The Next Morning…

Megatron smoking a cigarette: Ah, that was fun. Let’s go fight the Autobots today. This will be Diarrhea’s inaugural battle. I can’t wait to see my beloved in action. The Autobots won’t know what hit them. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Diarrhea emerges, looking as radiant as ever.

Megatron: Ah, good morning, my beloved. (Kisses her passionately. They stop when they realize all the Cons are looking at them)

Diarrhea: *GASP!* (blushes furiously)

All: Awwwww…

Megatron: It’s all right, sweets.

Diarrhea: *giggle* Oh, Meggy…(stops dead in her tracks)

Skywarp: What is it?

Diarrhea: I’ve detected something on my super-sensitive radar.

Soundwave: You have radar?

Diarrhea: Yes, I can detect vibrations, movement, infrared and UV from 6000 miles off.

Soundwave: Bitch…

Megatron: Now, now, Soundwave! Let my beloved do her thing.

Thundercracker: She already did. How was she, by the way?

Megatron blasts Thundercracker.

Diarrhea: I detect a large fleet…gonna have to do sight beyond sight for a better view.

Lion-O: HEY!

Diarrhea: Hmmm…Autobots, coming this way!

Megatron: All right, guys, let’s go!

The two forces meet…

Optimus Prime: Aw, here comes the Decepticons. Who is that with them?

Ironhide: She’s purty.

Sunstreaker: Wow…she’s even better looking than I am. *SOB!*

Jazz: I don’t wanna fight her. She’s so beautiful. *SIGH*

Prime: I…I must admit, she is very beautiful.

Alita-1: Prime? Honey?

Prime: Wow…I must know her name.

Alita-1: PRIME!

Prime: HUH?! Who are you?! Oh, sorry, Alita.

Alita: Hmmph! (storms off)

Megatron: Decepticons, ATAAAAAAAAAAAACCCKKKKK!!

Diarrhea impresses the Autobots with her skillful aerial maneuvers. She spins and fires with stunning accuracy.

Prime: OW! I know we should OW! Shoot her, but OW! She is so beautiful OW! I would hate to hurt her.

Prowl: Me too. OW! MY ASS!

Sunstreaker grins fiendishly.

Rumble: Dude, check that out! Diarrhea’s beating the crap out of the Autobots!

Skywarp: I know! Isn’t she gorgeous? SIGH I hate to say this, but I’m rather envious of her powers.

Thundercracker: Really. It’s almost as if we’re not even needed.

Thrust: Like how she seems to have all our powers?

Thundercracker: Yeah! Like how she just teleported.

Skywarp: HEY! That’s my power!

A horrible noise stops everybody dead.

Dirge: OR THAT HIDEOUS RACKET!

Thundercracker: THAT’S MY SPECIAL POWER!

Skywarp: HUH?

Thundercracker: WHAT?

Thrust: Look! She’s flying at mach 6, isn’t that Starscream’s special power?

Bonecrusher: Naw, his special power is in endless bitching.

Megatron: And his full frontal massages.

All: …

Megatron: WHAT?!

Soundwave: What is she doing now?

Scavenger: Looks like she has some substance flying out of her subspace pocket.

Starscream: What is it…oh, no! AAAAAACKKKKK!!

A monstrous gob of diarrhea hits all, friends and foes. (Now you know why she’s called Diarrhea) *rim shot*

All: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!

Thundercracker: Nasty!

Megatron: I know! But isn’t it cute? I love her so much! *SIGH*

Dirge: Look! She’s kicking it up to warp speed!

All: OOOH! AAAAHH!

Diarrhea flies at warp speed, opening a vortex and sending her to 1945. The place, Tokyo.

Peabody: Sherman, did you see that?

Sherman: Gosh, Mr. Peabody. I though we were the only ones who could travel back in time.

Peabody: Quiet, you!

Diarrhea: What the…

The Japanese emperor Hirohito steps out of his palace and starts screaming at her.

Emperor Hirohito in dubbed English: What kind of creature is this? Destroy it, Imperial Army!

The Japanese Imperial Army fires their weapons at her. Massive numbers of kamikaze pilots crash into her, but to no avail.

Horohito: AAAAAAHHHH!! We must retreat! She is too powerful!

The Enola Gay flies over Diarrhea and drops a nuke on her.

Diarrhea emerges unscathed because of her nuke-impervious skin.

Diarrhea in poorly dubbed English: HAHAHAAA! FEEL MY WRATH!

Diarrhea destroys Japan.

Godzilla: No fair!

Diarrhea: Oops! Took too long, didn’t mean to go back in time, anyway.

She takes off and goes through the vortex that propels her to the present. All of the Transformers are just standing there, staring. When she lands, everyone rushes up to her.

Megatron: My darling, I was worried sick!

Optimus Prime: Don’t ever, ever do that again!

Diarrhea: Uh, aren’t you guys supposed to be fighting?

Skywarp: Fight?? With you gone? Are you insane?!

Soundwave: OK, now that she’s back, let’s pick up where we left off. DIE, AUTOBOTS!

The battle resumes. The Decepticons, as usual, are getting their butts kicked.

Megatron: Shit! We must retreat.

Diarrhea: NEVER!

Megatron: What do you have in mind, my love?

Diarrhea: Lessee, lemme see what I can find. (Goes through her subspace pocket. She throws out a hair dryer, tweezers, Chapstick, plasma nuke cannon, cluster bombs, nuclear warheads…)

Megatron: DIARRHEA!

Diarrhea turns to glare at him. Megatron falters because he has never seen her this angry. Megatron gives her a hug and kiss.

Megatron: I’m sorry, my love.

Diarrhea: *giggle* Anyway, I got too much shit in my subspace pocket, literally!

A flood of shit rushes out of her subspace pocket.

Skywarp: Yuck.

Diarrhea: Oh, here we go! *grins sheepishly* I forgot, I know witchcraft!

Starscream: How’s that going to help us?

Diarrhea: You’ll see! (starts to chant)

Ancient Spirits of Evil…

Transform this Mary Sue form…

To MEGADIARRHEA!

THE EVER-LIVING!!!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Diarrhea suddenly grows 40 feet. Weapons of all shapes and types appear on her body. She is now super-powerful.

Ramjet: Wow…

Starscream: Not only is she gorgeous, she can kick ass as well. *SIGH* Megatron is one lucky guy.

All: …

Starscream: WHAT?!

Diarrhea leaps into the air.

Diarrhea: Now feel my wrath!

A flurry of weapons fire on the hapless Autobots. Cluster-bombs, missiles, laser fire, a couple of nukes, amongst other things. The hapless Autobots run for cover.

Megatron: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!! The Autobots are FINISHED!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Oh, boy! Tune in tomorrow for the further adventures of…

DIARRHEA!! (da-da DAAAAAAA!!!)