Chapter One; Torn Right, due to a combination of Christmas, illness and absinthe, this review is being written rather later than it – ah sure, you know all that. Anyway, we’ve come to the first episode of a new story, and… Oh dear. Well, first thing’s first. Humour’s a very subjective thing. Doctor Who has relied for forty years on its natural wit and whimsy, not on its strangeness and sitcom characters. Here, the authors try too hard to cultivate the fun of the programme; as a result, they ultimately fail. Whilst many of the individual ideas are interesting, the prose betrays so much of what the story promised. There’s a feeling of strangeness for strangeness’ sake: teashops, Battenburg and little old ladies with knitting needles are all very well, but what do the authors actually have to say? The only character that makes any real impact in the story is the policeman, Humba. A perfect pantomime portrayal of the ordinary man caught up in all this unpleasantness, he wants only to lead a quiet life, without getting involved in the Doctor’s adventures. Unfortunately he lives in a world one could combine perfectly with Confessions of a Window Cleaner-style sexual innuendo. This is a story informed by endless Channel Five repeats of British films from the seventies, the authors it seems desperately trying to sum up the feeling of that seaside postcard culture. Despite the claim that Vera is based upon Miriam Margoyles (sic), I kept expecting her to wander in and complain that she couldn’t find her pussy. What presents itself as the biggest disappointment of all is the fact that in the sequence that the authors do try to take seriously, that of nick and Cy, they get it sooo wrong as to be unbelievable to regular readers. Whether a fault of the authors or editors I don’t know, but Nick being entirely in love with Alf in the last story, then going home with a man (?!) in this story is ridiculous. I’ve always said in these reviews that authors should write what they know, but that only applies when it fits the story – trying to crowbar a gay character in by using our formerly straight lead shows a distinct lack of understanding of The Legacy universe. However, it’s not all bad. The oddness is ever-present, but some of it worked: “I’d like to say it happens all the time but in all my travels through time and space this is the very first time I’ve ever been mistaken for someone called Barry.” is funny, and: “ ‘Oh bugger,’ Alf muttered. ‘Bugger indeed, madam,’ Waterguard Humba said.” falls just the right side of tweeness. However, overall Echoes presents itself as some kind of Carry On comedy of manners where a policeman hilariously misunderstands Alf’s claim that the Doctor is not interested in women, and we all go home and have buttered scones for tea. There’s a difference between not being too serious and not taking it seriously; I mean, look: “A presence, science could not deny existing within, outside maybe behind the latitude of his human mind.” Somebody somewhere is quite clearly taking the piss. It’s a shame because underneath it all, there’s a fairly promising Doctor Who adventure: an uncomplicated one perhaps, but still a genuine idea. Nick being linked to the creature somehow is a neat little suggestion, as is "The Romans" style of storytelling with the TARDIS crew always just missing each other – something which could have been played upon more to create the whimsical atmosphere Hunt and Hart so much desire, instead of repetitive lines about toast. But… the planet Bros??! It wasn’t meant to be a joke in Nightmare of Eden – why does it feel like it is here…? Poor. Chapter Two; Should've Kept My Eyes Shut Well now. A return to the world where the word “bugger” provides endless amusement. It’s better than the last Chapter, leaving behind most of the awful toast and eggs stuff (most of it!), and focusing on the plot a bit more. There’s some promising stuff on display again, although much of it has been done before in Doctor Who – the Protii is reminiscent of the Nestene Consciousness from Spearhead from Space (tentacle in a jar communicating with a collective mind), although the use of Nick as a conduit between the various Protii is lovely, and puts our hero into some real danger. The best idea of the Chapter is that of the world changing around the Doctor and Alf, and their confusion as they come to realise this. Similar to "The Romans" style structure of the last Chapter, much more should have been made of this instead of all the forced whimsy stuff. The notion that something is changing events is sorely underused, ‘cos it’s great, if a little "Ancestor Cell"-ish at times. The only problem is, when the Doctor queries the doctor’s surgery’s and the casino’s very existence, it comes so completely out of the blue as to almost be from a different story. Again, with more planning, this could have been introduced and taken advantage of so much better – the entire chapter should have focused on this, giving us little hints of things that have changed throughout, so we, the reader, begin to suspect before the Doctor tells us. Nick and Alf again act completely out of character – Nick thinking he has to tell Alf that he loves her, something he has actually been doing for the past three or four stories (remember their mind link thing in The Collector?). At times it feels the authors haven’t read any of the previous stories to know what’s going on with the characters, although I doubt they’d be writing a story like this if they hadn’t! Oh, and by the way, the enemy is an evil since the dawn of time. About the third one this season then. Although quite why when the characters have an argument about Nick for “a few minutes” in the presence of Vera, and Cy shouts “Nick!” and Nick comes into the room, quite why Vera says, “who are you?” is not explained. Some of the individual lines are genuinely funny this time round: “You gave me the bones of a creature so ancient and powerful it will enable me to achieve everything I want to, and all the time you thought we were breeding tropical fish.” Although others are excruciating: “Ooh Doctor, what is Cy doing to your poor Nick” At least stick a question mark at the end! Some other fun stuff stood out: I loved the box with a big red light on it that Humba uses, because it felt like Doctor Who on the telly, which is something true of this entire chapter – it feels like Doctor Who was on the telly. Most