In the last installment of this God-awful soap opera, we found the two renegade lovebirds Bloodclot and Hound engaged in secret rendezvous, only to be broke up by Diarrhea and Bloodclot now dating Soundwave. Hound, as you can probably tell, is really pissed. Also, Peter Gabriel has been kidnapped by Prowl’s Mystery Potato Salad and is being held against his will in some undisclosed location…

Optimus Prime: Aw, don’t tell me we’re still working with this?

Jazz: Look at it this way, at least it’s… A PLOT!

Prime: God forbid we should have one with these fanfics.

Prowl: Still…I was happy to get rid of the bitch.

MPS: GRR…

*WHAP*

Prowl: OW! Where did you come from?

Prime: Well, I guess you know what we have to do.

Ironhide: Rescue Peter Gabriel?

Prime: No, make more potato salad.

All: YAY!

Meanwhile, in another location…

Hound: There must be SOME way I can win Bloodclot back, or at least get her attention. Think, man, think! But what can I do? Hmmm…I GOT IT!

Elsewhere…

Peter Gabriel: More tea, dear?

Mystery Potato Salad: Grr…

At Decepticon Headquarters…

*KNOCK KNOCK*

Rumble opens the door to see a Girl Scout standing there.

Rumble: Oh…hi, Janey. What’s shakin?

Jane: 1600 boxes of cookies, that’s $10000, plus tip.

Rumble: Shit. Sorry Jane, I don’t have a dime. (tries to shut the door on her)

Jane blocking the door: I didn’t ask for a dime. Ten thousand dollars. Cash.

Rumble: Well, you see…one of our army opened up a space-time continuum with his farts and my leader tripped on bad acid and tried to hijack a spaceship of octopuses, not to mention there’s a toxic-waste mutant made of potato salad running amok who kidnapped Peter Gabriel and it’s a really bad time, so come back later? Great! Bye.

Jane: That’s a helluva story.

Rumble: Well, check it out!

Rumble opens the door to show Jane the space-time continuum and Thundercracker with a big cork shoved up his ass, not to mention Megatron in the spaceship with the octopuses.

Megatron: OH MY GOD! BILL COSBY’S TRYING TO COME OUT OF MY NAVEL!

Soundwave: We don’t have navels, leader.

Megatron: Look! Fluffy bunnies! Which way to Alice?

Diarrhea: WAAAAAA! I want my Megababe back!

Octopus1: Don’t we all…

Octopus2: What do you think he’ll do with us?

Quintesson: Don’t look at me, I’m just along for the ride.

Megatron: BLAST OFF!

Megatron takes off in the ship with the octopuses and the Quintesson.

Starscream: I’m the leader now!

Soundwave: No, we gotta go get him!

Starscream: Shit.

Jane: Wow…

Rumble: See what I mean?

Later:

*KNOCK KNOCK*

Dirge opens the door to find an old lady standing there.

Dirge: AHH! Oh, I mean, hi, Martha.

Martha, Disgruntled Mary Kay Lady: One tube of “Fuck Me Red” lipstick, one “Peachy Keen” blush stick, one Oil-Free Powder in “Dead Guy Grey”, that’s $20.

Dirge: Oh, shit. Uh, Martha, you see…

Martha: Don’t wanna hear it. $20.

*BOOM*

Martha goes flying.

Dirge: Damn…

In the meantime…

Peter Gabriel: I say, love, where the buggery hell are we going?

MPS: Grrr…

*POOM* *POOM*

Pete: I say, love, you’re making tiny little space-time vortexes.

MPS: Grr…

All of a sudden, Megatron with the octopuses flies out of one of them!

Megatron: YEE-HA!

Pete: Did I just see that, a giant robot piloting a spaceship of octopuses?

MPS: Grr…

All of a sudden, the other Cons fly out of another vortex!

Soundwave: Where did he go?

Frenzy: Look, it’s Peter Gabriel!

Soundwave: Not now, we gotta find Megatron!

Skywarp: How? Look at all these vortexes!

Soundwave: Guess we’ll have to split up.

Thrust: Quit making those damn vortexes, huh?

MPS: GRRR.

*WHAP*

Thrust: OW!

Diarrhea: No! I have a better idea! (Puts on her warlock robe) Vortexes, disappear!

All the vortexes made by MPS disappear.

Starscream: Now, tell me, who did NOT see that coming?

