A Stain In My Heart

Lighting a candle, Buffy blew the small fire out with a quick puff of air. Smoothing out her skirt, she turned around and sat down on a solitary pew bench. The smell of incense permeated the air and the sunlight filtered through the stained glass, throwing jewel-like shadows across the carpeted floor. Relaxing her shoulders, she bowed her head and attempted to allow the surrounding peace to soothe her soul.

Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

Tears burned her closed eyes and a muffled sob rose in her throat. She couldn’t dare confess to anyone other than God about what had become of her life during the past two months. Hell. I’m burning alive in my own hell and I can’t take it anymore. Hearing a parishioner come up the stone steps outside, she forced her body to take on the appearance of serene contemplation.

The muted footsteps slowly made their way down the aisle, inaudible sounds of creaking joints and a weakened heart trumpeting their existence into Buffy’s sensitive ears. Allowing her pink lips to curve into a sweet smile, she caught the elderly woman’s eye and nodded politely, before bowing her head again.

On the surface she had never been better. Giles was more than pleased with her progress, not only physically, but also spiritually. Training had stepped up onto a level that a year ago would’ve been brutal. However, she was able to adapt and overcome any and all of her Watcher’s training modules. Until recently, she never really understood how dangerous Giles could be. His staid, fumbling, British persona brilliantly hid a cunning creature whose strategy made up for lack of strength.

Despite all her training her body was gaining new curves thanks to an extra ten pounds. Buffy was not immune to all the new admiring glances thrown her way. Xander had discreetly passed along the word that her name came up at least a day in the locker room, and not necessarily as a topic for male pig behavior.

Yet, despite her newfound underground popularity, she was seen as being a ‘hot nerd’ because she was completely immersed in school with no time for dating.

Buffy’s grades were up dramatically, surprising all of her friends into believing that her brush with death must have triggered a newfound appreciation for learning. Cordelia, on the other hand, had been heard muttering to no one in particular that perhaps evil magic was afoot because, “There’s no way that her dye job is just for looks. She’s blonde for a reason!”

There IS evil afoot, but it’s not magic.

Her ears twitched as she heard the visitor’s devout prayer being mumbled in a hoarse whisper. Closing her senses off to a grandmother’s pleadings for her daughter’s complicated pregnancy, Buffy could hardly contain the dam on her own misery. Lifting her head, she stared blindly at Christ hanging cruelly on his cross of salvation.

If she could find a pause in time where things had taken a darker turn it would have to be the night of her release from Acrymydion.

Angelus had awoken her before dawn, claiming her body with tender thoroughness before turning into a beast.

“Scream for me!” Wrapping her hair around his large fist, he wrenched her body up against his while spreading her legs roughly. Driving his hard body into hers, he relentlessly impaled Buffy on his cock, not satisfied until her gently wrought pleasure dripped wetly with beads of suffering.

“Ahhhh! Angelus…ahhh!” Instinctively she sought to push him away, only to feel him wrap his long fingers around her neck.

“Don’t you fucking push me away.” The words were coldly whispered against her temple, before he pressed into Buffy with calculated strokes meant to punish by stirring forth a breathless cacophony of lust.

“Don’t do this…please…not angry…”

“Shut-up!” Releasing her hair temporarily, Angelus tunneled both hands through her disheveled blonde locks, holding her firmly in place. Deliberately he ground his hips upwards, watching in smirking satisfaction as her hazel eyes darkened in hungry passion.

“Angelus!”

Soon she was clawing away at him, pleading without words to be closer to him. Kissing any patch of skin she could reach, Buffy writhed and whimpered as the sharp sensations of orgasm coyly raked silken claws against her body, maddeningly close but far away.

“Beg me.”

Trying to kiss his mouth with desperate lips, she groaned in distress when he leaned his head away, keeping himself within impossible reach.

“Don’t make me command you again, lover.”

Arching against his unforgiving hold, Buffy pitifully cried, “Please!”

“Not good enough.” Reaching with his clever tongue, Angelus licked a sinful trail across Buffy’s lower lip before drawing out each word in a throaty sigh: “Not…good…enough.”

Grinding down against his cold, hard length, she started to tremble as the beginnings of orgasm began to sweetly take hold of her. ‘I’m so close. I’m almost there.’ Clenching her eyes shut, a decadent smile slackened her mouth while her hands dug feverishly into his naked hips.

“I don’t think so, Buff.”

Neatly tossing her off of him, Angelus wrapped a hand around his cock and began pumping away. Scrambling up on her knees, Buffy crawled forward, beyond shame and sought to taste him. Just when she was a hairsbreadth away from curling her tongue around the tip of his engorged head, Angelus threw her back against the headboard.

Confusion settled heavily in her stomach, crowding out the raging lust until it faded away with a whimper. 'What’s wrong with him? Why’s he turning on me again? Just because I didn’t beg him the way he wanted me to?’

The genuine dismay in her eyes didn’t seem to placate the vampire at all. Instead, he locked his harsh, glittering gaze on hers and deliberately released himself in his hand without a sound. A frustrated cry escaped from Buffy’s throat as she rose to her knees. ‘Damn him!’

Well aware of her pique, Angelus remained motionless despite the dead seed dripping off his palm. “Come here.”

Distrusting the pleasant tones of his smooth voice, she nonetheless crawled forward and stopped only when she was inches away from his raised hand. Eyeing the thick white liquid with equal parts dismay and titillation, she wondered silently, ‘Will he make me lick it off?’ Several moments passed in speculative silence before she jumped at the dreadful sound of his emotionless voice.

“I’m very disappointed in you Buffy. I believe I’ve been more than patient with you concerning our…relationship…haven’t I?” His heavy brows drew over his dark eyes when she merely stared up at him. Menace curled about his every word, as Angelus repeated, “Haven’t I?”

Licking her dry lips Buffy rasped, “I…I don’t…know.”

“Of course you don’t darling and that’s part of the problem.” A dangerous smirk lifted his mouth before he whispered, “Do you think I’m Angel?”

“No!”

“Really? Hmm. Why do I disbelieve you?” Tilting his head to the side, Angelus murmured in a conversational tone, “Could it be because you insist on behaving as if you’re in charge here and not me?”

Feeling cornered, Buffy cried, “Why does there have to be anyone in charge? Why can’t it be like a normal relationship?”

Regarding her with unblinking eyes he answered, “Because we aren’t normal. My heart doesn’t beat and you won’t ever be like the sheep you protect.”

Dropping her eyes, she couldn’t deny the unforgiving truth of his statement.

“And when you add what we’ve become…well, it seems like we’re bound together by a dirty secret we created, doesn’t it?” Lifting out his soiled hand, Angelus softly declared, “Even more so than father and child…brother and sister…husband and wife.”

Before Buffy could answer, he growled in a vicious voice, “We’ve both changed so don’t whine about why we can’t be normal. We’re just not---so deal.” Reaching for her face, Angelus smeared his hand all over her face, ignoring the expression of disgust. “Now get out.”

Swiping at the thick liquid, Buffy felt a surge of rage overtake her. Slapping his cheek, she shouted, “How dare you talk to me that way?! How dare you wipe your cum all over my fucking face?!” Pushing his chest with both hands, she shrieked when he caught hold of her wrists and twisted them cruelly.

Leaning his face down to hers, Angelus growled, “You stupid, little, insincere bitch! When I tell you to fucking beg, you beg. Whatever I tell you to do, you do. If you can’t get that through your goddamned head, then you don’t even deserve to be here.”

Struggling against his implacable hold, she hissed, “I hate you!”

All expression disappeared from his face. “Is that so?” Roughly lifting Buffy up, Angelus strode out of the room, stopping only to scoop up her discarded clothes, before depositing her in the elevator naked.

Imperiously staring down his nose, he emotionlessly stated, “When you’re ready to beg for forgiveness, you’ll know where to find me. If not…well, then it’s your decision. Deal with the consequences of your actions then.”

Taking a deep sigh, Buffy rolled her neck back and closed her eyes. She and Angelus sped about in a continuous cycle of destruction, which made no sense but existed nonetheless.

When they first started sleeping together, it was all about how much they detested one another, oftentimes leaving her being the one in tears with tattered pride. Then things seemed to shift. Of course, there was the requisite sniping back and forth, but Buffy could’ve sworn that SOMETHING had been changing. Whether it started the night she nearly beat Angelus beyond recognition, or even later, she could FEEL that he was changing towards her.

But then whatever it was collapsed and became something worse, something ugly.

Rubbing her neck, Buffy bitterly wondered if perhaps this demented love affair was all due to the cursed bonding. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t but the end is still the same.

After the night Angelus tossed her out, she swore to herself that if anyone came begging it would be him. She may have agreed to be his completely, but she had reasoned to herself that surely she had to draw a line somewhere.

My line was pretty fucking laughable.

Each day became worse than the next and each night served only as a torturous reminder of how alone she was. Curled up in her bed, Buffy sought to ignore the increasing pain growing inside her heart and body. She had laid there, staring up at the ceiling, reasoning to herself why Angelus was a bastard and deserved the pointed end of her stake only to find her pride slipping and her reasons becoming as hollow as the shadows under eyes.

She couldn’t hide the evidence of suffering from those close to her. Many times Buffy had to smile tiredly at Willow’s concerned questions and reply, “Maybe I’m just working too hard.” Even Giles began to notice the dullness of her gaze and the haggardness drawing tightly at the corners of her mouth. His immediate belief had been that he was working her too hard.

“Buffy, I, umm, believe that perhaps I was too, ah, overzealous with training. Perhaps, we need to pull, ah, back.”

Her answer was always quick and perky. “No way, Giles! Anything worth having is worth suffering for.” How apt and telling her words were…

Every night she had prayed to see him---whether it be at the Bronze, a graveyard, or even an alleyway---only to find nothing but the usual Sunnydale demon assortment of stray vampires and ghoulish creatures.

No matter how much she cursed him and herself, Buffy couldn’t deny the visceral pain shredding her reason to pieces. Pride meant nothing anymore. It was a stupid emotion to carry, especially when it kept people from revealing their true feelings.

Because of her pride she had been left to deal with the aftermath of the Master’s death on her own for an entire summer. When she came back, she had pushed everyone away because she was too big and bad to feel things like fear and trauma.

Because of her pride she had kept Angel at a distance for almost a year. What had she been left with? Nothing but wasted time. She was not going to make the same mistakes again.

As nightfall on Wednesday came, she had waited for him, needing to assure herself that everything was going to be fine. Soon Angelus would be at her door and all would be right again. If he wanted her to say she was sorry, she would. Nothing mattered but being with him again.

Pacing feverishly in her room, Buffy had ignored the cramps of nervousness and nausea cluttering her stomach. Smoothing her hair she had heard the ring of the phone before it went silent. Chewing on her lip, her fingers kept playing with the links around her waist, smoothing and rolling the gold over and over again, before the sound of footsteps assaulted her jittery senses.

The words, when they came, were short and apologetic. “Buffy, honey, Angel just called to tell me that he can’t make your tutoring session. Something came up. He had to go out of town. When he gets back, he’ll call to reschedule.”

She had merely nodded, the urge to vomit so powerful that standing there, appearing nonchalant was all she was capable of. Long after her mother had left, Buffy’s desolate thoughts had reverberated over and over in her mind: He’s punishing me. This time he really means it. Every other time he’s always come back, he’s never allowed me to push him away, but now he really means it.

The rest of her night and day had been spent fearing that perhaps Angelus had left Sunnydale forever. Going through the motions of school, socialization, training had nearly taken their toll on her brittle emotions. The act of putting food in her mouth had made Buffy sicker, but instead of giving into the roiling nausea swirling in her gut, she had swallowed each bite and laughed at each of Xander’s jokes as if her soul was not being crushed beneath the relentless pain of abandonment.

However, after four nights of torture, Buffy had finally come across Angelus by accident, but he hadn’t been alone.

He hadn’t been creeping along in the dark with an unsuspecting victim or hiding out in an abandoned warehouse with a horde of other evil creatures of the night. Instead, the bastard had been sitting boldly at a small, window-side table for two at the local coffee shop.

Even thinking about it months later made Buffy’s blood boil. It started out so horribly, ended so beautifully, but that was the final nail in my coffin. After that, there was no going back.

Numbly staring at his laughing profile, she felt as if the bottom had dropped out of her stomach. After the hell she had been going through, this is what he was doing? Taking out some girl for coffee? Vaguely she wondered if this was the same place Oz had taken Willow earlier in the week.

