Battle at Autobot City
by Star_Ruby
MST by Artemis Prime

*We pan across an unkempt bedroom of sorts, with beer bottles, books, various firearms and martial art weapons scattered everywhere. Finally, reaching the bed, we find Artemis, in her Prime mode, partially hiding under a blanket and her head under a pillow. Quite suddenly, the blanket is yanked off her. Instantly, she swings at the intruder, however sluggishly. Groaning, she sits up, glaring at the wall.*

ARTEMIS: This better be good...

*the camera pans to Starscream, who is standing over her with his arms crossed and a wicked smirk on his face.*

STARSCREAM: Not really, I just felt like doing that.

*Artemis slowly turns her glare to him before screaming angrily, bolting after him, however somewhat unbalanced, grabbing a rather large RPG launcher on the way out the door.*

*Cut to a peaceful scene of VASH the STAMPEDE, bushing his teeth in front of a bathroom mirror. Through the open door behind him, we see Starscream running by, cackling maniacally; five seconds later, Artemis follows, still toting the launcher. Vash is oblivious as he begins to floss. An explosion rocks the foundation, and smoke billows into the bathroom. Vash finishes brushing his teeth, then proceeds with the mouthwash.*

*Cut to the Bridge, where Artemis and Starscream are now in a hand-to-hand melee. The Camera is focused on the monitor, where the two combatants constantly cross the field of vision. On the monitor is a post-it note. Neither seem to notice it. Vash, in his trademark red coat, wanders on screen, watching the pair fight, before noticing the note. Casually, he takes it off the monitor and reads it under his breath.*

VASH: "Dear guys, we went to the snowmobiling competition on Rura Penthe. Be back in a couple of days. Love Ace and boys." *looks up.* Hey, Art, do you know where Rura Penthe is?

ARTEMIS: *kicks Starscream down to the ground.* Yeah, it's an iceball prison planet. Why?

VASH: Ace and the boys went there for a couple of days.

ARTEMIS: Why?

*Cut to a frozen, snowy landscape. Many Klingons and other aliens are gathered around a huge bonfire. Close-up profile on one nasty-looking Klingon who sneers at someone far left.*

KLINGON: SoH DichDaq Hegh DaHjaj peta'Q!

*Translated into subtitles: "You will die today, infidel!"

*The camera pans back to CYRWAY, wearing her full snowmobiling gear promoting all kinds of different logos, including Four Winds Bar, Brown's Snowmobile, and V7 Energon Lager.*

CYRWAY: SoSoylT'...! jIH 'oH joH'a' Daq chuchHommey!
*Translated into subtitles: "Your mama! I am the master of the snow!"

KLINGON: *getting into her face, slowly.* jIH DIchDaq legh vaD vetlh. *then laughs evilly.*
*Translated into subtitles: "I'll look forward to that."*

CYRWAY: *equally slowly* Hab SoSlI' Quch, targhSoS.
*Trnaslated into subtitles: "Your mother has a smooth forhead, bitch."

*There is a collective gasp as the two combatants turn to approach their snowmobiles, hers an Arctic Cat Thundercat 1000, his looking like something out of Mad Max.*

*Cut to Gecko and Brooklyn, the former chatting it up with some Klingon females, the latter looking quite worried.*

*Returning to the three on the bridge of the ship, Artemis suddenly waves her hands in the air.*

ARTEMIS: You know, I don't want to know.

VASH: Well, look on the bright side—

MECHA-WASHU suddenly appears on the screen.

MECHA-WASHU: *squeals* HIIIIIIIII!!!

VASH is startled, striking a rather comical defense pose.

STARSCREAM: Great. What the hell do you want?

MECHA-WASHU: *pouts, her eyes tear up.* Is that any way to talk to your loving daughter, Daddy?

STARSCREAM: You're not my daughter!

MECHA-WASHU: Oh. *instantly regains her posture before giggling insanely.* Guess what I have for you....!

ARTEMIS: *dryly* A handgun which you'll blow your postitronic brain out of its box?

MECHA-WASHU: That would be messy. No, I have for you a story to read! It's called "Battle of Autobot City!" Now read, or face the flying gerbils of doom, who rain coconuts on your pitiful city!

ARTEMIS: I'll go get the beer. *wanders off.*

STARSCREAM: I don't take orders from you-- *gets clonked in the head by a coconut.*

VASH: Look, Battle at Autobot City...what could be so bad about that?

STARSCREAM: The Decepticons lose?

VASH: *with a wide grin* Only because you didn't lead them.

STARSCREAM: *suddenly preens.* Good point, good point...

