For a change, we open at Autobot HQ, where Chip Chase is wheeling in on Ironhide, who appears to be fascinated by a good book.

Chip Chase: Whatcha reading, Ironhide?

Ironhide: American history. It’s so fascinating, Chip! I’m taking a night class.

Chip: I see…who’s teaching the class?

Ironhide: Professor Starscream at Megatron’s Academy. He says I’m the brightest in the class.

Chip smacks his forehead.

Chip: Uh, Ironhide…why are you taking classes from our enemy?

Ironhide: Well, Chip…I really shouldn’t be saying this, but in case Prime gets knocked off, I will be the new leader! I have to prepare for our conquest of the earth…I mean, co-exist peacefully. Yeah, that’s it.

Chip: Uh-huh.

Ironhide: See my purty textbook? Did you know that in the U.S. in the 1870s, the mass slaughter of the buffaloes wasn’t done by the white man intentionally?

Chip: Uh, no. What really happened?

Ironhide: Oh, Chip, it was so disgusting. The Indians used the buffalo as sex toys, These gentle creatures were so disgraced they committed suicide by throwing themselves in front of the white man’s guns.

Chip: …

Ironhide: WHAT? It’s all right here in the book! See?

Ironhide hands Chip the book.

Chip: Ironhide, this is a notebook written in pink crayon!

Ironhide: Really? Professor Starscream said it was rare Burmian ink, that’s why he charged me $500.

Chip: Good God…

Ironhide: Uh-oh! I gotta get to class! We’re studying the U.S. Presidents today!

Chip: Oh, fun. Have a good time.

Ironhide : I will! (Stuffs his book into a backpack and takes off for class.)

Chip: (to himself) Buffaloes committing suicide, Megatron’s Academy. I gotta go talk to Prime!

Chip wheels himself down the corridor where we see Prowl dancing in a go-go cage in platform boots while a bunch of Autobots are gathered around, hooting and hollering.

Gears: Shake it, don’t break it Momma!

Prowl: FRESH!

Chip stuffs a wad of bills into Prowl’s G-string, then heads to the main control room where Prime and Jazz are studying some kind of readings from Teltran-1.

Prime: A little to the left, Teletran.

Jazz: Uh, wait. STOP! All right! Unrestricted access to the women’s shower room at the YWCA!

Prime: Ahhh…

Chip: Uh, Prime? Can I talk to you?

Prime: Shit! What the hell is it, Chip?

Chip: I’m worried about Ironhide.

Prime: Well, if you’re that worried, go help him. I’m…busy.

BOOOOOOOIIINNNNNNNGGG!!!

Prime’s codpiece flies off him, knocking Chip backward and sending him crashing to the floor.

Jazz: Nice going, Prime! Now he’s a quadriplegic!

Prime: Shit…

Suddenly, Chip wakes up and stands on his feet.

GASP!

Chip: Prime…you did it. I CAN WALK AGAIN! WOOOOOOOOO!!

Chip starts dancing around the room, everybody gathers to watch.

Ratchet: Amazing…

Bumblebee: Holy crap.

Gears: Dude! Prime’s codpiece is a gift from Primus!

Prowl: Just what I said!

Huffer: When did you say that?

All: …

Prowl: Crap.

Cliffjumper: All hail the codpiece!

All: HAIL! HAIL!

Prime: Now, now…aw what the hell. BOW DOWN!

Everybody bows down.

Prime: Excellent.

Meanwhile…in a classroom at the Megatron Academy, we see Ironhide the only robot with a class of high school kids.

Starscream: All right, students. Today we are learning about the United States Presidents. (Holds up a $1 bill) Can anyone tell me who this is?

Ironhide: Ooh, pick me! pick me!

Starscream: Yes?

Ironhide: George Washington?

Starscream: No, I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. The correct answer is Pat Sajak.

Kid 1: Are you SURE? We’ve been told it was Washington.

All: YEAH!

BOOM!

Starscream turns the kid into ash.

Starscream: Anybody else got a problem? Good! Let’s try another one. (Holds up a $5 bill) Can anyone tell me who this guy is?

Ironhide: Abraham Lincoln?

Starscream: You didn’t raise your hand! I’m sending you to the principal’s office!

All: Ooooooooooo…

Ironhide: Aw, dammit! (storms out of the room)

Starscream: Now where was I? Oh, yeah! Who is this President?

Kid2: Abraham Lincoln?

Starscream: No! The correct answer is Mick Jagger.

Students: Ahhhh…

Ironhide stands outside the principal’s office, shuffling his feet. Off to the side, we see Thrust and Dirge modeling Victoria’s Secret lingerie to a bunch of screaming Decepticons.

Ironhide: Gosh, why do I always get into trouble?

Rumble: It’s only your second day here!

Principal Megatron: Come in, Ironhide!

Ironhide: You don’t mind if I come inside?

Megatron: That’s what I said…WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

Ironhide: NNNNNNNNNNGGGHH! *GASP* Pant, pant. You said I could come in your office.

Megatron: I meant, walk inside my office, not give it a sperm hose down!

