The Decepticons are somewhere in South America. Starscream and Thundercracker are on a steel run.

Screamer opens his chest panel. A cameraman from Girls Gone Wild takes pictures.

Horny steel workers: (chanting) SHOW YOUR TITS! SHOW YOUR TITS!

Starscream: Where do these morons get the idea I have tits?

Thundercracker walks away slowly, whistling, trying to look nonchalant.

Starscream: What the hell: Hey, fellas! Check this out! (opens his codpiece)

Not-so-horny steel workers: EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!

Thundercracker: Nice working with you, Starscream.

Starscream: Aw, shut up and get some rods.

Thundercracker: HUH?

Starscream: The steel beams! God, get over it!

Thundercracker: Yeah, yeah.

Meanwhile…

Megatron: Excellent. Once we find the crystal, we shall have enough energy to control the world. MWAHAHA!

Soundwave: Gee, another plot to harness an all-powerful energy source. Who woulda thunk?

Screamer and TC fly back with the metal and help construct an extremely phallic looking gun.

Megatron: You sure this robo-penis is gonna work, Starscream?

Starscream: Don’t question my expertise on this! (humps the gun)

Thundercracker: Ugh.

Soundwave: Lovely. Instead of a way to harness energy we have the world’s ugliest sex toy.

Starscream: It’ll work!

BOOM!

Screamer goes flying.

Megatron: Forgive me, Starscream. You did an excellent job. (Helps him to his feet.)

Starscream: Thanks. I have an owie right here. (Points to his crotch.) Will you kiss it and make it all better?

Megatron: Silence, you fool! (Punches Screamer, knocking him off the pyramid.) I have you to thank for this worthless weapon frame! Say, it kinda reminds me of you when you’re limp--

All: …

Megatron: WHAT?!

Starscream: Don’t blame me! Thundercracker picked up defective steel. It’s his fault!

Thundercracker: It’s my fault you’re limp, Starscream?

Megatron: Silence, you fool! (It’s TC’s turn to take a dive.) Say, this is kinda fun. You Three Stooges watch the crystal.

Curly: Most soitenly!

At Autobot HQ

Prime: Something’s going on in Peru. Guess we gotta go see what it is.

Ironhide: Primus, is this getting predictable.

Prime: I sent Wheeljack and somebody else to dig up Skyfire. Need some stupid diversion.

Gears: Yeh. Especially after this we hardly see him again.

Prime: Be quiet.

The Seekers are on the mountain watching the crystal and rolling joints.

Thundercracker: Quit looking at me like that, Skywarp.

Skywarp: Like what?

Thundercracker: Like you wanna hump me.

Skywarp: Whaaaa?! No way! C’mon, have a sip of this!

Thundercracker: What is it?

Skywarp: Firewater with Rophynol. Have a sip.

Thundercracker chugs the whole thing…and passes out. Skywarp humps Thundercracker.

Starscream: Can I be of any assistance?

Skywarp: NO! Nnnnngh! Aw, wait. What the hell.

Skywarp humps Starscream.

Megatron (through a radio): Skywarp, I need you over here to help. Leave Starscream and Thundercracker to watch the crystal…and what the hell is that thumping noise?

Skywarp: What noise?

Starscream: Nngh! Nngh! Megatron, there’s no noooiiiiiiiiiissAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Megatron still through the radio: (murmuring) And they call themselves Decepticons. Starscream, did you show Skywarp that trick you do with your…

All: …

Megatron: WHAT?!

Starscream: HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME TO GUARD DUTY, MEGATRON! I AM STARSCREAM THE MIGHTY!

Thundercracker: (groggily) A mighty pain in the ass.

Starscream: SHADDAP!

Thundercracker: Wait a sec! My ass is the one that hurts!

Skywarp: Quiet! Have a good time playing crystal nurse, Screamer! BYYYYEE!

Skywarp takes off.

Starscream: Nurse? Ooh hey, that reminds me!

He pulls a Nurse’s outfit from his cockpit and puts it on.

Starscream: (twirling around) How do I look, Thundercracker?

Thundercracker; A little tight around your hips. Oh, my butt hurts. What happened?

Starscream: Skywarp poisoned your drink and jumped your chassis.

