It’s Not Awful…It’s God-awful

by TC

**This is a parody of Star Ruby’s “Return of the Star Sisters”. Some inklings of her other fics can be seen as well. Admittedly, this starts off bad, but what the fuck did you expect? On with the show…***

Part One, The Shit Hits the Fan

2007:

BUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPP!!!!!!

With this mighty bodily function, Unicron has opened a vortex in the sky. G1 Megatron falls out of a vortex to the ground outside of Decepticon HQ. All of the Decepticons who witness this gape in astonishment because their mighty leader Megatron has returned from the dead, or beyond or whatever.

All gasp in awe. “Megatron!”

“Yes, I am back. Where is that pile of slag Galvatron?” Megatron gestures with his fusion cannon. Cyclonus runs to fetch Galvatron. He’s scared because he’s never seen Megatron before and has never seen anyone so angry.

Galvatron and Scourge emerge from headquarters. Galvatron stares in surprise because he thought Megatron was no more.

Megatron GRINS “Galvatron, so very nice to see you.”

Galvatron is speechless. “How h-h-how did you return?” “Easy. During an electrical storm, a vortex had opened up by New Cybertron, known as Oz. Unicron promised me a new body if I brought him the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West or the Quantum Leap matrix which allows one to travel through different parts of space and time. After beating that puny fleshie Scott Bakula to death, I took the Matrix to Unicron and he gave me a new body. I told him I put the matrix in the bathroom at Cyber-McDonalds. The fool’s still looking for it. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!”

Shockwave: Wait a sec! Soundwave and I helped Unicron bring back Megatron! What the crap are you yamming about?

Megatron: Listen, ugly, my version is more entertaining.

Megatron aims his fusion cannon and fires. Galvatron and Scourge turn into space dust. “Maybe I should blow you away, too!” (pointing at Cyclonus)

Cyclonus: Uuhhhhhh…no, that won’t be necessary. Hail, Megatron!

Megatron: Hmmm…you know what I like, I’ll keep you around. Fellas, I’m BAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!

The Decepticons cheer because someone a little less insane has returned to lead them.

Part Two--Primus Help Us All!

Five femmes sneak into Decepticon HQ on an energon raid. None of them have boyfriends. And they are Decepticons.

Star Bloodclot trips the alarm.

Star Ruby: You dummy! I’m pissed because you tripped that damn alarm!

Megatron stumbles in, wearing a terrycloth bathrobe and pink fuzzy slippers. He flips the switch, and goggles in amazement. He is surprised because he has never seen Decepticon femmes in millions of years.

Megatron: What the…

Star Bloody Tampon: We are not afraid to fight!

Star Diamond: Yes, we will do whatever it takes!

Megatron: Now, now ladies. My attitude has changed. I welcome femmes.

Soundwave: Since when?

Megatron: Since…shut up, I‘m trying to score here!

Soundwave: Oh, yeah, you’re the real lady-killer in those fuzzy slippers.

Megatron: The clothes do not make the bot. (holds up his teddy bear) Ain’t that right, Pookie?

Soundwave: Sheez…

Megatron: (to the femmes) Ladies, it would be an honor to have you stay for the night. Soundwave, show these lovely ladies to our guest room.

the chicks: AWWWWWW (SWOONING because Megatron is such a charmer)

Soundwave: We don’t have a guest room anymore. Starscream’s using it as a storage bin for his collection of ping-pong balls and Backstreet Boys calendars.

Megatron: Aw, shit. Well, the ladies can sleep in my quarters. I’ll go and fuck Starscream, er, I mean kick Starscream out of his quarters. Whew, that was close.

Soundwave: We all heard that.

Megatron: No, you didn’t!

Voice sounding like Optimus Prime: (from far off) Yes, we DID!

Megatron: Son of a bitch!

At Autobot HQ…

Ironhide: What tha hell ya yellin for, Prime? You’ll wake up the whole base!

Prime: Not now, Ironhide, I was listening for Decepticon activity.

Ironhide: Ya mean THAT? (shines his light by the cliff to see Brawn and Bumblebee bumping uglies while Cliffjumper is filming it all)

Bumblebee: TURN THAT LIGHT OFF!

Prime and Ironhide: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prime: *whew* That was nasty.