*COUNTDOWN*

AUTHOR COMMENTS:
This story includes my characters I invented.

ARTEMIS: Typical of most fangirl fanfictions.

STARSCREAM: Look who's calling the kettle black.

VASH: Come on, guys...let's just get along for once.

Phoenix and Blade are copy writes of my friends, MaryAnn and Fiona.

VASH: *waves behind him.* Hi, MaryAnn and Fiona!

Now on with my story.

ARTEMIS: *bends over something in front of her.* I hope I brought enough beer.

* * *

It is the year 2050

VASH: Voiceover by Casey Kasem!

the Autobots and Decepticons live on Cybertron.

ARTEMIS: Hey, I got an idea. *passes a beer each to Vash and Starscream.* Let's play the fanfiction drinking game. Every time a canon character acts out of character, take a drink!

VASH: I'm in! *cracks open his beer.*

STARSCREAM: *peers at the can, then glares at Artemis.* All right, how many did you have before coming here?

They are at war with each other because Megatron refuses to sign any Peace Treaties with the Autobots.

STARSCREAM: Cybertronian History for Idiots. *arches a brow.* Wait a minute...what continuum is this?

He is power hungry as ever. Optimus Prime is the current Autobot leader and Rodimus Prime is Second in Command to Optimus.

ARTEMIS: I'd almost say Headmasters if both Rodimus and Optimus is present.

VASH: Drink if there's continuity conflicts!

*All three take a drink, although ARTEMIS is taking a deeper pull than the other two.*

Vilnacron:

STARSCREAM: Continuity! *All three drink, Artemis finishing off her can and opening another.*

"Star Ruby I want you and your sisters to

STARSCREAM: Jump off a cliff!

become DeathCrystal.

VASH: And I'll form the head!

STARSCREAM and ARTEMIS: CHAOS!!!

I need her to distract the Autobot giants

ARTEMIS: By flashing your chest!

STARSCREAM: Take another drink! *Artemis complies without question.*

while I attempt to break into the Autobots base at Autobot City.

ARTEMIS: Drink when it's redundant! *all three drink again, and Artemis kicks off the top of the third.*

Menasor, Bruticus, Devastator and Predaking will cover your back."

VASH: Oh, I bet they will!

"As you wish Lord Megatron,

STARSCREAM: Whoever this is must be related to Shockwave or Soundwave. *finishes off his can and tosses it over his shoulder. Artemis throws him another one.*

I listen and obey your every command.

ARTEMIS: Sucks to be you. *shakes her head.*

Sisters you heard our leader

VASH: Hot Lesbian Action Time!

merge and become

ARTEMIS: One big ogre party! Oh, wait, that's Trichess. *takes another drink.*

DeathCrystal." Megatron grins because

STARSCREAM: He is an idiot.

DeathCrystal is very attractive.

ARTEMIS: OOC! *all three take a drink. Vash finishes his up.*

VASH: Refill!

ARTEMIS tosses him another can.

He has a hard time controlling his

STARSCREAM: Plasma cannon as it "accidentally" discharges. Alas, poor Deathcrystal...

hormones

ARTEMIS: DRINK! *another collective chug. She tosses her can over her shoulder and cracks open

what looks like a rye bottle.*

around her because she is doggone

STARSCREAM: "Doggone?" What Decepticon in their right minds would use "Doggone?"

beautiful and deadly.

VASH: "You look like you're lots of fun, open up your loving arms, watch out, here I come!" *All three drink, with Artemis making a "WHHHHOOOOOOOEEEEEHHH!" shout.*

DeathCrystal fly's

STARSCREAM: Drink when there's improper grammar! *All three take a swig, again, Artemis whooping with her shot.*

out of Decepticon base, she is eager too kill Autobots that try to stop her.

VASH: Or at least spank them.

Megatron laughs because he knows that the Aerialcons will not fail him.

STARSCREAM: Come on. Anyone who affiliates with Megatron is doomed to fail!

ARTEMIS: What was that, pot? *takes another swig, and shutters.*

Autobot Base:

ARTEMIS: "Brain drain, one-ninety grain!"

Rodania

VASH: Hey! It's a Godzilla flick! "Godzilla versus Rodania!"

is on guard duty;

STARSCREAM: Obviously distracted by Jazz bending over.

ARTEMIS: OOC! *guzzles the whiskey.*

STARSCREAM: Where?

ARTEMIS: You, flyboy! *guzzles again.*

STARSCREAM: Give me a break, I'm drunk. *tosses his second can aside and reaches between

Artemis's legs into the cooler, pulling out another beer.*

she notices the Decepticon giants and

STARSCREAM: And laughed hysterically at their incompetence.

sounds the security alarm.

