One fine day in Con HQ, we find the femmes are sitting around eating bon-bons, buffing their nails and complaining about their love lives.

Urinia: Blitzwing is no where near as romantic as he used to be.

Ellie May: I know. When Rammie and I started dating, he always brought me energon goodies and flowers. Now when I ask him about that, he tells me my ass is getting too big!

Vomita: Bloodclot, how come you haven’t hooked yourself up with a guy, yet?

Bloodclot: Ummm…none of them interest me very much.

Diarrhea: Oh, come on, sis. Soundwave thinks very highly of you.

All: OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!! Soundwave loves Bloodclot! Soundwave loves Bloodclot!

Bloodclot: SHADDAP! *GRIN* Listen, I’m sure Soundwave means well. He sure would be a lot better than Skywarp.

Vomita: I know what you mean. Skywarp is so…horny.

Urinia: Really. You shoulda seen what I saw Skywarp was doing to poor Rumble in the utility closet last week.

All: Like, EEEEEEWWWW!

The alarm sounds.

Diarrhea: Uh-oh! Time for battle! Come on, girls!

The femmes take off for the central control room, where Megatron has gathered all the troops.

Megatron: All right, we have an Autobot presence 24 kilometeres from here.

Skywarp: So?

Megatron: So, we gotta stop them!

Starscream: What are they doing?

Soundwave: Scanners indicate that they are congregated for some social function.

Thundercracker: Sounds like their company picnic.

Megatron: I DON’T CARE! We must stop them?

Starscream: From what, Prowl’s Mystery Potato Salad?

Thundercracker: He’s brought that same damn dish for the past 300 years, even after it fell in a toxic waste dump and became a living thing!

Megatron: SHADDAP!

Vomita: Screamer, don’t question our leader. We have to stop the Autobots.

Starscream: SIGH Oh, all right. I guess you know best, my love.

Vomita: Screamer! (They suck face.)

Ramjet: Good God…

Ellie May: Now, Rammie.

Ramjet: Dammit, woman! What did I tell you about calling me that in front of the guys?

Ellie May: WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! (She runs off.)

Skywarp: Way to go, jackass. There goes your first and last chance for you to get any.

Blitzwing: Really. At least I can handle my bitch.

Urinia: HUH?!

Blitzwing: Uh oh…

*SLAP!*

Blitzwing: Ooh…

Urinia runs off crying.

Diarrhea: Hmph! Well, I refuse to go into battle until this whole thing is worked out!

Megatron: SIGH Love, will you please go talk to your sisters?

Diarrhea: Tee-hee! Of course I will. Come on, girls!

The femmes tromp back to their quarters where Urinia and Ellie May are holding each other and sobbing.

Urinia: WAA! I can’t believe my boyfriend said that to me!

Ellie May: SNIFF I never dreamed that Rammie would do that to me in front of everybody! SNUFFLE

Diarrhea: Oh, girls…I’m sure they didn’t mean it. Maybe if we brought them in and apologized to you.

Urinia: I…guess that will work.

Diarrhea: BRING THEM IN, GUYS!

A bunch of Decepticons haul Blitz and Ram into the room.

Ramjet: Uhhhh…

Blitzwing: Uh, hey, look, I…

Another Ramjet walks into the room.

Ramjet2: Hi sweet cheeks! (Gives Ellie May a kiss.)

Ellie May: HUH? How can two of my Rammies exist?

Ramjet2: Ah, that is my evil twin over there!

Vomita: Huh? Wait, we are evil. Don’t you mean you good twin?

Ramjet2: Oh yeah! I mean, I am the good twin to thicken the plot!

A gorilla bursts into the room and kidnaps good Ramjet.

Bloodclot: Yeah, this is a pretty damn thick plot, all right.

Blitzwing: I think this is a good time to tell you, Urinia, I’m dumping you.

All: HUH?!

Urinia: WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I’m joining a cult!

Diarrhea: I don’t believe this! NO ONE has ever dumped us!

Ellie May: But we’ve only been around for less than 2 months.

Diarrhea: Oh yeah…(to Urinia) Sweetie, come here. (Gives her a hug)

Urinia: Why, Blitzy?

Blitzwing: I’ve just been diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Urinia: So?

Blitzwing: I didn’t want to burden you. I still love you, though.