Ironhide: Not as half as nasty as THAT! (points to Gears getting sandwiched between Grimlock and Wheeljack)

Prime: What a bunch of sickos I have to command…

Ironhide: Hey, what they’re doing kinda looks like what you wanted to try, Prime! Remember whatcha said last night after we…

Prime: Shut up.

The next morning:

Megatron: Fellow Decepticons, I would like to introduce Star Ruby, Star Bloody hell, Star Yellow-chick, Neil Diamond, and…aw, who cares? These fics are more of a showcase for Ruby and her romantic escapades; the others are barely even mentioned.

Star Ruby: Hey! How’d you find out?

Megatron: There is such a thing as a script, my dear.

Femmes: BROTHERS! (running to Screamer, Warp, and TC)

Skywarp: These chicks are really our sisters? I am surprised to hear that because we have not heard of femmes in millions of years.

Thundercracker: Yeh, I thought Starscream was the femme.

Starscream: Fuck off!

Skywarp: Wait a sec, Starscream, you’re alive. *dum dum DUM*

Starscream: Brilliant deduction, Skydork!

Thundercracker: How can you be alive if Galvy killed you?

Skywarp: Wait a sec, TC--How in the hell can WE be alive, if not our pre-movie selves? Do I look like that mutated rabbit Cyclonus?

Thundercracker: Wait, I was Cyclonus!

Skywarp: No, I was.

TC: I was.

Skywarp: No, I WAS!

Three hours later…

Skywarp: Uhh…what were we arguing about?

TC: Which one of us was Cyclonus.

Cyclonus: You rang?

Lurch: Shut up…eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww…

Starscream: Whoa, whoa, whoa, lemme get this straight. One of you two morons turned into this Bugs Bunny android…

Bugs Bunny: Ehh…what’s that, doc?

Starscream: Quiet! Anyway, one of you turned into Cyclonus, as far as the movie is concerned, and now we have the both of you and Cyclonus around? Where’s the sense in that?

Cyclonus: Why do we need consistency? This is a FANFIC, for Primus’ sake. Things get twisted around all the time!

All of a sudden the Mystery Machine pulls up. Richard Nixon in a taffeta dress gets out and is being chased by singing frogs branding the Sword of Omens.

Lion-O: Gimme that!

Shaggy: ZOIKS!

Thundercracker: Hey, that sounded like Cliffjumper.

Skywarp: Or Bluestreak.

Casey Kasem: Sorry, that was my bad. *clears throat*

Meanwhile…

Megatron: Well, would you like to join my forces?

Femmes: YAAAY!

Megatron: All right, Soundwave, bring out the equipment.

Soundwave brings out 5 aprons, 3 vacuum cleaners, buckets, soap and other types of cleaning tools.

Star Ruby: What is this?

Megatron: Well, you are femmes, your place is in the home.

Star Ruby: Wait! We are strong and competent! The best the warrior race has to offer! Sisters, let’s merge to form--

Megatron: I am not interested in that now, start cleaning! You! (pointing at one of them, whoever) Start on my dinner!

The femmes groan in disapponitment because this is not what was expected.

Megatron: AND ONE OF YOU BITCHES BRING ME A DAMN BEER! <BELCH!>

Star Ruby surprises Megatron on how tough and strong the femmes can be at housework. Star Ruby is the toughest at getting those bad stains out of carpet, and she is great at vacuuming.

Megatron: Excellent. I thought we’d never get rid of that damn grease stain. Star Ruby is the strongest and toughest of them all.

Soundwave: How convenient.

Megatron: Soundwave, I feel funny.

Soundwave: You are in love with Star Ruby.

Megs: No…I…OH, SHIT! BLLLEAAAARGGH! (vomits all over the place) Grins sheepishly because he is embarrassed. “Guess I shouldn’t have had that fifth helping of Cajun shrimp.”

Soundwave: Sick. Who’s gonna clean that up?

Megatron: Who do you think? (pointing to one of the chicks) Yo, bitch! Get over here!

Star Ruby is the toughest, smartest, prettiest, etc etc etc--you get the picture.

Later…

Megatron leaves a present for Ruby outside her room with a note.

Star Ruby: What’s this? (opens the package because she is curious) *GASP* A Dustbuster?! What the…

Megatron: (from around the corner, whispering) Read the note!

Star Ruby: Huh? What was that?