Before she could stop herself, Buffy’s feet were steadily walking towards the entrance while her mind became a black cauldron of unspeakable rage. Without a glance or acknowledgement of the cheerfully spoken “Hello!” from the cashier, she stalked over to the chatting couple, and stood there glaring at the intimate scene until Angelus looked up.

One smirk. All it took was the lifting of his smug mouth before Buffy snapped. Immediately overturning the tiny, black table she ignored the gasps of shock peppering the air around her. Her hazel eyes dilating from the force of her uncontrolled emotions, her hand whipped out and wrapped itself around Angelus’ neck. “I could fucking kill you right now!”

“Hey, look, I don’t want any problem…”

Releasing her faithless lover with a disgusted push, Buffy shifted her attention to the tall redhead. Lovely pale skin accented with a light dusting of freckles covered a face that was pretty and womanly. The stranger looked to be in her late twenties and by the judge of her tasteful clothing, obviously successful and independent. 'Is this what he wants? He always calls me a brat and a child. If I were an adult, would it be different?’

Faced with all her insecurities in the flesh, Buffy could feel her rigid control slipping away. Her voice was uncharacteristically icy as Death itself as she softly stated, “My problem is you. So take my advice before I forget what you are: walk out of here and NEVER look at this man again. Do you understand?”

“Buff---”

Without dropping her gaze from the stranger’s shocked blue eyes, Buffy snarled, “You shut-up! I’ll deal with you when I’m finished.”

Nervously glancing away the woman fumbled with her purse and made to stand up. “Look Angelus, it’s obviously not a good time. Perhaps we’ll reschedule…”

‘Reschedule? Who the hell does she think she is?’ Before Buffy knew it, she had dragged the much taller woman out of the shop and into a convenient alley, but not before backhanding Angelus into the floor. Throwing the hapless female against the brick wall, her fingers itched to close themselves into fists and pummel the scared face beyond recognition.

Standing there in front of her potential prey, Buffy’s chest heaved in and out as if she had been running for hours while black specks kept dancing about the edges of her sight, threatening to take consciousness from her at any moment. Days of suppressing a roller coaster of emotions, lack of sleep, and pure fear had taken their vicious toll on Buffy.

Hatred poisonously twisted alongside the love she had been suffering for Angelus, tempting her to want to drive a stake through his faithless heart. ‘While I’d been going out of my mind, this is what he’s been doing. While I cried tears of blood, he was sipping cappuccinos with this bitch.’

“Did you fuck him?” The words were dead, spoken in a voice that was terrible because of its lack of feeling.

Leaning into the rough, brick surface the woman sought to put as much distance between herself and the enraged teenage girl. “I think you’re misunderstanding what I’m doing here.”

A grim smile quirked her pink lips briefly. “Pay attention. That’s not what I asked you.”

“Buffy!”

Slowly turning her head, she coldly watched as her straying vampire stalked into the alleyway. “Be quiet.” A distant part of her realized she was becoming a perfect feminine copy of Angelus and wondered if she should feel proud. Addressing the cowering woman Buffy asked again in a succinct voice, “Did. You. Fuck. Him?” The pain hovering at the edges of her consciousness lashed her relentlessly with what the answer could be, but it didn’t matter. She had to know.

“Let it go!”

Without shifting her gaze, Buffy felt the simmering fury boil out from the lid of her personal command. “Why the FUCK are words still coming out of your mouth? Didn’t I tell you to be quiet?”

Roughly grabbing her shoulder, Angelus growled, “This is not the time for displays of affection, Buff.”

Closing her eyes, she could feel her face contort with rage. Spinning around she laid a lightening quick blow to his jaw before kicking him squarely in the gut. A small glimmer of satisfaction blossomed darkly with her breast as she watched him fly against a trio of garbage cans. ‘Son of a bitch! He thinks he can just toss me aside whenever he feels like it---like I’m some doll. He’s mine and I won’t let him go now. I won’t let him go to anyone else!’

“ANGELUS!”

Hearing the redhead’s panicked cry, Buffy found a new focus for her awesome anger. Advancing on the cowering female, she ruthlessly shoved aside the fact that she was the Slayer and the person in front of her was just a human. She no longer cared that her strength was hundreds of times more than the stranger’s. Buffy only saw a rival. Reaching up for a clump of ruby hair, she ignored the frightened gasp as she fell further into the blackness of her own demons. Before she could raise a hand, she heard Angelus come up behind her a split-second too late.

Wrapping bands of steel around her tiny frame, he hissed into her ear, “She’s a human! You can’t fucking do this!”

Bucking against him Buffy cried in a venomous voice, “Since when do you care? Or is it because she’s your new, precious girlfriend? Is that it, you rotten piece of shit?!”

Fighting to keep his body intact and his mistress under control, he yelled to the hapless woman, “Go! Go now!”

Without waiting to be told again, the redhead scurried away, nearly tripping in her haste to flee the alley.

Watching her rival disappear Buffy gave into a howl of unbalanced fury amidst the piercing pitch of approaching police sirens. “You let her get away! I HATE YOU!”

“Be quiet! Or do you want to attract MORE attention than you already have?” Not waiting for her answer, Angelus contracted his legs before springing into the air with Buffy’s wriggling form in tow. Landing on the roof with easy grace, the vampire leapt from building to building, ignoring the Slayer’s shrieks of rage.

Finally stopping on his terrace, Angelus released Buffy but still kept a wary eye on her. Crossing his arms in a gesture of arrogance, he raised a dark brow and asked, “Now would you mind explaining to me as to what the FUCK that was about?”

Enraged beyond sanity, Buffy grabbed an iron urn and flung at his head. “You have NO right to ask any questions here! YOU were the one found drinking coffee and laughing it up with some…slut!”

Easily catching the missile, Angelus carefully placed it back where it belonged. Towering over her petite frame he tilted his head and murmured, “Slut? Isn’t that rather harsh, even for you? C’mon Buff, I thought you were above all petty flaws. Since when have you been the type to call every pretty girl you see near me a slut?”

‘He’s mocking me! That prick is actually mocking me!’

An enigmatic smile tilted the corners of his lips as he brushed back a loose tendril of Buffy’s hair. “You’ve yet to start crying. You must really be pissed.”

Slapping his hand away she gritted out, “You think?” When he started laughing she narrowed her eyes and opened her mouth to scream exactly what she thought of his vampire lineage, before she swallowed her temper and chose to whisper instead, “I wonder which I should cut off first: your tongue or your prick. It seems like both are the source of all my problems."

Tilting his head back Angelus let out a great whoop of laughter. “Goddamn, Baby! You really are becoming just like me!” Settling his amused gaze upon hers he stated, “I told you we’re the same.

“You and I are the same Buff.”
“No Angelus, we are NOT the same.”

“Maybe we are.” Shoving him against a stonewall, she hissed, “Now what were you doing with that woman?”

Linking his arms around her waist, he smirked when Buffy pushed them off. Giving a long-suffering sigh he muttered, “Jealous girl,” before he answered, “She’s my jeweler.”

“Bullshit.”

“It’s true. Why else do you think I couldn’t tutor you?”

“To punish me for the other night.”

A wicked smile flashed across his mouth briefly while a chilling light entered his eyes. “That would be passive-aggressive, lover. I’m just aggressive-aggressive.”

“You’re also the master of playing mind games.”

“True, true.” Tapping her cheek with one finger he stated, “However, I had to go out of town to see some pieces.”

Jabbing her finger into his chest, Buffy snarled, “Pieces. Right. Pieces of what?”

“Stones, my pretty idiot. That poor human you nearly beat to a bloody pulp is my contact to finding rare and perfect jewels…like sapphires. You should admire her skill, after all, if it wasn’t for her speed at procuring the best you wouldn’t be wearing those chains.”

Seeing the rare sincerity on his guileless face, Buffy took a long look at what the woman had really said.

“Hey, look, I don’t want any problem…”
“Look Angelus, it’s obviously not a good time. Perhaps we’ll reschedule…”
“I think you’re misunderstanding what I’m doing here.”

Buffy’s black wrath collapsed upon itself immediately. Thinking back on her actions she began to burn with familiar guilt. ‘Oh my God. If Angelus hadn’t stopped me, who knows what I would’ve done to her.’

Catching the smug superior expression on his face, Buffy wound her fingers in his shirt and shouted in defense, “I’m not an idiot! If it were the other way around and I disappeared for days before you saw me with some guy, you’d be pissed too!”

Shrugging nonchalantly Angelus gently grabbed her wrist and kissed the underside softly. “Like I said---you’re becoming more like me.”

Dragging in a shaky breath she closed her eyes and muttered, “You’re trying to confuse me."

“You think?”

Wrenching her wrist back she brought her hands up to her head and yelled, “Goddamnit, Angelus! Shit, shit, shit!” ‘He’s right. I AM an idiot!’

“As adorable as your temper tantrum is right now, why don’t we sit down before we continue your delightful inquisition?” Gallantly holding out an arm, he patiently waited for her to stalk over to ornate iron chair.

Seating across from her, Angelus seemed content to merely close his eyes and enjoy the night breeze.

Staring at his achingly handsome profile, Buffy unwillingly felt the sharp edge of her rage dissolve. ‘He’s here. He didn’t leave me. I’m with him. He wasn’t cheating on me with that woman.’ Before she could attempt to shield her feelings in favor of fury she asked softly, “Why did you get so mad at me the other night?”

“Hmm?”

“Why’d you flip out on me?”

Without opening his eyes he answered, “Because I’m tired of everything being a negotiation with you.”

‘Negotiation.’

“I’m sick to my gut of having to coerce or explain everything I do to you. How hard is it to understand ‘Beg me?’”

“But why---”

“Why should you have to do things like that? Because that’s the way I am, Slayer. That’s the way vampires like me roll. I get off on dominating you. When you submit to me, it makes me even harder. It comes down to one thing: I’m not vanilla, I'm not Angel, and I never will be.”

Staring down into her lap, Buffy let his words soak into her. ‘He’s being honest with me, I can feel it.’ “But…it’s…I mean…it seems wrong.”

“Hmm.”

“It’s hard for me to be docile all the time.”

“Obviously.”

"I'm usually submissive around you. I mean, considering I'm the Slayer and you're, well, a vampire."

"Hmm."

‘He’s still not looking at me.’ Feeling her cheeks flush she swallowed once before her courage deserted her. “I haven’t begged for forgiveness yet.” ‘I want to be with him. I NEED to be with him. I’ll fall apart without this man.’

One dark eye slid open before it closed again. His posture indicated absolutely no response to her words.

Standing up she approached Angelus’ still figure. Climbing onto his lap she watched his face to see if her actions were unwelcome. Leaning her head into the crook of his neck, Buffy whispered, “I missed you.”

“You brought it on yourself.” Although his words were unsympathetic, he brought up a hand and began stroking her back.

Clutching him tighter she could feel the tension that had taken up residence in her body fade away. “I wanted to kill you when I saw you with her.”

“I know.”

“I don’t know what we are, but I can’t take the thought of you being with anyone other than me. I’ll…I’ll go CRAZY if that happens.”

Angelus’ hands stilled in their soothing task. “Are you warning me?”

Leaning back she looked him in the eye and answered in a clear voice, “Yes.”

A full smirk crossed his mouth. Slapping her bottom he murmured huskily, “Two sides of the same coin, Baby. We’re two sides of the same coin…”

Beneath the stars Buffy had willingly begged Angelus repeatedly in a voice that had eventually grown hoarse.

'But then things grew darker.'

That night had been the last of her rebelliousness. He said that just as I have a choice, so does he. And what he wanted from me was crystal clear. From then on, she had sought to become everything her lover wanted. The old struggles of loving him vanished, to be replaced by the obsessive need to please Angelus. Their separation had been too much--burning the experience of what life would be like without him into her psyche.

While a tender lover he was not, Buffy could not deny how skilled he had been with bringing her body to explosive release. Although rough at times, she could not have found complaint with his traditional methods. However, once their entanglement entered a new realm, she could barely remember what it was like to have normal sex.

Sensing a flush redden her cheeks, she acknowledged that although she should be ashamed of her actions, especially because she was in a church---she wouldn’t necessarily take them back.

Feeling a speck of dust land on her palm, Buffy glanced down to see her hands lying there in her lap limply from habit. Through Angelus she had learned how even a simple gesture like this could communicate so much.