Urinia: Oh, Blitzy! I’ll stand by you no matter what!

Blitzwing: Really? Come here, you!

They suck face.

All: Aww…

Megatron pokes his head in the room.

Megatron: Is everything all settled?

Diarrhea: It is, Meggy.

Megatron: Oh, my little sugarbot.

Diarrhea: Tee-hee! Oh, Meggy!

They suck face. All the couples suck face.

Rumble: Ugh.

Megatron: All right. Decepticons, to the air!

They take off.

CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH!

Megatron: I MEANT FLY OUT THE DOOR, NOT POKE HOLES IN THE ROOF!

Dirge: Oh! You should’ve specified then chief.

Megatron: *Sigh*

Intermission (jaunty piano music plays for 4 seconds)

Back to the show!

Some guy: Aah! I didn’t even get time to go to the bathroom!

At the Autobot picnic, we see the Dinobots playing volleyball using Cliffjumper, the Aerialbots taunting Silverbolt who‘s too scared to jump off a footstool, and the rest of the Autobots sitting around the campfire, eating beans and farting a la Blazing Saddles.

Optimus Prime: Aw, who put mayo in the sandwiches? *FART*

Jazz: Aw, don’t sulk, Optimus; have some beans. *FART* Ironhide, your casserole is certainly…interesting. what’s in it?

Ironhide: Uh, dead bugs, garden slugs, and turpentine. I got the recipe from Reflector’s Bar and Grill website. *FART*

Smokescreen: It’s better than eating Prowl’s Mystery Potato Salad. *FART*

Mystery Potato Salad: Grr…*FART*

Mirage: Man, when that Potato Salad turned 250, it sure got mean. *FART* Prowl, how come you never got rid of it?

Prowl: I did, several times. But it always found its way back. (to the PS) Didn’t you, you ugly bitch? *FART*

Mystery Potato Salad: Grr…

SMACK!

Prowl: OW!

Bumblebee: *FART*

Hound: Good one, check THIS out! *FART*

Bluestreak: Hey! Watch me light mine! *FART* (bursts into flames) AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!

Bluestreak explodes.

All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

*FART* *FART* *FART* *FART* *FART* *FART* *FART* *FART* *FART*

Megatron: Decepticons, atta--PU! What the FUCK…?

Skywarp: Ah, dude, it reeks!

Optimus: Well, what did you expect when we eat beans?

Diarrhea: Hang on! Vents, on!

A rush of pine scent comes out of her hands, neutralizing the stink.

Megatron: Whew! Much better! ATTACK!

Starscream lunges for Prime, Prime farts in his face.

Prime: *FART*

Starscream: AAAAAHHH!! NASTY! (vomits)

Megatron: I got you in my sight, Prime. There’s no escape! (aims his cannon at him) Any last words before I shoot you?

Starscream: SHOOT HIM NOW! SHOOT HIM NOW!

Prime: You keep outta this, he doesn’t have to shoot you now.

Starscream: Yes, he does. Megatron, I DEMAND that you shoot me now!

Megatron: Okay…(points his fusion cannon at SS)

Starscream: (sticking his oral probe out at Prime) NYAH!

Megatron fires his cannon, blowing off Screamer’s head. Screamer stands still for a moment, goes to fetch his head and returns, glaring maliciously at Prime.

Starscream: Let’s…try this…again.

Prime: Okay…(they turn to face the audience) Would you like to shoot me now, Megatron, or wait till you get home?

Starscream: Shoot him now, shoot him now.

Prime: You keep outta this, he doesn’t have to shoot you now.

Starscream: A-HA! THAT’S IT! Pronoun trouble. *wink*

Jazz: Is it me, or does that sound a little too familiar?

Daffy Duck: Sure does.

Megatron: I don’t have all day, you morons!

Voice: But WE do!

A platoon of lawyers charges up to them.

Starscream: Who are you?

Lawyer1: We represent Warner Brothers cartoons, and you, my mechanical friend, are in serious copyright infringement.

Bugs Bunny: Let’s get them!

All: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!

Skywarp: Get outta my way, bitch!

Mystery Potato Salad: Grr…

*WHAP*

Skywarp: OW! Sheeze…

Diarrhea: Sisters, merge!

They merge into PHFTTTH!