of the action takes place in about two rooms, with a bit of running about outside; and the monster is a tentacle in a jar, which has been done in the series with ease. What’s the point of trying to write like a forty-year-old television programme though? This is an entirely different medium in an entirely different age, and you can’t write one into the other. Why not try something original and take the characters somewhere? Another thing that tries too much to be like the television programme causes structural problems. This chapter has an absolutely great cliffhanger: the Protii breaks out of its tank and wraps a tentacle around Nick, shouting its catchphrase as it goes. Unfortunately we are then treated to another half a page of action culminating in three Protii standing in front of Alf and Humba, slightly menacing them in the secondary plotline. Why didn’t it end on the scary bit where we actually want to know what happens next? Although that said, quite how Humba knows how to escape from a telepathic monster is a mystery that must be followed up. I definitely want to know the answer to that one. I’m really trying to find something good to say about this story – it isn’t as bad as this review probably makes it sound. Congratulations to the authors for at lease trying to be like Doctor Who, and including Doctor Who in the story: something which other authors could take note of. Some of the prose is actually quite lovely, describing the destruction of the various buildings and suchlike; but it just seems that Messrs Hart and Hunt are not born authors (or at least, not together). It’s all a bit simple and obvious, and it’s rather unfortunate that it follows Richard Dinnick’s story whose name I forget, although I think it was The Best Story of the Season. At least it’s not bogged down with continuity! Chapter Three; Bridge Over Troubled Water I don’t quite know how much previous writing experience these authors have, but they definitely seem to be improving as the story goes on. Their actual prose style seems to have more depth now than back in Chapter One, the words becoming much more interesting to read. It just shows how much practicing writing improves you no end. First of all, the death of Humba is great! Devoured by the Protii and removed from time, the sequence is described really quite wonderfully, and stands out as one of the most memorable moments of this season. I had been thinking that it had been one moment when the authors deviate from the televised Doctor Who structure they had so far used, in that on telly the actor would surely have died at the end of the last episode to save paying him for this one too (!), but he comes back at the end, and it’s fantastically written anyway. They’ve obviously been watching "Nightmare of Eden" though. It was clear all the way back at the start, through the use of the various planets from that story; but now Fisk and Costa turn up (Fisk in particular is most definitely Geoff Hinsliff! (although perhaps someone should tell him that Galactic Salvage went out of business twenty years ago!)), and Vera complains that her house was stolen by “some bugger with a CET machine”!! Another instance of continuity appearing in stories for no apparent reason, but it’s not played on to any great extent, and the whimsical focus of the story probably allows it a lot more easily than in a more serious tale. As well as the surprise appearance of Geoff Hinsliff, the authors also try very hard to capture that nervous enthusiasm that only Cyril Shaps can contain, and they do so rather well. I love Shaps in all of his Doctor Who appearances – he’s sort of the perfect character-actor guest star, and no one can play that character better than Himself. You’d think he was there when they were writing it, giving them notes on his performance. The only trouble is, he doesn’t appear that much when compared to Margoyles! Cy comes across as the proper bastard of the adventure (‘Sorry sweetheart,’ Cy whispered. ‘I make out with people I hate. I make love with people I like. Sometimes I just need to have some fun.’), so much so that you’d almost think he was based on someone. If Xoanon has any lawyers, Hart and Hunt want to start getting worried. I’m not sure you can legally suggest the things they suggest about him in this country without being locked up… The Alf and Nick thread gets increasingly strange, with them suddenly realising they are in love with each other after all. One thing that’s becoming increasingly clear throughout this story is how wrongly it is place din the season. Coming after The Mirror... or The Collector as story three or four it would entwine perfectly with the ongoing plot, to make more sense overall; here it’s so out of place as to be ridiculous, the characters regressing back months in their relationship. Still, at least he Doctor’s reaction to their love is appropriate, a genuinely Doctorly moment, something other stories have lacked. We again get some humour that just plain isn’t funny – the worst offender being the “DNA Buggerer line”. Twee, obvious and shallow to the core, there’s no need for it. A bit of authorly indulgence can be tolerated at the proof stage, but the editors should’ve sorted that one out. At times it seems like you’re watching one of those Leslie Nielson films where they fire off sooo many jokes in an hour and a half that at least a few of them must be funny. Still, the entire thing is saved by the genius of the line, “How about Connect Four?” from Vera, which I’m still laughing at about an hour later. It just has nothing to do with what they were taking about a second before and shows Vera pretending to understand their conversation. Genius. Overall Not the best story of the season, but then again it was never going to be. Some of the actual prose is rather good, especially toward the end of the story, and I’d quite like a more serious story from the pair in future. Freed from the shackles of forced whimsy and “comedy” (something Doctor Who rarely attempted, as opposed to wit, which it did), I could see them producing some good work; though the complexity of plotting is almost non-existent here, despite some wonderful ideas about rewriting time that remain unbuilt upon. A bit more planning in future, and let the plot fill the space currently occupied by artificial madness. And make sure you know how the ongoing season threads are developing! Shows promise.