When we last left off…

Megatron interrupting: I, Megatron, Supreme Ruler of all the Decepticons, have been crowned King of the Galaxy, with my beloved Diarrhea as my Queen.

Diarrhea: *giggle* Oh, Meggy! (They suck face.)

Starscream: Good Lord…

Soundwave: Well, Megatron was the reason we had to cut the last fic short.

Skywarp: Yeah, due to a medical emergency.

Bonecrusher: Not that it’s any of you fleshies business, but it involved our leader, some petro-rabbits, and six quarts of Pennzoil.

Megatron: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! (Blasts Bonecrusher.)

All right, all right, SHUT UP!

Thundercracker: Jeez, what a grump.

ANYWAY, to continue, Diarrhea had transformed from a plain old Mary Sue to the Mega-Mary Sue! The Autobots are in serious danger of being annihilated. On with the fic…

Optimus Prime: Autobots! We must find some way to stop Diarrhea or she will kill us all!

Brawn: Boy, you’re really on the ball with this, aren’t you?

Prime: Dammit, Brawn!

Prime tosses Brawn into Diarrhea’s range. He gets struck in the shoulder by a null ray and dies.

Bumblebee: Oh my God! They killed Brawn!

Cliffjumper: You bastards!

Jazz: Jeez, Prime…

Prime: Aw, I can’t help it, it’s fun. Besides, he always comes back.

Prowl: New topic: So what are we gonna do about Diarrhea? We have to destroy her, but wow…

Wheeljack: I know what you mean. Surely I can invent something that will won’t destroy her, but render her incapacitated, so we can capture her and take her back with us.

Hound: Why incapacitate? Admittedly, she’s beautiful…

Diarrhea: Thank you, Hound!

Hound: Welcome! But anyway, she is the enemy. Why you wanna keep her?

Wheeljack: For…analytical purposes, yeah…

Optimus Prime: We’ll keep her in my room!

Wheeljack: YOUR room? I’m the damn scientist! I need to analyze her!

Prime: Analyze this, freak-o!

Bumblebee: Bumblebee superior, all else inferior.

All: …

Bumblebee: WHAT?

Soundwave: Hey, that’s my line! I’M TELLING!

Bumblebee: Tell WHO?!

Soundwave: COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT! (Points at Bumblebee.)

A platoon of Hasbro’s lawyers march up to the battlefield.

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

All fire their weapons, the lawyers emerge unscathed.

Diarrhea: Damn, they survived all that I had to offer?! NO FAIR! I’M supposed to be the all-powerful here!

Megatron: RETREAT! WE MUST SAVE OURSELVES!

Starscream: Nice going, Soundwave.

All: YEAH!

Soundwave: Sorry…

Everyone flees to another site.

Megatron: OK, let’s pick up where we left off.

Wheeljack: Uhhh…oh, yeah! We need to incapacitate Diarrhea.

Diarrhea: You’re going to WHAT?!

Wheeljack: HUH?

Bluestreak: ZOIKS!

Diarrhea: I read your mind, Wheeljack. That will be impossible!

Mirage: Holy shit!

Sunstreaker: Hey, Diarrhea, can you read what’s on MY mind?

Diarrhea: (brief pause) PERVERT! (Drop kicks Sunstreaker into the next galaxy.)

Ratchet: Can’t say he didn’t have that coming, after molesting Prowl like that.

Prowl: Oh, damn! I thought you were the one who grabbed my butt!

All: …

Prowl: Crap.

Huffer: Hey, look!

All turn to see Diarrhea snapping her fingers.

Ironhide: What the…

KABOOM!

Massive bolts of lightning suddenly flash down from the sky. Diarrhea manages to harness them a la Shrapnel.

Shrapnel: Hey! Hey.

Bombshell: Another individual’s special power bites the dust.

A load of cerebro shells flies by Bombshell.

Bombshell: Dammit!

Diarrhea sends the harness lightning to the Autobots, sending them flying.

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Megatron: Sweetie, you didn’t even kill them!

Diarrhea: *giggle* No, Meggy, I’m just warming up. Check this out!

ZAP!

