Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like
we've got it all figured out
Well let me be the first to say that I
don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
ain't gonna' pretend like I do
Chorus
just trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way the best that I know how
Well I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say
but I'm working on it
Maybe I'll master this- art form someday
If I quote all the lines off the top of my head
Will you believe
that I fully understand all these things I've read
I'm just trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way the best that I know how
Well I- haven't got it all figured out quite yet but
even if it takes my whole life
to get to where I need to be
And if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to you, and
trying - to find my way
“So, how is the Business, Mister Lorne?” Stiff, that is how I was. Hungry and rather annoyed at everything inside the world—green, good-hearted demons notwithstanding at the moment.
“Good, I think… What brings you here mistress Angelus?” No beating around the bush, thank god.
“Security fee. The Master needs your powers to read some unfriendly Mohra demons that are having a conference at W&H, and he hasn’t gotten your quota on the prophecy department.” He read futures all the time, so he was bound to tell us when something really bad came to his ears and we in return had mystical barriers in his place to keep him and the customers safe.
“Of course, he called me a few minutes ago. I’ll be seeing him later today—you look rather grim—may I offer you some blood?” I smiled and showed him my pointy fangs and he snapped his fingers to get it to me pronto.
“Excellent, I was very much starved indeed. Would you care to do me?” His eyebrows went to his horns to that proposition. He thought I had meant sex!
“The Master would dismember me and then feed me to his hounds, right after torturing me for eternity…I’m afraid to even touch you, birdie.” I laughed heartily and he relaxed. I was very amused at his idea that I might want to sleep with a demon, specially when I had been recently and thoroughly satisfied by my mate and pleasantly numbed to a point where leaving home had been a true gory task to accomplish.
“He would do that and more. But I did not meant sex! I meant song reading, as in psychic?” He sighed and rubbed his temple, utterly relaxed to the real proposition.
“Of course, please select a song out of the top of your head.” Out of the top of my head? I could only think * Jingle bells *, for the whole Christmas nearness and all, but I didn’t want to sing that.
“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Lorne, happy birthday to you!” And then I clapped my hands at the end and laughed feeling very ridiculous. After all, he had said “of the top of my head.”
“Gee, I’m blinded. Allow me to get a hankie to dry my tears. Your song…very nice indeed. As to the reading well that is another matter.” He had actually liked it?! Please, that had been pathetic.
“I don’t have eternity, mister, so get on with it.” I didn’t realize what I had said until Angelus made a soft growl in my head, remembering I actually did had eternity…with him.
“You need to go to Sunnydale and follow these instructions.” He handed me the paper he had been writing on and gave me a brief hug.
“That’s it then?!” That was an anti-climax. There had to be something else.
“Nope, nothing else. That’s all folks! See you next time though…and by the way, it is really my birthday, so thank you” Well I guess I should go then. They do say early risers get the best, or something like it.
“Don’t mention it. Happy birthday then?” He nodded me off and me and the very taciturn, all silent Oz left the room together. Accompanied only by the sound of our footsteps in the concrete of the stairs as we left the room and the city altogether.
“Indeed, you really don’t have eternity, birdie, and I need sunglasses for your next visit. I’ve never ever seen so much light coming out of a single being let alone a vampire. It was like looking into the sight of God. I’m tingly all over. Man, that women is made of pure love…how odd.”
My amazing hearing and Mind reading powers had given me the ability to reach his internal monologue and it was upsetting to say the least.
But I didn’t pay much attention to it. I really didn’t believe in fortune telling and most certainly not the one coming from a green looking demon with a heart. His note was dutifully forgotten in my pocket as Oz made the drive back to Sunnyhell…
But still there was something about him that reminded me of Aurelia’s prophecy, as if he could have seen the future or at least the past I was trying so hard to forget. What was it about me that gave me away? I surely appeared the bloodsucking fiend I was, but why would he think I was made of love? Why would anybody think that without proof or reason? I decided I had to try harder to keep it at bay around people, but how could one deny her own soul?
+++
Sunnydale, November 25th 4:00 pm
“Look at you! I thought you would’ve giving birth already.” I was tired. The trip from LA had been a dull, long one with Oz by my side. He was great to travel with because he talked very little, only the utmost necessary words were said. I was so lost in my thoughts conversation would have difficult to keep up at best.
