you can go to the local police and tell them why you know so much about the dealing world.
JAZ: Nice one. Yeah. Give me something to write on, then.
#End Extract#

From: J. Zeer
To: S. Zeer
I just realised – I told someone about Alan’s family. It’s got to be all over the colony.
He’s going to kill me if he finds out, isn’t he? He really is. I guess I just have to hope he doesn’t find out. Jeez.
But I needed to explain. You know? You get that, right? Like when you… You’ve told Casey about our father, haven’t you? ‘Cause if you’re serious about him… I know, I can’t nag you about it, but… Sorry.
Fucking secrets. Makes you wish for someone who just… knew. Makes you wish telepaths were real, yeah? Maybe not. Maybe just wish we could fuck each other instead of bothering with other people.
My God, I actually just wrote that…
Blame it on the three hours getting interrogated. Whoopee.
I’m sorry. I just hate dealing with this shit, and right now I just feel tainted, and I shouldn’t be dumping this on you, but who else is going to take it?
Don’t bother replying to this, all right? It’ll be over by the time you do.
Don’t worry.
Jim

Dan was still mightily confused by the conduct of this atypical pupil of hers. He had seemed at first to be perfectly normal, if a little more withdrawn than normal for this personable colony. Cautious about getting involved. Nervous about being in such a new situation. Possibly feeling a little inferior, as a mere minimum-wage worker finding himself thrust into a high-intellect group. Learning Nav was never easy, less so under these pressured conditions. Teaching it… She had to try very hard to appear confident in front of her group and her colleagues. But she managed.
He had shown himself, now, to be tremendously layered. How anyone with significant trauma in their background had passed the psych tests so well – and she had checked his files, and there had been no indication whatsoever of this deep need for revenge – she could not quite comprehend. Her tests had been verging on borderline merely because of her insecurity. He, on the other hand, passed with flying colours. He had passed almost too well. She would keep an eye on this man, she decided. A close eye.
It wasn’t like it would be a hardship for her – he wasn’t too uncute.

T minus two years, two months, one week

From: J. Zeer
To: A. Jeffers
Sorry for yelling at you, man, but you know I’m not that stupid.
In other news… well, there is no other news, which probably means I’m settling into a routine, which is meant to be a good thing, except I can’t see it as that because you know what happens every time I get optimistic.
Hey, remember I told you about the tutor? She was looking at me today. Like, looking. Like… she scares me. Really. She’s a bit too predatory for my tastes. And she was definitely looking at me.
Anyway… don’t be mad at me. Please. I need a voice of sanity, and what, I’m going to get that from Frank? or Sam? I think not.
The Archangel has apparently disowned me. What a shame.
Jim

T minus two years, two months, five days

From: S. Tellegrin
To: J. Zeer
Re: Mrs R.A. Keller
The assistant entrusted with your letter reported the following responses:
At the first paragraph: “Christy”
At the mention of the barmaid: a laugh
S.W.T.

From: J. Zeer
To: S. Zeer
Sammy,
Do you remember who Christy was? Apparently that was Gran’s response to a comment of mine about decorating my room here. Though maybe it was to do with her going into that home.
I’m worried about her there.
You think you could make it up to visit her at some point? ‘Cause Mom’s got to be hassling you for a trip up, and if you do go, it would be nice for the old lady to see you. Not trying to guilt you, or anything – if I was doing that to anyone, it would be Mom, seeing as she’s her only child, for christ’s sake… um. Yeah. Sorry. Just, you know, when it gets to her time, Mom will be complaining if we’re not rotating daily visits…. Hey! Hey! I get out of it!
I shouldn’t be this glad of it, should I?
Oh shit. I’m starting to see where Mom is coming from on the “not wanting to visit” front. Dammit! I’m not supposed to agree with her!
Oh, and that sounded so much better…
I think I’ll end this before I dig myself any deeper.
Jim

T minus two years, two months, three days

#Announcement: Fifteen people have been expelled from the colony on being found guilty of dealing in illegal substances. Citizens are encouraged to report any illegal activity to the police force.#

You must be happy, Jim.
Guess so. It’s not so much happy as… glad.
I didn’t realise there was a difference.
You don’t have a writer in your family, do you?
Well, no. Do you?
My grandmother. She used to tell us all about the subtle differences in meaning between synonyms, and the connotations of words, and how phrasing could be used to change the meaning, and… yeah. She practically raised me and my younger brother for a few years.
Really? Why was that?
Uh, no offence, Dan, but that’s kinda… involved. I’d rather not get into it.
Oh. Sorry.
No, don’t be, it’s not a problem you asking, it’s just that it takes explaining, and… you know how it goes.
Yeah. Sure. Listen, I have to go, but I’ll see you in class, right?
Yeah. Sure.