VASH: "The system is down! The system is down!" *Mouth guitars Strongbad's Techno.*

Rodimus and the other Autobots

ARTEMIS: Autobots!

wake up from their recharge berths.

STARSCREAM: Like some zombies!

They rush to the guard station.

ARTEMIS: Station!

"Ro, you had better have a good reason for sounding the alarm.",

ARTEMIS and STARSCREAM both groan.

ARTEMIS: So much for our filk.

says Kup. "I have four words Kup. The Decepticons are attacking."

VASH: That's five! Oh, wait...never mind.

STARSCREAM guzzles his beer.

ARTEMIS: "When I seeeeee you smiiiiiile!"

Kup orders Rodania to protect Rodimus Prime

ARTEMIS tips her head back, guzzles the last bit of whiskey, and slides out of her seat with a giggle.

and Blade is to protect Optimus Prime.

STARSCREAM: Why not have all of Defensor protect him...why does he need protection? After all, he handles Megatron all on his own...

ARTEMIS: *from the floor* You're still making sense, Flyboy...have another drink. *Giggles, and rummages the cooler.* I know I have a fifth in here somewhere...

The security Femmes obey Kup and race to protect their leaders.

VASH: "Ball of confusion, that's what the word is today, hey hey!" *does a little dance in his seat and finishes his beer.* Art, can I have another beer? *Artemis tosses another beer can to him, which bounces off Starscream's head before landing in Vash's waiting hand.*

STARSCREAM: Ow! Wench. *kicks at her, only to miss by a mile.*

"Blade, it is just like the Decepticons to ruin our night.", says Rodania.

ARTEMIS: Damn those Decepticons! *giggles*

"I agree with you Rodania.

VASH: *in a falsetto* "We're just two-dimensional figments of some fangirl's imagination." *tilts his head back and pulls deeply from his drink.*

I bet the Megajerk is behind this attack.

STARSCREAM: No! It can't be! It's just not possible!

Wait till I get my hands on him I am going to terminate the Decepticrumb."

STARSCREAM: Please do! Do me a big favour...

Rodania looks at her friend surprised.

ARTEMIS: You came up with a brilliant plan!

"Blade that is not Autobot like, remember we are peace makers not murderers."

VASH: *suddenly stone serious* Sometimes one must go to drastic measures to reach and maintain peace. Even if it means the death of another.

ARTEMIS: Have another drink, Vash-hunny...you're making sense still.

Blade snorts. "Remind me to carve those exact quotes on your grave stone." Rodania fumes because Blade is nasty when she is mad.

ARTEMIS: Remind me not to get that broad drunk.

Rodania has no problem finding Rodimus Prime he is busy preparing for battle.

VASH: Looks like he's getting ready to hide behind Ultra Magnus to me.

"Rodimus Prime what are you doing?"

VASH: "I....don't know!"

Rodimus looks up at his girlfriend

ARTEMIS: One of many girlfriends, might I add.

STARSCREAM: I know the feeling...so many girlfriends, so few bullets. *finishes off his third beer and goes for another.* Arty, another beer.

and answers,

VASH: "Sideburn's looking for you."

"I am preparing myself for battle. It is my duty as Second In Command to protect the innocents from harm."

ALL THREE: Drink! *everyone drinks deeply.*

Rodania sighs because Rodimus Prime is right.

ARTEMIS: Here's to redundancy! *passes out.*

STARSCREAM: *looks down, pokes her with his toe.* Oh, drat. *laughs maniacally* That makes me superiour! I can out-drink Lushimus Prime! Ha ha!

VASH: You only had three beers.

Rodania and Rodimus Prime transform and roll out.

VASH: And she had four beers, a fifth of whiskey, and who knows what else before the fic started.

STARSCREAM: *after a brief pause* Slight technicality.

DeathCrystal smashes a few Autobot guard posts

VASH: *imitating the Hulk* DeathCrystal smash Guard posts!

before the Autobot giants show up.

STARSCREAM: Now we're talking! Death, destruction, mindless violence!

DeathCrystal smiles at Defensor, Computron and Superion. She decides to flirt with them.

STARSCREAM: *sulks.* Never mind.

VASH: And if the Autobot gestalts had sex drives, it would mean something.

ARTEMIS: *muffled* So much for self-respect.

STARSCREAM: You're just the perfect role model for that, now aren't you?

Megatron laughs evilly because his distraction is working.