Thundercracker: He what? RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPE!

Thundercracker calls the cops.

Prowl: Officer Prowl here, how may I help you?

Thundercracker: Uh, officer, hi, I’d like to report a rape.

Prowl. Ok, uh…description of the suspect?

TC: Well, he looks like me, but purple and black.

Prowl: Ok, who did he assault?

TC: Me.

Prowl: YOU?! O..K…

TC: Yeah, I got samples.

Prowl: Perfume samples?

TC: No, no. Semen samples.

Prowl: Robots have semen?

TC: In this geeky fanfic, yes.

Later…

Skyfire lands and walks up to the pyramid.

Skyfire: Can’t sneak around with my size.

Some Horny Guy: Size? Oh, boy!

Skyfire: Get off me!

Skyfire looks to see Screamer and TC standing guard.

Skyfire: Don’t I know him from somewhere…STARSCREAM?!

Starscream: Skyfire? What the hell are you doing here, traitor!

Skyfire: Traitor?! I wake up in the middle of a war I didn’t know shit about, shoved to a side that was so not me, and you call me a fuckin traitor?!

Starscream: YES!

Skyfire: Well, uh…you were lousy in bed!

Starscream: WHAT?!

Thundercracker: Eesh.

Starscream: Oh, we’re settling this one. Right. Now.

Starscream and Skyfire disappear.

A while later…

*RRRUUUUUUMMMMMMMBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!*

Thundercracker: What the fuck…it’s a quake! (shouting) DAMMIT RUMBLE, KNOCK IT OFF!

Rumble: Hey, it ain’t me.

Thundercracker: If it isn’t you, then…

Skywarp emerges from behind a rock.

Skywarp: Sorry about that, guys. Forgot I had my toy turbo-charged.

Thundercracker: Ugh…

Rumble’s head explodes.

*RRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMBBLLLEE!!!!!!!*

Thundercracker: Not again, Skywarp!

Skyfire from a distance: Staaaaarrrrrscrreeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaammmmmm!

Thundercracker: Primus-almighty…

Skyfire emerges from their hiding place.

Skyfire: (smoking a cigarette) Wow. He sure picked up a lot in 9 million years. Now what was I here for…Oh yeah! I gotta disassemble that gun thinghy.

Skyfire approaches the gun, but is confronted by TC.

Thundercracker: Well well well. Looks like you’re trying to sabotage our plan.

Skyfire: Well, I admit the thought has crossed my mind.

Thundercracker: Lessee, I could stop you, but that geeky Starscream would take the credit. But, if I let you destroy it, Megatron would blame Starscream, and that would make me very happy.

Skyfire: How do you know Megatron will automatically blame Starscream?

Thundercracker: Boy, you have been out a long time.

Starscream: THUNDERCRACKER! You putrid traitor!!!

Starscream fires his laser. Thundercracker ducks, the blast hits Skyfire, knocking him senseless.

Skyfire: Et tu, Brutus?

Bruticus: Eh?

Starscream: A season and a half early, aren’t you?

Bruticus: Sorry, Pop.

Brutus: He was actually referring to me.

He proceeds to stab Skyfire.

Julius Caesar: Better him than me.

Starscream: Aw, shit. Eh, so much for the Autobot intruder. The sex was great, but well…you know.

Thundercracker vomits.

Starscream: As for you, traitor, you will do exactly as this geeky Decepticon tells you, or I will report you treachery to Megatron and HE WILL MELT YOU INTO SCRAP!

Thundercracker: Ow! Okay, okay, I get it! Ya gotta shout all the damn time?

Suddenly, a low rumble is heard.

Starscream: What the…?

Thundercracker: Uh-oh.

Starscream: What?

Thundercracker: Well, you wanna know why my thunder noise is never mentioned? You’re soon gonna find out.

Starscream: Thundercracker, what the fuck--

TC and Starscream disappear.

Skyfire: Whoa! Cool effect! *sniff sniff* PU! (falls back over)

Meanwhile…

The Autobots and Decepticons are fighting in a quaint Peruvian village. We pick up where Brawn manages to wrestle Megs’ gun away from him.

Megatron: Hey, no fair! Gimme that!

