At Deception HQ…

Megatron: Soundwave, I need a report on the that energy source--

All of a sudden, the love theme from Tchaikovsky’s “Romeo and Juliet” begins to play.

Skywarp: Where is that crappy music coming from?

A beautiful brown seeker steps into view. Everybody stops to stare because she is so fuel pump-stoppingly gorgeous.

Megatron: Ahem…and who might you be, you beautiful creature?

Seeker: My name is Diarrhea.

Megatron: Ah, so…lyrical! So tell me, are you seeing anyone?

Diarrhea: Actually, no. I was created to be the One True Love of a certain character.

All the guys: WHO? WHO?! (crowds around Diarrhea because they all want her to be their love)

Diarrhea: Uhh…I don’t know yet. I guess I have to pick one.

All: MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!

Diarrhea: But I need a man, FAST!

Megatron: Not a problem, my sweet! He’s right here.

Starscream: Nuh-uh! He’s right here!

Diarrhea: Ohh…AAAAAAAA!!! (Crumples to the floor in agony.)

Thundercracker: What’s wrong?

Diarrhea: Oh…system…failure. *gasp* *wheeze*

Skywarp: From what?

Diarrhea: Bonding structures…need man…cannot survive…independently.

Megatron: Say no more, sweets. You will be my woman.

Skywarp: YOUR woman?! What if she wants to be with someone else?

Thundercracker: Like you, for instance?

Warp: YEAH!

All the males fight over the honor of being Diarrhea’s man. Diarrhea moans because she is in pain due to lack of boyfriend. Ten minutes later…

Megatron: ENOUGH! This fight is over! Diarrhea shall be MY woman! Those who oppose, DIE!

Starscream: OK, OK, jeez…

Megatron: Diarrhea, love? Oh, SHIT!

Soundwave: What?

Megatron: She’s dead!

Starscream: HUH?!

Megatron: It must have been when we were fighting…she couldn’t hold out for ten lousy minutes! WAAAAAAAAAAA!!! The love of my life! *SOB* *SOB*

Diarrhea suddenly jumps to her feet, energized.

All: HUH??!!

Thrust: Wow, that was quick.

Diarrhea: Wasn’t it?

Megatron: Oh, Diarrhea! I was so scared for a moment…I mean, welcome to the Decepticons; Soundwave was the one who was scared…really.

Soundwave: I was?

Megatron: Yeah. *ahem* WELCOME WAGON!

Rumble and Frenzy dance up to Diarrhea a la those 3 Munchkins form the Wizard of Oz.

R + F: (singing)

We represent, the Lollipop Guild

The Lollipop Guild

The Lollipop Guild

and in the name of

The Lollipop Guild…

We wish to welcome you to Munchkin Land! (hands her a lollipop)

All: …

Dirge: O…K…

Megatron: Come, my dear…

All the Decepticons bust out laughing.

Megatron: *SIGH* Perverts. What I mean is, my lovely. I would like to see you in action…

All the Decepticons hoot like jackals.

Megatron: SHADDAP! Diarrhea, I want you to test your weapons for me.

Diarrhea: Why didn’t you say that earlier?

Megatron: Yeah, why didn’t I? (looks at author)

Author: Uh, cause I fuckin felt like it. Now, get going, bitch!

Megatron: Yes, dear.

At the arena…

Megatron: All right, my dear. We shall test your powers.

Screamer, Warp and TC challenge her to a dogfight. Diarrhea amazes them by her stealth and flying up to speeds of Mach 6.

Skywarp: Wow, she’s good.

Starscream: Yeah, faster than even me. Normally this would piss me off to no extent, but since she’s so beautiful…

Thundercracker: Yeah, I can’t imagine ever getting mad at her.

Megatron: Excellent. Show me your firepower!

