JAA Internal Links Edition: July 2003 Micro News Accutronics Lawsuit Accutronics is being sued due to complications with their TDL Nanny Droid. Apparently many flawed programs have been released with the droids. Some of the TDL's have, for no known reason, murdered the children who they care for. Many families have filed suits against Accutronics. Accutronics representatives only commented that they will surely look into the problem and, if there is a programming flaw, they will fix it. Accutronics risks being shut down with these lawsuits. 3-PO Learns C-3PO has taken a language course for droids. The course now allows 3-PO to speak another million languages. The annoying droid can now annoy even more beings. D.A.R.E. D.A.R.E. is a new program teaching beings how to love and cherish their droids. Droids are now being cared for and appreciated more in areas offerring the D.A.R.E. course. Representatives of the new program hope to help cease droid abuse. D.A.R.E. stands for Droid Abuse Resistance Education. SUPER Medical Miracle A medical lab has recently completed a campaign for super medicines. The new SUPER medicines, if legalized, will help beings heal faster than sitting in a vat of bacta. However, rumors are spreading about how the drugs will be used to help militaries create indestructable soldiers. SUPER drugs will be able to create the ultimate fighting machine. The drugs create super strength, a strong persistance to complete missions, revitalized energy, and the ability to regenerate quickly. Many hope the drugs will only be used for regenerating capabilities.	Force Factor Interspecies Marriage Act (IMA) The senate recently proposed the Interspecies Marriage Act. The act states, "In no way shall any species marry or breed with another being of a different species. Those found guilty of violating this act will be punished by a fine of a 100,000 credits and 100 hours of community service." Immediately worlds within the Republic rose with violent riots discouraging the passing of the IMA. One toydarian, who is married to a Hutt, proposed that citizens should try to buy the senators off. A Twi'lek and Quarren were caught trying to bomb senators, who supported IMA, at a banquet a week ago. The bombers were members of the Intergalactic Species Rights Awareness Group, a highly militarized organization. The Twi'lek bomber stated, "Government officials who support this act support racism. Therefore, they must be punished. All, who favor the IMA, shall be destroyed." When questioned, senators responded strongly stating the IMA is appropriate to stop the spread of mutations and disfunctional beings. Chancellor Palpatine's response: "The act in no way violates a beings rights. It only restricts interspecies marriage. This acts full purpose is to cease the spread of disease, mutations, and other problems related to interspecies marriages. The act also restricts interspecies breeding for the latter reasons." Another senator, who wants to remain anonymous, stated, "Just the other day a half Vor, half Mon Calamari, came up to me and asked for an auotgraph. The creature was grotesque. He or she reached out to give me a handshake. I was so offended by a gesture of that nature, from such an ugly creature, that I beat it away with a stick. We need to solve the mutation problem. The IMA will bring us closer to a solution." The Chancellor sure has his hands full with this issue. Emperor-REBORN! Dispatch 10-299-1: Somewhere near Wayland Captain of the Nowlcon-"we're under attack!. . . request reinforcements. . . Cruiser just appeared. . ." Boooommmm ". . . here. Image on screen. . . Emperor!?!. . . Revenge!?!. . . Jedi Skywalker's death imminent. . . dquarters: Must warn Jedi. . . last hope! Save yourselves!" Crew Member-"Sir breaches in. . . losing press. . . assive energy surge from enemy cruiser. Brace fo . . ."- transmission lost. The above message was recieved by the New Republic Star Fleet a couple standard days ago. An investigation team was sent to Wayland. Upon the team's arrival communication was lost. Everyone is to be on alert. New Republic Intelligence believes the Emperor has been reborn once again. Jedi Master Luke Skywalker has stated, "I have sensed a strong disruption in the Force. Its source is coming from Endor but has moved close to Wayland. If at all possible everyone must stay away from Wayland." Beware for you life. If the Emperor is reborn and the Jedi fail, then all will be lost. Aayla Secura's Dirty Secret Searching through records at the Exotic Dancing Guild Headquarters a striking name can catch ones