Ironhide: Awww…

Megatron: The janitorial supplies are down the hall. Go get them and clean this up.

Ironhide: Sorry…

Back at Autobot HQ, a queue stretching to Toronto has formed outside to gaze upon Prime’s sacred all-healing codpiece. A old man in a wheelchair is wheeled up to the codpiece. He touches it, and stands on his feet.

Old coot: YEE-HA! I can walk again!

Old lady: You were always able to walk, you moron! Your problem is you’re deaf!

Old Coot: HUH? WHAT?

Bumblebee: I don’t know about this. I feel like we’re participating in a freak show.

Prowl: Would it make you feel better if we didn’t charge an admission fee?

Bumblebee: Maybe, but it’s the T-shirt sales that are really scaring me.

Gears walks around hawking shirts and miniature cod pieces.

Gears: RIGHT HERE! GET YOUR OWN PIECE OF THE CODPIECE! ONLY $19.95!

Voices: GIMME GIMME!

We cut to a scene where Prime is standing with his hands over his crotch while Sunstreaker, Tracks and Prowl are fighting over who gets to cup their hands over Prime’s…saber.

Mirage: All right! DON’T SCRATCH YOUR PAINT JOBS, GIRLS! WOO!

Bumblebee: I’m outta here. Where the hell is Chip?

Meanwhile…

Megatron: I don’t know what to do with you, Ironhide. I’m really concerned about your failing grades.

Ironhide: Failing grades? But it’s only the second day of class!

Megatron: According to Starscream, he says you are going to have to get an A on the final just to fail.

Ironhide: Aw, I‘m just trying to make friends.

Megatron: Ironhide, nobody makes friends with a failure. Get back to class. Lock that door on the way out.

Ironhide shuffles dejectedly back to class, where Starscream has started a lecture on Mathematics.

Starscream: Now, class, what’s the square root of 49?

Kid2: Uh, 7?

Starscream: Wrong! The answer is Geronimo.

Kid3: This is worse than biology!

Kid4: Really, what the hell is supercallifragilisticexpialidociusum?

Starscream: SILENCE!

Screamer nukes half the class.

Back at Autobot HQ…

Bumblebee: This sucks. I wish Chip were here.

All of a sudden, Chip waltzes up to Bumblebee, literally.

Chip dancing around: Hey, Bee. Isn’t it great to be alive?

Bumblebee: Yeah. I’m really happy for you, but…

Chip: But what?

Bee: But I don’t like how the other Autobots are using Prime’s crotch plate just to make a few bucks.

Chip: Listen, Bumblebee. We humans need some kind of physical proof of miracles for our gods. Don’t you have anything proving Primus’ existence?

Bumblebee: Umm, oh! I know! Primus’ image in a cyber-tortilla at Reflector’s Bar and Grill.

Chip: Well, there you go. See, I--

A rush of babbled shouts come from HQ entrance. Tracks and Prowl are fighting over who gets to slap Prime’s new codpiece on him.

Tracks: GIMME!

Prowl: No! I wanna do it!

Tracks: Me!

Prowl: ME!

The two play tug-of-war with the new codpiece. All of a sudden, it shoots out and hits Chip in the head, knocking him unconscious.

Jazz: Way to go, assholes!

Bumblebee: Chip? Chip, you OK?

Chip opens his eyes and stares at the Bots.

Chip: Uh, Chip?

Prowl: That’s right, you’re Chip.

Chip: Ch-ch-chip? CHIPPY!

Bumblebee: What the hell?

Chip: NAAA, CHIPPY? Chip-chippy?

Tracks: Fuck.

Mirage: Looks like the author’s gonna have to do a continuation on this.

All of a sudden, Chip gets better!

Chip: What happened?

Author: Never assume anything with me, asshole.

Mirage: Saw-ry! Take some Midol, will you?

That’s it…

*BOOM!*

Mirage disappears.

Jazz: Hey, what happened to Mirage?

You’ll find out. In an undisclosed location…

Mirage: Where am I? Where did that idiot--

The door suddenly opens to the Dinobots.

Mirage: Hey, Dinobots, where the hell--

Grimlock: SILENCE! Me, Grimlock, horny! Me Grimlock must mate!

Sludge: Me Sludge horny too!

Slag: And me Slag!

Swoop: Me Swoop say Mirage have prettiest blue eyes!

Snarl: Me Snarl say you say that to all Autobots!

Swoop: Me Swoop want some game, too! Me Swoop wanna see foot-long penises!

All: …

Michael Bell: Sorry, that was my bad. (clears throat)

Mirage: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Michael Bell: Yeah, you’ll be doing that all night, Mirage.

Frank Welker: Gimme a break!

At Megatron’s Academy…

Ironhide: Teacher, can I ask a question?

Starscream: I suppose, what is it?

Ironhide: Am I the smartest in the class?

Starscream: Well, you’re the second smartest.

Ironhide: YAY! (The camera pans to Ironhide being the only one in the classroom)

Starscream: Unfortunately, it wasn’t good enough to pass this year, you’ll have to be held back. Another $3000 for tuition, please.

Ironhide: Aw…

THE END