Brawn: In a minute! I’ve always wanted to do this. (he loads up the fusion cannon with paintballs)

SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!

Megatron: Hey, cut that out! OW!

Soundwave: OW! Those paintball thinghys hurt!

Prime: BRAWN!

He shoots Brawn in the shoulder. Brawn dies.

Bumblebee: Oh my God! They killed Brawn!

Cliffjumper: You bastards!

Jazz: Forgot about his bad shoulder again, Prime?

Prime: Nah, he was annoying the crap out of me.

Inca Girl: Help me! Help me!

Spike and Bumblebee rush to pick her up.

Inca Girl: Oh, thank you.

Spike: no sweat, baby. Your place or mine?

IG: we need to stop the energy crystal flow.

Spike: Your place, then.

Bumblebee: Can I watch?

Spike: No.

Bumblebee: Awww…

Meanwhile…

Starscream: Where are we?

Thundercracker: Shit, I was afraid of this.

Starscream: What? Tell me or I’m going to have to interrogate you with my vibrating null ray and some K-Y.

TC: HUH?

Starscream: What the…

Jimmy Hoffa: Look, intruders…

Thundercracker: No, we’re not intruders, just lost.

Jimmy Hoffa: Just like I was.

Starscream: Yeah, thanks to your uncontrollable bowels.

TC: SHADDAP!

Hoffa; No, it wasn’t my bowels, it was my big mouth.

Screamer: Same thing.

A low ominous rumbling starts…

Everybody disappears.

Back in Peru…

Spike and the Inca chick emerge from Bumblebee.

Spike: (smoking a cigarette) That was great, baby. Now, where’s this crystal?

Bumblebee: Got any heavy-duty upholstery cleaner?

Elsewhere…

Wheeljack: We are gathered here today to remember Brawn. A kind Bot…

Brawn: HEY!

Ratchet: Who said that?

Brawn: Me! I am not dead!

Prime: Hmmm…must be the wind. Get on with it, Wheeljack.

All the Autobots start laughing.

Prime: Knock it off, you fuckin pervs!

Meanwhile…

Starscream: Now what?

Thundercracker: It seems as if we are in some vortex, yes.

Starscream: But where the fuck are we?

TC: Now how do we get outta this void?

Hoffa: By the power of the matrix, yes….

Cliffjumper enters the void.

TC: How’d you get here?

Cliffjumper: The back door.

TC: NOT A DAMN WORD, STARSCREAM!

Hoffa: PILLOW FIGHT!

Jimmy Hoffa swings a monster pillow, hitting Cliffjumper in the face. Cliffjumper’s head explodes.

TC: Cool!

Cliffjumper gestures wildly.

(Subtitle: WHERE THE FUCK’S MY HEAD!?!)

Starscream: Hang on. (plucks a jack-o-lantern from his subspace pocket and plops it on Cliffjumper’s shoulders) How’s that?

Cliffjumper: Except for the goofy-ass grin…

Thundercracker: Fuck this. Where’s that back door?

Later…

Thundercracker; Looks like we’re right back from where we came from.

Starscream: Came? I didn’t feel anything.

Thundercracker: Not that! I mean, we’re back at the temple.

Starscream: I meant to say that!

TC: Right.

RUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEE!!!

Screamer: Not again.

TC: I can’t help it. Awwwww sheeeeeeeiiiiiiiit…

Thundercracker blows a monster fart, sending gale-force winds through the village where everyone else is duking it out. Everyone is trying to hang onto something for dear life.

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Dorothy: Auntie Em! Auntie Em! Toto! Toto!

Toto: BARK! BARK!

The Wicked Witch of the West flies by on her broomstick.

Prime: That was weird.

Megatron: THUNDERCRACKER!

Cliffjumper re-appears.

Wheeljack: Hey, nice mullet!

Cliffjunker: Shut up…

Starscream: Wow, that was even more powerful than Megatron’s weapon.

Thundercracker: …

Starscream: WHAT?!

Thundercracker: Sicko.

Starscream: I meant the gun!

TC: HUH?!

Screamer: That thing over there!

TC: Oh, *WHEW*

Starscream: Uh, aren’t we supposed to be doing something?

TC: No way! It was bad enough when Skywarp did me!