Thrust: Uh…me.

Dirge: And me.

Skywarp: Oh, what the hell, me, too.

Starscream: SIGH Diarrhea, can you re-open one of those vortexes?

Diarrhea: Sure. Hang on…

*POOF*

A pretty pink vortex opens. Starscream shoves Dirge, Thrust and Skywarp through it.

Them: AAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Blitzwing: What did you do that for?

Starscream: Take an educated guess.

Blitz: All right, all right, sheez.

Urinia: Now Blitz…

Blitzwing: Yes, dear.

Suddenly, Megatron flies by with the spaceship.

Megatron: YEE-HA!

Wild Bill: That’s MY line, pardner!

Octopus1: HELP!

Quintesson: Yes, help.

All Cons: AAAAHHH!

All the Decepticons fire their weapons. The Quintesson explodes.

All: YAY!

Diarrhea: Meggy! Come back!

Megatron still zonked on acid: Look! Penguins!

Soundwave: Holy shit, is this gonna get any weirder?

All of a sudden, Jane the Girl Scout jumps out of the ship and lands on Rumble.

Jane pounding on Rumble: I WANT MY MONEY! YOU OWE ME MONEY! TEN THOUSAND BUCKS!

Rumble: AAAH! Getheroffgetheroffgetheroffgetheroffgetheroffgetheroff!!

Blurr: HEY!

Rumble runs around frantically trying to get Jane off…

All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I didn’t mean it THAT way, ya sickos.

Blitzwing: You should have thought of that before making us the way we are and sticking us in this crappy fic.

Starscream: Yeh. Why is Skywarp so horny, anyway?

Skywarp sticking his head out of the vortex: Yeah, why am I so horny?

Dunno. Why do other fanfic writers portray Starscream as a homosexual?

Thundercracker: I’ll field that one.

Starscream: NO YOU WON’T!

Screamer and TC start fighting on the ground in string bikinis.

Astrotrain: See what we mean?

Quiet or you will be where Dirge, Thrust and Warp are.

Astrotrain: Where’s that?

In some other universe…

Dirge: Ow. Where are we?

Thrust: Looks like the same place we just came from.

Skywarp: Gotta hand it to ol’ Screamer. He sure don’t make good with his threats.

A mechanical Richard Simmons wheels up to them.

Mechanical Richard Simmons: Allright, ladies and a-one! And a-two! Wiggle that flab!

All: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Skywarp: KIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLL!!!

Skywarp blasts Simmons to pieces.

Thrust: Well done.

Warp: Thanks, I--

All of a sudden, the shattered remnants of Richard Simmons starts piecing itself back together a la Terminator 2.

Dirge: What the--

Richard Simmons pulls himself back together. All of a sudden Martha’s face appears!

Dirge: AAAHH!

Martha: I WANT MY $20! TWENTY DOLLARS!

Dirge runs away screaming.

Thrust: That was weird.

Skywarp: No shit.

The Thunder Tank pulls up and abruptly stops. Amelia Earhart jumps out and is being chased by Japanese Trekkies in cowboy hats. We pan the camera to see Richard Nixon, Queen Victoria and Mao Zedong playing poker with 10 porn stars.

Thrust: I stand corrected.

Queen Victoria: We are not amused.

Skywarp: Only one way to top that off.

Thrust: Really, and it goes a little something like this. Lights please!

(singing)

Oh, this sucks! It really sucks!

The storyline! The plot!

Richard Nixon singing: Or should we say the lack oooooof…

Thrust: Quiet! This is MY solo!

Skywarp: Damn…

*BOOM*

Thrust dies.

*APPLAUSE*

Skywarp: Did we really need to do that?

Of course. Was there ever any doubt?

Meanwhile…

Soundwave: OK, Diarrhea, where’s our leader?

Diarrhea: Well, according to my radar, I have Meggy about 2 and 16 farthings due west.

They trudge on. Along the way…

Cheetara: Lion-O, are you sure this is the way?

He-Man: By the power of Greyskull…

Tweety: I taut I tau a weally bad cwossover!

Soundwave: Damn vortexes…

MPS: Grr…

*WHAP!*

Soundwave: OW!

Peter Gabriel: Love, must you do that all the time?

MPS: GRRR.

Pete: Sorry.

Starscream: Damn author is more like it.

*WHAP!*

Starscream: OW!

