As this piece of shit goes on and on, we find our heroines at the mercy of that ruthless Predacon and a whole buncha other shit that has long since

robbed this fic of any relevance and plot…

Pepto-Bismol cackling evilly: When I plant this kiss on your beloved leader, he will be mine!

Vomita: How many times we gotta go through this?

Pepto-Bismol: Several. All our readers have ADD.

Pepto leans to kiss Megatron. The camera pans to the dudes freaking, the chicks staring in horror and Rumble, Frenzy and Skywarp blazing up.

*THUNK*

Pepto’s mask falls off and hits Megatron in the face, awakening him.

Megatron: Ow! What the…*GASP*

All: GASP!

Megatron: It’s…it’s you!

All: GASP!

Megatron: My ex-wife…Bernice!

All: WHAT THE FUCK???!!

Bernice: Oh, I am here to awaken you, you were the only one I have ever loved, you are my man, always.

Megatron: WHAT?! You dumb bitch, I have found another girl, she is Diarrhea, the love of my life no one can ever replace her!

All: HUH????????????????????????

Diarrhea magically awakens.

Diarrhea: What the…MEGGY! You really DO love me!

Megatron: Come here, sugar-bot!

Diarrhea: Tee-hee! (they suck face)

Pepto/Bernice: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Everyone else but Bernice: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…….

Pepto lunges for Diarrhea, they fight on the ground. Reflector starts takin pictures.

All: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Diarrhea grabs the Matrix. A huge flood of pink light spills from it.

Stan Bush singing: You got the touch, you got the power…

Optimus Prime’s voice: Arise, Diarrheus Prime!

Soundwave: Ugh…

Diarrhea stands for a while, listening to Stan Bush singing on.

Diarrhea: OK, that’s enough! (Blasts Stan Bush) This is the end of the road, Bernice!

Diarrhea and Bernice fight. Diarrhea, of course, kicks Pepto’s ass.

Diarrhea: Now…light our darkest hour…

Hot Rod: Knock it off!

Soundwave: WAIT! How this can be our darkest hour?

Diarrhea: Oh…never mind.

G1 Cons and Preds: HAIL, DIARRHEA!

Diarrhea: Tee-hee! Oh, Meggy!

Megatron: My love! (they suck face)

All: GROAN…

Bernice from far off: I SHALL EXACT MY REVENGE!!!

Meanwhile, Dinobot and Inferno are sitting on the shores of the Upper Michigan peninsula.

Dinobot: Let’s go to Wal-Mart.

Inferno: Yes, let’s.

Dinobot and Inferno go to the Wal-Mart in Ishpeming to meet up with the Lord of the Rings folks.

Diarrhea: Could you please pick me up some tampons?

All: EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!

Dinobot: O…K.

Dinobot and Inferno arrive at the Wal-Mart.

Shockwave: Greetings, Predacons. I am Shockwave, your greeter.

Dinobot: What are YOU doing here?

Shockwave: Considering my lack of exposure, character and pay in the regular series, I have to find some way of supporting myself.

Boss: Hey! What I say about accent, eh?

Inferno: Huh?

Shockwave: GRUMBLE All RIGHT! Allo! Velcome to da Val-Mart, eh?

Dinobot and Inferno take a cart and back away.

Dinobot: Ok, what do we need?

Inferno: Tampons, for one.

Both: SHUDDER

Inferno: Anyway, Herbal Esscence shampoo…

They walk through the aisles getting their stuff. On the way, they happen to pass Skywarp and Thundercracker buying air fresheners…

Skywarp: Come on, TC! Admit it, you have a flatulence problem!

Thundercracker: I’m surprised you even know what “flatulence” is.

Skywarp: Hold still. (sticks them to TC’s butt) Howz that?

TC: Hmm, not bad. Got any in pine?

Dinobot and Inferno also pass Soundwave in electronics…

Soundwave: CDs, everywhere I fucking turn. I’m…OBSOLETE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Frenzy: Is it true you bought us all from here? Is this our birthplace?

