*Author's Note: This one didn't seem worthy enough to even be posted at the regular spot. So I decided to put it in the archive. Enjoy this crap.

Something funny occured to me a minute ago, the more time that elapses between the time I recorded my CD and now, the more that every single word that is on it is true. Only back then, you know, I didn't understand what I was saying. I went through the actions and I understood the feeling, but I really didn't know what I was saying. Or maybe I had just forgotten. I mean, I wrote those songs over a year ago. I don't know. Thinking a minute ago and I think that Rachel is gone. I think that there's no point in wasting my time with her anymore because she's so far gone that that's exactly what I'd be doing is wasting my time. And with the way I feel, I'm unsure of how much time I'm going to have left (*Author's note in the middle: This is not a suicide thing, I simply feel as though I'm going to die young, that's all.). I really don't want to waste it. Something else I was thinking about today too. About how back in the day, you know, 60's and 70's, nobody thought twice about smoking. You know, it's just something you do, you smoked, if you were an adult, you smoked. And now, everyone makes a big deal out of it. Like if you get caught smoking in the school building, you get fined and you get suspended. That doesn't seem quite right to me. It can't possibly be as bad as everyone says it is. Cause if it was, then why isn't every smoker falling dead in their tracks? Oh, it's cancer causing, I don't care. That's righ. everyone has gone away. I'm listening to my CD at the moment, BTW. You know, this is the first recording that I've actually sat down to write for my web site. I'm afraid it might be loosing its sffect. You know, it's just not that spur of the moment type thing. Because I mean, how deep can I get if I know other people are going to read this. I really need a, I really need someplace where I can let go. I don't know who's mold I'm growing to fit into anymore. I mean, I'm still being pulled either way. Like the breaking point thing, it's still going. Because I know where I want to be, I know where I should be, and I know where I am. And I don't really like any of them. I mean, where I want to be is the one that makes me happiest. But other people don't understand that, they don't understand how that can make me happy. But, I understand it. I don't guess it really matters all that much.I wish I had something else to say, something profound, something to make you think. i guess I can always say. . . People come and people go, but cigarettes are always there. I think I'm just going to waste the rest of this tape cause there's only like 2 or 3 minutes left. And I'd hate to think that I'd start out recording in a day or two and only have like 2 minutes of tape left. I think that might upset me greatly, I think it might really piss me off. I'm too tired to think about what I'm saying right now. I'm going to put this on my web page and I'm going to go, "What the hell was I thinking?" Why am I even posting this, I'm embarassed. Oh well, I sat down to record this so that I can post it on my page, so that's what I'll do with it. Good or not. See, I'm not hiding anything from you. I guess I could put a lot of periods and put "Long Silence" and just not talk anymore. But that wouldn't be doing anyone justice. Sometimes I go back and I think about what my life would have been like if I were with Ambra right now. How lonely I would have felt. I always felt alone when I wasn't with her. And she, she made me feel as though I was important, as though I meant something. Not everybody can do that for me. I think that's why I fell in love with Ambra. Rachel, I don't even know. I don't even know why. Seemed like a good idea though. She hurting me too. Everybody hurts me. Except Matt, Thanks Matt, I appreciate that. I'm tirred now and I wish this tape would be over. It'll eventually end. What would have happened had I married Ambra? I mean, I would have been poor, but at least I would have been happy. And now I'm going to end up lonely. Cause nobody wants me. Nobody that I want anyway. That fact kills me. Cause I don't know what to do to fix it. I've tried lots of different, different personalities and all sorts of stuff. There's not alot that can be done when nobody wants you. . . . . . . .

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