From: J. Zeer
To: Mrs R.A. Keller
Dear Gran,
I started telling someone about you today, but then I mentioned that you looked after me and Sam, and I didn’t want to explain why. I realised that I never really thanked you for that – I think it did a lot to make me the person I am today. That’s probably a good thing, in case you were wondering.
Oh, you’ll never guess… I was reading an interview with the first officer the other day, and he listed you as one of his favourite authors! How weird is that? I mean, not that your work isn’t great, but it just seemed odd that he mentioned you and I know you and… yeah, is there any way to get out of this hole? Every letter I write…
The person I was telling about you. Dan. My tutor in Navigation. She’s very pretty, but I’m not interested in her – she’s a little too forward for my tastes. I’m not looking for casual relationships here.
Can I ask about you and your husband? I just… would like to know, if that’s all right. I know it’s hard for you to answer, but if you could focus enough to give me a little info – why you never remarried, or even tried afterwards, perhaps?
Love,
Jim

T minus two years, two months, one day

From: A. Jeffers
To: J. Zeer
I don’t hate you.
I can’t hate you. I’m not fucking well allowed to, remember? Idiot.
Oh, but me. A “voice of sanity”. Can I have whatever drugs they’re giving you? I’d do them so much more justice than you ever could.
I have news. Dear innocent little Kathy is getting married. Join me in shouting “what the fuck?!” These are two things that do not go together…
I’ve met the guy in question, and he seems to be all right. Didn’t even flinch when I shook his hand.
What sort of a person am I that I have only that one criterion?
Oh, don’t do it Alan, don’t let yourself go there…
Man, I miss having you around. It’s not the same writing to you like this. But what the hell. You’re living a lot better than I am.
Tell me. You seen anyone there who isn’t A1 physically? Honestly, man. Tell me.
Nothing else to tell you. Finalising essay is two inches from being done, though, so once I’m through with that I’ll be hitting the town. Won’t be the same without you.
Alan

T minus two years, one month, three weeks, six days

From: Mrs M. Zeer
To: J. Zeer
Hello, son,
Just checking in, since you apparently don’t even care enough to pretend you want to know about my life. I do like hearing about how you’re doing, though, since you are living in interesting times.
Please refrain from criticising me, however obliquely you may do it. While I prefer bluntness, I can appreciate subtlety – I am my mother’s daughter in that, at the very least.
Perhaps one day you will understand me a little better. Until then, I remain
Your mother
Mary K. Zeer

T minus two years, one month, three weeks, four days

From: S. Zeer
To: J. Zeer
Hey.
Don’t worry about Alan.
I hadn’t told Casey, but I have now, and he’s still here, so that’s cool.
Thanks for kicking me into it. It needed to be done.
I agree with you about the secrets, man, but I would never fuck you. Though I’d be even less likely to do the others.
About Gran – I’m not sure, but I think Christy might have been her friend from high school. Don’t trust me on that, but…
Ooh, man, you heard about that Colombian coffee you like so much? Company got bought out. I guess you’ll either have to lift your boycott or give up coffee. Honestly, Jim, I know there are people that boycott one or other of the parent companies, but you’re the only one I know who refuses to buy either of them. Give it up, man.
You hate me now, don’t you? Just for the glee I wrote that last para with.
I laugh at you all the time, bro. I thought you knew that by now.
Sam
P.S. Every time you use the diminutive, I use another thing from my list of ways to make you pay. Just so you know. S.

From: J. Zeer
To: F. Zeer
Talk to me, man.
I’m bored.
Seonaid, eh? If it still is… You’re supposed to be a little closer to settling down at your age, bro. But since when did “supposed to” fit anyone but Mike? Sam told me about the cut-off, by the way.
Shit. You’re not…. Frankie… Shit. You are, aren’t you?
C’mon, I’m sorry I only wrote to you the once, but I was busy, and… shit. Tell me I’m wrong, man. Tell me I’m wrong.
Jim

T minus two years, one month, three weeks

From: S. Tellegrin
To: J. Zeer
Re: Mrs R.A. Keller
The assistant entrusted with your letter reported the following responses:
At the first sentence: “pancakes”
At the end of the first paragraph: “wasn’t” and a smile
At the second paragraph: another smile and a head-shake
At the third paragraph: “colonial”
At the fourth paragraph: “discussions one”
S.W.T.

From: L. Lockridge
To: J. Zeer
Hi,
I feel like I kind of know you, since I read your letters for Mrs Keller, and I remember meeting you once or twice on your visits here. I’m the assistant who reports the responses that SWT sends you, in case you hadn’t guessed.
I was just wondering if you realised what the last response referred to – I was looking up her file and I saw that one of her books is titled “Topics of Discussion”, and when I looked into it the first short story was about a marriage, so I’m assuming that was what it meant… I could be totally wrong, of course, but I get the feeling maybe… And you probably got that anyway, so I’m sorry for disturbing you.
It’s way cool that you’re on Santa Maria, by the way. And if you don’t mind, I’ll keep reading to Mrs Keller – keep it a constant for her. She’s a lot nicer than some of the old bats in here.
Lucy L.

