Title: Sin - Discuss.
Author: kbk
Claimer: Opinions stated herein... may well be my own.

Hello, I’m Dr Andress. Will you tell me your name?

No. My name is unimportant.

Well, I at least need something that I can call you.

Why? Do you see anyone else here? I don’t.

What about the files? We need you on record.

Call me John Smith. Call me Harriet Montrose. Call me Sawney Bean. Call me Anonymous 326. It doesn’t make any difference to me.

Sawney Bean, is that your name?

No, he was the patriarch of a family of cannibals in Galloway.

Oh.

They inbred and ate people, until a small army caught them. Then they were executed.

Oh.

It’s a shame for them.

Why?

Well, people should be more accepting of alternative lifestyles.

We should accept cannibalism?

It’s not like they were hurting anyone.

Apart from the people they ate, and their families.

Apart from them.

Is this man a hero of yours, then?

No, I don’t go around sleeping with my nearest and dearest and making human stew! I don’t have a barn full of human skulls and a scythe that I sharpen in readiness for Armageddon, either.

I don’t understand.

You wouldn’t.

Why not?

It’s a private joke.

I see. And who else knows this private joke?

Nobody. It’s private.

I see. What’s the point of that?

Does there have to be a point?

Perhaps we should move on. Why are you here?

The police brought me. In a car with flashing sounds and lights.

Don’t you mean flashing lights and sounds?

No.

OK. Why did they bring you here?

Because they wanted to.

Why did they want to?

I don’t know. Maybe their parents dropped them on their heads when they were little.

Where did they meet you?

In ancient Babylon. No, that’s not it… Walking along the side of a road.

And what did they do?

They pulled up beside me in their car, and asked me where I was going.

What did you tell them?

Hell.

Why are you going to hell?

Because I’m a sinner.

So, what did they say to that?

They asked why I was going to hell, and I told them I was a sinner, and they asked what I’d done, and I reminded them of the concept of original sin.

That means we’re all sinners.

Yes, it does.

So, we’re all going to hell.

That’s correct.

Let’s backtrack a little. Why did the police pull up beside you?

They have a prejudice about Goths.

So you were just walking along the road?

Yes.

Which road?

The M8.

Pedestrians aren’t allowed on motorways.

That might be why the police decided to talk to me.

You just said they’re prejudiced against Goths.

They are.

Why do you say that?

Because it’s true.

Why are they prejudiced?

Because everyone is in one way or another, and they’re establishment, so they’re prejudiced that way and lots of other ways too.

Isn’t it possible that that is just a prejudice of your own?

It’s incredibly possible, even probable.

OK.

Are you all right, Dr Andress? You look tired.

I’ve been working.

So have I.

What do you work as?

I am a prophet of the Lord.

What’s it like?

Well, the money sucks but the perks are fantastic.

What perks?

Eternal salvation.

I see. You don’t need to be a prophet to be saved, though.

Maybe. Maybe not. But I think of it as an insurance policy.

Why do you need an insurance policy?

Because I have sinned.

In what way have you sinned?

I told you already, original sin. If I do nothing, then I go to hell.

So, am I going to hell?

Have you ever truly believed in God?

I do.

Then I guess not.

If believing in God saves you from hell, why do you need to be a prophet?

Because I don’t believe in God.

Oh.

Dr Andress, just sit back and relax and I’ll explain.

OK.

Sin can’t exist unless religion does. Sin comes directly from religion. To examine sin, you have to examine religion first. When I talk about religion, I’m talking about Christianity, because it’s the only one I know much about. I believe all religions are flawed, but Christianity in particular. There’s one God. Why the Holy Trinity? Oh yeah, comfort the pagans who’ve been forcibly converted. Christianity is the laws of God. God is infinite, immortal, impotent… Ha! Omnipotent. Has anyone ever told you that power corrupts? And absolute power corrupts absolutely. Omnipotence is power over everything – you do know that, right? Of course you do. God, if He even exists, is omniscient, watching over us, knowing our secret hearts… Mine are under the floorboards in the scullery. He knows. Again, if He exists. The Bible is the word of God interpreted by men, according to the guys that wrote it. Look at any cult you want, they’ve got a leader who has interpreted the words of their God. If the words say “Give your leader everything you possess then set yourself on fire” and the leader is persuasive enough, then they will do it. So, taking the hypothesis that the Bible is in fact the words of men, possibly madmen – I mean, hearing voices in your head could be divine inspiration or it could be schizophrenia!

Schizophrenia’s getting quite trendy now.

Yeah, disturbing isn’t it? Anyway, if the Bible is the work of men, that explains quite a bit. The stuff about homosexuals – the guy who wrote that bit was a homophobic freak. At one point, it says not to allow a witch to live. Let’s go kill Donna! Girl I know, does spells. It is only in there because Wicca is a rival religion, let’s get rid of the competition. It also says a lot about false prophets, so anyone who disagrees with the guys writing the Bible is condemned as a false prophet and the Lord will take vengeance on him. That’s another thing – very male-centric. To get back to the point, if the Bible is the work of men, then we can explain sin. It’s a control mechanism. Put the fear of God into the paying public, and they’ll keep coming back to church to ask forgiveness and salvation. They’ll put money in the collection plate, buy sacrifices and look up to the priests. If there wasn’t any sin, there wouldn’t be any religious guilt. Guilt is a fairly potent force by itself, but guilt and religion combined…

Wow.