Soundwave: Stop that crazy talk! You know damn well you were found at a garage sale in Saginaw.

Laserbeak: CAW!

Subtitle: Whew! At least we can attain some dignity.

They stop at the toy department.

Dinobot: Check this out…”Transformers Armada”…

Inferno: Feh! Just a cheap-ass knock off of the original.

Dinobot: I dunno. Ooh, I like this one! (picks out Armada Starscream)

Inferno: Eesh.

Suddenly…

Dinobot: MAXIMALS!

Inferno: What are YOU doing here?

Optimus Primal: Well, you’re not the only one who uses Herbal Essence shampoo.

Inferno: I’ll say. What’s this…Nair back-hair remover…

Primal: Gimme thaaaaaaaaaaat!

Silverbolt rummaging through the Pred’s cart: Hey! Summer’s Eve…

Dinobot: I’ll take that!

Inferno: I thought you would have something like that, Silverbolt.

Silverbolt: Whaddya mean?

Blackarachnia: Yoo-hoo!

Silverbolt: FUCK OFF!

Primal: Tell you what, we won’t say anything if you won’t.

Dinobot: Agreed.

They leave in opposite directions, whistling nonchalantly. Dinobot and Inferno head to the checkout counter.

Inferno reading the National Enquirer: Check it out, Cher’s having another baby.

Dinobot: Ugh, So who’s the father this time, Shockwave?

Inferno: Eh! He’d be eating alone with the female Autobots!

Shockwave: *SOB*

Both: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Clerk: Yer total is fideen fiddy.

Inferno: Huh?

Clerk: Fideen fiddy!

Dinobot: Say WHAT?

Clerk: FIDEEN FIDDY!

Inferno: AAAH!

Clerk: AAH!

Dinobot: AAH!

Inferno: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!

Wal-Mart burns. Out in the parking lot…

Shockwave: Whadja do that for? Over fifteen dollars and fifty cents?

Dinobot: THAT’S what she said?

Clerk: Yeh, fiddeen fiddy!

Yooper Guy1: Les’ giddum, eh?

Dinobot and Inferno: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

They run through the streets of Ishpeming followed by angry Yoopers.

Cher: Shockwave, sweetie, what’s THAT all about?

Shockwave: Nuttin, eh? Damn, now I gotta get another job.

Cher: Hold off, sweetie. There’s a chance this baby…might…not…be…yours.

Shockwave: Say WHAT?!

Ooh. In the meantime, Dinobot and Inferno run into an alley and hit a Dead End.

Dead End: Wait…I’m in this?

No, no. It’s…aw, sheeze forget it!

Dead End: Can I keep the hot dog suit?

Whatever.

Dinobot and Inferno stare in horror as the Yoopers close in.

Inferno: Shit! Dinobot, I know we’ve never been…close, but I love you, man!

Dinobot: Get the fuck away from me.

Suddenly…

*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*

Michigan’s lower peninsula explodes; Over the noise of the blast, Michael Bolton’s Time, Love and Tenderness can be heard.

Inferno: What the fuck…

Phil Collins fires a laser. Michael Bolton throws a net over the people.

Phil: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA! With us Sucky Singers, we are poised to take over the world!

All: GASP!

Dinobot: aw shit…

Inferno: wait! I got it! PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETE!

Gabritron appears.

Inferno: Holy shit! What happened to you?

Gabritron: Fuggedaboudit. I say. What do you wankers want?

Inferno: Please Pete. It’s Phil.

Gabritron: HUH??? KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!

Gabritron beats the crap out of Phil Collins.

Pete fans: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Phil fans: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Phil: RETREAT!!!!

The Sucky Singers take off with a pissed-off Gabritron in hot pursuit.

Inferno: Let’s get the fuck outta here!

Meanwhile, Alita-1, Chromia and Ellie May try to drown their sorrows at Reflector’s Bar and Grill…

Alita: Dudes…suck.

