And we stumble into yet another fic of soap opera sister rivalry. Can we say fuck…

One fine day, as these stories always start out…

Megatron: I love you.

Diarrhea: I love you. Something is bothering me, my love.

Megatron: And what might that be, Sugarplum?

Diarrhea: Tee-hee! Meggy! It’s Bloodclot!

Megatron: Is she still seeing that Autobot? I thought I told you to fix her up with Soundwave?

Diarrhea: No, no, not that. She…she wants to take over as Femme Leader.

Megatron: She WHAAAAAAAAA..??

Diarrhea: Yes, Meggy. I read her mind as we were eating breakfast. She wants to usurp me and take over as the Leader…and be your woman.

Megatron: …

Diarrhea: Meggy?

Megatron: Sisters…

Diarrhea: MEGGY!

Megatron: I’m sorry my love. I will do everything in my power to stop her.

Diarrhea: Aw, Meggy…(they suck face) I have to go. (she takes off)

Megatron musing: Sisters fighting over me…I’M DA MACK DADDY, BIATCH!

Meanwhile…

Diarrhea is in the Femme’s room, powdering her nose. A band of angels is singing and fairy dust is being sprinkled all around.

Diarrhea: Lalalalaaaa…

Smurfs: LA la la la laaaa…

Diarrhea gets besieged by talent scouts.

Simon: You just won American Idol!

Diarrhea: Tee-hee! Happens every time!

Simon: Not you, bitch! The Smurfs!

Diarrhea: Dammit!

Smurfs: YAY!

A shadow is seen lurking behind Diarrhea, who is putting on lipstick as we speak. Hey wait a sec, why do robots need lipstick?

Diarrhea: To look good for our men, silly!

Oh right.

*CREAK*

Diarrhea spins around.

Diarrhea: What the…

Voice: Hasta la vista, Diarrhea.

*BOOM*

Diarrhea falls down, hurt. (Yes, hurt, believe it or not)

All: GASP!!

The figure steps out of the shadows.

Bloodclot: For too long, sis you were the one who had it all. The guys, the attention…Now, it’s all mine. BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!

Diarrhea: You…bitch! (passes out)

A short time later…

Bloodclot waltzes to Megatron’s office.

Bloodclot: Megatron, I have a terrible announcement. Diarrhea has deserted. I am taking over as the new Femme leader and will also be your woman.

Megatron: HUH?!

Bloodclot: It’s true! That bitch took off.

Megatron: I…I can’t believe it. The love of my life…deserted me…WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Bloodclot: There, there, love. Blow.

Megatron: …

Bloodclot: Uhhh…no! I meant blow your nose in this Kleenex!

Megatron: Aww…(blows his nose)

Bloodclot: And now, I shall take the rightful place as Your Woman!

Megatron: Come here, love. (they suck face)

Later…

Megatron: Fellow Decepticons, I have an announcement to make. Diarrhea has deserted us…

All: GASP! (half commit suicide)

Megatron: DAMMIT! I…my sweet patootie…WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Bloodclot: SIGH Meggy! Listen! I have taken over as the new Femme leader…

Chicks: HUH?!

Bloodclot: ANNNNND as the new Love of Megatron’s Life!

All: WHATTHEFUCKWASTHAT?!

Soundwave: Uhh…ok. Gotta stupid question. Why are you with Megatron and not with ME?!

Bloodclot: Part of contract fulfillment. We need to have at least one fic where one of the sisters tries to overthrow Diarrhea and become the new Femme Leader.

Urinia: Err…there was no Femme Leader. It was Diarrhea & Co.

Bloodclot: Well, now we do.

Hound: Trust me, Soundwave, it is. Let’s get a beer.

Soundwave: I’m hip.

Skywarp: *shakes his head* OK, now what?

Bloodclot: I just told you, Megatron is now My Man.

Thundercracker: Ugh…

Bloodclot: Tee-hee!

Reflector: Ye Gods…

Voice: THE HELL!

All: GASP!

Diarrhea emerges, scarred but functioning.

Bloodclot sputtering: W-w-w-what? It’s not possible! You’re supposed to be finished!

Diarrhea: Silly girl…I am a Mary Sue.

Bloodclot: Shit!

Megatron: Oh…beloved! I am so pleased you’re not dead!

Diarrhea: You don’t sound so sincere, Meggy.

Megatron: Well, I was hoping you chicks would have a tickle fight over me.

Frenzy: Yeah, showing your breasteses…OW! (Thundercracker smacks him)

Starscream: There is one way to handle this, however repugnant it sounds.

Skywarp: Bikini Jell-O wrestling?

