Oh boy, thought that the last installment was to be THE last, IN YOUR DREAMS!! Well, Hound is totally obsessed with Bloodclot, who had developed split personality. Although Megatron was found, our heroes seem to be held hostage by some pissed off Predacons. On with the fic…

Vomita: Primus, Diarrhea’s dead! How are we gonna get outta here!

Cyclonus: Beats the hell out of me.

Cyclonus is climbing out of a plot hole.

All: HI CYCLONUS!

Urinia: Where did you come from?

Cyclonus: Plot hole. Those things are everywhere. Didn’t you read the damn script?

Vomita: Sorry, we’re a little busy here concerning the CENTER OF OUR UNIVERSE IS DEAD!

Galvatron: If I can be of some service…

Sweep 1: And me.

Urinia: What can YOU do?

Galvatron: We can bring her back. We need to have Megatron declare that she is the love of his life.

Vomita: How? He’s still in a coma?

Sweep: How can he be in a---never mind!

Thundercracker: Better question. How can YOU and ME exist…aw, fuck it!

Pepto-Bismol: At last! G1 Megs is mine! Now I shall be the Mary Sue for both Generation 1 and Beast Wars! The Universe is MIIINNNE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Inferno: Wow. So damn cute.

G1 Cons: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Pepto-Bismol: All I will have to do…is kiss Megatron, and I shall be VICTORIOUS!

Soundwave: HEY! Why does it have to be Megatron?

Scavenger: Yeh! Kiss one of us, for a change!

Dinobot: No! Kiss US!

G1 Con dudes: US!

Preds: US!

G1 Cons: US!!

An ugly-looking fight erupts between the 2 factions.

Pepto-Bismol: *GIGGLE* Oh, stop it, STOP IT! (to the chicks) They’re fighting over me.

Urinia: No shit.

Pepto: Now why that is going on, I shall make preparations for my TOTAL CONQUEST!

*trumpet fanfare*

Vomita: Shit! If Pepto kisses Megatron, he’ll be under her spell, and we’ll never get outta here!

Urinia: What are we gonna DO?

Meanwhile:

Chromia: Come on, Ellie May! We gotta save your sisters!

Alita-1: CHROMIA! What is the meaning of this? You’re sneaking around with a DECEPTICON?

Ellie May: Alita, please! We love each other!

Alita-1: HUH??!

Chromia: Yes, it started a long time ago…love knows no difference between Autobot and Decepticon.

Bloodclot: Haven’t I heard that before?

Alita-1: Argh…very well. I knew love would someday cross boundaries. Just like it did with me and Megatron.

All: HUH?!

Alita-1: Uh-oh.

Chromia: When did THAT happen?

Alita: Fuck. Uh…around the time the Seekers started that Primus-awful barbershop trio.

Skywarp pokes his head out of a plothole.

Warp: HEY! We’re not that bad! We just signed our first record deal!

Thundercracker: Yeh. Do wop, be bop.

Warp and Starscream: Do Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

(crickets chirp)

Chromia: O…K…

Starscream: Hey Ellie May! What are YOU doing here?

Skywarp: All RIGHT! Lesbo action!

Alita: How many times to we have to tell you idiots, we are ANDROGYNOUS!

Thundercracker: Then why do you chicks have such large knockers?

Chicks: GET OUTTA HERE!

Screamer: All right, all right, sheeze…

Moonracer comes running in with a load of pictures.

Moonracer: Alita! Alita! I just caught Optimus Prime sucking face with…

All: WHO?!

Moonracer: Primus…it’s so horrid…I NEVER thought Prime would do such a thing!

All: WHO?!

Moonracer: *SOB* Alita, I’m so…

*WHAP*

Moonracer: Sorry. It’s…IRONHIDE!

All: HUH?

Moonracer: See for yourself! (holds up picture of Prime getting it on with Ironhide, Prime getting it on with Alita, Alita getting it on with Ironhide, Ironhide getting it on with Chromia, Chromia getting it on with Ellie May, Ellie May getting it on with Ramjet, Ramjet getting it on with a mechanical bull…)

Firestar: Holy shit!

Alita and Chromia: WAAAAAAAAAA!

Ellie May: Why are YOU crying, love?

Chromia: I never thought Ironhide would cheat on me!

Ellie May: But YOU’RE cheating on HIM with ME.

Chromia: Oh yeah.

In the Ark, a very agitated Prime paces the corridors.

Optimus Prime: There’s something that is bothering me, Ironhide. I believe that Alita is cheating on me.

Ironhide: Leaking lubricants, Prime! Whatever gave you that idea?

Prime: These. (he holds up photos of Alita getting it on with a very familiar Decepticon leader.)