“Buffy! God I haven’t seen you in eons.” Janna and I were friends, out of necessity first, and then for mutual care for Giles.
“I know I had to come…well, this is Oz, he is Willow’s …boyfriend and my friend. This is Janna, Mrs. Giles—where’s the man by the way?—I have a million of things to say to him.” I was suddenly 17 again, and I was looking for my daddy. I wanted to show him everything, including the small note Lorne had given me.
Save Xander, Save Logan—who?—save Janna and Rupert, Don’t save Ethan—small comfort—and go straight home. That was all to it, very explicit but also cryptic, save them from what?
“And how is Sunnyhell?” Janna laughed and shrugged. It was pretty clear: same old, same old.
“Faith’s here,” Oz said, startling us with the sound of his deep voice. He hated the girl on reciprocal manner of Willow and I. She was yet another sore thorn on our side.
“Yes. Giles and her are training in the basement. Would you like something to drink, Oz?” He declined with his head and took my luggage out of the threshold and into the living room.
“As a matter of fact I need to find Xander first. Do you know where he is?” Janna rubbed the left side of her round stomach as her son moved along inside her. Suddenly a kick was all too evident. I pushed my hand softly against it, compelled to touch it by unforeseen forces. He kicked some more and settled more comfortably again. I was delighted and mildly astonished at the feeling of new life growing.
“He likes you, Buffy! Xander…I think he is working on the new wing of your high school, but he is coming for dinner tonight. Well I can’t offer you a drink, but maybe some brandy, Buffy?” I hugged her briefly to my chest as much of a caring gesture as to feel part of a family again. She smelled nice, like pumpkins and cranberries, and I was all too familiar with the essence of turkey filling in the air.
“NO! I’m on duty now! I brought you guys presents—“(I pulled the bag out of the suit case and handled it to her, several jewels, a few baby clothes, a bottle of Golden label from Johnie Walkers for Giles and the Diary of Aurelia)—“you, get to present opening and I’ll go buy the turkey for Thanksgiving. If my smell serves me right, yours is badly burnt.” I laughed and she looked ashamed at her lack of culinary arts. The baby moved again and I felt bound to it. It was very exciting to put my hand on top of the mound and feel it move against my skin. I wonder how it would have felt from the inside.
“I had other stuff to do and I forgot it…sorry” I hugged her again a little longer this time, lingering in the essence of her hair, for once not thinking of blood and mayhem but solely on milk and diapers and motherly things. Things I would never see. That thought brought the memory of my mommy making apple pie and reading me tales by the bed. Suddenly I was very homesick indeed. I walked her slowly to the kitchen, taking the small pain of departure once again into my heart of hearts to keep it there before it could shine out on my face again. I noticed Oz was watching me from hooded eyes and Angelus was very silent on the link.
The sounds of punches and grunts came from downstairs and I was not envious of the task. Faith was … difficult at best. Certainly she had redeemed herself on the graduation apocalypse by finally betraying the mayor, but I still had my reserves about her.
“Don’t worry—Buffy loves to save the day. I’ll be back in a while. Make some eggnog, would you?” She nodded and started opening the presents. She was radiant, very heavy on the pregnancy but beautiful. For a second I envied her and Giles, but it was a good sort of envy. The kind it makes you want to protect them from danger and preserve their bubble of happiness from the rest of the dark, ugly world, to tell yourself it wasn’t you, but it was close enough to care.
“Hurry up then!”
I sometimes wondered if she knew for certain that I was a vampire, an evil creature of the night for that matter, but it was all right. She was the representation of motherly feelings now and I wouldn’t burst her bubble of denial for all the money in the world.
“I will.” A sudden crashing memory of Angelus came to me as I said these two words. Of him making me scream under him and then of him sucking from my neck. I had to push the thought out of my head because it was clearly not the moment to get lost in the contemplation of it—to which Angelus protested soundly in the link but managed to get back to his business with demonical activity back in LA.
“So, can you track Xander by smell?” Oz nodded and went about with the gory business of saving yet another day for the people of Sunnyhell.
+++
W&H 4:45 pm (told from the Author’s point of view)
“You have to make a decision, Master Angelus. Both of us can’t have the right to do the sacrifice. Only one can.” Angelus wondered why these demons couldn’t settle his dispute. He was about so suggest drawing straws or flipping a coin when Lorne arrived.
“Buìochas le Dia.” Thank god, murmured Angelus under his breath.