“Always keep yourself open to me. Place your hands on your knees, palms up, yes, like that. When you sit in my presence I want your legs to never be closed tightly. Instead part them. The degree of openness will tell me how much you desire me and what I’m doing to you. If modesty is required, such as in public, the tiniest bit will do. Even your mouth, lover. Never keep it completely closed. Here, like this. Do you feel how it's parted just the slightest? Good. Now do you understand?”

“Yes, Angelus”

“Good girl.”

Angelus was a thorough master, strict with high expectations for her, yet effusive with his compliments when she pleased him. If her actions towards him were personally demeaning, she was so far gone that it rarely entered her head perhaps Angelus was abusing her.

Especially when I experience the insane bliss that I do…

Perhaps it was because he started her lessons innocently enough, treating them more like a game rather than the psychological conditioning it really was. Although knowing that, I still didn’t care. Maybe I still don’t. But then again, it had somewhat been their honeymoon phase...

“C’mon, lover. It’s not that difficult, is it?” Caressing her tightly bound wrists, Angelus purred, “I’m not using chains this time, only silk.” Running his tongue down her raised arm, he whispered, “There are so easy to break too. All you have to do is lean too far in any one direction.”

“Mmm. Mmm.”

Stepping back, he studied her face with playful curiosity. “You’re crying.” Reaching out with one pale hand, Angelus captured a solitary tear before bringing it up to his mouth. Stroking her sensitized stomach he murmured, “But you’ve done so beautifully, darling. Why are you breaking now?”

Stretched to the tips of her toes, Buffy could do nothing more than give a muffled moan. With arms held high above her head, an insignificant length of silk bound over a wicked hook kept her strung tightly. He was right: if she moved more than an inch, the metal would slice right through the silk.

And no matter what, Buffy could not let that happen.

The velvet in her mouth had been soaked through long before, yet it still effectively stifled her cries. The first hour had been simple, the second a breeze, but by the fifth she began to feel discomfort, now it had been close to ten hours and her body hurt so badly.

Feathering a kiss across her damp temple, Angelus murmured, “But darling, you said you wanted to know what it felt like to be a vampire, to be bound to the darkness. So this is the closest thing.” Glancing down at his watch he cheerfully added, “There’s only an hour and ten minutes left to sundown, so you’re almost done.” Pulling away, he stated in a reproachful voice, “Although unlike me, you actually have a choice. If you can’t hack it, Baby, just tear through your bonds.”

‘I can do it! I didn’t spend my entire Saturday strung up here for nothing. I WON’T fail!’

Closing her watery eyes, Buffy commanded her mind to focus past the agony whipping over each exhausted muscle in her body, and instead imagined what it would be like to go the distance---proving to Angelus that she wasn’t a little brat who couldn’t keep up with him.

The vampire read the determination in his lover’s face and graced her with a proud smile. “That’s my girl.” Circling her he gave a low sigh. “You carry your pain so beautifully, did you know that?” Touching her quivering thigh, he crouched low and brushed his mouth across the smooth flesh.

‘Oh, God! His mouth is SO close.”

Smelling her arousal, Angelus smirked in appreciation. “Even though your body feels as if it’s going to be ripped apart, you can still do this for me.” Blowing on her dampening curls softly, he nuzzled the silken fur before standing up.

“MMM! MMM!”

Playfully slapping her rear he made a chastising sound. “Now, now, lover. Patience is a grace you’re working so hard at---don’t disappoint me.”

Feeling her control slip, panic set in, robbing Buffy of breath and endurance. “Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!” ‘Angelus, please don’t leave me! Don’t stop touching me! I’ve been good for this long!’

Ignoring her obvious cries of dismay, he returned to his seat, picked up his brush and oil paints and resumed working. His deft hands worked feverishly, continuously glancing back at Buffy before dropping his gaze back to the canvas before him.

Realizing he had no intention of touching her again, Buffy drew several shuddering, yet muffled breaths, and found an object for her focus: his hair. Imagining what it would be like to touch the dark strands during passion inspired a worthy meaning for her self-imposed misery.

Feeling her lustful stare upon him, Angelus paused, smiled, and then blew her a rakish kiss, before continuing with his work.

Moaning softly she knew she could do anything for him, just so long as he viewed her with pride. If she had to go back and trade places between what they used to do and now, she would immediately pick their circumstances now. ‘Even if he’s displeased with me, his focus is completely mine. Every night is spent with him. Whether I’m by his side, on his lap, or at his feet, I’m all that he sees and while it might not be love, it’s a start.’

Time passed and the bright light of daylight deepened into the approaching palette of dusk. Putting the last touches on his portrait, Angelus set his tools down before taking a long and unnecessary stretch.

“Oh, lover. It’s been quite a day, hasn’t it?” Gazing at the product of his labors with a critical eye he murmured, “Overall, you were a good model. Not perfect mind you, but excellent. You stayed in the same position as requested. Hmm, but I know you'll do better next time.” Gathering the numerous brushes he strolled away, leaving Buffy alone in the gathering darkness.

Uncontrollable impatience tore through her as her eyes became fixed on the doorway where Angelus walked through. The sensation in her body had gone past pain a long time before and was presently a strange curiosity of numbness shot with occasional spasms of intense agony.

In the distance she could hear Angelus in the kitchen. The sound of running water co-mingled with cabinets opening and closing. Tears sprang to her eyes as the minutes passed on spiteful legs. ‘Where are you? Let me down!’

As the dusk melded into full-blown night, Buffy irrationally wondered what she was doing on her ‘supposed’ trip out of town with her mother. Because of her lie it was the first weekend spent with Angelus sans curfew and school, without Giles or anyone suspecting a thing. Still, she wouldn’t be stepping foot outside until tomorrow night, in order to avoid running into anyone she knew. ‘Maybe I’d be getting ready to go to dinner, after having spent the full day shopping, being hung up…on a dress…before…oh dammit! Why isn’t he back?’

Sweat began pouring from her body in earnest as the temptation to break from her bonds became more than a wish. Glancing up Buffy could see the night sky through the expansive dome. ‘I want down! It’s past time. If I slice the silk I won’t be cheating. I made it through the day. But what if I’m supposed to wait?’

Another thirty minutes passed while Buffy wrangled with her indecision. Soon the smell of fresh fruit, cheese, and wine tempted her nose. Realizing that she hadn’t eaten all day, her stomach made the choice. With a decided tug the silk split, leaving her free.

Collapsing on the marbled floor Buffy clenched her teeth as the combined pains of her body and appetite tore through her. Barely able to keep coherent thought, she ignored the torture racking her limbs and stumbled across the lengthy room, instinctively seeking the kitchen.

Gracelessly entering the small, brightly lit space Buffy was met by the site of Angelus leaning back against the granite topped counter, a large tray in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. “At first it’s not a choice, rather a torture worse than your mind can believe manageable, but then eventually the pain fades until all you wait for is the dark.”

Holding out his offering, he watched with veiled amusement as Buffy pounced, snatching the food before gulping down the wine in an instant.

Gently taking the empty glass back, he refilled the contents and set it down on the counter. “But even once the darkness comes, the fear sets in. ‘What should I do? Should I just stay here?’ Your conscience battles reason, all the while indecision taints everything. But then something stronger takes over.”

Pausing in the midst of her ravenous feast, Buffy lifted her head and waited for him to continue in curiosity.

Brushing off several crumbs from her mouth, he placed the tip of one finger against her lips and waited patiently for her to open her mouth and begin sucking it. Feeling her little tongue slide sensuously against his skin, Angelus’ eyes grew hooded with desire. “Hunger. The hunger strikes and it’s all you can do to even remember your own name. You become a slave to it, following wherever its siren call leads you. Nothing matters, nothing is more important, than making it go away just so you can find yourself again.”

Slipping his finger out of her delightful mouth, Angelus quickly lifted her naked body upon on the counter before spreading her legs widely. Placing the tray by her side, he murmured, “You don’t have to stop, lover. Keep eating until it goes away.”

Nodding her head Buffy whispered, “Thank you.”

A beautiful smile lifted his lips as he graciously answered, “You’re very welcome, my darling girl.” Bending his dark head, Angelus murmured, “At first, it controls your mind until it’s appeased…until it’s satisfied.” Without preamble his mouth swooped down and began its own sensuous feast.

Feeling his clever tongue delve into her, Buffy screamed in unbridled pleasure. Clutching his head with both hands, she pressed her hips closer, not caring how wanton she was behaving.

Although she was still hungry, she didn’t want to stop touching Angelus, to stop feeling every part of him. The thread of her pulse grew stronger, beating a primal plea to quench her lover’s hunger, to soothe the beast with an eager offering of her own blood.

When his fingers crept up and easily glided into both entrances of her body, Buffy arched up and immediately exploded. “ANGELUS!” Before she came down, she felt his face shift. “Please…please…”

Rising up he loomed over his flushed mistress, heady with the knowledge that the unnatural features contorting his face inspired lust and desire in the girl beneath him instead of fear and loathing. “But then sometimes it never goes away, no matter how many times you curse it, sometimes it never leaves your being.”

Clutching his broad shoulders, Buffy raised her neck and hoarsely demanded, “Let me help you.” An indescribable expression crossed Angelus’ face, before he accepted her pretty offer. Feeling his fangs sink into her neck, she felt the day’s strain and the supreme ecstasy of moment overtake her, slamming Buffy into unconsciousness.

Releasing a soft sigh, she could not deny the desire settling low in her stomach. That had just been one of many lessons she had learned under Angelus’ skillful hands. Afterwards, he had been so tender with me---bathing me, brushing my hair, rubbing scented oil into my sore muscles. I spent all night with him in me and everything I had undergone that day had been worth it, because I was all he could see. Even when he hissed my name like a vile curse at times, I was all he could see. And I never wanted that feeling to stop.

But there had been moments which hadn’t been quite so viciously pleasant…

However, those lessons didn’t come until much later.

I should feel completely guilty, shouldn’t I? I mean, I do feel guilty…a lot of the times…but not so much anymore.

I enjoy what I do. I enjoy feeling this. I can’t justify it, it doesn’t make sense, but I don’t care! It makes sense to me!

Buffy could feel a flush of rage darken her face. I can imagine what people would think if they knew. How can she be like this? Doesn’t she know how strong she is? She’s the Slayer! She’d never be so weak! How can she submit to a vampire? Doesn’t she have a backbone?

She blew out a small rush of air. Fuck them. I have to carry the world on my fucking shoulders 24/7. I have to please my mother, my friends, my Watcher, the Council, and anyone else who thinks they have an opinion to share. Do they think it’s easy? Do they think that this is a fucking T.V. show? Oh yeah, let me just go and take care of the baddies in 60 minutes with my self-esteem intact. It doesn’t matter how my life is in a shambles on every level, I’m fully equipped to do exactly what they want, when they want! I’m just a little character that can be manipulated to please everyone…but myself.

I can be controlled to suit whatever everyone THINKS I should be.

Her internal rage burned out abruptly. Who was she angry with? No one thought that way of her, because she was…perfect.

At least in their trusting eyes.

Glancing at her watch, Buffy noted she only had about ten minutes left. Directing her mind to prayer she silently whispered, I’m always so fucking confused about what’s right and wrong. Oh, sorry, God. I kind of forgot where I was. Okay, back to the point. Every time I think I know what side of the fence I’m on---I end up straddling it again. It sucks.

Buffy silently watched the elderly woman make her way down the aisle.

I know that when the world sees me, they think I have everything together. Why wouldn’t they? My grades are perfect, my Slayer skills unmatched, and my shoes are cute.

A tiny smile flitted about her mouth. Buffy’s last remark proved her superficial vanity was still there. Giles is so proud of me, my friends think that I’ve been able to move past Angel with admirable strength, and that Angelus is staying away because I kick so much ass. Oh! Sorry again, God.

Just that day Xander had made mention of it in his oh-so-sensitive way.

“Hey, Buffster? You haven’t seen Dead-Boy lately, have you?”

“No. Why?”

“No reason. Well, other than he must REALLY be scared of you. I mean, he hasn’t made good on his reputation.” A sneer marked Xander’s face briefly. “I knew the rep was just smoke.”

“Should I want it to be more than smoke?” she asked with a sarcastic drawl.

The implications of his ill-thought-out statement dawned on him. “What? Oh! Sorry, Buffy.” Xander smiled sheepishly before stating with confidence, “You could still stake him where it counts though because you…kick…ass.”

She DID kick ass. Every night she laid down at least two vampires. However, it wasn’t quite the same. The previous dry spell had run its course thanks to Angelus.