Ironhide: Not bad, has she seen these? (hold up photos of him and Prime getting it on)

Prime: Shit…

Speaking of those crazy Autobots, Hound refuses to give up on Bloodclot.

Hound: Blood, PLEASE! Whatever it is you want me to do, I’ll do it.

Bloodclot: I’m sorry, Hound. There are forces in this universe beyond our control that will never let us be at one.

Hound: Where the hell did you get THAT?

Bloodclot: Sorry, Guiding Light’s on.

Hound: It’s because I’m impotent, right?

Bloodclot: No, no, I…you’re IMPOTENT?

Hound: Don’t you remember? When we first came here and I had to fight Rumble at the bottom of the river? He punched me in the nuts! (watch MTMTE part 2, it really happens!)

Hound: Besides, sweetie. I have heard a lot about this wonderful new product the fleshies like so much, Viagra!

Bloodclot: Holy shit…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Hound: what is it?

Bloodclot: I don’t know myself anymore. What is happening to me?

Bloodclot2: Hell if I know!

Bloodclot: AAH! I must kill you!

Bloodclot tries to kill her other personality.

Hound: Cool, is this gonna be a lesbo scene?

Bloodclots 1 and 2:…

Hound: Sorry…

Bloodclots: GETTHEHELLOUTTAHERE!

Back in the BW side, a beautiful pink vortex opens up in the sky.

All: Ooh…

Vomita: What’s going on?

Pepto-Bismol: It’s time…MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Urinia: What’s going on?

BW Megatron: It is time…for the true Mary Sue to step forward and claim possession of the universe.

Pepto-Bismol: Yes, it is time…the one who is true shall be granted…the Mary-Sue Matrix!

All: GASP!

*DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMM*

(Didn’t see that coming, did ya?)

Pepto-Bismol: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Vomita: Shit! If she gets the Matrix…

Urinia: We’re toast!

Elsewhere…

Peter Gabriel: I say, love. Where are we…

Suddenly, one of MPS’s vortexes sucks Pete in!

Pete: AAAAAAH!

MPS: Damn.

Hey! I thought you didn’t talk!

*WHAP*

OW!

We open to Peter Gabriel floating through space with G1 Megatron, Skywarp, Thundercracker and the Insecticons a la TF:TM.

Pete: What the buggery…

Unicron: Peter Gabriel…

G1 Megatron: Beat it germ, this is MY scene!

Unicron: Welcome, Peter Gabriel…

Peter Gabriel: Who calls?

Unicron: I have summoned you…for a purpose…

Peter Gabriel: And what kind of purpose is that?

Megatron: Dammit, I said BEAT IT!

Unicron: I am rebuilding the both of you. You need to stop two things: One, the Mary Sue before she consumes the universe and me with it, and two, crappy music.

Thundercracker: WHAT?

Bombshell: OK, I’ve had it! I’m blowing this gig!

Unicron: The hell you are!

*POOF*

Bombshell turns into David Hasselhoff.

Shrapnel: Shit. Shit.

Kickback: Oh, that reminds me…(takes a dump) Aaaaah.

Shrapnel: I don’t know you, you.

Bombshell Hasselhoff: WHAT THE FUCK?

Unicron: You, since you have disobeyed me, have been turned into one of the most feared and loathed beings on the planet, at least the United States. You will have the amazing power to put massive audiences to sleep.

All: Ooh…

Bombshell Hasselhoff: Hey, I get to keep my cerebro shells! Rock on!

He fires a shell at Skywarp, who becomes under his spell.

Skywarp: I…love…crappy…music. Must…buy…Michael Bolton…ASAP.

Unicron: Anyway, behold…Gabritron!

Peter Gabriel and Megatron merge to where we see Pete’s head stuck on Galvatron’s body…but with Megatron’s voice and Cliffjumper‘s helmet with the horns.

Thundercracker: That’s not very creative.

Unicron: You wanna be turned into one of the Backstreet Boys?

Thundercracker: (whimpering) I’ll be good.

Unicron proceeds to turn everyone else into who they were when this happened the first time.

Shrapnel: I wanna be Cyclonus, Cyclonus.

Skywarp: Ferget it! I’m still doing it!

Bombshell: No, it was me!

Skywarp: Me!

Bombshell: ME!

Kickback: How can you do it when you’re David Hasselhoff?

Bombshell: Easy! A clone!

Unicron: ENOUGH ALREADY! You will all become what you originally were.

Skywarp: GRUMBLE all right…(they turn into their TFTM selves)

Unicron: Now go…destroy the Matrix…and sucky music.

Scourge: Wait, I have a question, what qualifies as sucky music?

Unicron: Lessee…Barry Manilow, Donny Osmond, Phil Collins…

Gabritron: YES! (headbangs)

Unicron: …and those repulsive little trolls known as N’Sync. Like, totally gross!

