TC has thickened the plot even more, she has added another femme to the heap. As opposed to a Mary Sue, she decided to poke fun at the types of shows that have pretty, but dumb chicks as eye candy. On with the story!

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At Con Hq…

Megatron is in a conference with an Image Consultant for Hasbro.

PR Guy: Megatron, the army, love it! The big boys were talking and they have decided to give you some new characters.

Megatron: Excellent! I need some more due to the fact we are outnumbered by the Autobots.

IC Guy: Now, hold on, big fella. These aren’t just any warriors.

Megatron: What do you mean?

ICG: Well, we are trying to appeal to the older male crowd. Many factions have taken it upon themselves to draw viewers in by hiring pretty, but stupid females.

Megatron: So?

ICG: I’d like to introduce you to the newest Decepticon. Come on in, Sweetheart!

An unknown chick-bot skips into the room. She looks nothing like any of the other Transformers, with a 60 ZZ bust, a miniskirt, and a blonde wig.

ICG: Megatron, meet Ashley-Amber-Heather.

Megatron: Uh…

Ashley-Amber-Heather: Tee-hee! Oh, my! Aren’t YOU a handsome bot!

Megatron: What…the…fuck…

ICG: See? Ashley-Amber-Heather is a part of a growing new trend. Lots of guys won’t watch anything without stupid hot-looking chicks on the sidelines. I’m afraid the Transformers cartoon has become one of them.

Megatron: I…see. What can she do?

ICG: Do? DO? Why she can do…uh…what can you do, hon?

Ashley-Amber-Heather: Do? I was supposed to do something? OK!

Ashley-Amber-Heather humps a chair.

Megatron: AACK! Gotta see if I can blow my own head off with my cannon!

ICG: Heh-heh. Well, I assume you’ll have fun with her.

Megatron: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (bangs head against floor)

Later…

Megatron with his head dented in: Let’s go. *GRUMBLE*

Ashley-Amber-Heather: Oooh! Where are we going? Are there gonna be cute guys?

Megatron: And I thought Diarrhea was bad…

Diarrhea: Meggy? What was that? I’m using my mind-reading powers!

Megatron: Fuck! NOTHING, DEAR!

Diarrhea: Tee-hee!

Skywarp: And you are…

Chick: Oh, *giggle!* I’m Ashley-Amber-Heather!

Soundwave: What kind of name is THAT?

Ashley-Amber-Heather: I don’t know. I was named by a cheerleader just like me!

Starscream: Let me guess…her name is…Brittany?

Ashley-Amber-Heather: YEAH! How did you know?

Screamer: Lucky guess…

Soundwave: So what do you do?

Ashley-Amber-Heather: Huh? I...breathe.

Starscream: Grrr…I mean, are you a spy? Warrior?

Ashley-Amber-Heather: Oh, No! War is totally GROSS!

Diarrhea: So why are you here?

Ashley-Amber-Heather: I’m a cheerleader! I help boost morale, but I can’t do any of the yucky battle stuff!

Soundwave: Good God…

Battle Time

Bots and Cons fight, yada yada…

AAH: ( Shaking pom poms all over) All right, let’s pump up the spirit! Gimme a D! Gimme an E! Gimme a C! E! P! T! I! C! O! N! What’s that spell? DIAPHRAGM!

All: …

AAH: WHAT?!

Mirage: What the…

Jazz: I would actually find her beautiful if she wasn’t so damn annoying.

Bumblebee: And stupid.

Megatron: Uh, Prime? Excuse me for a minute.

AAH! evaporates

All: YEAH!

Megatron: Now where were we? ATTACK!

In a void…

AAH!: Where am I?

Unicron: Welcome, Ashley-Amber-Heather.

AAH!: Huh? Like, who are you?

Unicron: I am Unicron. I am eternal.

Han Solo: You’re a rip-off of the Death Star!

Death Star: Yeah!

Unicron: Kiss my fucking ass, you overrated comet!

Chewbacca: ARRR!

Subtitle: Ouch.

Death Star: Bring it on, baby!

Unicron: Tomorrow night, 8 PM Earth time.

Death Star: You’re on, bitch!

Don King: All right, I will book you both in return for 99% of the commission.

All: …

Don King: WHAT?

Unicron eats Don King.

Death Star: Well done.

Unicron: URP! Until next week, then.

AAH!: HELLO! Like, what about me?

Unicron: Oh, yeah. Hello, and welcome, Ashley-Amber-Heather.

AAH!: We already covered that.

Unicron: I see. I will turn you into a powerful being, in return, I control you and you shall serve me.

AAH!: I dunno…like, will guys still find me attractive?

Unicron: Ugh…just work with me, okay girlie? I’m hard up for work enough as it is!

Wheelie: Tell me about it!

Unicron zaps AAH!, turning her into a Transformer with a 80ZZ bust, a 23-inch waist, and nuclear pom-poms.