Rumble: Show me your boobs--OW! (Soundwave hits him)

Diarrhea stuns the ensemble with her astonishing array of weaponry. She demonstrates her cluster bombs, null ray, laser cannons, fusion cannon, nuclear warheads, mind-reading and mind manipulation abilities, her ability to see into the future, her ability to see through walls and mirages, make holograms, bake a cake while ironing, doing aerobics, and grocery shopping, and her forms: Jet, sports car, oral thermometer, 120-piece wrench set, alarm clock, satellite, fusion cannon, make-up kit, and CD player, amongst others.

Soundwave: Wow…

Megatron: Excellent. We’ll test your other powers later, Diarrhea. Right now, we have to weed through some dumbass subplots.

All: YAAAAAY!

Megatron: Now…what’s the subplot…oh yeah! I fall in love with Diarrhea and officially make her my woman. *ahem* This Diarrhea…she does something to me. She makes me feel nervous and self-conscious. Can’t let anyone see it. SWOON

Starscream: Gag…

Megatron: Shaddap!

Later, at Diarrhea’s quarters…

*Knock knock*

Diarrhea: Who is it?

Rumble: Special delivery!

Diarrhea: Huh? (opens the door to see Rumble wearing a bellhop outfit) What is it Rumble? (Rumble gapes because he is transfixed by her beauty)

Rumble: Well *ahem* (singing)

Well, here are some pretty roses,

Pretty roses for you,

Cause our beloved Con leader

You are his Mary Sue!

Here ya go…(hands her the bouquet)

Diarrhea: Awww…

Rumble: Now gimme a buck!

Diarrhea: Huh?

Megatron: (from around the corner): DAMMIT, RUMBLE! (blasts Rumble)

*chuckles* Well, Diarrhea, I was going to ask you something. You are very beautiful, you know that?

Diarrhea: *giggle* Oh, Meggy.

Megatron: Well…(looking off-camera) Do I have to do this?

Voice off-camera: YES!

Megatron: *SIGH* Diarrhea, will you be my main love?

Diarrhea: Oh, Meggy!

They kiss passionately. Diarrhea is stunned because she didn’t know the leader of the Decepticons was capable of such tenderness. They make love right there in her quarters, unaware that Reflector is hiding in the vents taking numerous photos.

Thirty seconds later…

Diarrhea moaning passionately: Oh, Meggy, you’re…done?

Megatron grunts, rolls over, and starts to snore.

Diarrhea: Mmm…that was nice. I have my man…I wonder what he’s thinking? I know! I will use my mind-reading skills!

She taps into Megs’ cranial chamber.

Megatron in deep thought: BOO-YEAH! I got some!

Diarrhea: *SIGH* I will teach him to love. I will be a terrific influence on Megatron. I will show him how to treat females with respect.

Megatron wakes up.

Megatron smoking a cigarette: You were incredible, Diarrhea.

Diarrhea: Hmph.

Megatron: What’s wrong, Diarrheakins?

Diarrhea: It…it’s just…WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! (breaks down sobbing)

Megatron puts his arms around Diarrhea and holds her. Diarrhea sighs happily.

Megatron: All better.

Diarrhea: As long as I’m in your arms, everything’s perfect.

Megatron: Awww…(melts into a puddle)

Diarrhea: Meggy…I just want you to know I am not some whore. I want you to treat me with respect. Would you treat your sister/mother/daughter this way?

Megatron: Whaddya mean? I don’t sleep with any of them.

Diarrhea: *sigh* I read your mind. I know you were happy simply because you slept with me.

Megatron: Uh-oh. I’m sorry, my sweet. You are right. I know if I was a chick, I wouldn‘t like to be treated like that. (gives her a kiss on the forehead)

Diarrhea: Much better.

Megatron: I love you, my little seeker-peeker.

Diarrhea: GIGGLES Oh, Meggy!

Megatron: Oh, Marsha!

Diarrhea: WHO?!!

Megatron: Uhh…never mind. Let’s just suck face.

Diarrhea: Tee-hee! OK!

They kiss, everybody vomits.

Starscream: Is this crap over yet?

Soundwave: In your dreams. We still have 20 more episodes to film.

Thundercracker: Ugh…

END (for now)

Coming up…in the next episode…

Diarrhea meets the Autobots!