Megatron grins, his deadliest weapon is about to commence.

Megatron: My lovely, dest--OH, COME ON, ALREADY!

All of the Autobots have ripped off their codpieces and are masturbating to PHFTTTH!

Skywarp: Jeez, but at least they’re easy targets.

All of a sudden, PHFFTH! disengages!

Starscream: What the…

Diarrhea: Sisters, what is it?

Megatron: RETREAT!

In the confusion, Bloodclot and Hound manage to disappear and rendezvous nearby.

Ravage notices the two leaving the battle scene. He decides to follow and spy.

Bloodclot: I couldn’t…I didn’t want to see you perish, darling. I was the reason we disengaged.

Hound: It’s all right, sweetie. (They suck face)

Bloodclot: I don’t know what will happen when we get found out. I love you so much.

Hound: I love you, too.

Bloodclot: Not as much as I love you.

Hound: Not as much as I love you, dammit!

Ravage: BLLLLLLEEEEEAAARRRGGHHH!

Bloodclot: What was that?

Hound: Must be the wind.

Ravage takes off to con HQ. Meanwhile, back at Con HQ…

Megatron; DIARRHEA! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? WHAT HAPPENED OUT THERE?!

Diarrhea: I’m sorry, Meggy.

Megatron: Sorry?! YOU’RE GODDAMMED RIGHT YOU’RE SORRY!

Diarrhea: LOOK, we did all we could. One of us failed. I don’t know who, but I’ll find out. Don’t take that attitude with me! (Bristles)

Megatron: Grrr… Normally I would terminate for that kind of insolence, but you my love…I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.

Diarrhea: I will find out for you, Meggy.

Diarrhea walks down the corridor, very upset.

Diarrhea: I am very upset because one of my sisters if hiding something from me.

Uh-huh.

Diarrhea: Hmmm…if I use my rewind powers, I know who the guilty party is.

Rewind?

Diarrhea. Yeah. REWIND!!

RrrrrrrrrrrbubbibldibidbidiosRAAAAAAAAAAAARRRWORSHIPSATANbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzgodthiscrapsucksrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgiveTCallyourmoneyrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr--

Diarrhea: OK, now we’re up to the disengage scene. Aaaaaaaaaannnnd…

The tape snarls!

Diarrhea: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!

You should’ve said you were going to use the videotape. So much for being all-powerful.

Diarrhea: SHADDAP!

Ravage runs up to Diarrhea, obviously very agitated.

Diarrhea: Aw, Ravage, you poor kitty. Is that mean old Skywarp taunting you again?

Ravage: Mrror?

Subtitle: I got something for you!

Diarrhea: Aw, you wanna play fetch?

Ravage: ROWR!

Subtitle: No, I have proof who your guilty party is!

Diarrhea: Oh, you sweet thing, but I can’t right now. I have to figure out something.

Two plus two?

Diarrhea glares at the author.

Sorry. Couldn’t resist.

Diarrhea: Maybe some other time, Ravage…

Audience: HE HAS PROOF OF THE WEAK LINK, YOU DUMBASS!

Subtitle: I coulda told you that!

Diarrhea: Tee-hee! All right, Ravage. Show me what you got. (Transforms into her VCR mode.)

Ravage jumps in and plays the evidence.

Diarrhea: Ahh! Bloodclot, NO! Oh, Bloodclot! What am I gonna do? Meggy, everything is right when I am with him. Despite my powers, I need the reassurance of my man.

Diarrhea runs to Megatron’s office where he has passed out on the couch, wearing pink fuzzy slippers with a gallon of Double Dutch ice cream on the floor. His favourite teddy bear Pookie is tucked into the crook of his right arm.

Diarrhea: Aw, Meggy. He’s so cute. So peaceful when he sleeps.

Voice: At least he ain’t snoring.

Starscream crawls out from underneath a pile of blankets on the floor.

Diarrhea: Starscream? What are you doing here?

Starscream: Huh? Wha… (looks around) Oh! This ain’t Vomita’s room?

Diarrhea: No…

Megatron wakes up.

Megatron groggily: Starscream, take the camera and the petroleum back to your room. I don’t want Diarrhea to…

Diarrhea: AHEM!

Megatron: Huh…AAAAHHHH! Oh, shit! Heh-heh. This isn’t what it looks like, beloved!

