Midnight Bitching Session
I think it's fucked up seeing as how this is what, the fifth time this has happened to me. I think it's pretty fucked up that they all start the same way, I think it's pretty fucked up that they all end the same way, I think it's just pretty fucked up that when I start getting attached to someone, decide that they are worthy to let inside, they decide I'm not what they want. Tells alot about me, doesn't it? I think the only cool thing about it is you had the balls to tell me tonight. Hell, I could be anything, but the way in which the people who supposedly love me treat me, tells me exactly what I am. I don't need you to tell me what I am. I already told you, but you insisted I wasn't that at all. You insisted that I was someone who was special. You insisted on making me trust you and I did you know. Trust you that is. You insisted on me believing that I was special. You all did. That got me really far, didn't it? I'm so fucking special I gotta web page full of sadness, a hard heart, and a craving for a cigarette. But I can't really make you all go away, now can I? Of course not. You're everywhere. I can't escape that. If I could get away, don't you think I would? If I could get away from me, don't you think I would? If I could be someone else, someone who had someone, had something, anything, don't you fucking think I would? Or am I too good for that? Wanting something I can never have? Sounds like someone we know, doesn't it? I'm not him. I'm just tired of dealing with it. I'm tired of wanting to have that in my life and always being let down. You were the most gentle though. At least trying to be friendly about the whole situation. Hell, you started it, just like the others. But hell, what's the use, you know? You can't deal with me and that's understandable. I'm just not happy right now. Hell, the only time I've been happy, an I mean REALLY, TRUELY fucking happy in the past year has been the last week. But fuck, man, it was just a misinterpretation. Anyone could have done that. You know, you just get tired of being everyone's big brother. You get tired of being the one everyone turns to for a little conversation, the one who knows what he wants, but never finds it. That's me. So, sure, I'll be the big brother, but don't expect too much and you won't be disappointed. Shit, how often have I said that? I generally say that from the begining, but we didn't really have a begining, now did we? do you understand that? I understand completely. Am I pleased about it? not really, but hell, it's been worse. Been much better too, but fuck it. Disappointment isn't an uncommon feeling for me. In fact, I'd damn near call it a friend. If it wasn't for disappointment I'd not be half as complex as I am. Not half the writer I am. It's almost funny even considering myself a writer, you know? All I do is punch a few letters down on the old computer here and I get all these people e-mailing me with the "Oh, I can sooo identify with where you're coming from." I appreciate the empathy, but unless you can feel every little thing I feel, then, no you can't identify. You know, I've never felt more alone. It's damn sad, it's like it gets worse everytime. Maybe, I just forget inbetween. I forget the isolation. I forget the coldness. Well, fuck it. I'm tired and not really wanting to deal with this anymore. I shouldn't deal with people who aren't like me. I shouldn't explore any other realms anymore. I should just sit in my room and become friends with the silence. It'd be better than feeling like shit everytime this happens. People are too damn dangerous... what'd you think I'd say? Cool? Bad call. Not my choice though. Never is....
-one love.
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