By TC

In a crowded courtroom on the “Night Court“ studio, we play out the next scene on this fallacy. NO! TC swears, THIS IS NOT THE END!

Bailiff Bull from Night Court: All RISE! The Honourable Judge Harry Stone presiding.

Judge Stone: Please be seated. The case of Megatron vs. Diarrhea. Prosecutor, do you have an opening statement?

John Larroquette: Uh, yeah, your Honour. The plaintiff used to be quote, “the baddest mofo around” until he met up with the Defendant. According to the Plaintiff, he was sucked into her charm and beauty and was made into quote, “a pussy”. Unquote. Due to his nice-guy status, his company has lost millions of dollars in revenue and is in danger of being fired by Hasbro. The plaintiff is seeking compensation for lost revenue and emotional damages.

Sullivan: Your Honor, my defendant was created to help with the war against the Autobots. The romance was not a part of the main plot, but a subplot…

Megatron: OBJECTION! She wanted sappy romance from the word go! It is not part of Decepticon life!

Diarrhea: I DID NOT! I was sent to help you sissies!

All: Oooooooohh…

Judge Stone: OVERRULED! Prosecution, call your first witness.

Larroquette: Your Honour, I call to the stand Air Commander Starscream.

All: GASP!

Starscream approaches the bench.

Bull: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?

Starscream: Help me WHO?!

Bull: Uhh…Oh! So help you Primus?

Starscream: Eh.

Larroquette: Air Commander…describe the personality of the plaintiff before the defendant became part of his life.

Starscream: He was a cold, ruthless bitch!

All: GASP!

Starscream: Utterly ruthless…having Diarrhea around proves that he was unfit to command to begin with, and that I should take over the reins…

Megatron: OBJECTION! YOU CAN’T EVEN LEAD A PARADE!

Roz: Shut the hell up, Whitey! (bitch-slaps Megatron)

Megatron: OW! Yes, dear.

Larroquette: What happened when the Defendant became his woman?

Starscream: Uhh, he became nice.

Larroquette: Nice?

Stone: For the benefit of the court, Air Commander, would you please explain nice?

Starscream: Gladly. We are a warrior race from the planet Cybertron and all we ask for is conquest of the galaxy. We were trying to get enough energy to get back to Cybertron by sucking this planet dry…

Skywarp: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Suck! Dry! Where have I heard that?

Beavis and Butt-Head: Huhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuh…that wuz cool.

Starscream: ANYWAY, in the meantime, SHE sashayed into our world and all but possessed our leader, making him do things we would never have dreamed of!

Stone: Such as?

Starscream: Toys for Tots!

All: GASP!

Starscream: Adopt-A-Highway!

All: GASP!

Starscream: And if that wasn’t enough, she made us volunteer…oh I can’t even say it, the pain! THE PAIN!

Thundercracker: LEPER COLONIES!

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Starscream breaks down crying.

Christine Sullivan: I OBJECT, YOUR HONOUR! The witness is faking it!

Skyfire: He always does.

All: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!

Skyfire: Shit.

Judge Stone: Good Lord. Prosecution, call next witness, please.

Fielding: Next witness is Communications Expert Soundwave.

Bull: Hold up your hand. Hey…cool cassette rack! Can I play my Winger tapes in it?

Soundwave: No!

Bull: Do you swear to tell the truth, yada yada yada.

Soundwave: Whatever.

Soundwave takes the stand.

Fielding: Soundwave, tell a little bit about your relationship with Megatron.

Soundwave: Relationship? It was only one time! We were both so drunk and…

All: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW!

Fielding: NOT THAT! Pervert! Got any pictures? OW!

Judge Stone: Uh…will the defense make a statement?

Sullivan: Your Honour, my client was fighting for the cause she believed in, all the males swooning over her was just part of her charm. Is it against the law to be charming?

Fielding: As much as she manipulated the males to being what she wanted them to be! And bringing more females like her into the mess she created to work their charms onto the males of her choice!

Diarrhea: OBJECTION! It was all for ME! I didn’t give a damn about my sisters!

All: GASP!

Vomita: Oh sis…WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Urinia: BITCH!

Bloodclot: SLUT!

Ellie May: One-dimensional simpleton!

Diarrhea: Crap…

Judge Stone: Oh my! Jury, please deliberate!

The jury, comprising of Wheelie, 2 cowboys, 2 nuns, Joseph Stalin, Optimus Prime, TC, Wayward, Artemis Prime, Mystery Potato Salad, and Queen Elizabeth whisper and poke at each other. The cowboys hollowed out Wheelie to make a barbecue pit, serving ribs and…beans.

Stalin: DIE CAPITALIST PIGS! *FART*

Optimus Prime: Not again…*FART*

Queen Elizabeth: I say…*FART*

MPS: Grr… *FART*

All the jurors giggle and fart continuously. Half the gallery passes out.

Judge Stone wearing a mask: HAVE YOU MORONS REACHED A VERDICT?

Wayward: Well, if you’re gonna cop an attitude about it…

Judge Stone: DAMMIT! What’s the verdict?

MPS: GRR…

Judge Stone: OW!

Optimus Prime: Your Honour, we find the defendant guilty!

All: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Diarrhea: YAY! Wait, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Judge Stone: Diarrhea, as your punishment, I hereby sentence you to a lifetime of reading everyone else’s MARY SUE FICS!

Diarrhea; AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA… *GASP* (passes out)

Megatron: Damn…

Judge Stone: The plaintiff is hereby awarded $6 for emotional suffering.

Megs/Scum: SAY WHAT?!

Judge Stone: Considering that robots don’t even HAVE emotions…

Shithead: WAIT! What about our lost revenue?

Judge Stone: Fuck off!

Megatron nukes the lawyer.

Diarrhea: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MEGGY YOU’RE MINE! YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MINE!

Diarrhea grabs Peter Gabriel, who happened to be in the galleries poking a sleeping Ravage, and jumps on Judge Stone’s desk.

Diarrhea: LISTEN HERE! I HAVE A PERPETUALLY-EXPLODING PETER GABRIEL AND I KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HIM!

Roz: Oh brother. What?

Diarrhea: THIS! (straps a 20-ton nuke to Pete and…)

*Da…da-da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-daa…*

Thundercracker jumps out of a bass drum.

Thundercracker: Thb-thb-thb THAT’S ALL, FOLKS!

*Da da da da da DA DA DA!*