Buffy felt like a pagan because of the jewels adorning her body. Naked except for the encrusted chains, she watched silently as Angelus went about his tasks.

“I didn’t know you had this kind of hobby.”

A familiar smirk lifted his mouth. “It saves more time than painting you, wouldn’t you agree?”

Shifting her position on the plum-colored divan, she nodded her head. “Yeah, but how do I know you won’t be a perv and show all your demon friends?”

“Stay still.” Angelus set two light lamps in position. “I could, but then I’d have to kill them.”

Obeying she asked, “Why?”

He paused and looked at her directly. “For seeing you naked.”

An arch smile curved her mouth. “Grr. Possessive.”

“Always.”

She continued to watch him for a few more seconds before speaking again. “What about the internet?”

“Buffy, is there something you’re trying to tell me? Can I trust that you won’t take a print when I’m done and upload it onto a server?”

“Angelus!”

“Well?”

“I’m not a pervert!” She turned her head and raised her nose. “You have the privilege of being one all by yourself.”

“Woman! Stay. Still.”

Buffy hated sitting still and Angelus knew it. That was why he had her doing it quite a lot. It was done to make her an ‘incomparable creature.’

“Have you enjoyed your vacation?”

Challenged to keep her body motionless, Buffy asked, “If by vacation you mean the fact that I haven’t had a fight that I didn’t pick---no.” Her eyes, however, had their fill of his naked torso by following his every movement. ‘He looks so beautiful. His skin is so pale, so perfect.’

Angelus chuckled lightly. “I forget how much you enjoy confrontation.” Adjusting the lighting with an artistic eye he continued. “I have good news for you, my darling.”

Ignoring the uncomfortable pinch centering on her nipples she replied, “Really? What is it?”

He walked forward and lifted her chin just the tiniest bit. “You’ll get to slay again.” Immediately he padded away.

“Slay again?” An invisible hair landed on her. Buffy wiggled her nose, hoping to force the distraction off.

“What are you doing?” His voice held traces of annoyance.

“My nose itches.”

“Can you get over it?”

“If I could, don’t you think I would?” she snapped back in a very non-submissive tone. ‘Oh, hell. Is he going to get pissed?’

Prowling towards her, Angelus reached out and carefully removed the offending piece of hair. “Is there anything else I can help you with, my queen?”

Staring at him beneath lowered brows, Buffy muttered, “It’s not very nice to make me fun of me.”

Leaning down he nuzzled her cheek with his. “Who says I’m making fun of you?” With that whispered question, he spun around and walked away.

Conscious not bite her crimson lips, she could feel the blood pool between her naked legs. “Why will I get to slay again?”

Loading his camera with film, he glanced in her direction. “Because I’ve allowed every clan, including my own, to send their best warriors to fight you, but only two at a time.”

Buffy’s eyes widened. “What?!”

“You heard me.” Snapping the lid shut, Angelus peered through the lens.

“You put a hit on me?”

Satisfied with the equipment strolled towards her propped up figure. “You can say that.”

She promptly exploded in rage. “I can say that? I DID just say that! Whatever happened to that whole ‘You belong to me’ crap? You’re just dishing me out like that?! I can’t fucking believe you!” Ignoring the signs of displeasure on his flawless face she yelled, “No, I take that back. I CAN believe you’d be that much of a backstabber! It just makes me sick---”

“Buffy.”

“What?” she growled.

“Shut. Up.” Lifting up his camera he clicked off a shot.

Narrowing her eyes in hurt fury she hissed, “This…fashion shoot…is all you care about!”

Angelus took a few steps to the side. “You should be pleased that this ‘fashion shoot’ is important to me. It takes my attention off of what you just screamed. If it didn’t, I most definitely would be warming your backside right now.”

Before she could blink back her tears, one slid down her face. “Why do you even bother? Why do I?” Immediately she felt equal parts embarrassment, anger, and sadness for showing her emotions so plainly.

Click

“Perfect.” Correctly reading her bewilderment, Angelus explained. “I was looking for one shot. You gave it to me. We’re done.”

“You’re right. We are.” Sitting up Buffy slid off the divan and searched for her robe.

Watching her movements with an emotionless eye, he set the camera down. “What are you doing?”

She ignored him and picked up the discarded silk.

“Was there any specific…meaning…in your words?”

The sounds of her sleeves snagging on the gold cuffs was the only answered he received.

“Oh, no. Here we go again. The silent treatment. My little girl would rather huff and pout instead of communicating like a mature adult.”

As expected, he drew a rise out of her.

“What is the point, my exalted Master? My feelings are insignificant compared to your hobbies. It’s of ABSOLUTELY no value to even have the COURTESY of attempting to understand why I’d be so mad.”

“I can agree.”

Glaring at him for a several seconds Buffy let out a cry of rage. “You’re such an asshole! I don’t even know why I bother with this! I have so much going on in my life already.”

“Because you love me.”

Unable to deny his words, she let out an angry sigh. “I try with you, Angelus. I really do, but you make it impossible to love you. You push me away every chance you get.”

“But you still love me, don’t you?”

Crossing her arms defensively she looked away. “So? You’re still mean. You don’t care about my feelings at all.”

“I’m not Angel.”

“I know that! I’m not asking you to be him! I’m just asking for---”

He narrowed his eyes with interest. “What? Tell me.”

“A little consideration.”

Angelus let out a short bark of anger and began circling Buffy. “A little consideration?” Stopping he leaned close to her small ear. “But you haven’t given me any.”

Buffy jerked away. “I have too.”

“No you haven’t. You just jumped to conclusions, hell bent on thinking the worst of me.”

Staring ahead she emotionlessly murmured, “You put a hit on me. You offered me up to any vampire who wants me. Should I thank you?”

“Your mere existence is an offer to any vampire roaming the land.” He traced the lines of her shoulder with one finger. “And as a matter of fact, you should. I’m helping take care of some loose ends.”

Shuddering because of his gentle touch, she closed her eyes. “Meaning?”

“You haven’t been slaying many vampires for a while now. So Giles has probably contacted the Council with his concerns. They might decide to start investigating. We don’t want that, do we?”

A tense moment of silence passed. “No.”

Angelus came around her. He lightly gripped her neck with one hand and tilted her head back.

“This way, everything returns to status quo.” He leaned forward to place a gentle kiss on her lips. “And what makes it even better is that Giles will hear that I’m behind the attacks on you.”

Seeing her confusion on her face he clarified. “Given what’s been written about me, I’m sure he wonders why I haven’t come after you.”

Fixated on the beautiful picture he made with her lipstick on his mouth she shared, “I think he hopes you’ve forgotten about me.”

Angelus clasped her hips and tugged her forward. “Like that would be possible.”

Buffy’s heart quickened. ‘Is he saying more?’ “Angelus?”

"What?"

“What if I lose?”

An expression of distaste crossed his handsome face.

“Where’s your spine girl? You were already an excellent Slayer to begin with and now after our bond, you’re practically unstoppable. What would you have to worry about from a few ego-driven bloodsuckers?”

A blush dusted a pink bloom of pleasure across her cheeks. “So you’re saying I could kick your ass then?”

A dark brow flew up in disbelief. “Hardly, Baby.”

An impish lifted one side of her crimson mouth. She poked him with one finger. “Yes you are.”

He started growling in warning.

Instead of being intimidated Buffy grew bolder. “I can beat you up! I can beat you up!” she sang in litany while poking his chest with each hand.

“Buff.”

“What?”

“Stop it.”

“No.” She watched in fascination as his face transformed. “A girl can kick your ass! A girl can kick your ass!”

Angelus suddenly lunged for her only to come up empty.

Buffy’s laughter echoed throughout the room as she danced away. “Too fast for you? Aww, poor vampy.”

He smiled, displaying a wicked set of fangs. “You want to play, lover? Let’s play.” Without another word he gave chase.

She took off running with a little scream. Sprinting from room to room she felt the exhilaration flood her veins. Just as he came within inches of grabbing her, Buffy sped away. It became a game to her—each time she let Angelus get a little closer before spinning away.

As the minutes passed it became obvious to Buffy that he was playing too. Right before he approached her, Angelus would purposely slow his movements until he was a visible blur.

One time he got close enough to touch her hair before she took off through the study. Buffy’s continuous laughter would’ve given her away if it weren’t for her enhanced speed.

Finally coming to a stop she crouched behind a pillar and scanned the shadows. She couldn’t hear Angelus at all. Several minutes passed before her laughter ended and tiny spurt of nervousness jumped through her veins. She couldn’t stand the idea of being caught.

Especially after she had taunted him.

‘Where is he?’ Creeping cautiously out from her hiding spot, she heard Angelus a split-second too late.

Barely having a chance to look up she felt his body tackle hers. “Oomph!”

His eyes swirled between gold and emerald, entrancing her with their primal beauty. “Gotcha!”

Panting from beneath him she breathed, “I let you get me.”

“Ha!” Angelus brought his face down and delicately scraped her neck with a fang. “You grew impatient and that’s why you got sloppy.”

Squirming she cried, “I did not!” before her voice trailed away. “Okay, maybe I did but---”

“There is no ‘but’ Buff.” Pushing up on his hands he growled, “I’ve told you time and time again that you have to master your impatience. It’s your greatest weakness. The vampires coming for you aren’t going to be entranced by a pretty face. They are coming for your blood.”

He gracefully stood up and held out a hand.

Accepting his help she mumbled sourly, “I thought you said I could take them.”

“You can.” His vampire visage was still in place, as well as his borrowed lipstick. “But not if you’re unfocused. Playtime is over, lover. They’re not going to be like the vamps you dust around here. By the way, this is the second time someone’s gotten the drop on you from above. Don’t let it happen again.”

Entwining her fingers with his Buffy giggled.

Annoyed he barked, “What’s so funny?”

“You.” Clarifying she arched her feet and reached up with her free hand to touch his mouth. “I’ve never seen a boy vampire with lipstick.”

Hauling her over his shoulder Angelus slapped her naked bottom hard. “Here I am, trying to be serious with you and you laugh at me. Fine then. Be a corpse.”

Rubbing his naked back with her cheek she pressed a kiss against the cool flesh. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Umm…for…laughing at you?”

Tossing her on the couch he crossed his arms and sighed. “With that weak apology you leave me no choice. I’m going to have to eat you.”

Buffy boldly lifted one leg on the back and dropped the other on the floor. “By all means.”

A reluctant smile appeared on his mouth. “Now who’s the pervert?”

Buffy bit her lip as an echoing smile flitted across her mouth. She HAD been a pervert that night. That was also the first time she had ever used a vibrator. Her maidenly reactions had amused her vampire tremendously.

Angelus took a deep breath before smiling gently. “Lover.”

The kind expression on his face made Buffy scoot back.

His dark brows raised in surprise. “What?”

“What’s wrong with your face?”

“What do you mean?”

“You look…nice.” Clamping her legs closed she suspiciously asked, “What are you planning on doing?”

“Ah. I forgot. You actually like me violent and crude. Forgive me.” Grabbing her ankle he hauled her back down and placed her legs over his.

“Angelus!”

“Unless you’re moaning my name---not a word.” Nudging her wet folds with the head of his cock, Angelus easily slid in. Starting a slow teasing rhythm he watched Buffy’s flushed face with interest. “Touch your nipples.”

Buffy obeyed with very little reluctance.

“Squeeze them. Hard. Harder.”

“Ah!” she cried in pained pleasure.

“Good girl,” he crooned while keeping a deliberate pace. Angelus lifted her leg and began licking the sensitive skin behind her ankle. “Now I want you to touch yourself.”

Without hesitation Buffy slid her fingers past the chains, down to the damp curls between her legs.

“It feels nice, doesn’t it?”

She arched her hips and felt a tight ache of want flood her system. She wanted more. She wanted to feel his body slamming into hers. She wanted to feel…more. Suddenly Buffy heard a low buzzing sound in her ears. Her fingers fell away as Angelus held a small vibrator against her clit.

“Where’d you---”

“Hold it.”

“But…umm…I…oh! I mean, I’ve never…”

“I know. However, unlike me, it’s not going to bite you. Hold it.”

Gazing at him through heavy eyes, Buffy shyly reached out and wrapped her fingers around the pink object. A small smile crossed her face. “Pink?”

Leaning over her small body, he balanced himself on one arm while holding up her leg. “I’m starting you off tame, lover. Say thank you.”

“Thank you, Angelus,” she murmured sweetly.

