One bright sunny day in Decepticon Headquarters…

Megatron drooling: I must have it!

Soundwave: But it is guarded very heavily. To attempt to steal it would bring catastrophe and lose many warriors.

Megatron: I DON’T CARE!! Send Laserbeak to get it!

Soundwave: Nuh-uh! You want it that bad, you get it!

Diarrhea waltzes in, surrounded by her usual minions. (birds chirp in the background)

Megatron: Ah, my beloved! (pulls her into his embrace) You are so beautiful!

Diarrhea: *giggles* Oh, Meggy! (They suck face.)

Soundwave: Ick.

Diarrhea: I sense something is troubling you, Meggy. What’s wrong?

Megatron: *sigh* My love, there is something out there I really need, but I cannot have it.

Diarrhea: Meggy! I’m ashamed of you! Nothing is impossible when you put your mind to it!

Megatron: You know…you’re right. What would I do if I didn’t have you, Diarrhea?

Diarrhea: *giggle* I know…I can get whatever you’re wanting.

Megatron: The 10-volume set of Girls Gone Wild on VHS. But the Autobots have it securely guarded in their headquarters. There is no way to get it.

Diarrhea: Step aside, Meggy. I will get it.

Megatron: I admit Diarrhea, I admire your warrior spirit.

Diarrhea: I know, I’m the toughest, sneakiest femme there is.

Megatron embraces Diarrhea.

Megatron: I love you, shmoopie.

Diarrhea: *giggle* Meggy…

They suck face.

Starscream: Jeez…

Diarrhea transforms into satellite mode.

Megatron: What are you doing, my love?

Diarrhea: Scanning to make sure I will not be intercepted by the Autobots on the way there...ooh, I found a cable company that carries the Women’s Entertainment channel!

Skywarp: Aw, sheez…chick movies?

Starscream: The closest you’ll ever get to the real thing, Skywarp.

Skywarp: No way! Not as long as I have Juwlee here. (Holds up an inflatable doll) Ain’t that right, sugar puff?

Thundercracker: Eesh.

Starscream takes a pin and pokes a hole in Juwlee. She deflates.

Skywarp: BASTARD!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Skywarp tackles Starscream, they fight on the floor.

Megatron: My beloved…is there anything you can’t do?

Soundwave: Survive without a man.

Megatron: SHADDAP! (Blasts Soundwave)

Diarrhea: *giggle* I’ll go get those videos Meggy.

They suck face again. Diarrhea takes off.

Megatron: SIGH I hope my love does not fail me.

Soundwave: Question: You sent Diarrhea to get the videos from Autobot HQ. Correct?

Megatron: Yeah. So?

Soundwave: Why didn’t you just order it from the web? Or call their toll-free number?

(pause)

Megatron: Shit…

Meanwhile…

Diarrhea zooms toward Autobot HQ at Mach 6. She has made herself invisible to all radar.

Diarrhea: This should be easy. I’m so powerful and sneaky.

She lands just outside of Autobot HQ. Diarrhea turns on her scanner vision.

Diarrhea: Hmmm…the videos seem to be in Optimus Prime’s room. It looks like he’s watching it right now…WHAT IS HE DOING WITH HIS HAND?

Diarrhea lets off a ear-splitting scream that alerts the Autobots to her. All of a sudden, she is surrounded!

Ironhide: HALT! Show yourself!

Jazz: Hey, it’s that honey from the Decepticons. Megatron’s chick.

Diarrhea: *sniff* I have a name--Meggy’s Mate!

All: MEGGY???! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Megatron in the distance: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Optimus Prime with his codpiece down around his ankles: STOP HER!

The Autobots attack Diarrhea. She successfully manages to thwart them.

Diarrhea: (to herself) Wait. If I allow myself to be captured, I will be able to get into Headquarters and get the videos. I am one sneaky, femme.

She allows herself to be captured. They take her inside and throw her in a cell. Optimus Prime comes in a while later to interrogate her.

Prime: What were you doing outside of our headquarters?

Diarrhea: Hmmph! I will not talk to you! (turns her nose up in the air)

Prime: You got a booger hanging out of your nose.

Diarrhea: EEEEEEEEWWW! GROSS! (Flicks it away.)

Prime: I’ll repeat: What were you doing outside our quarters?

Diarrhea: You can’t treat me like this! I’m telling my boyfriend! He’ll come and beat you up!

Prime: Jeez…

Prime leaves. Diarrhea grins.

Diarrhea: I have triggered a nerve in him…let’s see if I can get out of this cell and get that video.

Diarrhea makes herself invisible and small enough to slip out of her cell.

Diarrhea: OK, I’m out of the cell. Oh yeah! Gotta make a hologram of myself so the Autobots won’t know I’ve escaped!

Hound: No fair!

Diarrhea makes a hologram of herself in the cell. With that done, she slips past the tightly guarded room and walks towards Prime’s quarters.

Diarrhea: That was too easy. How do I do it? Oh, I’m outside Optimus Prime’s quarters! Need to see if he’s in there…

*BEEP BEEP*

…but intruders are approaching!

Diarrhea makes herself invisible and floats in the air. Mirage and Cliffjumper walk past.

Mirage: So where are you off to?

Cliffjumper: To get a gander at Diarrhea. She is something, isn’t she?

Mirage: You said it. Quite a rack she’s got! Ever bigger than Elita-1.

Prime: I heard that, Mirage!

Mirage: Dammit.

Diarrhea: Tee-hee!

Cliffjumper: What was that?

Diarrhea: Shit.

Mirage: It’s Diarrhea! She’s escaped! GET HER!

Diarrhea: Never, Autobots! Feel my wrath because I am pissed!

Diarrhea spins herself into a hurricane, sucking up all of the Autobots. She manages to sneak into Prime’s quarters.

Diarrhea: Lessee, it’s gotta be here somewhere…turn on scanner! (looks around some more with her powerful internal scanner) oh! It’s in the VCR! Prime must have been watching it! Here it is! (grabs the volume set) HORRAY! I’m happy because I accomplished my mission for my Megahunk. *Tee-hee!*

The Autobots start pounding on the door.

Diarrhea: Uh-oh! I don’t have much time. Go-go Gadget rocket mode!

Diarrhea transforms into a rocket mode and takes off for Decepticon HQ. All the Autobots stand outside shouting curses…

Trailbreaker: WOO YEAH, MOMMA!

Bumblebee: Yum, yum, GIVE ME SOME!

Prime: Ugh…

…Well, most of them. Diarrhea returns to HQ, safe and sound.

Diarrhea: Meggy! I got it!

Megatron: My beloved! (He sweeps her into his arms and they suck face.) You did it!

Soundwave: She got the tapes? ROCK ON!

Skywarp: Gimme! Naked chicks! NAKED CHICKS!

Soundwave and Skywarp start fighting on the floor. Starscream grabs the tape and pops it into the VCR.

Rumble: Whoa! Check out those knockers!

Megatron: *gargle* (drools all over the place)

Diarrhea: Meggy…

Megatron: Mmmmmmm… (still drooling)

Diarrhea: MEGGY!

Megatron: Wha, WHA?

Soundwave: Dammit, woman, shut up!

Megatron: Yeah, bitch! Go get me a beer!

Diarrhea: WAAAAAAAAAA!!! (runs off crying)

Thundercracker: That was unusually harsh of you, leader.

Megatron: Eh. Somebody’s gotta show the bitch who’s boss. Even if she is more powerful than me.

Diarrhea from another room: WHAT WAS THAT?!

Megatron: Nothing, dear!

Everybody makes whipping noises.

Megatron: Knock it off!

All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

THE END!