Starscream: AAAAAAAAHHHHH!! (Runs out of the room)

Megatron: Way to help, Starscream! My buttercup…

Diarrhea: Meggy, we can’t discuss that, now. We have to have a serious talk!

Megatron: Uh…OK. What’s up?

Diarrhea: Meggy, something awful has happened.

Megatron: What?

Diarrhea: My sister, Bloodclot…is seeing…an AUTOBOT!

Megatron: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Diarrhea: WAAAAAAA!!

Megatron: Don’t worry, my love. (gathers Diarrhea into his arms) We’ll work this out. Soundwave can reprogram her--

Diarrhea aghast: NO! We can’t reprogram her. She is my sister. How would you like it if one of your siblings were re-programmed?

Megatron: Hmmm…Diarrhea, you’re absolutely right. It cannot be done. Very well, do what you need to get your sister out of this relationship.

Diarrhea: Thankyou, Meggy. I will not let you down.

Later…

Soundwave and Diarrhea are outside, under the window of Bloodclot’s room.

Soundwave: Diarrhea, I don’t know about this. I don’t feel comfortable about it.

Diarrhea: Oh, come on, Soundwave. I need you to get Blootclot’s mind off her Autobot boyfriend.

Soundwave: HUH? BLOODCLOT’S DATING AN AUTOBOT? (runs off) HEY GUYS, LISTEN TO THIS!

Diarrhea: Gnnn…SOUNDWAVE, GET BACK HERE!

Soundwave: Aw, come on. Can I tell just one?

Diarrhea: NO!

Soundwave: What do you expect me to do? Use my worldly charm?

All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!

Diarrhea: Soundwave, on my signal!

Diarrhea transforms into her CD player mode.

Diarrhea: Hold me above your head!

Soundwave complies. Peter Gabriel’s In Your Eyes begins to play.

Reflector: Oh, brother…

John Cusak: I was much better at it!

Soundwave: This music sucks.

Peter Gabriel: HEY!

Pete tries to beat the crap out of Soundwave.

Soundwave: Hey, buzz off, creep!

Soundwave drop kicks Peter Gabriel. Bloodclot sticks her head out the window.

Bloodclot: What the hell is this?

Soundwave: I…I…(whispering) what the hell’s my line?

Diarrhea: (whispering) I love you.

Soundwave: HUH?! Oh, Diarrhea, you don’t know how happy you made me!

Diarrhea: Not me loving you, idiot! You’re supposed to say that to her!

Soundwave: Oh, yeah! (to Bloodclot) Bloodclot, will you be my woman?

Bloodclot: Oh, Soundwave!

Bloodclot rushes to embrace Soundwave. They suck face.

All: Aww…

Diarrhea: Tee-hee! I got my sister away from that Autobot. Looks like everything is going to be OK.

All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Later that evening…

Hound waltzes up to the door of Decepticon HQ in a tux.

*KNOCK KNOCK*

Rumble: Who’s asking? It ain’t the Girl Scouts, is it? I owe $6000 for their cookies!

Hound: No, I’m here to pick up Bloodclot! We have a date.

Rumble: HUH? No way would Bloodclot date some Autobot dootchbag! She’s Soundwave’s woman.

Hound: HUH?!

Rumble: See for yourself! (Rumble opens the door to Bloodclot and Soundwave sucking face.)

Hound: HOLY SHIT!

Bloodclot: Ooh…never have I derived such pleasure from…HOUND?! Uh…oh…

Hound: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! I’ll…get…even…bitch.

Hound storms off.

Bloodclot: I thought there was something I forgot to do. Oh well. C’est la vie.

They suck face. In the meantime…

Peter Gabriel: Ah, shit. Where am I?

Voice: Grr…

Pete: Aah! What the buggery bollocky hell is this?

Prowl’s Mystery Potato Salad emerges from the clearing.

MPS: Grr.

Pete: Blimey! I’m not coming with you! I have a wonderful career back home! I…

*WHAP*

Pete: OW! Yes dear…

Peter Gabriel is being kidnapped by Prowl’s Mystery Potato Salad!! Will he be rescued?

Prowl: Not likely. I finally got rid of the son-of-a-bitch.

MPS: Grr.

*WHAP*

Prowl: OW!

END????