Chromia: No kidding. Always telling you what to do. Why do you think I’m on the fence?

Ellie May: Why do you think I’m on the fence?

Alita: That’s what I don’t understand, Ellie May. Why are you with that one Decepticon, Ramhorn, Ram-Me-Hard…

Ellie May: Ramjet! *giggles* I know, he’s not all that I deserve…

Chromia: No shit. He doesn’t seem to please you the way I can. Grrrroowwl!

Ellie May: You said it, sister.

They suck face.

The Males: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Chromia: SHADDAP!

Reflector: Excuse me for a second. (plops on the table where the femmes are and turns to the camera)

Ellie May: Reflector…

Reflector: SHH! (to the camera) Hi, this is Reflector, one of the unsung heroes of Transformers. For those of you who watched the cartoon back in the Earth years 1984-1985, you would have seen a set of triplets running around who spoke at the same time and seemed to disappear sometime during the second season. Just to let you know, I am making my comeback to the small screen with the new season of Armada…

Alita: OK! That’s enough…

Reflector: But this is MY place! You can’t tell me what to do!

Ellie May: Buzz off, Huey, Dewey and Looney!

Reflector: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (runs off crying)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Sucky Singers arrive at Autobot HQ per a vortex thanks to MPS.

MPS: Grr…

*WHAP*

Donny Osmond: OW! What did you do THAT for?

MPS: HMPH!

Osmond: Bitch…

MPS: GRR…

A severe beating later…

Bumblebee emerges from the clearing.

Bumblebee: What happened to your disguises?

Michael Bolton: We were averted by some Predacons in Ishpeming. Peter Gabriel has taken a powerful new form!

Bumblebee: I see.

Cliffjumper walks by sans helmet.

Cliffjumper: Have you seen my helmet?

Sucky Singers: Er…NO!

Cliffjumper: Damn…

Bumblebee: Never mind. The plan is still in action. All you guys’ music will brainwash the world and make it MINE. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Optimus Prime from far off: Bumblebee? What are you doing?

Bumblebee: Ah, NOTHING, PRIME!

Whoa.

Bumblebee: Looks like we’ll have to go to Plan B.

Donny Osmond: We have a Plan B?

Bumblebee: Don’t you read the comics? All secret clubs must have a Plan B.

N’Sync guy 3: So what is it, chief?

Bumblebee: With the help of my implants…

Phil Collins: Can’t see them.

Bumblebee: NOT THOSE! Keep your hands offa them!

Michael Bolton: Better question: Why do you HAVE them?

Bumblebee: Don’t ask me, ask the damn author.

Barry Manilow: I think it’s because you still have the hots for that kid, Spike?

Bumblebee: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Barry: Don’t trip, he’s cute! Not as cute as these guys. (Motions to N’Stink)

N’Sync: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! (runs and hides behind Bumblebee.)

Phil Collins: I believe you mean the secret ones you planted in two of the Autobots and they don’t even realize it.

N’Sync dude 4: So much for suspense.

Bumblebee: Yeh, check THIS out.

*ZAP*

In the Ark…

Jazz: Say, Mirage, did you happen to…

*DOING*

Jazz becomes a mind-slave.

Jazz: Must…play…sucky…music.

Blaster: I…have…sucky…music. Putting in…Michael…Bolton…CD…right…now.

Blaster turns on Michael Bolton’s “Love is a Wonderful Thing”, which sends all the other Autobots into convulsions.

Beachcomber: I…love…wimpy…pop.

Bluestreak: Must…buy…Donny Osmond.

Prowl: I…say…get…Barry…Manilow.

Huffer: They…all…rule.

All Autobots: Yes…buy…all.

Outside…

N’Sync dude5: Yo cheez, you did it!

Sucky singers: YAY!

They start dancing around, one of them accidentally unplugs the hypnotic unit.

*BZZZZ*

Suddenly, all the Autobots return to normal.

Brawn: What the fuck was that?

