A Night Spent in My Car

*Author's Note - There are actually several fairly messed up recordings here. I lumped them all together cause I didn't feel like sorting through them. Majority of the thoughts here are from weekend of November 19 and 20th. Have fun probing my mind once again.

And I wake up everyday, hoping that my mind would have been changed and I won't mind being me so much. So many people tell me that I'm this wonderful person, and God, I wish I could get them to understand that I'm not. I guess that sounds really sadistic, but they need to understand that I'm not that person that they see. I'm a disgusting person. Just so. . . I don't want to feel that way about myself, but there's not alot I can do about it. Just, hum, just live and go on I guess. There's not a whole lot to say right now. It's been a really long day and I have to stay up for another two hours or so. Cause I really need someone to lean on and I'm not being able to find that person on my own. I need someone to be my crutch. To make me happy by them being happy. That's all I ask for, that person's happiness, I don't want anything in return. Just want, want somebody to know that I'm making them happy. That's all I want from my parents, for them to be happy with me, but they never are. I'm either putting too much effort into one aspect of my life or another and not enough into something else. So they are constantly pissed at me about something. Today it was my Belmont application. Screw that, I don't care. I think Belmont is going to accept me wither way. They asked for rough drafts of my essays and they got rough and they got pissed about it. Screw that, I'm tired of that crap. I'm just tired in general. I don't understand why I'm tired all the time. Don't sleep enough, I guess. I mean, 7 hours a night's got to be enough, give or take an hour. I didn't get very much last night. Last night was different though. I couldn't afford to sleep much last night. I'm still working with the projections, so don't worry. I'll get around to projecting myself eventually. I've actually got someone else that's wanting to switch bodies with me. It's kind of frightening how many people don't want to be themselves. I don't even think a body switch would do any good for me. Cause it's really not what's on the outside, you're going to be disgusted with yourself no matter what. I shouldn't have that attitude and I am disgusted with myself. Just don't know. . . . . . . .

It's funny how people change, no matter how much you don't want them to. It's funny how you change, even if you don't want to. I see them and they act so damn childish and it's kinda funny. When you think about everything that's going on in your life sounds mature, but it's not, not so damn childish. Kinda makes you cold after a while. And I really don't want to go back to where they are now, I can't. It's not something I can do. So damn tired of feeling alone. And Robyn's about the only person that's making me happy. Even Jen can't make me feel good and that's really unusual cause Jen used to be the one that made me feel good. Used to be the one that when I was feeling badly, she'd come and hug me and I could honestly say that I felt a lot better. I feel like Robyn understands me, I don't know. She bit me really hard though. I'm really wanting to just seclude myself at the moment. i don't want to be around them. They're the ones that changed Rachel and it makes me mad that they did that to her. It really sucks that kids in my generation think that you can run away from your problems in drugs and alcohol. Maybe they're right, they're a lot better off than I am cause I'm just cold about everything. I resent everything. I'm tired of feeling so alone. i mean I could feel good, knowing that Robyn would stay, but she's going to go back to Florida. And I'm going to be stuck here with no one again. I want to try to make someone understand me, but no one will take the time. *That hurts really bad Robyn, that was a bad thing to do, you shouldn't have bitten me, you vampire crackhead.* Maybe I'll just sleep out here tonight. I'm feeling more at peace right now than I have in a day and a half. And right now I'm looking at the people that, honest to God, piss me of more than anyone else in the world. Simply cause I know that no matter what I did, they'd never look at me as a person. It's always the penis, yes, I have a penis, forgive me. I think I'm going to go kill them, except Robyn. Wouldn't be a bad plan. I don't know where I'm going to sleep tonight. I mean, Robyn said Jen would let me crash there, but I don't know if I could take that. Listening to this shit all night. No time for anything, just cold right now, very, very cold. I'm contemplating going to get my jacket, the leather one in my trunk. I've already been in my trunk once tonight, to get this damn tape recorder. Cause I knew I needed to get it, I needed to record everything that was going on. So that when, I, I look back, I can look back at exactly what was going through my head that night. First and foremost, I feel more of an outcast here, around VAMPY people than I do at home. That is the most horrible, horrible feeling. Cause everything I knew about VAMPY has changed. Everything I loved about VAMPY is gone. Second, I want some sleep. I haven't slept much in the last two nights. Third, I want some more wax, hot burning wax dripping on my arm. Robyn's bite sure as hell doesn't feel very good. It's all whelping up now. Want to go buy some more cloves tomorrow to take home with me if I have enough money. I'm glad I get to be alone for these few minutes. It gives me a chance to regroup, relook at the situation. And I know I made Rachel feel badly when I looked at her. I could see it in her eyes. I don't even know how to act around her anymore. All she wants to do is bite and slap me, she slaps me one more time, I'm going to put her on her back. Then I'll take some shit, then I'll leave, go sleep in the park. Got one more night. I see all these girls and I want to get inside their heads and plant a new seed. A seed of looking at people, not looking at penises or breasts. It's about the people behind the body. I think that's one of the main things I want to prove. It doesn't matter what anatomical features you have, it's the person behind the flesh. I'm ready to go to my flesh now. I wish I was a rock. Knowing that my life wouldn't have much of anything going on with it, just have to sit there, be completely content doing exactly what I was doing until some asshole comes and kicks me out of my place. That's what they all do. I can relate myself to a rock rather well. I sit there in my little niche that I've made for myself, having no emotions, feeling completely empty, then someone like Ambra or Rachel comes along. They are asshole that have kicked me out of my place, my niche and I don't know where to go. I just want to hide.

-one love.