Exactly. It’s mind-blowing!

Why does sin feel wrong, though?

Indoctrination. Right and wrong are drilled into us from birth. OK, I’ll give you murder and that, but that’s crime. Crime and sin are so entangled. Adultery was a crime because it was a sin and the rulers were religious. The law is flawed. But religion is more flawed, and at least the flaws in the law you can argue with. Religion lays it down on tablets of stone. Crime is an offence against a system that everyone knows was created by men. The law is not infallible. But sin is an offence against the ineffable, the quite possibly non-existent, the… I accept that we all need to believe in something, I just don’t accept that religion is it. Believe in a god if you like, believe in science, believe in evolution – one of my friends doesn’t believe in evolution, it’s impossible to argue with him. That’s what religion does. It takes away the capacity for reason in that area, the only thing that makes us human. And now scientists are saying animals can reason as well, I suppose the only thing we’ve got that does separate us is religion and sin. If it’s a choice between human with sin or animal without, I’d go for the animal any day of the week and twice on a Sunday!

So what do you plan to do about it?

Kill everyone. Or myself. Or just do nothing. I haven’t decided yet.

How would you kill everyone?

Have you heard of nuclear holocaust?

Like you could make that happen.

Not hard. A little hacking, false radar echoes, retaliation strike, retaliation strike from the ones they thought fired in the first place, the other countries with nuclear capabilities decide to join in the party and everybody dies.

The hacking would be a big job.

Shows what you know. I suppose biological warfare would be easier, but there’s always the danger of some smart-ass scientist spoiling things.

I thought you liked scientists.

I prefer them to priests, but that’s not hard. Priests, ministers, rabbis and gurus are the scum of the earth. Priests especially, I mean, celibacy and love children. Note that it’s celibacy, not chastity. Celibacy just means you don’t get married, and since you’re supposed to be chaste until married, it’s assumed to mean the same thing. But nowadays, how many people are chaste at marriage? And in the olden days, maybe the rich girls were, but I don’t see the boys controlling themselves, and if the young master wants her, the servant girl can hardly say no.

You’re a bit of a feminist, aren’t you?

Next you’ll be asking if I’m homosexual.

Are you?

Does it matter? I believe all people are equal.

But you said priests are the scum of the earth.

Talking about them as a profession, not as people.

I don’t understand.

A vegetarian could be friends with a butcher while hating the job they did.

I don’t think so.

Why not?

We’re supposed to be talking about you.

I’m bored of talking about me.

Why?

I’m a boring person.

I don’t think you are.

You only just met me. I’ve given you my soapbox spiel and now I don’t have anything to say.

Really?

Well, I could drone on about films and TV and books and the song in my head…

What is it?

I’m not sure. I think there’s actually a couple of lines from a cheesy pop song and a couple of lines from a heavy metal song, and it’s strange how easily they segue into each other. I try to write music but I’m not at all good at it.

Why do you think that is?

Because I’m practically tone-deaf?

Oh.

Just because you’re paranoid…

I’m not.

Oh. I thought you were the sort to be paranoid. You’ve never thought that people were talking about you? I have. Thought they were talking about you, that is. Is that transferred paranoia or something like that? That would be quite interesting.

Yes, it would.

Can you prompt me a bit more? I’m starting to lose momentum again.

Why did the police bring you here?

Because they thought I was mad.

Why did they think you were mad?

Because I told them I was going to hell, when what they meant, was where are you walking. The English language is far too ambiguous.

If you knew what they meant, why did you answer that way?

I have a habit of deliberately misunderstanding people.

Why?

Why does anyone have any habit? Why do some people smoke cigarettes? Why do some people bite their nails? Why do some people go to church every Sunday?

You really have a thing about religion, don’t you?

Yes, I do, I think it’s ridiculous and I tell that to everyone I get the chance to tell it to.

Why?

Why not?

I asked you first.

You’ve been doing a lot of asking.

That’s my job.

Well, my job is done. I’ve told you.

Oh, yes, you’re a prophet of the Lord. How can you be a prophet if you don’t believe in the Lord?

Do you know what politicians are?

That’s different.

Have you read “1984”?

What about it?

Doublethink. Easy.

Doublethink is just a concept; it doesn’t really work.

Just because you can’t do it. You’re far too sensible. I bet that’s what you always were, the sensible one. The responsible one. We can trust Andress to stop them getting into trouble.

What?

Oh, never mind then.

No, tell me what you were trying to do.

I was trying to needle you. There’s nothing sensible people hate more than being called sensible, because they like to think they’re independent and zany.

Is that right?

It’s a hypothesis of mine.

Like the whole sin thing.

I say it’s a hypothesis, but it’s obviously right.

What makes you say that?

Were you even listening to me? I’m not talking to you any more.

S… What’s your name again? You could at least tell me your name. Oh, that’s right, you’re not talking to me. Well, I’ll come back in a while and see if you’ve tired of this little game. I’ll see you later. Or actually, I’ll send in a colleague to talk to you. Will you talk to him? Christ! I tried.