STARSCREAM: Assuming that all Autobots are horny humans in armour. I'm not that stupid. *reaches into the cooler and pulls out a large bottle of clear liquid.* What the hell...? "Darxtar's Moonshine – Extremely Flammable! Use Caution when consuming!"

Megatron enters Autobot Base.

VASH air-guitars the boss theme from Final Fantasy 7.

Blade and Phoenix are ready for him they open fire on the Decepticon Leader. Megatron smiles wickedly at the femmes. He fires his fusion cannon at the ladies. Phoenix and Blade avoid the blast and take cover. Megatron snorts because he missed his target.

STARSCREAM: What else is new? *unscrews the cap and takes a whiff.* Primus! *cringes.*

Megatron spots Rodimus Prime and shoots him. The Autobot Second falls due to the impact of the fusion cannon blast.

VASH: Sure, he can hit the canon characters, but the fan characters are invulnerable.

ARTEMIS: *slurred* I like pain. It's my friend.

Rodania screams because her boyfriend got shot by the Megacreep.

STARSCREAM: *shrugs, takes a pull of the volatile liquid. A pause, before he lets out a blood-curdling scream that makes Artemis leap from her stupor, wide awake.*

Rodania transforms into her deadliest mode the Fiery Phoenix.

VASH: Madeline Pryor is loose! Quick, summon the Sh'iar Empire!

STARSCREAM: Wait...there's a character named Phoenix, and there's a character who turns into a phoenix, and they're not the same character...? I need another drink. *pulls another drink from the moonshine and gasps in pain.*

Megatron groans because he knows that Rodania can burn him pretty good.

ARTEMIS: *takes the moonshine from Starscream and takes a deep drink, before singing off-key* "Burninating the countryside, burninating the peasants! Burninating all the people!"

He comes up with a tactic to wear her out.

VASH: Some good old fashioned loving!

He knows that she is prone to overheating.

ARTEMIS: Much like Flyboy when he's throwing a fit. *crumbles back into her seat.*

Rodania cannot remain a Fiery Phoenix for very long because the energy demand in that mode is high.

STARSCREAM: *gasps* A fan character with a weakness! Whodathunkit?

Megatron retreats into the open and Rodania is in hot on his tail.

VASH: So he's actually the catcher, eh, Screamer?

"DeathCrystal destroy the Fiery Phoenix."

STARSCREAM: What other type of phoenix is there? Wet Phoenix? Smoldering Phoenix? Damp Phoenix? *shrugs and takes the jug from Artemis for another drink.* Slot, Arty, what proof is this?

DeathCrystal obeys her leader. She attacks Rodania.

STARSCREAM: Stupid femme.

VASH: Which one?

STARSCREAM: They're all stupid.

The Autobot femme is not afraid of DeathCrystal she breathes fire on the giant.

ARTEMIS: *takes another swig of the moonshine, pulls out a lighter, lights it, and blows the alcohol into the flame, creating a rather large fireball.*

DeathCrystal screams because Rodania's fire is hot.

STARSCREAM: Cold fire would just be too fangirly.

VASH: Desdemona!

STARSCREAM: Stop it, you're drunk.

Star Ruby orders her troops to disengage and attack.

STARSCREAM: Stay and fight, coward! *grumbles* And Megatron proves yet again he's an idiot...

Rodania burns out very quickly.

VASH: And thus she learns that drugs are bad, mmmkay?

She returns to her true vehicular mode

ARTEMIS: Which somehow bears no resemblance to neither her bot nor her phoenix mode.

and retreats back to Autobot Base.

STARSCREAM: Typical Autobot.

She needs to recharge before attacking again. Nixie

VASH: What a cute sounding name! *giggles and finishes off his beer.* I'd like another please! *Artemis passes him the moonshine jug.*

covers her sisters back while Rodania is entering the city. Rodania and Phoenix are sisters.

ARTEMIS: Who's Pheonix? I thought Rodania turned into Phoenix...?

VASH takes a hit from the moonshine jug and instantly screams, clutching his throat.

Rodania goes to her lover.

STARSCREAM: Sideburn feels so rejected.

VASH: IT BURNS!!! IT BURNS!!!

"Rodimus Prime are you feeling any better now?"

ARTEMIS: Cripes, only Ultra Magnus called him Rodimus Prime.

STARSCREAM: Considering Star Ruby has cutesy nicknames for Megatron...

ARTEMIS & STARSCREAM: DRINK! *go for the moonshine jug in unison, clonking heads as

they do.*

Rodimus Prime stands up he wobbles because his leg is injured.

VASH: *gasping* Or he's drunk.

Rodimus leans against Rodania for support.

ARTEMIS: Support? He needs psychotherapy after this!