“I’ll kill you! I am older and wiser, I have experience! I’ll do the sacrifice!” They all looked alike to Angelus, but he struggled to remember the name of the speaker.
“Diostra…of the Black Sea. This friend here will do you a fortune telling and so we’ll clarify whom is to do sacrifice to the Poseidon feast, all right?” Angelus wasn’t sure of the nature of the salt eating demons but he had to solve the conflict and get over with his regular business before Buffy returned from Sunnyhell.
“Fine, but I will kill him if he is the chosen one.” Angelus began to doubt the final solution would mean anything to them but he was caught up in the fight and he had to solve it pronto.
* Meanwhile in the Sunnydale High School Buffy had found Xander near death of sickness in the ruins of an Indian catacomb, he was covered in dust and pustules, he looked like he had a horrible case of small pox. *
“Give me a hand here, Oz.” He did so and together we got him into the car and drove to the hospital.
“This looks bad” Duh! Gee, Oz, you sure are dense! The man looks rotten, and stinks considerably.
“Drive faster and don’t bother keeping the speed limit.” I meant to save him, but he looked very ill indeed.
+++
* Later on, after Buffy had called to Rupert’s home five times in a row, she saw them in the reception floor of the hospital, apparently Janna was in labor. *
“My god! Are you all right?” it was a stupid statement from me to ask that but I was a little worried.
“Sure, my water broke and we had to come to see my OB/GYN. I had a planned C-section anyway, baby is head up as you can see” I could see the big head to the left side or her belly.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” Janna shrugged and made a hopeless gesture.
“Just wait I guess.” Giles came behind her and kissed her on the temple. He had a suitcase in one hand and bag full of weapons in the other.
“Stay with Jenny a sec. I will see to the Chumash matter with Faith and Oz.” Giles left with my escort and out of the corner of my eye I saw Faith carrying yet another bag full of weapons. I also noticed she was wearing leather pants and that her hair was now blonde. Trying to supplant me completely, right?
“Would you like to sit down for a while?” She nodded and clasped my hand between her owns as a painful contraction overwhelmed her.
“God! It’s like I have a giant sitting on my hips!”
I tried to soothe her making circles with my knuckles in the small of her back but I was sure that kind of pain wasn’t gonna go away quickly enough.
“I know. Everything is going to be all right.” After a while, an orderly came and took us both to a triage room. For a second, I was overwhelmed by the smell of blood that lingered in the maternity wards. It was all covered in chlorine disinfectant, but I could still smell it…and it was very disconcerting. Abruptly I felt hungry and my basic instinct told me to hunt. I wondered where that came from for a few minutes. But soon enough I was clearly aware of the dangers ahead of me, and all my slayer/vampire impulses kicked into play.
* Hours after the Doctor gave Janna the epidural and took her out to have the surgery, Giles came back. We were all hurt, the Chumash were relentless and would not die when we shot them, even Faith was tired, but knew there was a reason to fight. Giles was holding his son to his chest and we were all trying not to cry at the sheer joy that showed in his eyes. *
“What is his name then?” I asked as I held the baby for a few seconds before passing it on to his daddy.
“Logan Macauly Giles. Logan for my father and Macauly for Jenny’s granddad. Do you like it?” Faith was holding the baby now. I was trying not to look worried but soon enough it was Giles turn again, thank God.
“It’s beautiful. What about the Chumash?” I saw it now. Lorne meant to tell me to save their newborn baby. Suddenly I started believing in fortune telling after all.
“They will come for us soon enough—bloody Indians. I called your mother, she talks to me frequently on the magic shop, I told her to come. I hope you don’t mind.” So that’s how I will not save Ethan. Good. It was all becoming clear at the moment.
“Not at all. I meant to see her anyway. Congratulations Daddy-O! Are you happy, Mister Rupert?” I spoke in imitation of a British accent and he laughed at the top of his lungs.
“Fantastically, unbelievably, remarkably ecstatic with joy. Good Gracious Lord, I have a son!” Following his speech came an arrow. We were suddenly attached by the Chumash again. no quarter given to the new parents…or me.
+++
W&H 7:30 pm
“Buffy!” Angelus screamed as he sensed the arrow pierce his mate on the left shoulder. It was not near the heart, but it had been dangerous enough.