eye. Pulling up the bio, one would have thought there had been a mistake. A Jedi dancer, no it can't be. Well I was wrong. On the bio, I pulled up, was a sleek blue figure with two tentacles flowing beautifully from the top of her head. Aayla Secura, now a Jedi Knight, dancing at the Rutogra Bar on Ryloth, on a trip to visit her home planet. Stunned, I thought I had misread the entry. I had not, though. Feeling a need to find the truth and knowing those of you who are reading would be curious, I traveled to Ryloth. I began my search for the "Blue Bomb Shell," Secura's nickname on the dancing scene. After being hassled by local authorities about my identity, I was finally able to locate the Rutogra Bar. Inside I ingested a few twi'lek specialties and waited for Secura. Soon enough the Jedi Knight hit the poles. I could not believe my eyes. Aayla Secura, now most likely to be an ex-Jedi Knight, was dancing exotically right in front of me. Now, everyone knows about the Blue Bomb Shell's dancing past. Secura danced for her Uncle after she and her Master lost thier memory. But who would have guessed, she would return to her disgracing past. While on the dance scene, Aayla makes use of her abilities making her dancing even more. . . exciting. Revolted Rodian A Rodian couple was due to have their child five days ago. Well, there was a little surprise at the birth. Rushing his wife to the nearest medical center Dreda, the Rodian father, was, of course, full of joy. Doctors immediately took the mother to the operating room. The father joined his wife, passed out after seeing the instruments used for aiding in the birth of a Rodian child, and was taken out to a waiting room. When he awoke a nurse took him to see his wife. The couple was joyful about the addition to their family. The nurse, however, would not allow them to see their child. They begged the nurse to see their child and the couple finally convinced her to get the doctor. The doctor appeared with a grim look upon his face. He told the new parents to prepare for their child's entrance. The couple expected the worst; a deformity, missing limbs, blindness, deafness, disease, or some odd birth defect. The nurse wheeled the child into the room on a stretcher. The child was just to heavy to carry. The parents both looked on with amusement and fear. Their amusement was immediately obliterated. Inside the cart was a sluggish creature. Two giant eyes and a large wriggling tongue protruded from the infant's head. "A Hutt!?!" the father exclaimed with bewilderment. The infant looked like a Hutt, however, it was green and scaly like a Rodian. The wife immediately tried to explain, ". . .months ago you went on that work trip to, I believe, Coruscant. I got lonely those couple of days. I was at the bar and this handsome, I mean gruesome Hutt approached. His name was Jabba. . ." By this time the father is thoroughly angered and begins to leave. Right before he exits the room Dreda's wife exclaims, "Honey, don't go. I just. . . I have a fetish with. . . I like big butts and can not lie." For more on this couples relationship turn to Jerry Sphynctr at 9:00 standard time only on drtytv. The subject "My partner is obssessed with large booty." Bad Bothan Are suspicisous beings following you around? Feel like your being watched 24-7? It could be your spouses fault. Reports have come in of spouses following suspected adulterers. Those Bothans have been traced back to one source. A secretly operated organization calling themselves Shadow. Shadow is very mysterious. They specialize in special investigations. Most operations involve situations where a spouse is suspected of cheating. Shadow operatives work with the latest technology. Where do they get the money for their operations? New Republic officials have realized a loss in some funding lately and no accountability for it. Princess Leia Organa's advisors investigated the missing funds. All information leads to one source, a Bothan within the New Republic. Borsk Fey'lya has been identified in the theft. Further through the investigation, New Republic officials intercepted a message to Fey'lya identifing him as the leader of Shadow. Fey'lya was immediatly imprisoned and charged with theft as well as, heading an unsanctioned organization, which violates the rights of others. Since the imprisonment of Fey'lya, Shadow has not surfaced. If you are being followed or watched by Bothans please contact the nearest authorities. All beings connected to Shadow are wanted for questioning. Remember Shadow, which is considered highly dangerous, is