Megatron: I said, READ THE NOTE!

Star Ruby: Megatron, is that you?

Megatron: Godammit! (steps from around the corner) Just read the damn note, Ruby.

Star Ruby: Uh, okay…Ummm…

Megatron: Uh, it’s upside-down, Ruby.

Star Ruby: *sniff* I can read.

Rumble: Too bad you can’t---MMMMPH! (Megs clamps a hand over Rumble’s big mouth.)

Star Ruby: Hmph.

(reciting)

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I hear that you chicks dig this stuff,

And I dig you.

Oh, Megatron…(swooning)

Megatron: Star Ruby, you are quite a vision of loveliness. I would like for you to be my woman. (shouting) I, MEGATRON, HAVE PROCLAIMED STAR RUBY TO BE THE MAIN FILLY OF MY HERD! <belch!> <grunt!>

All the Decepticons cheer because Megatron has found a girlfriend.

Starscream: Hopefully this means Megatron won’t be forcing us to play “Hide the Pistons” with him anymore.

Reflector: What the hell are you yamming about?

Ramjet: Yeah, we’ve never done that.

Starscream: Oh shit…

Thrust: Who are you kidding? You loved it! (to Ramjet) Hey Ramjet, remember that night we were on guard duty and we heard Megatron and Starscream going at it, so we hid in the vents and took pictures with Reflector and posted them on our website?

Reflector: Tell me about it, I’m still having nightmares. (to the camera) By the way, for those of you perverts out there who wanna see those pictures, the address is www.--

Starscream: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! (Blasts Reflector)

Megatron: Here ya go; have this. (Gives Star Ruby his old high-school letter jacket)

Star Ruby: Oh, Meggy! (gives him a kiss)

Megatron: Dammit, bitch! Not in front of the guys!

Star Yellow-whatever: Hey, wait a sec! How come we don’t have boyfriends?

Star Ruby: It was imperative that only myself and one to two others find boyfriends because our characters, although made-up, are the one true loves of certain characters.

Bonecrusher: Oh, Primus, not another goddam Mary Sue. That’s the 8^th one we’ve had this month!

Dirge: Yeah, they always go for either Megatron, Soundwave or Starscream.

Scavenger: Starscream? Eew.

TWEEEEEET!!!!

Scrapper: The hell was that??

Halftime!

Skywarp: Well, here it is at the half-way point, let’s do a rundown of what has happened. First, Megatron has come back from a force that is beyond any explanation.

Thundercracker: Well, not quite there, Warp. You see, Megatron got his old form from Unicron, and came back from the vortex that was caused by Unicron having a big-ass burp.

Skywarp: Well, I guess that means ol’ Uni better lay off the jalapeno poppers at Raul’s All-U-Can-Eat Smorgasbord. Fatass.

Raul: He can’t. He loves it hot and spicy, like me. Grrroowwl.

Tracks: SLUT!

Thundercracker: Hey! How’d you get in here?

Skywarp: Anyway, femmes have snuck back into Decepticon life, one of which is eager to be the girlfriend of Megatron.

Thundercracker: That’s what I don’t get, Warp. Why does she hook only herself up? Why not have all of the other girls hook up with other guys? There’s plenty to go around!

Skywarp: And if Galvatron and et al are in this fic, what the hell are you and me and Screamer doing here, TC?

Thundercracker: That’s what we’re trying to find out in this Primus-awful fanfic, which doesn’t seem to be getting us anywhere.

Skywarp: Since TC and I are rarely heard from again, we’ve been re-assigned to color commentary.

Thundercracker: But do I hafta wear this Howard Cosell toupee? EESH!

Skywarp: Hey, it looks good with your sport coat. Well, that does it for our half-time show, let’s go back to the insanity!

Part Three, the Fourth Quarter of the Fifth Dimension…

Scrapper: (singing) This is the dawning of the Angel Aquarius, Angel Aquariuuuuuuuuuuuuuss…

Motormaster: Don’t quit your day job.

Scrapper: Piss off!

Drag Strip: What is this, some hippie flashback?

Soundwave, Rumble and Skywarp all blaze up wearing Greatful Dead T-shirts and love beads.

Megatron: Quiet! All right, Combaticons, merge to form Bruticus, and battle the big female gestalt!

Bruticus battles the big chick-bot, who kicks his ass.

