**Note: This is NOT the final installment of the Diarrhea saga. Now before you jump for joy or commit suicide, this is just a fantasy of Mary Sue getting “Just Desserts“. On with the show!

We open up to a sunny meadow with our Heroine strolling along happily…

Diarrhea: SIGH This is so nice. I have my man. I’m changing him for the better. Life is really looking up because Megatron is changing to what I want him to be.

Voice: Um, excuse me miss?

Diarrhea: Yes?

Voice: I am a legal representative for Hasbro, Inc. Here you go. (Hands Diarrhea a letter.)

Diarrhea: What is this?

Lawyer: Read the note!

Diarrhea: Lessee…“You are hereby named as the defendant in a lawsuit“…Hey! (to the lawyer) Why am I being sued?

Scumbag: Keep reading!

Diarrhea: Uhh…where was I? “The plaintiff, Megatron, the Supreme Ruler of all Decepticons”…Wha-wha-WHA?! Meggy’s suing me? “…on the charge of …DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER?” WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

Dirtball: You, my Mary Sue, if you’ll pardon the pun, are being sued. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*rim shot*

Diarrhea glares at the sleaze and the drummer.

Sleazoid: Well, I though it was funny.

Drummer: I just go where the jokes are.

Diarrhea: The Love of My Life is suing me? Why?

Scuzz: Looks like you and The Love of Your Life have a lot to discuss. See ya.

Diarrhea: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

She drop-kicks the slime into a volcano. She starts to cry.

Diarrhea: This-this c-c-an’t be happening? Why would my Meggy-poo…

Audience: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Diarrhea: SHADDAP! (nukes them) Anyway, why would he sue me? The Love of His Life? I have to go talk to him!

Diarrhea storms into HQ, bee lining for Megatron’s Office and knocks on the door.

Megatron: Who’s askin‘?

Diarrhea: It’s me, Meggy! We have to talk!

Megatron: Shit! Uh…not now love, I’m busy!

Starscream: Yeah, come back when we’ve cleaned up!

Megatron: SHADDAP!

Diarrhea: Grr…Meggy, I’m gonna count to three and when I get to three, this door better be open!

All: *makes whipping noises*

Megatron: Cut that out!

Diarrhea: One…two…five…eight…dammit Meggy, what comes after eight?

Megatron: HUH?!

Diarrhea: Never mind! (blasts the door open) I want you to explain to me why I received this letter from a squishy, and I am NOT leaving until you tell me! (sits on his desk and pouts)

Starscream: Whaddya gonna do? Hold your breath until you turn blue?

Diarrhea: Precisely! (holds breath)

Megatron: Good God…Okay, okay, let’s talk about this like rational robots, shall we?

Diarrhea: MMMPH MMPHM HMMP!

Translation: Can I exhale?

Megatron: *Sigh…*

Later on, we open to Diarrhea in a conference room with Megatron and his…legal bloodsucker.

Diarrhea: What’s the meaning of this, Megatron?

Megatron: My dear Diarrhea, you have taken myself, a character of ruthless temperament, and turned me into…

Starscream: A pussy?

Megatron: What he said. Hey! What are YOU doing in here?

Starscream: Uhhh…checking for termites!

Megatron: This is an underwater base is made of steel, iron and SPAM! Why would termites wanna come here?

Diarrhea: B-b-but Meggy! Don’t you love me? I was created for you! I was put here to be the Love of Your Life.

Megatron: My dear sweet Diarrhea…

Starscream: You’re doing it again.

Megatron: SHADDAP! Anyway, I have a reputation. When you came along, I forgot about what it was like to be a total bad-ass. Then, when we got married and had those kids, my reputation and popularity with the fleshies plummeted.

Cocksucker: Not only that, the Hasbro company has lost a lot of money due to Megatron’s personality shift. They are willing to do whatever it takes to make up that lost revenue; after my 99% cut, of course.

Starscream: Of course…

Diarrhea: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (Fires off arsenal of weapons, nuking Australia)

Crocodile Hunter: WOOOOOOOOOCK! AW, CRIKEY!

Megatron: She took it better than I thought.

Later,

Diarrhea sobbing: Oh, girls! It’s just terrible! Meggy has sued me because he thinks I turned him into a sap! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Vomita: GASP! But Diarrhea, you are The Love of His Life. He can’t do that!

Starscream: Yes he can! Just as I can with you!

Starscream and his lawyer enter the room, the sleazoid hands Vomita a letter.

Vomita: STARSCREAM! W-w-w-why?!

Starscream: The same reason Megatron is suing Diarrhea. You turned me from a coldhearted bitch to a simpering pansy.

Skywarp: You didn’t need HER help for that!

Scuzzbum: HEY! Those are enough for you to get sued for emotional distress!

Starscream: Really? Heeeeeeeey…I can!

Lawyer: After we establish my fee.

Starscream: We don’t use Earth currency. We trade in supplies and energon.

Parasite: WHAT?! No money! Fuck this, I’m outta here!

Starscream: HUH?! DAMMIT!

*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*

Screamer nukes the lawyer.

All: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Starscream: Hmph! Now I gotta find another of those awful creatures. I have about 500 other fanchars to sue, you know.

Vomita: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (runs away)

Diarrhea: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! WHY???!!

Soundwave: *sigh* You really wanna know?

Diarrhea: YES! Oh, Soundwave, it’s so much more than I can bear!

Soundwave: I thought you were the toughest thing there was, even more so than us mechs.

Diarrhea: ::DEATH GLARE::

Soundwave: Shit. Ahhh….ROLL CLIP!

-------------------------------------------

(clip rolls with highlights of all the fics that have been done to the tune of Tchaikovsky‘s 1812 Overture)

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa…

(another clip of Diarrhea and Megatron suck face)

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa…

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa…

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa…

The next set of clips involves the Female Autobots shaving their legs, Bart Simpson getting strangled by Homer, a guy in a horse‘s costume riding a bicycle into a lake, Ironhide singing opera into the Ark’s bathroom mirror, and the infamous catfight between Joan Collins and what’s-her-name on Dynasty.

What the hell…?

Soundwave: Crap! (stops the tape) Got them mixed up. But as you can see from the first set of clips, you have turned the most ruthless Decepticon of all time and made him a wuss.

Diarrhea: Like I was the first one to do it.

Soundwave: True, there have been others and I admit, did a much, much worse job.

Diarrhea: For example…MMPH!

Don’t…you…dare.

Diarrhea: All right, all right, I won’t name them. But you have to admit…

Soundwave: Yeah yeah, but Megatron chose to make an example out of YOU, and YOU will be the one he will see in court tomorrow.

Diarrhea: SIGH Damn…and all was going so well…

Soundwave leaves, Diarrhea sits in the middle of the room to ponder.

Diarrhea: Spotlight?

(a spotlight shines on her)

Diarrhea: (singing) This is the end…Memories…passing in the night…WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I can’t do it!

(curtain closes)

Statler and Waldorf are in the balcony.

Statler: Could it really be…don’t toy with me like that!

Waldorf: If not, I got the cyanide tablets ready to go!

Statler: Who the hell said she could sing?

Statler and Waldorf are nuked to a crisp.

Waldorf: Who would have thought she could read lips?