NYAH! Just for that…

Starscream: HEY! What the…

Soundwave: We’re being sucked into a vortex!

All: AAAAAA!

Two seconds later…

Thundercracker: Whr R we?

Diarrhea: Hmm, nust conta ctMeggie! *Meggie Meggie* ARR%! No answerr.

Starscream: W sem to be caught in the vortex of baad splling.

Diarrhea: It’s the vortz of cliched bad fanfic!

Soundwave: ARR Why we talk like thos?

Grimlock: Knock it off!

Vomita: Wht z happnoing?

Diarrhea adjusting scanners: We are in a realm known as Bad Spelling and Poor Grammar. We must plow ahead!

Urinia: Sis, why you sound so cleer?

Diarrhea: My Mary Sue is a shield against all.

Blitzwing: Figgurs.

Vomita: Screamer, hold mee!

Urinia: Blitzie!

Ellie May: Rammie!

Dudes: It’s all right, love…

All the couples suck face.

Back at Con HQ…

*KNOCK KNOCK*

Bloodclot opens the door to see Hound with a guitar.

Hound: Bloodclot, my love, I know you are with Soundwave now, but please, I know I can win you back.

Bloodclot: No, Hound. We are from two different parts of the universe. You are an Autobot, I am a Decepticon.

Hound: Well DUH! But love knows no boundaries. The air is chill. Let my love warm you.

Bloodclot: No, Hound! Soundwave will kick your ass if he sees this.

Hound: SOUNDWAVE?! No, no I do not believe this! I…I shall kill myself!

Hound runs off crying.

Bloodclot: Oh boy. I am so torn. I love Hound but I also love Soundwave. What to do, what to do…

Bloodclot2: I say go with Hound!

Bloodclot1: No way! Soundwave’s your man! Take him!

2: Hound!

1:Soundwave!

2: Oh my God, I’m…I’m…BECOMING A SPLIT PERSONALITY!

*DUM DUM DUUUMMMMM*

Bloodclot: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

End of Act I!

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The Stunticons walk to the center of the stage, singing and dancing, dressed like giant hot dogs and soft drinks.

Motormaster: (singing) Let’s all go the lobby, let’s all go to the lobby…

Wildrider dressed like a giant hot dog: Let’s all go to the lobby…WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO WEAR THIS GODDAM THING?

Drag Strip: SHADDAP!

All Stunticons: And get ourselves a snack!

The camera pans to the audience, all three Insecticons.

Dead End: I TOLD you guys this was a waste!

Motormaster: Well, since we’ve barely been mentioned, gotta do SOMETHING for cash! I got alimony payments to make!

Breakdown: SHUDDER Let’s get outta here!

Meanwhile, the Insecticons are watching this front row center.

Bombshell: So what do you guys think of this, huh?

Kickback: Beats watching Joe Millionaire.

Shrapnel: *SIGH* I hope Bloodclot gets the treatment she needs. She’s so pretty. Pretty.

All: …

Shrapnel: WHAT?! What.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back to the show!

Act 2, Allegro con moto

Diarrhea: Come along, Decepticons, we must find our leader.

Rumble: Carry me!

Soundwave: SHADDAP!

The TFs approach the crashed plane.

Thundercracker: Look! It’s the plane!

That’s just what I said…aw, never mind!

Diarrhea: Meggy? Love? Where are you?

*GROAN*

All of a sudden, they are surrounded by Predacons!

Quickstrike: Who are you guys?

Soundwave: We are from the first Generation. We have come to take our leader home.

Terrosaur: How do we know you are real?

Diarrhea: (whispering) Lemme try something…Ba weep gra na ni ni bong!

The Preds all look at each other scratching their heads.

BW Megatron: What the hell…SIEZE THEM!

(Weird Al Yankovic’s Dare to Be Stupid plays in the background. Brawn dies.)

G1 Cons: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Astrotrain: Diarrhea! DO SOMETHING!

Diarrhea: Like what?

Thundercracker: Godammit, Diarrhea! You’re the freakin’ Mary Sue! You can do ANYTHING!

Female Voice: Not quite my teal friend!

A beautiful pink Predacon shaped like a Great White Shark steps into view.

Skywarp: Who…is THAT?

Thundercracker: Hey Warp, where’d YOU come from?

Skywarp: Uh…plothole!