a private organization heading investigations on suspected adulterers and other untrustworthy beings. If Shadow is following you then someone close probably suspects the worst? Golden Rod Leads Ewok Cult Sources on Yavin Four bring us this information: For three months a group of savages has been massacring ewok village after ewok village. The group is known to be made of ewoks. The group of renegades eats their victims leaving behind only bones and cartilage. They then manage to bury the victims left over parts in a civilized manner. The cult's leader has yet to be identified. However, local ewok villages are calling the group the Golden Rodengades. Apparently some have survived attacks from the Golden Rodengades. Many say the group is led by a fearless golden creature bearing a resemblance to their god. Others state the leader is talkative and annoying. All agree that the warrior leader bears a suit of metal which gives the golden appearance. This just in from our Endor informant: The informant- "Ewok patrols have recently discovered the location of the Golden Rodengades. They have assembled troops and attacked. Apparently the cannabalistic group surrendered after a short battle. They are bringing the captives around as I speak. The leader seems to restrained by some sort of primitive harness. Here they come. Sir why did you lead the Ewok cult. . . Oh my! I. . . I recognize you. Your the Princess's droid." The cult leader- "Oh my! Let me go you pile of scrap! You shall pay for my capture. You see, you did not locate the actual headquarters. It was a trap and you took the bait. Ahh! Here come my friends now." (Screaming in the background) The informant- " We're under attack. Run!" THUD "Get off of me you ewok chump. Owwwww! My ear! You bit my ear! Hey what are you doing. . . No!" SMASH KSHSSZZZZSSKKZS End of transmission. Inside The Mind Of the Caamasi Hitman In last months issue Brea Janstr (BJ) reported on the mysterious bounty hunter, the Caamasi Hitman. As promised we have located the Caaamasi Hitman and were able to interview him. Here is Janstr's interview transmission with the Caamasi Hitman (CH). BJ: Hello. It's an honor to interview you. CH: Better be an honor. CH grabs blaster rifle BJ: Okay then, what's your name? CH: You know, I'll allow you three stupid questions. Once you hit four your dead. No name. BJ: So then I'll just call you the Caamasi Hitman. CH: Has a nice ring to it. CH begins to look satanical. BJ: Why did you become a bounty hunter? CH: Pays good. BJ: I thought the Caamasi were a peaceful species? CH: All except for me. I found the light. Them fools are still looking for it. BJ: What light is that? CH: Actually not really a light like in religions. This light came to me in my sleep. I woke up and had a laser beam aimed at my chest. Damn fool did not know I slept with a blaster at my feet, mostly because crime was on a rise in the neighborhood. Shot the [beep] fool in the chest before he got me. I can shoot with my feet. Want to see? BJ: Ahh! I'd rather not. BJ begins to sweat CH: Well I ain't goin to tell you the rest of the story. BJ: By the way can we hold the language? CH: Strike one. I say what I want when I want! BJ: Well, next question. How many people have you killed? CH: Too many to count. BJ: What's your favorite weapon? CH: Precious right here. My precious! We've been together a long time. CH taps his blaster rifle BJ: What do you travel in? CH: Strike two never give your vehicle away in this business. You may get caught. However, it is made by Siennar Fleet Systems, but well modified. BJ: So do you know any Jedi? CH: Sure. Killed a few. BJ: Really? CH: Naahhh. Got ya! I never go near Jedi. They are a bounty hunters worst enemy. BJ: What's the travelin life like? CH: Awesome. You have the freedom to do what you want when you want. You're a bounty hunter, one of the most menacing looking beings around. No one wants to mess with you. BJ: Any girls? CH: Hell no! Can not get too attached to others. Attachments can lead to downfall. BJ: A few more questions. I am almost out of time. Do you like jokes? CH: Only if they are funny. BJ: Well this one is. I heard your momma was so peaceful when. . . Three shots ring out from CH's blaster rifle. A loud thud is heard. CH: Told you three strikes. Even was going to give you a forth, but no one talks about my ma. Lets see what you have of value. Sound of clothing being searched. CH: What's this? A [beep] transmitter! Why that little. . . CRUNCH! KSZHHHHHSHHHSHSSSSSSSHHHHHH Transmission lost.

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