The Autobots turn into mindless slaves.

Soundwave: What the…

Diarrhea: I have mind control powers as well.

Starscream: Why am I not surprised?

Autobots droning: We are yours to command, Diarrhea.

Megatron: Excellent! Finish them off!

Soundwave: Why?

Megatron: Because I said so!

Soundwave: But now that they are under our control, we can use them for our dastardly purposes!

Megatron: NONONONONONONONONONONONONO! I WANNA DESTROY THEM! WAAAAA! (throws a huge tantrum.)

Starscream: Uh-oh! Look like somebody needs a nappy change!

Megatron: Get away from me!

Megatron blasts Starscream.

Soundwave: Now Megatron, after you have your bottle, we’ll discuss this rat--

Megatron: Now LISTEN HERE! I AM THE LEADER! What I say, GOES!

Soundwave: All right, all right, ya big baby…

Megatron: WHAT WAS THAT?

Soundwave: Nothing…

Diarrhea: What do you want me to do with them, Meggy?

Autobots droning: What do you want Diarrhea to do with us, Megatron?

Megatron: DESTROY THEM!

Diarrhea: Tee-hee! OK!

Diarrhea takes on a glow of electricity…

Diarrhea: I am harnessing all of my powers to destroy the Autobots!

…OK, anyway, she crackles and buzzes. Her optics glow with fervent light. All the Decepticons are standing entranced because they cannot believe this bot is so beautiful and deadly. Not to mention that she is going to destroy the Autobots in her first encounter since it took them millions and millions of years…

Soundwave: Hey! That wasn’t our fault! Take it up with our script writer!

Thundercracker: Megatron, what are you doing--GROSS!

Skywarp: I didn’t think we robots were capable of that.

Blitzwing: In the fleshie fanfic world, anything is possible.

Starscream transforms Reflector and takes numerous photos of Megatron doing...what he’s doing. (Use your imagination, kiddies!)

Diarrhea: AHEM! Fellas, over here! YOO-HOO! I’m about to do something that took you guys millions of years, and very poorly, I might add.

Autobots droning: OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!

Before Diarrhea can do anything, a flood of an unknown substance engulfs her.

Diarrhea: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! I’m melting, MELTING! Oh, what a world, what a world…who would’ve thought that my beautiful Mary Sue would be terminated…

Margaret Hamilton: Give it up! I was a lot better!

Diarrhea: …I’m going…AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Everyone stops.

Megatron: My beloved…gone! NOOOOOOOO!!!

*BOOM!*

Megs blows his own head off!

Starscream: Alas! I am the new leader! But, it just seems so trite and unimportant since Diarrhea died. *SIGH*

*BOOM!*

Screamer blows his head off.

Skywarp: *SIGH* what the hell.

Skywarp, Thundercracker, et al blow their heads off.

Rumble: YAY! I’m the leader now!

Soundwave: No you’re not!

*BOOM!*

Soundwave offs Rumble, then himself.

Optimus Prime: Wow…the Decepticons are finally gone…

Ironhide: I know at any other time we would be celebrating, but now…

Prime: Diarrhea?

Ironhide: Yeah.

Prime: Who would do such an awful thing?

Voices: WE DID!

Alita 1, Chromia and Firestar emerge from their hiding place.

*GASP!*

Prime: How could you DO such a thing! You’re Autobots!

Chromia: Yes, but you weren’t paying enough attention to us!

Prowl: How did you kill her?

Firestar: Pepto-Bismol and Kaeopectate. Proven to relieve diarrhea!

Everybody groans in unison.

Alita-1: Come home, Primey! You’ve had your fun!

Prime: The hell!

Prime blows his head off. All the Bots blow their heads off.

Chromia: Now what?

Firestar: At least we have each other. Let’s go, girls.

Alita-1: Hey! I’M the leader here! I say when we get to leave.

Firestar: Sorry, Chief.

The femmes have a huge lesbian orgy and take off into the sunset to start their new lives sans mechs. (Almost) All are now one…dead.

THE END?

(In your dreams--you think fanfics like these would actually follow through with a continuing storyline? HA!)