Starscream: So many of those laying around, I…(slips and falls into one)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ramjet: Whoa.

Dirge: She is fiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

Thundercracker: Mmm-mm MMMMMMM!

Rumble: WHOA, MOMMA!

Frenzy walks up to the pink Pred.

Frenzy: Hey baby! Ya wanna get whipped up into a--Frenzy…OW! (Soundwave smacks him)

Diarrhea: Who are you?

Pink Pred: My name is Pepto-Bismol. I am the Mary Sue of the Predacon circuit. Excuse me. (touches Inferno on the shoulder.)

Inferno: YES! YES! She touched me! I am truly blessed!

All the other Preds run up to Inferno, desperately touching his shoulder and tearing him to pieces.

Pepto-Bismol: You see, Diarrhea. As long as you are in the Beast Wars turf--

Dinobot: Yeh! Beastside!

Everybody groans in unison.

Peppie: ANYWAY, your powers are useless in this area.

Diarrhea: No, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Peppie: And your boyfriend is MINE!

Diarrhea and Preds: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOputownsubliminalmessageherefor$19.95goodforlimitedtimeonlyOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The G1 Cons are captured and herded into a cage.

Vomita: NOW what?

Urinia: Really. Since Diarrhea is practically useless…

Soundwave: You mean she’s more like you chicks now.

Vomita: SOUNDWAVE! I’m surprised at you! Especially since you’re dating our sister!

Soundwave: Considering that Pepto is Miss Thang, I could give a flying fuck about your sister.

Chicks: GASP!

Diarrhea: GROAN! (falls down)

Urinia: Sis, what is it?

Diarrhea: GASP I’m…COUGH dying. My Mary Sue-ness…gone. Cannot…survive...no man…I am not the most powerful…anymore…WHEEZE

Vomita: Diarrhea! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Diarrhea…(get this) DIES!

All: GASP!

Really, really sad music starts to play.

Longhaul: Holy shit!

Chicks: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Urinia: Blitzie! Hold me!

Blitzwing: Aw, jeez…

Ramjet: Hey, I’ve been thinking.

Thundercracker: Is that why you have smoke coming out of your ears?

Ramjet: SHADDAP! I meant to say, where’s my woman?

All: Hmm…

Somewhere on Cybertron…

Ellie May: HELP ME! My fellow warriors are at the mercy of an unknown band of rogues. Hold me, darling…

*DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMM*

Chromia: It’s all right, hon. How did you manage to escape?

Audience: OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!

Skywarp: All right! Finally some lesbo action!

GET OUTTA HERE!

Ellie May: My teleportation powers. I…I had to see you. You are my only hope.

Chromia: Shh…it’s all right. I’ll get the girls and we’ll rescue your friends. Even if they are Decepticons.

Ellie May: Oh, Chromia, I’m so happy!

They suck face.

*BOOOOOOIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG*

A shower of codpieces fly by.

All: EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!

Skywarp: Sorry!

Keep them on, will ya?

Astrotrain: We SAID we were sorry!

Coming up…

Will Diarrhea come back from the dead and win the Beast Wars?

Will Hound make good with his threat to kill himself?

Will Ellie May and Chromia’s relationship tear her and Ramjet apart?

Chromia: WAIT A SEC! You didn’t tell me you were dating Ramjet! I thought you said it was all over between you two!

Ellie May: Uh oh…

Oops. Stay tuned…

Starscream: HEY!

What?

Starscream: You didn’t mention me! Where did I go?

I was going to bring that up in the next installment.

Starscream: Why you…HOW DARE YOU! I AM STARSCREAM THE MIGHTY!

Cheez…

A vortex opens up.

Screamer: What are you doing?

Have a good time in plothole land, Screamer. BYYYYYYYYYYYYYE!

Starscream gets sucked into a vortex and crashes into an alternate universe.

Screamer: What the…

Thundercracker: Look! A spy! (captures Starscream)

Starscream: Thundercracker, what the fuck are you…

Skywarp: SILENCE!

Skywarp steps into view.

Starscream: What is this shit, Skywarp?

Skywarp: That’s LORD Skywarp! I am the ruler of the universe!

Screamer: Riiiiiiiiiiight.

Lord Skywarp: You dare question me? You are now my prisoner!

Starscream: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa… *GASP* (falls over)

Lord Skywarp: About time.

STAY TUNED!