Unicron: Behold, Cheerleadertron! And these shall be your minions.

Cheerleadertron’s boobs fall off her chest. Unicron does his stuff and makes two transformers no larger than Rumble and Frenzy with nipples in their centers and ball-shaped…

All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Not THAT kind of balls, ya nincompoops!

Unicron: Presto! Siliconius, the tracker, and Implantium, his armada. See how they can easily transform into hooters?

Cheerleadertron: Oh, they’re so cute!

Unicron breathing heavily: You know, I just might keep these for myself…

*WHAP!*

Unicron: Sorry. Here you go. I get so lonely being I am the only one like myself out there.

Cheerleadertron: Aww…do you need a girlfriend? (twirls hair around one finger)

Unicron: No, I need a hole to be drilled in you puny mudball so I can finally get some action!

Cheerleadertron: EEW! You didn’t have to, like, get specific!

Unicron: Well, you…CUT THAT OUT! (camera pans to Cyclonus and the Sweeps bungee-jumping off Unicron’s underwear.)

Sweep1: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Sweep13: Hey, watch out for the brown stain…

Sweep1: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Sweep13: Too late.

Cheerleadertron: Ick. I shall crush Ultra Magnus and take the matrix!

Unicron: Uh, just go girlie.

Cheerleadertron: OK! (leaves back for Earth)

Unicron: *SIGH* I wish I could find someone…YEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOW! (Cyclonus and the Sweeps give Uni a big wedgie.) KNOCK IT OFF, BRATS!

Cyclonus: Sorry, dad.

Sweep4: HOP ON POP!

Cyclonus and the Sweeps hop on Unicron.

Dr. Suess: Oh, lovely.

Unicron: *SIGH*

We open up to Starscream taking a shower.

Starscream rubbing himself with a loofah: Megatron’s gone, I’m the greatest. OOPS! I dropped the loofah! Guess I better pick it up! (bends over)

Galvatron: WOO!

Starscream yelping: Ooh, never have I…MEGATRON?

Galvatron: Not me! You think Megatron has all this? Look at this sniper rifle!

Starscream: Aw, screw it. Wait, no, screw ME!

Wait, CUT! Wrong fic!

Starscream: Dammit! I was gonna get some, too!

Go away.

Cheerleadertron: What was THAT all about?

Never mind.

Cheerleadertron: The Autobots and Decepticons shall fall before me! HAHAHAHAAA!

Some time later, at another battle…

Megatron: Decepticons, ATTACK!

Cliffjumper: Is it me, or is this really starting to get old?

Huffer: Whaddya mean?

Cliffjumper: I mean, we’re always fighting the Decepticons.

Prowl: So?

Cliffjumper: It’s getting so…predictable.

Prowl: Look at it this way, you still wanna get paid?

Mirage: Besides, it says so in our Union contracts, “Must fight pointless battle with Decepticons at least once an episode.”

Cliffjumper: Fighting the Decepticons some more it is!

Cheerleadertron: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!

All turn to stare at her.

Cheerleadertron: I have come to destroy you all! Boys, let’s DO IT!

All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Cheerleadertron pouting: Now cut that out! TRANSFORM!

Cheerleadertron’s hooters fall off her chest and transform into Siliconius and Implantium.

Jazz: What the…

Skywarp: I did NOT see that!

Cheerleadertron: Check THIS OUT!

Silicone bombs shoot out of the holes in her chest.

All: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!

Siliconius and Implantium fly around and get in everyone’s faces.

Hound: AACK! Is that all they do? SHOO! (swats at them)

Thundercracker: Jeez, look at them! Just boobs with heads and legs stuck to them!

Skywarp: I can fix that. (Grabs them and tears off their heads and legs) LOOK! HOOTERS!

All dudes: GIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMME!

A nasty fight breaks out over the poor dead robot hooters.

Cheerleadertron: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! MY BABIES!

All of a sudden, a new set pops out on her chest!

Cheerleadertron: HUH? Cool! Check THIS out! (shakes her pom-poms)

Director: CUT!

Jazz: Hey man, what’s up?

Director: We just used our whole budget.

Megatron: Maybe if we took a few off the payroll…

Skywarp: Nice knowing you, Screamer.

Starscream: Fuck off!

Megatron: No! Follow my eyes…

All follow Meg’s eyes…to you-know-who. They all grin evilly and proceed to walk toward her, weapons drawn.

Cheerleadertron: Uh, hey fellas, what’s going on? Fellas? FELLAS?

END???

Epilogue

Unicron: SIGH I want a girl.

Don King: Hey! Got no time for that! Big fight tomorrow, remember?

Unicron: How are you still alive?

Don King: Plothole. C’mon, box, BOX! You ain’t gonna beat the Death Star by sitting on your huge ass!

Director: I said CUT, DAMMIT! Wait til the next fic!

Don King: All right, all right. Just after I take my 99% cut.

GUYS!