With a smirk he began a fast rhythm that soon had her crying aloud with carnal satisfaction. Buffy’s embarrassment faded quickly as the dual sensations overcame every part of her body. Soon she began her familiar pant, alerting her vampire lover that release was imminent.

He obsessively watched every shift of her expression, warming her with the sensation that he saw HER.

Afterwards, as they lay entwined on the bed Buffy suddenly laughed out loud. Holding the silent vibrator in her hand, she turned it on with a twist. “It’s so cute!” Angelus’ chest rumbled beneath her ear in response. Examining the sexual device she exclaimed, “I always thought they looked like…well…you KNOW…but this one doesn’t.”

He kept his eyes closed as he murmured, “Its only job is to satisfy your clit---it doesn’t need to look like a cock.”

“But what if I want it to do more?”

Angelus opened up one eye.

“You just started masturbating---what---maybe a few weeks ago and now you want a dildo? Aren’t I enough? Especially after two times already tonight? I'm surprised you can even walk.”

Impishly grinning she kissed his mouth quickly.

“But you’re not always around. Maybe I need back-up.”

An enigmatic smile hovered on his lips. Reaching over he took the pink rival out of her hands and let his hand creep down beneath the covers.

Buffy let out a smothered yelp and startled.

“I didn’t say now!”

“I know, but it pleases me.”

Quickly inhaling she stuttered, “W-What?”

Pressing a heated kiss on her shoulder Angelus answered, “Your appetite. You’re ready for more.”

Standing up, Buffy saw who she was waiting for. She quietly made her way towards the front of the dais and thought, He was right. I was ready to test my limits. Little did I know my limits weren’t just about sex, but my beliefs too.

“It’s amazing how we’ve been able to hide this for so long.” Accepting her lover’s courtesy, she waited until he pushed her seat in before saying, “I mean, here I am in San Francisco with you and no one knows.”

Sliding into the chair across from his mistress, Angelus smirked.

“Because they all think you went to see your darling Daddy.”

Buffy lifted up her goblet and took a tiny sip of the wine, barely suppressing the alcohol-induced shudder. ‘It tastes so strong.’ “Are you sure my Mom won’t call?”

Leaning back in his chair he lightly shrugged. “She’ll wait until you call her.” He graced her with a smug look. “I’m sure of it.”

She frowned and dropped her eyes. The excitement of an illicit weekend getaway suddenly didn’t seem so appealing. ‘He manipulated her mind yesterday. Enough so that I was able to leave last night and she never noticed.’

“What’s wrong, lover?” His voice, although low and even, held an edge of impatience.

“Nothing,” she replied softly and looked out the window. Distantly she noticed how the skyline was beautiful at night.

“Don’t lie to me. You know how much I despise lying.”

Buffy heard the warning in his voice and turned back to him. “It’s wrong, Angelus. Going into my mother’s mind is wrong---and I shouldn’t have let you do it.”

“Let me soothe your conscience on one issue, Baby. You wouldn’t have been able to stop me, so quit feeling guilty over something you had no control over.”

She bristled slightly upon hearing the arrogance in his tone. ‘I hate it when he talks like that.’ Her reaction did not go unnoticed by Angelus.

“Is there a problem, Buff?”

Buffy lifted her chin and murmured, “I guess there isn’t.”

Angelus sighed before commanding, “Come here.” He watched as she slowly obeyed and waited until she stood by his side. Pushing his chair back he lifted her until she was settled comfortably on his lap. Gently stroking her back he softly stated, “Your guilt only brings you unnecessary pain, lover. You want to be with me, I want to be with you. Whatever methods are used shouldn’t matter, as long as we both get what we want.”

Closing her eyes she felt the tension seep from her body. Resting her cheek against his neck she quietly disagreed. “It’s not that simple, Angelus.”

“Why? She wasn’t hurt. What I did doesn’t hurt humans.”

“Maybe not, but where do we draw the line? First it’s one thing that seems pretty insignificant and harmless, but then eventually it gets corrupted. We may be stronger than humans, but that doesn’t mean we have the right to use our strength against them.”

Buffy lifted her head up and lightly touched his tense jaw. “I want to be with you so much that I forget that sometimes.” Leaning up to kiss the scowl tugging at his firm mouth, she whispered, “I love you so much that I don’t care…until I really think about it.”

Angelus’ eyes burned with cold fire as his hand pressed against her naked back. “If you were a vampire it wouldn’t matter.” He repeated himself from before. “Your guilt brings you pain. If you weren’t human, you wouldn’t feel it anymore.”

An expression of distaste crossed her pretty features. Before she could say anything the familiar sneer marked Angelus’ dark beauty. “Forget I brought it up, lover. Your guilt is your own.” Easily lifting her off his lap he muttered, “The mood is quite broken, Buff. I suggest you return to your chair before I decide to call this whole weekend off.”

Seating herself once again, Buffy felt sadness overtake her. As long as they pretended nothing else existed, they got along very well. As long as the real world made no appearance, she could allow herself to be directed by Angelus on every level and not feel badly for it.

But theirs was a world not based on reality---only fantasy.

Angelus raised his hand and signaled for her dinner to be served.

“Buffy. How good of you to come.”

Sincerity shone brightly in her face as she returned the greeting. “Father Marion, how’s it been?”

A few lines crinkled at the corners of his merry blue eyes. “Holiness must be on the rise today---I haven’t had many confessors.”

“That’s an awesome goody, right? Even though it might put you out of a job.”

Walking alongside the blonde girl the priest answered, “I’m actually one of the few who would be delighted to stand in the unemployment line.”

Buffy giggled at his words.

“I’m completely with you. I’d have no problem turning in my stakes and collecting unemployment. No better yet---retirement.”

“In your case, Buffy, it’s completely understandable.”

Entering through the antechamber, her eyes never failed to appreciate the dark polished wood lining the room. The smell of beeswax wafted through the air, attesting to faithful upkeep. She waited until Father Marion opened the next door and led her through a series of twisting corridors that led them beneath the church foundation.

Arriving at a stone wall, he discreetly pressed against the hidden latch and stepped back. The solid wall slid back to reveal a large, heavy door. Removing an intricately forged key from beneath his robes, the priest inserted it into the lock and turned the key with small effort. Father Marion then politely ushered Buffy into the room before closing the door behind them.

“Are you sure they won’t miss you upstairs?”

“No. Father Kelly is available to see the parishioners.” Walking over to a small refrigerator he offered Buffy some refreshments. “Are you thirsty?”

“Yes, please.” Accepting the bottled water with a smile, she sat in one of the worn but comfortable chairs. Careful to make sure there were no books nearby, she set her drink down on a side table and watched as the priest poured himself a glass of milk.

“How long has this been down here again?”

Returning the milk back to the refrigerator, Father Marion pulled out a wrapped sub and answered, “Before this church was built. There are no records of exactly when it was constructed, but I estimate it to be about three centuries.”

“Wow.” Slipping her shoes off Buffy stretched her legs and laid her head back. Life was funny. She first saw Father Marion the morning after Angelus had bit her and then threw her out. Never did she expect to see him again.

“Look to him and you’ll find salvation.”

“What did you say?”

"You looked troubled. Look to him and you will found the answers you seek.”

Buffy had no idea that a mere month later she would be spending at least two afternoons a week with him. As part of her training she was studying demonology with Father Marion.

“Here, take half, Buffy.”

Shifting her head to the side she asked, “Are you sure?”

His gentle eyes brightened with humor. “I’m positive. After all, a growing Slayer needs all the nutrients she can get.”

Accepting the sub and a napkin she took a bite before moaning in bliss. “This is SO good.”

“Thank you. I tried a different oil this time.”

As they ate in companionable silence, Buffy remembered when the first time Giles had brought her to the quaint church. Recognizing it from before, she had nearly fallen to the ground when she also saw the same priest who had seen her wearing only a leather duster.

Afraid that he might mention it she felt nausea with fear. However, when their introductions were made Father Marion merely smiled and said, “Nice to meet you, Buffy. I hope I’ll be able to help you in any way I can.”

Although it had been strange at first to study under someone other than her Watcher, she soon adjusted. The priest was patient and calm, soothing Buffy’s agitation when she grew tired of staying in one place too long. Whereas Giles found it to be more a struggle to capture her attention completely, she found it nature to concentrate on Father Marion.

Through her studies she gained new prospective on the creatures she slayed, using the information to formulate better strategies and quicker kills. Yet that wasn’t all she had gained during the past month.

Over time Father Marion had become somewhat of a confidant, listening to her fears when she voiced them and always finding a way to put them in a safer light. However, no matter how close she had become to this gentle warrior of God, Buffy still tried kept certain secrets close to her heart.

“Giles has told me that a vampiric decree has been placed against you.”

She nodded as she swallowed the last bite.

“Yep. There seems to be a big ‘notch on the belt’ thing going on in the vampire world.”

Turning towards her, the priest softly said, “He also told me that Angelus is the one who placed the decree.”

Carefully dropping her eyes she felt familiar guilt burn her conscience. She was supposed to be heart-broken over this bit of news, but it was harder to function through the lie. It was hell to lie all the time. It was killing her inside to pretend that she was someone she wasn’t.

“Given your history with him, I can imagine that this must be very difficult for you, Buffy.”

“It’s not exactly easy.”

A moment of silence passed before Father Marion quietly shared, “It’s not too late, Buffy. You can still give him up.”

Feeling tears fill her eyes, she rapidly blinked the away. “But I don’t want to give him up.”

The priest released a compassionate sigh. “I know you don’t, Buffy. However, nothing good can come of this. No matter how infatuated Angelus is with you, eventually he will kill you.”

She sniffled once and waited until her voice had more control.

“You’re like Giles, aren’t you? You don’t think vampires are capable of love.”

Father Marion’s answer was immediate.

“I absolutely believe they are capable of love. However, Angelus is different. His human scars run too deep.”

Looking into his blue eyes she whispered, “Lady Fiona.”

He nodded his head in agreement. “Lady Fiona.” Folding his hands and placing them on his lap he continued. “Infidelity is the core of his insecurity. Angelus is a slave to the endless cycle of trust and fidelity. He doesn’t trust you and therefore he needs you to continuously prove your devotion to him. But your efforts will never be enough and eventually you will commit the very act he fears.”

Buffy’s brows drew into a frown as she hotly cried, “I’d never cheat on him! Never!”

The priest was not offended by her angry tone. Instead he asked, “But would you leave him?”

She paused and then replied, “No. I love him.” Immediately she felt compelled to explain. “I didn’t want to, Father Marion. I fought against it. I know he’s not Angel---”

“You don’t have to justify your love for Angelus, Buffy. I don’t condemn you for your feelings.”

Several seconds of silence elapsed as she revisited her conviction. Would I leave him? I know I just said I wouldn’t, but that isn’t entirely true.

Angelus had been furious with her.

Laying on her bed Buffy felt as if the demons of Hell were feasting on her heart. Her eyes were swelling faster than her body could repair them. The tears just kept pouring as she remembered his heartless words.

“You are such a worthless bitch, did you know that Buff? Who are you to make judgments on Druscilla? At least she had the grace of complete obedience, whereas you are a pitiful excuse for a consort.”

“How can you say that to me?”

“Apparently you are stupid on top of being worthless. Get out of my sight and do not even think of returning here until you learn respect for your Master.”

It had been eight days since Angelus had dismissed her from his presence. All she had said was, “How did you stand Druscilla enough to turn her? It’s so annoying to hear her talk! Does she ever say anything without, ‘Ooh the stars are whispering my name?’ or something equally annoying? If you ask me, Spike went through too much trouble trying to drain Angel to save her.”

Curling up on her bed Buffy couldn’t deny the agony pounding in her body. She hadn’t fed Angelus and apparently her blood suffered his loss. Thinking about it reminded her that SOMEONE was feeding him.

‘But who?’

In the past seven nights her hunts had been going on until dawn, in the hopes of ensuring Angelus was not creating more vampires via feedings.

She never saw a trace of him.

Feverishly Buffy had scanned the obituaries, but the death count had not risen at all. Who was feeding him? Then her thoughts returned to the seemingly fragile vampiress. ‘Right now, is he with that bitch?’

Clutching the pillow against her chest she let out a watery sob. Apparently Angelus was fiercely loyal to his former mistress, enough so that he punished Buffy for speaking against her. ‘Maybe he loves her? Is that why he defended her?’

The thought brought forth a fresh bout of tears before Buffy eventually broke under the strain.

‘I can’t stay here. I can’t take this. I have to leave.’