“Something wrong with the chit?” Angelus narrowed his eyes and pulled the cell phone out of his pocket. After three rings he heard the answering machine. This is Doyle and Cordelia. We are getting married today. please leave a message after the tone. Bloody hell, muttered Angelus under his breath.
“Go to Sunnydale, take Willow with you, and take weapons with you. There is a situation in the hospital. Both Oz and Buffy are in danger.” Spike made a grimace, hurried to get to his childe, and ran to help his master’s chit out of peril. Bloody hell, muttered Spike also under his breath.
+++
* The wedding went without incident, but the fight didn’t, the Mohras were unhappy with the reading and decided to take matters into their own hands. They would fight and whomever lived would make the sacrifice. *
* In Sunnydale Buffy had found the way to kill the Chumash after nearly an hour of crossfire between them. Hurt and bleeding from several spots she had finally killed the bear and saved the day, Oz had been hurt badly too and had needed stitches, Ethan Rayne had died beneath the knife of one of the Indians, Giles, Janna, Logan and Xander were safe. Faith had needed stitches too and Buffy was very tired when Spike and Willow appeared at the Hospital loaded with weapons. *
“Too late, guys. Fight is over. Let’s go hunt—I’m starving.” I had to tell myself to remember the killer vampire mode before speaking again. I was indeed very weary to count my words before saying them.
“Mistress you look ashen. Here, take some.” Willow bared her neck to me and I more than thankfully took a bite and swallowed a bit to compose my strength.
“Will, I wish you had seen this…it was bloody. You would have liked it.” It had been a battle of a very gruesome kind.
“Well, mistress, it’s time to go home then.” Spike was very silent, probably doubting my words and suddenly my mother was running toward us.
“Buffy! Please come back! I need to…”
Dear Lord not now! I needed to speak to her, but not in front of my vampire family. I had so much to say to her. I barely turned and saw the tears in her face.
“I’m not your daughter anymore. Go back inside if you want to live to see another day!” She stopped, death in her halt and turned around to see Giles and Faith running towards her. They were saying “Don’t go there.” They knew how hard it was for me to keep the charade.
“I love you, baby. I’ll always be here waiting!” Then she turned back inside, Giles was brandishing a huge cross towards us and Faith had a stake in her hand.
“Let’s go now. I hate this shit of a town!” We all left then but I felt like my heart had gone inside the building with her. I wanted badly to go and comfort her. To tell her I had missed her, to beg her for forgiveness, and to just hold her like the girl I still was. But I couldn’t and that broke my heart anew. And that too had to be hidden inside.
+++
W&H 10:15 pm
“Love, you look terrible.” I jumped into his arms and cried like a baby. He was dressed in a tux and smelled divine, like champagne and perfume. He had his hair pushed back with a wet style look and he was positively handsome in his red vest. His looks screamed best man.
“God, I feel like a human voodoo doll. I have holes the size of my pinkie everywhere. Sire, I hate those bloody Indians!” He hugged me and kissed me in the lips with vehemence but I pulled off when I noticed a noise at the other side of his studio. It disturbed me—another battle was going on in there.
“The Mohras are ‘dealing’ with their conflict.” I hugged him more tightly, burying my head in the crook of his neck. I was hungry and slightly aroused by the after shock of battles. Faith was right. It did make me horny to fight and there was the look of Angelus that was good enough to eat at the moment.
He sensed my inner struggle and weakness. He gave me his wrist to feed on it. After a few gulps I was ready to end the stupid quarrel and go have sex with my mate.
We entered the room. The smell of rotten fish and salt was abhorrent—it positively stank in there. I had to wrinkle my nose and push the sleeve of my leather jacked to cover my face. Angelus was repulsed too and we decided to combine our efforts to end the source of reek.
Suddenly one of the demons fighting spotted us as we entered the room and turned towards me. He was bleeding in several spots. He quickly returned to his fight, but as he wiped several drops of blood from his face some reached us. One very peculiar flew directly into the gaping hole in my shoulder and another hit Angelus in the eye.
“Bloody filthy creatures look at my Aubusson carpet! Argh!” Suddenly we both hit the floor and the world went black. The air was knocked into my body. All of a sudden, I drew breath and my heart started beating again. At once my head started fussing and I fell to the floor. The link had been severed abruptly, leaving me barer and weaker than ever. Angelus fell right along on top of me, like the weight of the world falling right back into my shoulders.