Scourge: Totally. Like, totally awesome!

We see Scourge dressed in Bermuda shorts and carrying a surfboard.

Unicron: All right all right. Now shut up and go.

Back on the farm…

Pepto-Bismol: And now…

Urinia: For the 80^th goddam time.

Pepto: Hush, infidel! I…what the hell is that?

Gabritron and his minions are seen flying through the sky. Gabritron lands and runs up to Pepto.

Gabritron: Coronation, Starscream? This is bad comedy.

All: HUH?!

Starscream: Megatron, is that you---OW! (Vomita smacks him) HEY!

Vomita: I’m sorry, my love. (hugs him to calm him down)

Starscream: Aww…

They--

All: WE KNOW, THEY SUCK FACE!

Grr. (to MPS) Smack them.

MPS: GRR…

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK*

Urinia: Wait a sec! TWO Cyclonunes?

Cyclonus over by Gabritron: The true one is I.

Cyclonus over by the chicks: No! I am the real Cyclonus.

Blitzwing: How can we tell which is the real one?

Galvatron: I got it! *OOF* (bends over) Oh gee, who can help me tighten this screw down here? (wiggles his ass suggestively)

All: EEEEEEEEEEEW!

Half go into an epileptic seizure, another hunk blows their brains out.

Cyclonus over by Gabritron: SHHHAWIING! I’LL DO IT! I’LL DO IT! (runs over to Galvatron)

Vomita: If that‘s the real Cyclonus…then who the fuck are you?

Cyclonus takes his mask off to reveal…

PHIL COLLINS!

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Phil Collins: Actually, it’s my head grafted onto this…body.

Cyclonus: As it’s my head attached to this squishy body.

Cyclonus rips off his disguise to find Phil Collins’ body attached to his head.

Blitzwing: What the…

Cyclonus: Well, when Unicron was changing us, SOMEBODY was hiding in his teleportation booth smoking weed and got in the way. (Glaring at Phil)

Phil: Saw-ry!

Inferno: O…K.

Vomita: WAIT! If Phil Collins is Cyclonus, and David Hasselhoff is here, then you, (pointing at the Galvatron, the Sweeps, and Scourge all with them.) are IMPOSTERS!

Galvatron: SHIT! The jig is up!

Astrotrain: GET THEM!

A nasty-looking fight ensues. After a while…

Urinia: OK! Now we have the imposters lined up, now we get to see who’s who!

Urinia pulls off Galvatron’s mask.

All: GASP!

Urinia: It’s…It’s…MICHAEL BOLTON?!

Urinia pulls off Scourge’s mask.

All: GASP!

Urinia: It’s Donny Osmond!

She proceeds to pull off the masks of all the others to reveal N’Sync and Barry Manilow!

Urinia: But why, fellas!

Michael Bolton: Considering that no one appreciates our music…

Dirge: Because you suck!

Bolton: SHADDAP! We are taking over the galaxy one way or the other; the idea of dressing up like huge robots was their idea. (jerks a thumb at N’Sync)

N’Sync Guy1: It seemed cool…we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

Velma: JINKIES!

We see Fred and Daphne getting it on, Shaggy blazing up with Rumble and Scooby and the Insecticons chowing on a 6-foot Philly Steak sub.

Bombshell Hasselhoff: Come on, guys! Let’s go!

Gabritron: No way! SEIZE THEM!

The Sucky Singers take off with Gabritron and his minions on their tails.

Soundwave: OK, since that fiasco is over, can I ask one thing?

Vomita: Sure.

Soundwave: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE STORY LINE?

Shut up before I put you in a Strawberry Shortcake fic.

Soundwave: (whimpering)

Meanwhile…

Bloodclot is pacing and dealing with her split personality.

Bloodclot: I…I can’t deal with this. I must…

Bloodclot2: Do nothing! You are going to be with Soundwave and that’s it.

Bloodclot1: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

The personalities fight. Hound bursts out of nowhere.

Both Bloodclots: HOUND! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Hound: Bloodclot, you’re mine! You’ll always be mine!

Hound and Bloodclot disappear. (Frightening music plays. Suddenly, the soundtrack switches over accordion music.)

Hot Rod: Hey! What gives!

It seems as if the record skipped…what are YOU doing here!

Ultra Magnus: Since we are never mentioned in your crappy fics, we’ve taken the liberty to act as the audience.

You can deal with that now?

Magnus: Shut the fuck up.

Oof! There, got it fixed. Back in the Beast Wars side…

Pepto: The moment is finally here! The true bearer of the Mary-Sue Matrix, me, shall step forward to conquer the world. No one will be able to resist! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Not now, next chapter.

Pepto: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Prima Donna

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