Walking towards her closet on unsteady feet, she quickly threw her suitcase on the floor. Unmindful of the noise she was creating, Buffy softly muttered, “Mom’s in Europe for another week. She won’t need to know. I’ll take the emergency money and my bank card. I can be out of Sunnydale in an hour. I’ll figure out something to tell Giles. I just need to get out of here.”

She haphazardly threw in random articles of clothing before shutting the case. Not caring that her face was a blotchy mess, Buffy quickly ran a brush through her locks before securing it into a ponytail. Shoving her feet into a pair of running shoes she grabbed a lightweight jacket and picked up her suitcase.

Jogging down the stairs she walked into her mother’s office and took a hundred dollars in cash. Buffy rummaged through the lock box before finding her ATM card. Flipping it over she saw that she hadn’t even signed it yet. Plucking a pen from Joyce’s desk she hastily scrawled her signature and then thrust the card in her jacket.

Ready to leave, Buffy grabbed her mother’s keys and mumbled a silent prayer of thanks that she had left the car at home instead of the airport. She locked the door and briskly walked to the parked SUV. Disengaging the alarm Buffy threw her suitcase in the back seat and slid behind the wheel. Turning on the engine she got ready to reverse when a black Rodeo suddenly pulled up behind her.

‘Angelus!’

Staring at him in the rearview mirror she tightened her fingers on the steering wheel. He was parked so close behind her that she didn’t even have room to back up an inch. Turning off the car she slid the key from the ignition and placed her hands back on the wheel.

‘Why is he here? Is it coincidence or did he find out what I was planning on doing?’

Buffy abruptly heard his door slam shut and ducked her head a bit. The sound of his even footsteps inspired sick fear and twisted devotion in her gut.

The tapping on the window was clearly meant for her, but Buffy merely stared straight ahead without removing her hands from their place.

A second passed before the crunch of glass made her jump and turn towards him. Angelus had put his fist through the window, but instead of the window spraying all over her, it merely crackled before flopping in one piece on her shoulder.

“Hmm, well what do we have here? A suitcase full of clothes I take it?” A tense pause passed before he purred, “Going somewhere, lover?”

Refusing to meet his dangerous stare, Buffy fixated her gaze on the view in front of her.

“Get out of the car, Buff.”

Mulishly she tightened her mouth and disobeyed. ‘I need to get out of here. I can’t take this. I have to go.’

A harsh chuckle echoed eerily in her ear before Angelus reached in and unlocked the door. Opening it with a steady hand he repeated, “Get out of the car, Buff.”

“No.”

Her one word of defiance apparently snapped the slim thread of control he possessed. Yanking her out of the vehicle, Angelus dragged her struggling body to his Rodeo. He quickly opened up his door before tossing her inside.

Buffy immediately lunged and opened the passenger side before she ran into the night.

Speeding through the streets of Sunnydale she knew it was nearly impossible to elude Angelus, but she didn’t care. ‘He doesn’t love me. No matter how much I try to be everything he wants, it’s never enough. He’ll never love me.’

Angelus had taken Druscilla’s side over hers and then banished her from his presence. He didn’t care about how little it made her feel to know that she wasn’t the most important person in his life. He didn’t care about how anything made her feel unless it was under his direction. The bitter truth that she could not deny was that Angelus still thought of her as being beneath him.

And the unhappy consequence was that it tore her apart.

‘I need to get away from everything. I need to leave here.’

As Buffy ducked behind buildings she wondered where she could go. The bus station was too deserted and the small airport was definitely out. It was then that she realized she still held her car keys clutched in her hand.

Doubling back to her house she cautiously checked to see if Angelus was anywhere in sight. Noting that his SUV was gone she debated on whether she should wait a few more minutes in case he came driving by or if she should take her chances and go.

‘Just go.’

Buffy immediately sprinted towards the car and flung open the door. Jamming her key in the ignition, she ignored the cracked sheet of glass and threw the gearshift into reverse. Peeling out of the driveway she stomped on the gas and flew down the street. Within minutes Buffy was on the highway out of Sunnydale.

The wind was cold against her face, inspiring fierce shivers to periodically rack her body. The miles accumulated in a dizzy blur of bright headlights and seemingly endless tracks of road. Eventually she pulled off onto an exit and found a mid-price hotel. Emotionally exhausted she grabbed her suitcase and walked towards the entrance.

‘I’m tired. I need to go to bed.’

Reaching out with one hand she pulled on the doors but they wouldn’t open. Buffy tried again before reading the small plastic sign posted on the wall. After she pressed a button, she was shortly buzzed in.

The desk clerk looked slightly tired but managed to be friendly and polite. “Hello! Checking in?”

Setting her case on the floor she nodded her head and replied, “Yes.”

“Alright, but I do need to inform you that because you are checking in before 7:00am your check-out time will still be 11:30am.”

Buffy mulled it over for a second before nodding her head. “Okay. Can I have a wake-up call set?”

“Of course. Now I’ll just need your drivers license to check you in.”

‘Drivers license!’ Buffy could feel her face pale as she frantically began searching her pockets. “It’s gotta be here somewhere. I know I didn’t leave it.” Glancing at the desk clerk she apologetically smiled and murmured, “I’ll just need a minute. I seem to have misplaced it, but I’m sure it’s here somewhere.”

“No problem. Take all the time you need.”

Buffy felt a sweat break out on her forehead as she dug through her belongings only to come up empty. ‘I didn’t bring it. I can’t believe I was so stupid to have left my license at home!’ Standing up she sheepishly explained, “I can’t find my license.” Seeing the regretful expression on the clerk’s face Buffy rushed out with, “But I have money and I can give you my address!”

“I’m sorry Ma’am, but our policies are quite specific regarding check-in. I can’t check anyone in without a valid ID.”

Although knowing it was a losing cause Buffy attempted one last plea.

“But I’m really tired and I need a room.”

“I understand, Ma’am, and I’m truly sorry,” the clerk abruptly stopped and murmured, “Excuse me.” The tiny hum of a buzz sounded in Buffy’s ears. A terrible ache drummed in her neck, causing her blood to shriek in tortured bliss. ‘No.’ Immediately, she lifted her head and saw Angelus gracefully stalking into the foyer.

‘Fuck me!’ She bent down and snatched up her suitcase, fully intent on leaving before he got within six feet of her. “Thanks for your help. I’ll just keep going. Goodnight.”

Before the clerk could say anything Angelus raised his hand up and coldly ordered, “You don’t see anything in the lobby right now,” without stopping. “We’ve left to go to another hotel and there’s no one here.” Instantly, the clerk turned around and resumed her previous tasks.

“You pulled off too soon, Baby. You should’ve waited until daybreak.”

Trapped beneath the menace of his stare, Buffy’s fingers tightened on the handle of her suitcase. Nervously she looked over her shoulder and watched as the clerk let out a sleepy yawn before sitting down out of sight.

‘There’s nowhere I can run now, so the least I can do is show a little bit of pride. I’m not going to be afraid.’ Emboldened by her thoughts she lifted her chin and softly stated, “You just don’t get the hint, do you?” However, she still took a couple of steps back.

He ignored her question and continued to stalk her down.

“Buffy, I’m going to tell you something and I want you to listen carefully.” Stopping directly in front of her, Angelus’ rage was barely contained as he clenched his jaw repeatedly. “If you ever try to leave me again, I’ll break you. I’ll break into a thousand pieces and nothing anyone does will EVER put you back together again. Do you understand me?”

‘The only reason why he’s even here is because I didn’t do what he wanted me to. He doesn’t care about me. Only his pride is wounded. The only person he remotely cares about is Druscilla. Not me.’

Her heart started beating with heavy precision before it erupted in fury.

“Who the hell do you think you are?!” Buffy screamed, completely forgetting the presence of the clerk. “You LEFT me for eight nights! EIGHT FUCKING NIGHTS!” Dropping her suitcase on the floor, she shoved him and screeched, “You don’t have ANY right to threaten me about anything!”

Grabbing hold of her wrists, Angelus yanked Buffy towards him and growled in return, “Have you lost your damned mind?!”

“Yes! Yes, I have, LOVER,” she sneered. Breaking free from him she felt angry tears well in her eyes. “You toss me aside whenever you feel like it, don’t you, LOVER? Just because I said something against your precious, insane bitch!”

“Don’t tell me you’re jealous?” he arrogantly smirked.

If he had expected Buffy to deny her insecurities, he was wrong.

“I am. So what? Why wouldn’t I be jealous? I LOVE YOU, you worthless, dead bastard!” Her voice deepened as notes of melancholic discord came through. “But that isn’t enough, is it? So why are you even here?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” His dark, mocking voice was full of future retribution. “To bring my disobedient bitch to heel.”

A terrible fire of spurned hurt fury exploded in the depths of usually clear hazel eyes. Buffy stepped back as a bitter smile twisted her lips. “Bitch, huh? I’m no better than a dog to you, am I?” Without waiting for his answer she steadily asked, “If I’m a dog, then what is she, Angelus?”

The vampire’s immediate answer broke her damaged heart.

“Dru is a little piece of beautiful history, that’s what she is, Slayer. She was someone worth turning, worth remembering.”

Closing her eyes briefly, Buffy felt the world shift and sway. ‘I won’t cry. I won’t give him the satisfaction.’ She leaned down and picked up her suitcase. “If you want her so badly, why don’t you go trotting after her like the sorry dog you are?”

“Because unlike someone I know, she’s sitting at home, faithfully waiting.”

‘Son of a bitch!’ Standing up to her full height, Buffy swallowed once before saying, “Home, huh? Well, don’t you think you should get back before she decides to go throw herself off a cliff or something? I mean that is what your type of women seem to want to do.”

She paused for a moment, completely ignoring the mean light growing in his eyes with each second. “Oh that’s right. I forgot. That wasn’t a woman flipping out because you left her---that was someone who flipped out because you WOULDN’T leave.” Walking past his rigid form with suitcase in hand, Buffy coldly muttered, “Take the hint, Angelus.”

His hand whipped and brutally squeezed her arm. “How dare you speak to me in that tone, you insolent little girl?”

Yanking her arm away she spat, “How dare I? How dare I? I’ll tell you how far I dare---you took that bitch’s side over me! You punished ME because of HER. You threw me out and didn’t want to see me at all! Well, now this time I don’t want to see YOU.” Jabbing a finger in his direction she furiously shouted, “I don’t want to hear you, feel you, or even talk to you! Got that?”

The dark vampire’s face was set, only the cold fire burning in his eyes reflected the banked rage within him. “Well, that’s just too fucking bad, Buff. Come on---we’re leaving.”

‘He’s not listening to anything I’m saying. He’s had plenty of opportunity to deny Druscilla’s importance to him and he hasn’t. He even pretty much told me she was someone he wanted by his side forever and that’s why he made her. I mean nothing to him. He doesn’t see just me.’

Buffy felt the coldness of desolation slink about her body and turn it into a vessel filled with unbearable pain. She closed her eyes briefly and thought, ‘I know I'm splintering. I know I'm cracking under the strain of all these lies. I feel as if I’m dying inside. I can’t take it. Death is preferable to this.’

When Angelus reached for her arm once again, Buffy reached up and pulled out her necklace. His immediate hiss signified that he had indeed seen the delicate cross hanging there. Observing his contorted features, she suffered a lash of agony at the sincerity of her next words. ‘If he can’t just see me, I won’t be with him. I can’t.’

Circling him and making her way to the entrance Buffy emotionlessly stated, “It’s over, Angelus. It’s fucking over. I’m sick of you and the way you treat me. Your heart belongs to Druscilla and that’s where it belongs.” Reaching the door she clarified, “Don’t think I’m being noble and giving you up for her because I love you and want to see you happy. I’m ending it because I won’t be a replacement for another girl. No matter what I’ve done for you, I won’t do that.”

Angelus’ reaction to her words was brutal and vicious. With an enraged howl he rushed Buffy and knocked the cross out of her hand. The momentum of his speed sent them both crashing through the glass door.

Crouched over her he screamed, “Fuck you, Buffy Summers!”

Wincing from the pain of glass digging into her back, Buffy vaguely noted, ‘I’ve never heard him scream before. He kinda sounds desperate. Strange.’ Following that thought, she began struggling to throw him off of her.

Angelus lifted her head and abruptly slammed it into the concrete. Ignoring the muffled cry she let out, he hissed, “Now you listen to me, you dumb bitch. I won’t let you go. Ever!”

