This is a chapter from I Kissed
Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris called
"A Cleansed Past: The Room". The author
tells about a dream he had.
In that place between wakefulness and
dreams, I found myself in the room.
There were no distinguishing features
save for the one wall covered with
small index-card files. They were
like the ones in the libraries that
list titles by author or subject in
alphabetical order. But these files,
which stretched from floor to ceiling
and seemingly endless in either
direction, had very different headings.
As I drew near the walls of files, the
first to catch my attention was one that
read "Girls I Have Liked." I opened it
and began flipping through the cards.
I quickly shut it, shocked to realize
that I recognized the names written on
each one. And then without being told,
I knew exactly where I was. This
lifeless room with its small files was
a crude catalog system for my life.
Here were written the actions of my
every moment, big and small, in every
detail my memory couldn't match. A
sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled
with horror, stirred within me as I
began randomly opening files and
exploring their contents. Some brought
joy and sweet memories; others a sense
of shame and regret so intense that I
would look over my shoulder to see if
anyone was watching. A file named
"Friends" was next to one marked
"Friends I Have Betrayed". The titles
ranged from the mundane to the outright
weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have
Told," "Comfort I Have Given," "Jokes I
Have Laughed At." Some were almost
hilarious in their exactness: "Things
I've Yelled at My Brothers." Others I
couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done
In Anger," "Things I Have Muttered under
My Breath At My Parents." I never ceased
to be surprised by the contents. Often
there were many more cards than I expected.
Sometimes there were fewer than I hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of
the life I had lived. Could it be possible
that I had the time in my twenty years to
write each of these thousands, possibly
millions, of cards? But each card confirmed
this truth. Each was written in my own
handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I
Have Listened To," I realized the files grew
to contain their contents. The cards were
packed tightly, and yet after two or three
yards, I hadn't found the end of the file.
I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality
of music, but more by the vast amount of time
I knew that file represented. When I came to
a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a
chill run through my body. I pulled the file
out only an inch, not willing to test its
size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its
detailed contents. I felt sick to think that
such a moment had been recorded. Suddenly I
felt almost an animal rage. One thought
dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these
cards! No one must ever see this room! I have
to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I
yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter
now. I had to empty it and burn the cards.
But as I took the file at one end and began
pounding it on the floor, I could not
dislodge a single card. I became desperate
and pulled out a card, only to find it as
strong as steel when I tried to tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned
the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead
against the wall, I let out a long, self-
pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title
bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With."
The handle was brighter than those around
it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its
handle and a small box not more than three
inches fell into my hands. I could count
the cards it contained on one hand. And then
the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so
deep that they hurt started in my stomach
and shook through me. I fell on my knees and
cried. I cried out of shame, from the over-
whelming shame of it all. The rows of file
shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No
one must ever, ever know of this room. I must
lock it up and hide the key. But then as I
pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please
not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I
watched helplessly as He began to open the
files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to
watch His response. And in the moments I could
bring myself to look at His face, I saw sorrow
deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively
go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read
everyone? Finally He turned and looked at me
from across the room. He looked at me with
pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that
didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my
face with my hands and began to cry again. He
walked over and put His arm around me. He could
have said so many things. But He didn't say a
word. He just cried with me. Then He got up
and walked back to the wall of files. Starting
at one end of the room, He took out a file and,
one by one, began to sign His name over mine on
each card. "No!" I shouted, rushing to Him.
All I could find to say was "No, no" as I pulled
the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on
these cards. But there it was, written in
red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of
Jesus covered mine. It was written with His
blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled
a sad smile and continued to sign the cards. I
don't think I'll ever understand how He did it
so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I
heard Him close the last file and walk back to
my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and
said, "It is finished." I stood up, and He led
me out of the room. There was no lock on its
door. There were still cards to be written. For
sinners like you and me, there's good news:
Christ paid our debt. He has covered our sins
with His blood; He has forgotten the past.
Purity starts today. "So let us put aside the
deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light"
(Romans 13:12). Admittedly some will have more
to lay aside than others--more memories, more
pain, more regrets. But the past needn't
determine our future. We have choices right
now about how we'll live. Will we set our
hearts on God and walk in His paths? "Let us
behave decently," the passage in Romans
continues,"...not in sexual immorality and
debauchery...Rather, clothe yourselves with
the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about
how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature"
(Romans13:13-14). Not one of us can stand
completely pure before God. We are all sinners.
But no matter how filthy the rags of our
defilement may be, in a moment of true surrender
the heart turned toward God loses its impurity.
God clothes us in Christ's righteousness. He
no longer sees our sin. He transfers Jesus'
purity to us. So see yourself as God sees you~
clothed in radiant white, pure, justified. Maybe
you have a particular memory that continues to
hound you, a memory that makes you feel unworthy
of God's love and forgiveness. Don't let the past
beat you up. Forget it. Don't replay that moment
or any others like it. If you've repented of all
those behaviors, God has promised to remember
them no more (Hebrews 8:12). Move on. A
lifetime of purity awaits you.
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