All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Thrust: Ya pussies!

Rumble: Aw, was the chicky-boo too much for you guys?

Megatron: Constructicons! Your turn!

Scavenger: Hey guys, I got an idea. Huddle up!

The Constructicons discuss their plan, then merge into Devastator. The chick-bot grins happily because she senses another defeat. Megatron is masturbating in the corner because the big chick-bot fires his hormones because she is so beautiful and deadly.

Reflector: I didn’t think robots HAD hormones! Starscream, what the hell are you…AAAACK!

Starscream transforms Reflector and rushes to take pictures of Megatron while he’s still going at it.

Ramjet: Ick.

Devastator reaches into his subspace pocket…

Thrust: Is that a gun in your subspace pocket or are you just happy to see me, big boy?

Devastator: Go away!

… and pulls out a piece of paper.

Dead End: What the hell…?

Devastator: Look girls! 80% off jewelry at Neiman-Marcus!

Big chick-bot: OOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!

She takes off toward the nearest Neiman-Marcus.

Soundwave: Aw, jeez…

Dirge: Hey, where is the nearest Neiman-Marcus?

Devastator: I said GO AWAY!

Skywarp: TIME OUT!

Cheesy NFL music plays.

Thundercracker: Well, folks, you just saw it. Devastator managed to out-smart the big chick by using an ad from a department store.

Skywarp: Right you are, TC. The mood around the Decepticon base right now is of disappointment mixed with chagrin because the chicks didn’t quite turn out to be as tough and deadly as they claimed to be.

Thundercracker: Yeah, let’s go to Megatron for a live interview. Megatron…Megatron, are you there? Hey, Doug, zoom in on Megatron, will you?

Doug zooms in to see Megatron humping Starscream silly. All the other Decepticons are barfing vast amounts of energon because they have to bear witness to this ugly spectacle.

Skywarp: Whoa…

Thundercracker: Disgusting, but it would make us a fortune on ebay. Doug, keep rolling!

Doug: (vomiting) BLLLLLEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!

Star Ruby returns unexpectedly.

Warp/TC: UH-OH!

Audience: (chanting) JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Star Ruby: I forgot my purse, I…MEGGY!

Megatron: Oh shit…

Starscream: This isn’t what it looks like!

Star Ruby: My boyfriend is humping my brother! WAAAA!!

Starscream: You know, we never did have that sibling thing proven…

Megatron: Star Ruby, I said you were my main woman. I need a main man, too…or as close as he gets. (gestures toward Starscream)

Starscream: HEY!

Jerry Springer: So how long have you two been getting it on?

Megatron: Be quiet! You see, Boobykins…

Star Ruby: Rubykins, Meggy.

Megatron: Aw, whatever, you’re a chick, you got boobs. Anyway, what you fail to realize is that since we haven’t had femmes in so long, we’ve turned to…each other…for support.

Skywarp: That’s right. (entwines himself around Thundercracker)

Thundercracker: You said it, baby.

Starscream: Hey, I thought you were supposed to be in the broadcasting booth.

Thundercracker: We’re on “break.” *wink*

Blitzwing: I thought you were supposed to be brothers.

Astrotrain: Eew.

Thundercracker: Well, we‘re not now.

Skywarp: But don’t expect it to stay that way for very long.

Starscream: True, the plot consistencies in these types of fics are nil.

All of a sudden five different femmes enter the base. The leader is also a Mary Sue--this time to Starscream.

Razormoon: Screamer! Did you miss me?

Starscream: How can I miss you if I don’t know who the fuck you are?

Razormoon: Oh, you! (kisses Screamer on the lips)

Screamer: BLLLEEEECCHHH! (wipes his mouth fervently) Bitch! Get the fuck outta here!

Razormoon: WAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

That other squad takes off.

Skywarp: What the…(looks at Thundercracker)

Thundercracker: Don’t look at me, look at the idiot who wrote this.

All turn to look at Star Ruby.

Star Ruby: WHAT?!

Thundercracker: I meant the other idiot.

All turn to look at the author.

Author: WHAT?!

Skywarp: Well, now…let’s review…aw, fuck this. Come on, TC, let’s blow this joint and get blasted.

Thundercracker: I hear ya.

Part Four--Is This Shit Over Yet?

No, it’s not…

TO BE CONTINUED!