Taking her suitcase, she slammed it into his side. “Get off of me!”

He sank his fangs into her neck without preamble. Sucking her blood down with ravenous hunger he ignored her flailing limbs and curses until her body went limp. Releasing her neck he looked down into her pale face and saw her hazel eyes glittering with betrayal and sadness.

“So this is what it comes to, huh, Angelus?” Without removing her gaze from his she whispered, “Finish it.”

His answer was cruelly whispered in return. “You wish.” Roughly pulling her up he bent down and slid his arm beneath her knees. Settling her slight weigh in his arms, he picked up her suitcase as well and strode over to the small parking area.

In the distance Buffy could hear the clerk tell several sleepy guests that, “No there wasn’t anyone in the lobby having a fight” before stopping in mid-sentence. It was obvious that they saw the broken glass. ‘I can barely move. He took so much blood from me. Not enough to kill me, but enough to make me like this. Damnit. Why wasn't I fast enough to stop him? Why is it that no matter how strong I get, he still beats me? Do I let him do it?’

Debating on which car to take, Angelus quickly strode over to Buffy’s. She guessed it was because the broken driver-side window might attract more attention than he was willing to deal with at the moment.

Leaning her weak body against the door, he searched in her pockets until he found the keys. He lifted her up and came around the other side of the car, unlocked the door, and gently placed her within. Reaching in to buckle her up, Angelus brushed fallen strands of hair off her wound. Feeling her accusatory eyes on him, he looked up and stated, “You brought it on yourself.”

Buffy rolled her head away in response. The sounds of a door closing and then another opening echoed in her ears. Soon the engine started up and within a minute they were back on the highway.

The cold came shrieking through the window, assaulting Buffy with its unforgiving speed induced indifference. Soon her teeth were chattering uncontrollably as the chills racked across her powerless body. Apparently in response to her actions, she heard Angelus turn on the heater full blast and angle the vents in her direction.

Although the heat helped, it wasn’t enough to put an end to the cold consuming every part of her. A few minutes went by before she felt the car veer off the highway and onto an exit ramp. Too weak to open her eyes, Buffy limply lay in her seat and wished that she could be warm again. ‘I guess I’m not that into Death as I thought.’

She felt the car stop. The brightness of overhead lights flooded the car from the passenger side. “If I leave the heat on, can I trust you to behave?” he quietly asked.

Forcing her eyes open, Buffy feebly nodded her head. “I’ll be back,” was all that he said as he brushed a kiss across the closing wound on her neck.

She must’ve slid into unconsciousness because the next thing she knew she was being carried into a whirlpool tub filled with warm water. Limply lying against Angelus’ naked chest, Buffy felt the beautiful heat penetrate her cold skin. ‘We’re in a hotel.’

From far away she heard him softly whisper, “I don’t live at the Factory. I rarely even go there. I spend all my free nights with you. I don’t paint her---I paint you. I don’t buy gifts for her---I buy them for you. The only one who wears my chains is you. The only body to sleep in my bed is yours. Why can’t you see that?”

‘He doesn’t sound arrogant and nasty, like he usually does. He sounds…confused?' “Angelus?” Her voice was barely above a whisper, but it was filled with all the questions she couldn’t ask.

His strong arms closed around hers minutely, but his answer was spoke volumes. “You brought me back to life. You can’t ever leave me.” The last words were nearly inaudible. “Don’t leave me.”

“I’d never leave him, Father. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone before.”

“Even more than Angel?” The question hung in the air for a tiny moment before Buffy answered.

“It’s not loving one more than the other. I love them both. That makes me sound awful, doesn’t it?”

“No, Buffy. It doesn’t.”

She looked down as a frown flitted across her face. “It’s hard to explain, but sometimes I feel as if I see echoes of Angel within Angelus.” A moment passed as she slowly murmured, “And when I think about it, I’d almost swear that I saw pieces of Angelus in Angel.” She immediately let out an embarrassed laugh. “I know that’s not possible, being that the soul leaves the body, but…”

Father Marion’s tone, as always, was calm and gentle. “I have a question for you, Buffy.”

“Yes?”

“What if you were to find out that the soul doesn’t leave the body? How would you feel then?”

“I don’t understand.”

“What if you were to find out that there are not two individuals residing in the body at different times, but two pieces of a whole sharing the same spiritual space?”

The implications of the question was nearly staggering. Buffy took a deep breath and answered, “Then it would mean that there is no excuse or pardon for guilt. And…”

He leaned forward, obviously interested in her answer. As the moments passed by in silence, Father Marion pressed with, “And what?”

She took a deep breath to shake off the uncertainty hovering about the corners of her mind. “And that there was hope.”

The priest nodded his head. “But how would you feel? How would you treat him knowing there are not two separate men, but one?”

“I don’t know.” Her eyes took on a faraway look. “It would probably make me feel unbalanced. I mean, I would think back to everything I ever did or said from the moment he first came into my life and now.”

“Is that all?”

Meeting Father Marion’s even gaze, she murmured, “I would try to understand how Angel and Angelus could be so different.”

“Perhaps it would be a question of conscience.”

Digesting that bit of information, Buffy felt compelled to ask, “Father, is this question more than hypothetical?”

He tilted his head and answered, “If it were?”

Her eyes widened slightly before she replied, “I’d say it was impossible. Giles says that the soul leaves the body and a demon takes possession. The demon---”

“Retains all memories of its host, but is not that person. Yes, I know.” Father Marion stood up and padded over the impressive tower of books lining one wall. Without turning around he stated, “I know you’re strong, Buffy. I know that despite the darkness clouding your life, in the core of who you are, you’re worthy of this mission Fate has bestowed on you.”

He slid a thick book out of its position and carefully cradled it in his arms. “However, your life is spiraling out of control. There is no balance between the darkness and the light. You are lying to everyone in your life and finding peace only within the arms of demon. He has seduced away your clarity. The only way you can come through this unscathed is to find yourself and stand by who you really are.”

Buffy carefully took in Father Marion’s words. “I don’t know who I am.” Softly sighing she explained, “When I’m with my friends, I’m always good-hearted and a little on the ditsy side. When I’m with Giles, I always in training mode. With my Mom, I make sure I have a little shade of immaturity and brattiness. With you, I’m not so hyper.” They both chuckled at her statement.

When the laughter died down, Buffy softly admitted, “And when I’m with him, I’m whatever he wants to see. In many ways I become free. I’m not just a Slayer, or a friend, or a daughter. I’m just a girl. A girl that he once loved as Angel and one that now he keeps by his side as Angelus.”

Setting the book on a round table, Father Marion beckoned Buffy over to him. He waited until she sat down before continuing. “Angelus makes all your decisions and leaves you with nothing to control, so you’re free. Am I correct?”

She nodded her head and murmured, “Yes.” Put in that way it sounds logical, but…

“But you’re only free within his cage, Buffy. That will never lead you to your true self.”

A flush flared across her cheeks. Glancing down at her hands Buffy softly asked, “Can we please stop talking about this?”

Father Marion touched her shoulder briefly and then replied, “Of course.” Clearing his throat he cheerfully said, “Well, let’s continue from last week.”

Nodding her head, Buffy wished in that moment that he had never found out about Angelus.

“I can’t see you until later tonight.”

Despite the slight static coming through via the cell phone, Buffy could hear Angelus’ reply was laced with impatience.

“Why not?”

“Because I have stuff I have to take care of.”

“Like what?”

“Stuff, Angelus.”

“Answer me clearly, Buff. Now.”

“Slayer stuff.” Buffy had to go to the church for a couple of hours to discuss a new text Giles had come across. However, for some unknown reason that she couldn’t explain, she really didn’t want Angelus to know the details.

“No.”

“Excuse me?”

“Your hearing is perfect, lover. I said no.”

Buffy let out a little sigh of frustration. “This isn’t something I can back out of.”

“Tell them you’ve got cramps.”

“Angelus!”

“What? It’s almost the truth. You’re on your period.”

“I can’t believe you said that.”

“Why not?”

“Because…it’s DISGUSTING!”

“Why? Because you’re bloody?”

“Euw!”

“Oh, come on, Buff. Stop with the sound effects. Besides, you didn’t think it was disgusting when I ate you out.”

“Oh! Stop talking now!”

His amused chuckle echoed across the line and made Buffy’s flush turn crimson with embarrassment. “Lover,” he murmured softly. “I want you to come here early tonight. Daylight savings time is creeping up and it’s getting darker later and later. I’m getting…lonely.”

She shuddered with longing. “Mmm…you’re really tempting me.” Buffy released a regretful sigh. “But I’ve got responsibilities.”

The seductive tone disappeared to be replaced by unyielding arrogance.

“Your responsibility is to me.”

“It IS, but I can’t duck out on this one. Giles will get upset.”

“So?”

“Angelus, can you please try to be the grown-up that I know you are?”

“Buff.” The one word was drawn out and laced with warning.

“Look, I gotta go.”

“I’m not done talking to you---”

“Oh, you’re breaking up.”

“You better not---”

“I can’t hear you, love. I’ll see you afterwards, ok? I’m hanging up now.”

“Bitch---”

“Love you! Bye!” Snapping the phone shut, she turned it onto vibrate. It began buzzing immediately. Gathering her jacket, she slipped the phone in her pocket and made her way downstairs.

She paused outside Joyce’s closed office door and called out, “Mom!”

Although muffled, her voice was clear. “What?”

“I’m going to the mall.”

“Okay. Be back by 9:30.”

“Alright. See you later.” ‘Guess Mom is busy doing artifact inventory postings.’ Making her way outside Buffy felt the phone still vibrating in her pocket. ‘He’s going to kill me when I do this.' She reached in and turned off the cell phone.

Soon she was strolling down the streets towards the church. The night air was rather balmy and fragrant with early blooms. It was such a beautiful night that Buffy couldn’t help but feel happy and a tad bit carefree, even though she just hung up on her vampire lover and was going to meet a Watcher and a priest.

Giles was going to be waiting inside the church. Accompanying him would be a valuable book detailing the succubus’ origin. ‘It’s definitely going to give me the wiggins to discuss supernatural sexual deeds with Giles and Father Marion. Ah, the joys of being a Slayer.’

“Lover, I should beat your ass with my belt until you turn black and blue.” Before Buffy could say anything, Angelus had a hold of her small hand and was leading her into an alley a block away from her destination.

Glancing around to make sure no one saw them, Buffy complained, “Angelus, I told you later tonight---”

“And I told you not to hang up. I did not buy this just so you could ignore me when I call.” Digging into her pocket he deftly pulled out the cell phone. “Well, what do we have here?” He peered at it closely and murmured, “Would you look at that? It’s turned off! You wouldn’t have anything to do with that, would you?”

She gazed up at him with soft, vulnerable eyes.

“Yes, Angelus. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t try to give me that look, Baby,” he snorted. “It only worked one time. It’s not happening again.”

She looked out of the alley towards the street when she felt his hand gently turn her head back. “Focus, lover.”

“Someone might see us!”

Angelus ignored her exclamation.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to see Giles.”

“Where?”

“What?”

“You heard me,” he snapped. “This isn’t the way to school.” However, he drew out his next question with severe patience. “Where. Are. You. Going. To. Meet. Him?”

Buffy stared up at the beautiful vampire looming over her and asked in a hurt voice, “Don’t you trust me?”

Smoothing back a lock of golden hair, he smiled cruelly.

“You’re trying to hide something from me. So no, I don’t.”

It was true. Buffy didn’t understand why, but for some reason she didn’t want him to know about her visits with Father Marion. ‘Why don’t I just tell him?’

“Angelus…I…”

“Kiss me.”

‘Oh, good.’ Buffy rose up on her toes and immediately complied. She moaned loudly when his cool tongue flicked across her lips. “Oh, lover…” she sighed as she wrapped her arms around his neck. The mighty Slayer could feel her legs become quivering lumps of flesh as the Master vampire growled his pleasure.

“I want you. Right here.”

Nibbling on his strong jaw line, Buffy murmured, “Someone might see us.”

“No, they won’t.” He lifted her up and secured her within his hold. “When anyone looks in here, all they’ll see is an empty alley. All they’ll hear is a couple of cats howling.” Gracing her with a wicked look, he whispered, “One more than the other.”

“Are you really that powerful?” She felt a tremor of anticipation as Angelus shoved up her skirt.

Kneading the firm flesh of her bottom, he replied, “Do you really need to ask?” He ran a finger along her center and nodded in satisfaction. “Good. You remembered this time.”