Starscream: NO! I mean…

A few days later in a studio….

Thundercracker: I can’t believe we’re here.

Skywarp: No shit. I wanted bikini Jell-O wrestling.

Starscream: Tough! Considering this is a fleshie soap, we’re supposed to do what the sick author wants us, no matter the cost.

Optimus Prime: Leave me outta this!

Jerry Springer: Hello, welcome to my show. Today’s topic is “Disgruntled Robot Sisters and the Men Who Love Them.” Our first guest is Bloodclot. How are you?

Bloodclot: Well, Jerry, it’s like this: I have the hots for our Commaneder…

Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bloodclot: Thing is, my sister’s been bogarting him! I tried to kill her so he could be with me…

Audience: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOA!

Jerry: Wait! Wait! Wait! You tried to kill your own sister?

Bloodclot: Yeah…she’s a bitch!

Audience: Ooohh!

Jerry: Well, let’s bring her out, her name is Diarrhea. Diarrhea!

Diarrhea walks out to the stage, Bloodclot tries to ambush her.

Audience: (on its feet) WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The sisters fight some more, Bloodclot gets her butt knocked in to the middle of next week.

Jerry: All right! Sit down, Diarrhea. Tell me about this.

Diarrhea: Well, I was the first to join the Decepticon army and Megatron and I hit it off immediately.

Jerry: So did you do it?

Diarrhea: First day I was there!

Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jerry” So when did your sister join?

Diarrhea: About 5 fics later. Megatron was already mine and she wanted to take him away from me!

Jerry: Why’s that?

Diarrhea: Because I’m much more prettier and powerful and talented and loving and giving and nurturing and caring and cunning and ruthless and the best damn warrior there is.

Audience: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Jerry: I see. Let’s bring out Megatron.

Megatron comes out.

Megatron: Raise the roof! HOO! HOO! Raise the roof!

Jerry: Welcome to the show, Megatron.

Megatron: Great to be here, Jerry. I got sisters fighting over me. WOOO!

Diarrhea: MEGGY! You WANT me and Bloodclot to fight over you?

Megatron: Well…YEAH! RAISE THE ROOF!

Jerry: Now it’s time to have the audience ask questions, we’ll start with you. (walks over to Starscream)

Starscream: Uh yeah, how can you girls fight over a guy who obviously stuffs his codpiece?

Jerry: WHOA!

Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Thundercracker vomits.

Megatron: THAT’S A LIE, YOU PIECE OF SLAG! (blasts Starscream)

Diarrhea and Bloodclot start fighting.

All: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Diarrhea: WAIT! Bloodclot, I can’t keep on doing this. I realize that Meggy cares a lot about you, and I can’t be in the way anymore. So, I shall relinquish my role as the Love of his Life…you two seem so happy together. I shall find another mech, in another place and time, as soon as my heart heals.

Audience: Awww…

Soundwave: SOB That was so beautiful! HONK!

Skywarp: Well, if Diarrhea isn’t gonna be here, why should I? Diarrhea, I’m coming with you.

Thundercracker: And me!

Soundwave: Me too.

Blitzwing: And I!

Megatron: Oh all RIGHT! Sweetie, I was wrong. I shouldn’t have made you and Bloodclot fight each other over me, although it was…rather nice to see two chicks wrestling around the floor…

*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOING!*

Megatron’s codpiece flies across the room.

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

Diarrhea: Tee-hee! Oh, Meggy!

Megatron: Oh, Shmoopie! (they suck face)

Bloodclot: Wha-wha-WHAT?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Soundwave: Damn woman, what the hell is your problem?

Skywarp: PMS.

Bloodclot and Diarrhea: *DEATH GLARE* We may be female, but we are the strongest and most powerful out there!

A severe thrashing later…

Megatron. Ow…

Jerry: Are you guys done?

Megatron: Yeah, whatever.

Jerry: And now for my Final Thought. When you make a commitment to someone, you stay with that person, it takes both partners to make a relationship work, blah blah blah, yada yada. Good night, folks!

All: GOOD NIGHT!

Thundercracker: Is that it?

Skywarp: What do you mean?

Thundercracker: I was hoping for more bitches fighting.

Skywarp: Or lezzy action.

Diarrhea: Grr…

Skywarp: Oh shit…

*CLUNK!*

Diarrhea: I’m sorry Skywarp, you need to realize that even though I am a Femme…

Everybody: We know, you are the strongest and most powerful there is.

Diarrhea: Tee-hee! That’s right!

Diarrhea flutters her optics. She and Megatron suck face because it’s great to be in love. Everybody vomits because they can’t take anymore of this. The author has made this fic come to an…

Cause she can.