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**Author's Note: This was written last night. Let it be known that this is the first writing I have done since I have been in college. I just needed to write. Writing is as bad as nicotine, you get addicted to it and are forced to do it to save your sanity. Okay, so maybe it's not as bad as nicotine, but it's damn close. Enjoy...
I went outside a minute ago to have a smoke and a conversation with myself. The cigarette was great. The conversation, on the other hand, left some to be desired. I'm unsure what's up with me (and we know something always is). I mean, it's not that I'm unhappy, I've never felt better in my life. I've just yet to feel completely content with my life as a whole. You know what else I figured out? The city's nice and all, don't get me wrong, but there's so much you miss out on here. I discovered this when I looked up to see that beautiful star-filled sky and it was gone. I suppose that's how I feel. I mean, the sky is supposed to have stars. I am supposed to have something overwhelmingly beautiful inside of me. Something to feel the ugly emptiness. Well, at least I'm not frustrated here and there are many (be them ever-so-odd) cool people here. I keep hoping for that comfortable complacency to set in; to make me settle in my niche. I've only been here a week and a half though, that's hardly enough time to find that. All in all, I guess I really miss about three things from home. 1) Fitting a role in society. Even if it was only the person everyone loved to hate. 2) My anger toward my environment. I know that must sound so incredibly odd, but it's the truth. It was the familiar, now all of these emotions that I can't remember having are in the forefront. They were once drowned out (much like the stars here) by my anger. And the fuck of it is that I've never really had to deal with emotions such as rational love or complacency. So, it's all a rather new experience for me. 3) The night sky. I once watched hat sky for hours on end at camp outs. I was always so angry at it then. I was so determined that the city lights should drown it out, determined that all of my problems would disappear once I was out of Breckinridge County, determined that I could change the world. Thus, is a young man's dream. It doesn't work like that you know? The stars are gone, but the problems are still here. The stars are gone, but only a hand-full of people know me, much less allow me to change them. But, I suppose the best way to sum up my experience thus far is in my own words. "I'm tired, I'm hungry, I feel like shit and I've got too much studying to do to relieve any of it, but I've never been happier in my life." -one love.
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