Volume 7: Issue 2K4,4 ; Want to read the Previous Issue
It was 20 years ago today...

Just another Manic... Friday

...Thank Crunchie it's the HamsterTimes!
Just when you thought it wasn't going to happen, it does! Twice in as many weeks. Wow. After falling asleep at the wheel and forgetting that a photostory was promised featuring donuts, and that a publication known as "the Hamster Times" came out every once in a while, we've finally gotten our act together. [We've decided to call it "The Scottish Play, a comedy in seventeen slices"]

So, what is happening in the world today? Well, you know, the usual. People are being blamed for things, bucks are being passed, people are being forced not to resign. The usual. What's happening with us? Well, we're currently sitting around eating cake wondering if Great Britain will win any more medals at the olympics or whether a small cabbage will win the Javalin. Still, just a normal day.

N.Massey, jumping up and down and jiggling about in a way that surely isn't good for someone of that age, August and almost September 2004

Coming Soon!!

Coming soon, in a format that you're probably not expecting, we will be proud to present "IT CAME FROM THE HAMSTER TIMES".... or, if you'd prefer. "Some of our better bits, the ones that were actually funny as opposed to the ones that made you cringe and go 'I hope that aint their day job!' "

Yes, after many months of thinking about it, looking at things, dancing, getting drunk, eating chocolate hobnobs and all sorts of decedant behaviours, we have decided to compile some of the choice chunks from the Hamster Times, past, present and future and stick them into a publication which should be out sometime in the not to distant future [say, sometime in the next 3 years maybe?]

Look for more news, in later issues.

Nervous Printer Breakdown?

Hello,

My printer is still cannot pull itself together...
http://2ytu.welcometomypage.org/juliana/

Life is too short, let's enjoy it!
Juliana

Why you strange young lady, and your poor printer. I should wonder why it is still? Could it be that it is not printing at this moment in time, and therefore unable to move, even a little bit? Although, really, the most movement you could expect is a piece of paper coming out of the slot at the top/bottom [depending on the type of printer]

But still, on top of this it cannot pull itself together? What have you been printing? What is it that has caused your printer to colapse in such a manner? Does affect your computer in a similar manner? Are your peripherals all falling apart? I don't really know what to suggest, but, if someone knows a good electical psychologist they would like to recommend to Juliana here, we will pass on the details.

If you would like to put pen to paper, cassette to camcorder or yell loudly then please do. We love to hear from anyone with anything mildly interesting to say. Please direct any communication to... HamsterTimes at yahoo dot co dot uk and make sure you give us a subject of "Lettuce to the Editor".

Many thanks, and have several nice days.


War of Words!

 It was announced today that England is readying herself for war. While there is no real danger, it is felt that the perceived danger is such that the case for war is more than justified.

War, what is it good for? [3 across, Sunday Times Crossword [17 letters] Prime Minsister Tony Blair said today that

"It is time for us to do this. England, and her language have been compromised by those in Iraq, America and Australia and we have been left with no alternative but to go to war to defend ourselves."

When asked about the justification for such an attack, the PM said that we had substanticial evidence that countries were gathering Words of Misleading Demeanour and had refused the UN appointed dictionary inspectors access to their printing presses.

He also, worryingly, gave cause for concern that said countries had been spotted employing what could only be described as "mobile libraries" which, it is assumed, could be deployed at a moments notice to anywhere in the local neighbourhood allowing easy access to the WMDs and increasing the likelyhood that, upon invasion, the common man would be armed with words that could put our troops into disarray.

The war is expected to last for two weeks, after which point it is expected we will all be adopting the correct, US english spelling and pronunciation of all words.

Dwars: episode 5...

[don't worry, we'll go back and do episodes 1 through 4 as soon as the series really takes off and we have the technology to make everything look kinda cool and groovy]

D wars... Episode 5, the Donuts strike back After years of being eaten, the Donuts decided enough was enough.
Or maybe you could say that they'd had all they could stand and could stands no more Anyway, it was not a pretty sight to behold. Their leaders, eaten. Digested. Gone. They had to formulate a plan of action.
Jammy da Cream had a good idea. He said,'We will pour hot coffee on their heads' and all the donuts cheered! So they started making fancy Italian coffees, all the time, making sure they didn't run out of foamed milk
'Mmm. Coffee' all the people said, and they saw what the donut's were doing. They snuck in around the back, and before the donuts knew what was happening...
the people were drinking the coffee... some without the foamed milk. Enraged were the donuts, so much so, they did something that even the people weren't expecting...
.... To be continued... maybe...

This edition of the HamsterTimes is copyright etc 2004 N.Massey and is based on the strange and wacky HamsterTimes creation of N.Massey and B.Godfrey, or Twin and Earth productions as they liked to be known back in 96. They even had a theme song, sung to the tune of "good vibrations" but that was quite a long time ago... Implication is a method of identifying something, somewhere. Please don't implicate us. We would get cross, upset, and downright sad if you were to do so. We are just trying to make people laugh, hopefully not at anyone in particular, although the rich and famous are common targets - but we do it with love, not hate. I mean, who in their right [or wrong] minds would make up stories about people who have so much money you'd have to ask them for a loan to defend yourself against them? That said, all of our stories, unless we implicity state "this is true" are anything but, and should be ignored completely and not re-quoted as factual facts.

With regards the whole data protection malarky, we will protect people's data as well as the next man. We have a small plastic safe which we can hide it all in, but, if someone gets into it, we wouldn't want to be found to be responsible for taking improper precautions. To wit, the reasoning behind this disclaimer is, if you don't want personal details spread everywhere, don't send them us. We won't deliberately do anything with them, but, the world is quite insecure and needs plenty of reasurance in these troubled times.

The small print

Hands up all those who never read the small print? Hmm. Hmm. Why are you putting your hands up to a question on a webpage? I can't see you can I? Can I? Unless you're a figment of my imagination, although why on Earth a figment of my imagination would be reading the HamsterTimes when my imagination is usually so much more active than that is beyond me.

So, to everyone we offend, we go "blah blah blah", although our lawyers, were we to have them would say "we really don't mean anything by it, we're nice people, we're just trying to be funny, have fun, and tiptoe through the tulips every once in a while. Please don't sue us".
Lawyers eh? Always worried about money. Anyway, thank you for reading this issue of the Hamster Times, if you are interested in making a donation, please send money to the most deserving charity of your choice. Thank you! All monies are gratefully received.

I'm picking up the Hamster Times, She's giving me the Hamster Times. Oooh Wah ba ba, the Hamster Times..."