Screamer: No, no! We gotta take Skyfire inside.

TC: For wha--OH, NO! Uh-huh!

Starscream: *sigh*

TC and Screamer bring Skyfire into the temple and throw him down.

Megatron: Excellent. Skyfire is an excellent catch. But why is he in blackface?

*two frames later*

Megatron: That’s better. Once we reprogram him, he will be an excellent addition. Much more useful than the two of you…(to Screamer and TC)

Thundercracker: What, you think we’re deaf or something?

Starscream: Another one of your subtle threats, leader? Besides, why would you want Skyfire while destroying the other Autobots?

Megatron: I have my reasons.

Thundercracker: Still pumping Skyfire for info on Screamer, huh?

Megatron: SHADDAP! (blasts TC)

Starscream: You could’ve just asked, leader.

Megatron: I didn’t want to pry.

Starscream: Besides, I was totally honest about my past. If not, let lightning strike me here and now!

Thundercracker: Uh oh…

CRACK!

Starscream is fried to a crisp.

Megatron: Thought so.

Spike and the Inca Chick walk into where Skyfire is laying.

Inca Chick: You wanna do it again?

Spike: Now, now, baby, I---hey, it’s Skyfire! He’s hurt!

Inca Chick: Whew! Go hump him!

Spike: What was that?

IC: Nothing.

Spike: Okay, I’ll fix up Skyfire!

While Spike is doing that, Ravage steps in, hissing and growling.

Spike: Oh, great. Bumblebee, keep him at bay!

Bumblebee: I’ll try! Ravage, bad kitty! QUIT THAT!

Ravage humps Bumblebee’s leg.

Bumblebee: Now why can’t I get any chicks to do that?

Spike fixes Skyfire, who in turns helps the Autobots kick the Cons ass once again. Thundercracker flies by Megatron.

TC: Whatsa matter, fearless leader? you and Starscream look real geeky! Maybe the Autobots aren’t such wimps after all! Oh, no.

Starscream: Thundercracker, not---

Prime: Now, usually this is the part we help rebuilding the place, but Howard Stern’s on. Send us the bill, will ya?

The Bots take off. The mountain explodes, burying the whole place and killing everyone.

Cliffjumper: This was kind of a lame ending.

Shut up or the jack o’ lantern stays.

Cliffjumper: Sorry…

THE END

Epilogue

We open up to a courtroom scene.

Judge: All rise, we’re here today for the trial of Thundercracker vs. Skywarp. Prosecutor, will you deliver opening statement?

Lawyer: Your Honor, my client was drugged and viciously attacked by the defendant. He seeks compensation for repair and emotional damages.

Skywarp: OBJECTION!

Judge: SHADDAP!

Skywarp: Screamer, what did you do about finding me a lawyer?

Starscream: Well, I got you what was in our budget.

Skywarp: Matlock?

Starscream: Not quite…

Grimlock shambles into the courtroom.

Skywarp: GRIMLOCK??! I’M BEING DEFENDED BY GRIMLOCK?!

Starscream: Well, Matlock, Grimlock, they rhyme.

Skywarp: *GROAN*

Grimlock: Me sorry me late! Was trying to get to courthouse! Who my client?

Elsewhere…

Priest: Do you, Bumblebee, take Juanita to love honor and cherish, yada yada til death do you part?

Bumblebee: I do.

Priest: And do you, Juanita, take Bumblebee to love honor blah blah blah…

Juanita: …

Bumblebee: She does, she does!

Priest: By the power vested in me, I…

Voice: REEEEEEEEEEEEAAARRRRRRRR!!!

Everyone turns to see Ravage.

Priest: What the…

Ravage: ROWR! REEEEEEAAAR!

Subtitle: I OBJECT!

Priest: On what grounds?

Bumblebee: You understand him?

Priest: Well, what else could he be here for?

Ravage: REEEARR! ROWR!

Subtitle: I love this robot! He let me hump his leg!

Juanita:…

Bumblebee: No, honey, you don’t understand! He--

Juanita: …

Bumblebee: You won’t marry me now? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Ravage: REEAAAR! RRER MOW!

Subtitle: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

FINIS

Megatron: Penis?

SHADDAP!

Megatron: All right, all right, jeez…