Here are some jokes to brighten your day!

WARNING: some of these jokes are very bad and can cause severe attacks of laughter. So, if you are prone to motion sickness, a pregnant mother, have heart problems, or just can't stand a bad joke click the "BACK" button at the top of your browser.

Blonde Jokes

Q: Why don't blondes make ice cubes?

A: They forgot the recipe!

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice?

A: Because it said concentrate!

Q: How do you drown a blonde?

A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool!

A blonde and a brunette are driving in a car. Every time the brunette switched lanes people would honk at her so she pulled over and told the blonde to check her blinkers and make sure they were working properly. The blonde stepped behind the car and said, "Yes....No....Yes....No....!"

A blonde was tired of blonde jokes so just to prove she was intelligent she went out and memorized all the states and their capitals. After walking into a bar and announcing, "I can name the capital of any state." a man came up and said, "All right...What's the capital of Montana?"

She replied smiling, "Oh that's easy...M!"

Three blondes were driving up to Disneyland. Upon reaching their destination they were confronted by a sign that said, "Disneyland, Left" so they turned around and went home!

Miscellaneous

Once there was a pastor who decied to visit some of his church members, so he proceded to the first members door. The pastor knocked seviral times, then taking out his business card wrote on it Revelation 3:20:  "Here I Am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone opens heats my voice and opens the door, I will come in and dine with him, and him with me."

The next Sunday the card showed up in the collection plate, under the pastor's  quote, was written Genesis 3:10:  He said, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid."

                          HOW COLD IS IT?
   An annotated thermometer

   60    - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their
           wardrobe)

   50    - Miami residents turn on the heat

   40    - You can see your breath
         - Californians shiver uncontrollably
         - Minnesotans go swimming

   35    - Italian cars don't start

   32    - Water freezes

   30    - You plan your vacation to Australia
         - Minnesotans put on T-shirts
         - Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
         - British cars don't start

   25    - Boston water freezes
         - Californians weep pitiably
         - Minnesotans eat ice cream
         - Canadians go swimming

   20    - You can hear your breath
         - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
         - New York City water freezes
         - Miami residents plan vacation further South

   15    - French cars don't start
         - You plan a vacation in Mexico
         - Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

   10    - Too cold to ski
         - You need jumper cables to get the car going

    5    - You plan your vacation in Houston
         - American cars don't start

    0    - Alaskans put on T-shirts
         - Too cold to skate

   -10   - German cars don't start
         - Eyes freeze shut when you blink

   -15   - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
         - Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
         - Miami residents cease to exist

   -20   - Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
         - Politicians actually do something about the homeless
         - Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
         - Japanese cars don't start

   -25   - Too cold to think
         - You need jumper cables to get the driver going

   -30   - You plan a two week hot bath
         - The Mighty Monongahela freezes
         - Swedish cars don't start
   -40   - Californians disappear
        - Minnesotans button top button
        - Canadians put on sweaters
        - Your car helps you plan your trip South

  -50   - Congressional hot air freeze
        - Alaskans close the bathroom window

   -80   - Hell freezes over
         - Polar bears move south

   -90   - Lawyers put their hands in their OWN pockets.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

> QUESTION: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
> >****************************************************
> > TEACHER: To get to the other side.
> > ARISTOTLE: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.
> > KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
>
> > ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road
> >was threatening it's dominant market position. The chicken was faced
> >with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies
> >required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a
> >partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by
> rethinking it's physical distribution strategy and implementation
process.Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Anderson helped the chicken use it's
> skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the
> chicken's people, processes and technology in support of it's overall
> strategy within a Program Management framework. (The chicken also was
> infected with a parasite that prompted it to act in such a
self-destructive manner.)
>
> > SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
> > quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
> >
> > CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
> >before.
> >
> > MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the
> >chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road,
and
>
> there was much rejoicing.
>
> > FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many
> >more chickens have to cross the road for you to believe it?
> >
> > RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
> > chicken DID NOT cross the road.
> >
> > MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
> >cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there
> was.
> >
> > JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't
> > anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was the chicken doing
> >wandering around all over the place anyway?"
> >
> > FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken did
> >cross the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
> >
> > BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000 (with
> >integrated Internet Seed Explorer), which will not only cross roads,
> >but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
> > checkbook.
> >
> > OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the
> >road?" Rather, it is, "Who is crossing the road at the same time,
> whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?
> >
> > DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
> > selected in such a way that they are genetically disposed to cross
> > roads.
> >
> > EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
> >beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
> >
> > BUDDHA: Asking the question denies your own chicken nature.
> >
> > RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it
> > transcended it.
> >
> > ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
> >> COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
>
> > BILL CLINTON: Let me say this one more time. I did not have sexual
> > relations with that chicken.
>

TV and Films

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES
     
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a stripclub
at least once.
    
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
    
Most dogs are immortal.
    
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in
a passing St. Patrick s Day parade - at any time of the year.
    
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying  beside her.
    
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
    
It s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the
control tower to talk you down.
    
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
    
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
    
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition-even if you haven t been carrying any before now.
    
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
    
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
    
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
    
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.     
    
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
    
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it
before long.
    
The Chief of Police is always black.
    
When paying for a taxi, don t look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
    
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
    
Kitchens don t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
    
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
    
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:
Enter Password Now.
    
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
    
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
    
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
    
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK
Stadium.
    
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
    
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this
technology.
    
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
    
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
    
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
    
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they re going to go off.    
    
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting.
    
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
    
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
    
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
    
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack  you one by one dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out
their predecessors.
    
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, he will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
    
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
    
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
    
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
    
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds-unless it s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
    
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.
    
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at that precise moment.

Puns

Last year, in an unprecedented scientific breakthrough human being was successfully cloned in.  It was perfect in every way, except no matter
what they tried they couldn't get the clone to stop using foul gestures
and language.  Finally, the enraged scientist in charge of the project
pushed the clone out of a window, and he fell to his death.  Since he
wasn't an actual human, the legal system couldn't figure out how the
scientist should be charged.
    
They finally charged him with making an obscene clone fall.

Several friars at a monastery decided to start a business so
they could make donations to a local charity which they
deemed a worthy cause. After much deliberation, the friars
decided that, due to their gardening expertise, they should
start a flower business.

After a couple months, the friars' flower business was
doing extremely well - so well, in fact, that the local florist
was beginning to suffer. The florist, realizing that his
livelihood might be in jeopardy, approached the friars and asked
them to find another business so that he might
continue operating profitably. The friars politely said, "No."

After a couple more months, the florist's business was very
bad and things looked bleak. Realizing that her son's
business was failing, the florist's mother approached the
friars and asked them to cease the floral business so that
her son could continue. The friars were polite but once
again said, "No."

A couple months more passed and the local florist had lost
most of his customers to the friars. His family was suffering
badly since the florist had practically no income. In
desperation, the florist hired Hugh McNally, a local
strongman to "convince" the friars to stop. Hugh went to the
monastery and asked the friars to please discontinue
selling flowers because they had taken most of the
customers of the village florist. Once more the friars replied by politely saying, "No."

Hugh, a man of great actions but few words and less
temper, beat up a half dozen of the friars. He destroyed
their flowers and trampled their gardens. Immediately, the
friars had a meeting and decided that it was in everyone's
best interests to terminate the business.

The moral to this story is very simple: Hugh, and only
Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why?," they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home.  The bartender knew of his habit, and would alwayshave the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.  One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.  Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.  The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."  The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."