Mirage: I actually liked Barry Manilow? YECH!

Red Alert: This was all a plot to kill me, wasn’t it?

All: …

Ratchet: Uh, yeah Red, it was.

Red Alert: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! (runs screaming from the room)

Prowl: Every. Single. Time.

Jazz: No shit.

Bumblebee: DAMMIT!

We catch up to Red Alert as he ran and screamed for almost three miles non-stop.

Red: Why are they always after me?

Chris Latta’s voice: Red! Red Alert! You can hide in here!

Red Alert runs into the hiding place; a hand touches his shoulder.

Red: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Reflector: Shh! You want to get found out?

Red: What…what do you want?

Reflector: I want what you want.

Red: To be tied up and smeared with honey on Thundercracker’s bed?

Reflector: Holy shit. Uh, anyway, I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone.

Red Alert: Huh? What do you mean? The voices have gotten into my head? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(runs around like crazy)

Reflector: SIGH I mean, that I understand just how you feel.

Red Alert: You…hear the voices too?

We pan to the trolls that have taken over Red Alert’s mind, better known as Go-Bots.

Troll 1: They want to disassemble you.

Troll 2: They are all against you.

Reflector: YOU MIND! Anyway, I know how it feels to be the unsung one.

Red Alert: You do? Can I ask you something?

Reflector: Sure.

Red: Who are you?

Reflector: Reflector…Decepticon?

Red: …

Reflector: Was in the first season, disappeared during the 2^nd season?

Red: …

Reflector: Oh, fuck it.

*BOOM*

Red Alert dies. The trolls in his head escape.

Troll: Shit! Now where?

Meanwhile…

Bloodclot: Hound, why are you doing this?

Bloodclot2: Yeh, why are you?

Hound: Don’t you see? I love you! I want you to be with me forever!

Bloodclot swooning: Oh, but Hound! Think of our backgrounds! Think of our opposite sides! Think of the seating chart at the wedding reception!

Hound: Whoa…you know what? I DON’T CARE! I love you, baby. (gets on his knees and produces a diamond ring) Bloodclot, will you marry me?

Both Bloodclots: OOOH! (squealing off the top of their lungs) YES! YES!

Hound slips the ring on Bloodclot’s finger.

Bloodclot: Ooh, how pretty! I can’t wait to tell everyone!

Bloodclot2: What about Soundwave?

Bloodclot1: Fuck…

Bloodclot and Hound return to the BW world.

Diarrhea: Bloodclot! Where the hell have you been? What is this Autobot doing with you?

Bloodclot giggling: Sis, fellow Decepticons, we have an announcement, Hound and I are getting MARRIED!

All: …

Bloodclot: See? (holds up ring)

Vomita: That’s an…unusual ring.

Hound: Yeah, I was aiming for the watch, but the mechanical claw got the ring.

All: …

Soundwave: HUH? No way! She is MY woman!

Hound: No way bitch, she is MINE!

Soundwave: MINE!

Hound: MINE! (they start fighting on the ground)

Bloodclot2: (pops up) A-HAA! I keel you!

Regular Bloodclot: NOOOOOOOOOO! (THEY fight on the ground as swell)

Diarrhea: I GOT IT! Bloodclot 1, go with Hound. Bloodclot 2, with Soundwave.

Hound: OK!

Soundwave: Siuts me!

Bloodclots: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! (runs into the arms of their respective loves)

Bloodclot2: (snuggling aginst Soundwave) Hmmm…this is the reason I was such a bitch to start with. I just wanted a man.

All: NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW! REALLY?

Bloodclot: Tee-hee! (sucks face with Soundwave while Houd sucks face with Bloodclot 2)

Voice: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

All: GASP! (turns to see Bumblebee with the Sucky Singers)

Bumble: How sentimental. And you accuse us Autobots of being such weenies.

Starscream: Obviously you haven’t read any TF fics written by a human female.

Bumblebee: No shit! Anyway, my minions and I are prepared to take over the world! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!