Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (1999) **1/2

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I'm so tired, so very tired. I wasn't tired when I went into the theater, but I developed narcolepsy for the first time in my life soon after entering. I am fairly certain that the cause is "computer poisoning," and Star Wars is the carrier. The average person has to be extremely devoted to, extremely interested in, and extremely intoxicated with "Star Wars" to enjoy this movie. Let me say it first- yes it is a disease, and yes it is time for a twelve-step program for whoever enjoys this movie. (Admitting it is the first step.) Not one actor in this film acts, not one! Loose ends are set up and then knocked down with ease, perils are dispatched with a flicker of computer magic, and logic is bought and paid for by George Lucas. I cannot imagine how this film can interest anyone over the age of 12- it is geared more than ever towards the kiddie set. Gone is the engrossing byplay of Harrison Ford, the earnestness of Mark Hamill, and the bemused smirk of Sir Alec Guinness. This movie trashes everything that made the first three "Star Wars" films campily entertaining to all ages. Whereas the first films lightened the melodrama with clever dialog, this film stumbles through embarrassing one-liners. Judging by this film alone, "Star Wars" now plays like the most formulaic of James Bond movies. Every element in the film is predictable, there is nothing to jolt or surprise the audience as in the first movie. When a lightsaber fight is intercut with a space battle intercut with a land battle at the film's climax, the audience yawns. At least James Bond movies are fun; they pride themselves on selling out. Lucas disguises his commercialism with slickness. (PG)