"Ro, what hit me?

VASH: A Settite with a mop!

ARTEMIS & STARSCREAM groan at the inside joke.

I feel lousy at the moment."

ARTEMIS: It's like he's been forced into this fangirl fanfiction—oh, wait.

Rodania hugs Rodimus.

VASH: Watch the ribs!

"Megatron shot you my love."

STARSCREAM: Too bad he missed. As usual.

Rodimus groans because Megatron's blasts are indeed hazardous to ones health.

ALL THREE chuckle weakly.

Blade sneaks up on Megatron,

VASH: "Elephant riders to the northwest bring news from father!"

she plans to harm him.

STARSCREAM: What? Not flirt with him?

ARTEMIS: *swigs the jug and squeals happily.*

Star Ruby null rays

STARSCREAM: Since when is "null ray" a verb?

ARTEMIS: *leans up against him and grins suggestively.* I've forgotten how charming you are, flyboy...

the Autobot for sneaking up on her mate.

VASH: But she doesn't seriously wound her, of course...she's just blown clear.

Megatron winks at Star Ruby.

ARTEMIS & STARSCREAM fight over the jug of moonshine as VASH takes the initiative and raids Arty's cooler.

She nods her head at her mate.

Star Ruby and Megatron enter the Autobot Base.

STARSCREAM: Look! No resistance!

Rodania is ready for them.

VASH: "She may be burned to death, or skinned alive, or worse!"

She opens fire at Star Ruby since the seeker is responsible for harming Blade.

ARTEMIS: How would she know this if she was too busy pining over Rodimus?

Star Ruby collapses an her back badly injured.

STARSCREAM: Improper grammar! *tugs at the jug.*

Megatron snarls at Rodania, "Autobot, you shall pay for harming my mate.

STARSCREAM: HA!!! You've revealed your weakness!

I will terminate you the next time we meet."

ARTEMIS: I bet you say that to all the Autobots.

Megatron picks Star Ruby up and leaves the Autobot Base.

STARSCREAM: Had this been a competent Megatron, he would have forgotten Star Ruby and continued his infiltration...but no, this is a cartoon-based Megatron contaminated by wholesome fangirlness.

Rodania sighs with relief because Megatron did not shoot her.

ARTEMIS: Which means it was just a dream.

VASH: And Kenny got a new car. *pulls out Jagermeister.* Ooooooohhhh! It's green!

She never knew that the Decepticon Leader cared so much for his own Decepticons.

STARSCREAM: Slight technicality.

She never knew that Megatron had a mate.

STARSCREAM: See? You now know his weakness. Capitalize on it!

ARTEMIS: You're rooting for the Autobots, dear.

STARSCREAM: *after a pause.* I'm drunk and confused to who the bad guys are.

Rodania hears Megatron's two famous words. "Decepticons retreat." Rodania laughs because the Decepticons are leaving.

VASH: And then they swing back for a surprise attack!

Rodimus Prime wonders why his girlfriend is laughing.

VASH: She's gone plaid!

"Ro, what is so funny?"

ARTEMIS: Watching a Lasombra get impaled by a mop!

VASH: Inside jokes rock.

Rodania grins at her boyfriend.

STARSCREAM: She's plotting to kill him in his sleep.

"Roddy,

ARTEMIS: Now she uses the nickname!

Megatron and his Deceptigoons retreated."

STARSCREAM: And...?

Rodimus Prime and Rodania go to see First Aid since they need minor repairs.

ARTEMIS: Only minor repairs. Blade's got a hangnail and Tracks got a dent.

VASH: Ding King to the rescue!

Vilnacron:

"Hook will Ruby be alright?" Megatron looks at Star Ruby with concern in his optics.

STARSCREAM: That's not concern, that's...slag, I'm drunk. *sniggers.*

"She will be alright Megatron she only has a minor injury."

VASH: *in a quick, serious announcer voice* This fic brought to you by Ding King and the

Association for The Prevention of Portraying Decepticons As Bad-Guys.

Megatron sighs with relief because his mate is going to live.

ARTEMIS falls back on the floor and giggles.

Megatron retires to his office to plan a new attack strategy.

STARSCREAM: He's going to attack the Autobots! *slides out of his seat as well.*

He will never give up attacking his enemies.

STARSCREAM and ARTEMIS beginning giggling and chuckling as VASH stands up, albeit

swaying somewhat.

VASH: "You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best! I've been gone for a month, I've been drunk since I left...!"

The End

VASH: *walking off screen, still singing* "And these so-called vacations will soon be my death, I'm so sick of the drink, I need home for a rest! TAKE ME HOME!"