From: J. Zeer
To: L. Lockridge
Hi Lucy,
It’s nice to hear from you. I hadn’t actually made the connection to her book, though I hope I would have given time. I went to get it out of the library here, but it seems that all her books are on loan since the first officer named her as a favourite author – the things some people will do to suck up to their superiors.
I’d be glad if you could keep reading my letters to her. Maybe you could talk to her a little as well? I don’t want to ask too much, but I do feel quite guilty about leaving her in the lurch like this – I’ve been her only visitor for too long.My younger brother may be coming up to visit at some point in the near future – I don’t know, though.
Thanks a lot for looking after her.
James

T minus two years, one month, two weeks, six days

Jim walked out of his room and into the kitchen practically on autopilot, allowing muscle memory to guide him the kitchen. He reached into his cupboard, and startled when his hand closed on empty air. Looking intently at the contents, he couldn’t find his jar of coffee, and in his uncaffeinated state it took him some long moments to remember that it was now forbidden. As such, it had been pushed to the very back of the top shelf – a highly awkward position, but not entirely inaccessible. He pulled it out, opened the top, and breathed the emitted fumes longingly. The mere scent was enough to trigger a reaction, and he inhaled deeply, almost able to taste the bitterness in the back of his throat as the richness filled his lungs. It was only coffee, he thought, and he had already bought it, and surely going cold turkey wasn’t the best thing to do… He inhaled again, desperate for the caffeine hit that the drink would bring but almost satisfied with simply the aroma of the pure dark beans. He wanted it so badly… Greedy gasping breaths of coffee-scented air, panting with the need for just one cup, just one drink of the bitter fluid to start his day off so perfectly… He lowered the jar, sighed, and placed it back in the cupboard. He was strong.

From: J. Zeer
To: S. Zeer
I hate you.
Does it still count if the coffee was bought before the company was taken over?
Oh, shit, Sammy, tell me it was a hostile take-over. Please.
I really, really hate you.
The nurse that reads my letters to Gran wrote to me. I wrote back, told her you might be visiting. She sounds nice.
You heard from either of the others lately? I mean, I know we’re not all that close, but I haven’t, and I get a little antsy when I think I’m the black sheep. I mean, I know I am, and I know Mikey hates me, but I thought Frankie was still OK with me. And you are never getting rid of me because you have far too much fun taunting me with my ethics.
I can’t give up coffee, I just can’t, I need the caffeine far too much. Though I know, I know that it doesn’t do anything but get you over withdrawal that you wouldn’t have if you’d never started in the first place so you don’t need to start your clean-living crap spiel at me, all right?
Oh, lookee, I’m getting cranky. I need a coffee.
Oh wait, that’s right, I can’t.
Bastard.
Jim

T minus two years, one month, two weeks, three days

From: F. Zeer
To: J. Zeer
I don’t hate you, but I don’t want to fall out with Michael either – especially since he’s going to be around a lot longer than you are. I know that sounds bad, but honestly, Jimmy. We were never the best of friends in the first place. It was me and Mike against you and Sam, even before you got sent off, so… I like you, man, and I’m proud of what you’re doing, but I’m not going up against Michael over it.
I’m sorry.
Frank

Hey, Jim. Haven’t seen you in a while.
Hey, Maggie. Had some stuff on my mind. And things here were getting too good, if you see what I mean. Whisky.
Yeah. Not so good now, huh? Here.
I have three brothers. I just got disowned by the second.
Second brother, or second disowning?
The latter. The first disowning was the second brother, and vice-versa.
Ouch.
No shit.
So, what? You going to keep trying?
Nah. We’re leaving soon enough.
You sure? It’s no good cutting yourself off.
I have one brother left. And my mother doesn’t really like me, and my gran’s crazy in a home, and her nurse is writing to me, and I have people here, and that’s it.
That’s really shitty.
Oh, what. Like you have a life outside here.
That’s not very nice, Jim.
No. It’s not. Can I have another drink now?

T minus two years, one month, two weeks

From: J. Zeer
To: A. Jeffers
Hope you had a nice drunk – guess the fact you haven’t told me about it yet means it was a good one.
Both Michael and Frank have disowned me. Just so you know, if you run into anyone.
And that lead to me going to the bar and pissing off curvy Maggie.
I am an idiot.
Anyway, that’s all from me.
Kathy. Engaged. What is the world coming to?
Jim

From: J. Zeer
To: S. Zeer
You are now my only brother.
I guess I can’t hate you any more. Goddamnit.
Also, I totally fucked up any chance I may have had with the barmaid. Oh well. The only thing she had going for her was her body.
Can you tell I’m feeling bitter?
God, I need caffeine.
I still hate you. I’ve decided. But it’s a hate in the way that’s not, so you’re still my brother. You were my favourite anyway, you know.
Jim