Buffy felt her face flush from memory.

“You approve?”

“You know I do. Satin or silk underwear, lover. No cotton.” Lightly kissing her neck he murmured, “It seems that punishments DO work on you.”

Tilting her head back she sighed, “I guess they do, but I still think they’re mean.”

His dark laughter floated about the alley. “They may be mean, but you’re turning out quite nicely, lover.” Her small hands undid his zipper before releasing his hardened flesh. “Hmm, quite nicely indeed.”

Without further words, Angelus slowly thrust into Buffy’s welcoming flesh.

Her fears of the world inadvertently catching a glimpse of hedonism slipped away as she succumbed to the familiar deliciousness of mating with her vampire. She dug her fingers into his sides while her panting mouth latched onto his neck. Angelus’ growl of approval fueled Buffy’s lust and she began rocking her hips harder and faster.

Taking cue from his human lover’s carnal reactions, Angelus drove deeper into her core.

“Tell me how much you want me, Buffy.”

“Oh…lover…I want you…always…you…only you.” Inspired by her words, the beginnings of orgasm quickly pulsed throughout her body. Soon she let out a muffled cry and bit down on his neck.

Her actions sent Angelus’ orgasm over the edge. Crushing her within his hold, Angelus drove into Buffy one last time before howling his release. Several minutes passed in panting silence while both lovers came down from the addictive high.

Buffy gave him a tired smile as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

“I love you.”

Angelus’ response was silence, but he buried his face in her neck.

“Buffy? Is that you?”

Falling away from her lover in shock, Buffy quickly pulled down her skirt and attempted to shield him with her body.

“Father Marion!”

He came forward, walking around the refuse littering the ground. Looking at her situation through his eyes, Buffy experienced a gut-wrenching stab of shame. ‘I was fucking Angelus in the dark, against a wall, in the middle of all this garbage. And I didn’t care until now.’

“Buffy, that’s Angelus with you.” The gentleness in his gaze was replaced by innocent confusion. “I don’t understand…”

Before she could attempt to explain the unexplainable, Angelus began growling. Without turning around she knew he had morphed into his vampiric visage.

“Who the fuck are you, padre? And how do you know my woman?”

“Your woman?”

“You heard me, Priest.” The last word was said as the vilest curse. “How do you even know her name?”

Instead of answering, he took a few steps forward only to stop when Angelus growled, “Take another step and I gut you where you stand.”

“Angelus! Don’t say that!”

Father Marion wisely stood in place. “Buffy, I was on my way to meet Giles, when…” His words trailed off as the need for explanation was painfully unneeded.

She took a step forward only to be brought short by Angelus’ hand. Keeping his hard gaze trained on the priest he bit out, “This is what you were keeping from me?”

“Angelus…”

“Answer me." His low, controlled voice disappeared in an explosion of fury. "NOW!”

Ducking from the rage flaring in his smooth voice, she whispered, “Yes.”

“Well, isn’t that fucking lovely?” Tightening his grip on her shoulder he viciously asked, “How long have you been seeing him?”

After hearing his question Buffy feared Angelus was thinking the worst of her. “It’s not like that---”

“I know it’s not. If it was, you’d both be dead now.” Without sparing Father Marion another glance he looked down and asked, “How long have you been hiding this from me?”

“I wasn’t trying to hide---”

“Shut your mouth before you get it worse. If you are even capable of speaking the truth right now, I want you to FUCKING tell me!”

Mortified beyond words Buffy mumbled, “About a month.”

“A month? You’ve been going to see this Christ-fucker for about a MONTH?” Angelus shoved Buffy towards the waiting priest and sneered, “Later, Slayer. What we have to discuss is best suited without an audience.” Strolling out of the alley he disappeared, leaving behind a visibly shaken 17-year-old girl.

Buffy felt Father Marion’s hand tentatively touch her arm.

“Come on, Buffy. We should go before Giles becomes worried.”

Hastily wiping away her tears she looked up at him. It took tremendous courage to say the next words in an even tone.

“I might not deserve this, but I would appreciate it if you let me tell him first.”

“Tell him what?”

Buffy held out her hand in equal parts frustration and supplication “Please…don’t…DO this. You know what I’m talking about.”

Father Marion calmly did his best to soothe the upset girl before him. “I’m not going to say anything to Giles, Buffy.”

“Why not?” she asked warily, ignoring the selfish spurt of relief.

“Because it’s not my place.” Reading the question in her eyes, the priest explained, “I’m in the business of keeping secrets, not telling them. It’s a delicate balance, but one that I’ve had many years of experience doing.”

“You understand that I’ve been keeping this secret from everyone, don’t you?”

“I’m starting to understand that.”

“And you’re still willing to keep it quiet, even though it goes against everything we stand for?”

Father Marion stood quietly by her side for a moment before answering. “I cannot judge you for your choices, Buffy. I know that for whatever reason this occurred, you believed it was right.”

She let out a despondent laugh. “And you think this all without asking any questions?”

“Yes, I do,” he answered immediately. “Although I do have many questions to ask concerning this situation, the most important one I need to know is this: are you safe with him?”

“Am I safe?” Glancing away she tightly answered, “As safe as I’ve always been.”

“I see.” Holding out his arm he suggested, “Shall we go?”

Buffy nodded briefly and walked out the alley. They walked in silence for a minute before Father Marion hesitantly asked, “Can I ask you one question?”

Staring straight ahead she nodded.

“I heard you tell him you loved him. Is that true?”

She clenched her jaw once and then answered, “Yes.”

The rest of the walk elapsed into silence until they reached the church. “Buffy---you don’t need to suffer this alone. You can talk to me if the pressure gets to be too much. I’m here to listen---not judge.”

"Thank you." Walking up the stone steps she grimly wondered just how tangled her life had now become.

True to his word, Father Marion didn’t tell Giles anything. If the Watcher thought his Slayer to be a bit more quiet than normal, he had chalked it up to maidenly embarrassment because of the subject’s frank carnality.

She was quiet because she had been horribly humiliated and not just because of what Father Marion had seen in the alley. It was also because of what he had seen afterwards.

“Umm…Buffy?”

Pausing in the church foyer she somberly answered, “Yes?”

The priests cheeks flushed pink as he looked away and murmured, “You, ah, probably need to go to the, ah, restroom.”

“Why?”

“There’s, ah, blood…umm…on your thighs.”

“What?” Quickly looking down she nearly began crying from the mortification. Sex with Angelus had apparently smeared a noticeable amount of blood all over her inner thighs. Which meant she had walked all the way from the alley to the church like that.

“Oh! I…umm…I’ll be back in a minute.”

Running into the bathroom she made quick work of cleaning herself. As she dropped the bloodied tissue into the toilet, Buffy could feel several tears roll down her cheeks. The need to cry was so overpowering but she couldn’t give in.

‘Not here.’

So with a quick sniffle she left the stall, washed her hands, and forced her face into a smooth mask of counterfeit normalcy.

Remembering that night still made Buffy want to cry. But just as then she couldn’t give into her tears, neither could she do it now.

“I get it now. The Regnatix scale was designed as a curse in the form of gift, right? Whoever finds it will be granted their heart’s desire, but in return they’ll have to pay with what’s most dearest to them.”

“You’ve got it, Buffy.”

“Well, that’s crappy.”

“Colorful choice of words, but I agree---most crappy.”

Resting her chin on her hands, she wondered, “Where’s the scale now?”

Father Marion glanced up from his book and answered, “In the vaults of a government agency.”

His reply surprised her. Buffy’s back straightened up as she asked, “Really? So, it’s not with the Watcher’s Council?”

“No. Much to their displeasure I might add.” Sliding the book across the table, the priest said, “Here, look at this passage and tell me what you think.”

The rest of the afternoon passed by in a blur until Buffy’s head fairly ached. At the pace she was going she would soon become a demonology expert. Their session finally came to a close---just in time to meet Giles for training.

Bidding her warm farewell to Father Marion, Buffy briskly made her way to the library, but not before checking her hidden cell phone. No calls. She slipped it back into her bag and glumly wondered at how she had managed to muddle through the mess she called her life.

Sitting with legs crossed on the couch, Buffy felt edgy. While Angelus had barely spoken two words to her, he had made it clear that she was not to leave. She sighed and continued to flip through the channels, hoping to find something that would keep her attention from the vampire who was feverishly poring over his numerous books.

“Buff, come here.”

She set the remote down and eagerly obeyed. ‘Finally!’ The stone floor felt cold beneath her feet, making her wish she at least had a pair of socks to wear. Buffy stopped right beside his chair and quietly waited.

Angelus looked up and impatiently brushed her hair off her neck. He peered at the skin closely before making a sound of disgust. “Turn around,” he barked, barely waiting for her to move before spinning her around himself.

Buffy could feel his fingers quickly probing the skin around her shoulders, as if he were looking for something. While the feel of his hands on her body stirred the familiar and welcome sensation of desire, apparently it didn’t for him.

“Alright, you can go.”

Nodding her head, she despondently walked back to the couch and sat down in a huff. ‘What’s the point of being naked if he’s not going to even play?’ An assessing light brightened her eyes, turning them into hazel pools of mischief.

“Angelus?”

He didn’t even lift his head.

“Hmm?”

She made her voice girlish and soft.

“I’m cold. See? My nipples are completely hard because it’s so cold.”

“Mmm…”

The seconds passed as Buffy sat there---completely ignored.

“Angelus!”

“What?” he replied, a mere hint of irritation curling about the edge of his low voice.

“I’m cold.”

Without glancing up from his book he suggested, “Then go put some clothes on. I don’t even know why you’re naked when you always whine about how cold it is here.”

She frowned in annoyance as she shot back with, “Because you told me to always get naked when I come here!”

“Mmm…”

Tired of being ignored, Buffy bounded off the couch and stalked over to the table. Taking the book out from under his nose, she closed it with a neat flick of her wrist. Her actions directed the desired response in him.

Slamming his hands on the table, he roared, “Bitch, what the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

Buffy rested her fists on her hips and complained, “All you’ve been doing all night is going through these books! I’m here---naked---and you’ve barely looked at me!”

“Well, I’m looking at you now and you want to know what I see?” Without giving her a chance to answer he growled, “A spoiled, immature, rude, little BRAT!”

“Maybe, but I’m a NAKED brat,” she shot back while hopping on the table. Buffy crossed her arms and made it clear without words that she had no intention of leaving until she got what she wanted.

Angelus, however, had other plans.

He plucked her from the table and set her on her feet. “Lover,” he sighed impatiently, “life isn’t just about sex. There are other things that can take importance over the flesh.”

“Like what?”

“Like why the fuck was your priest able to see us? Man of God or not, he shouldn’t have been able to look past my illusion.” Grabbing the discarded text, he sat down and continued to read.

A minute passed while Buffy stood there---steaming in feminine pique. “I can’t believe this. I really can’t,” she muttered in disgust.

Without looking up, Angelus answered, “Alright, Baby. You win.”

“I do?”

“Yes.” He waved a negligent hand in the air and suggested, “Go crawl to the elevator and back.”

‘Of all the arrogant…patronizing…butt-head things to say! He's giving me something to do like I'm a child. He might as well tell me to go play with my dolls!’ Spinning around on her heel, Buffy stormed out of the library. She stomped over to her clothes in the living area and angrily jerked them on. Once dressed, she waited for a few minutes just to see if Angelus was going to come out. ‘I know he can hear me in here putting on my clothes.’

Nothing.

“I’m going home!”

“Walk home safely,” he replied in cheerful yet distracted voice.

Narrowing her eyes in frustration she yelled, “FINE!” and made her way home to end a most disagreeable night.

Buffy looked up and saw the high school looming up ahead of her. Whatever it was he had been looking for that night, he hadn’t been able to find. After that, Angelus started becoming unstable.

Many times he kept her close---to the point of suffocation.

“Where were you?”

“I was out slaying.” Shedding her dusty clothes, she let out a tired yawn.

“Why do I smell blood on you?”

Buffy looked up and saw his eyes were cold and hard. ‘I can’t read his mood.’ “Because it’s mine?”

“Don’t give me any of your smart-mouth attitude, Buff,” he snapped.

Kicking off her shoes, she wiggled her toes in relief. The silence stretched until it became alive with his foul disposition. She glanced at his set face and inwardly sighed. ‘He’s pissed.’ “I’m sorry, Master.” ‘That should appease him, although it still feels a little cheesy to call him that.’

His shoulders relaxed and the angry edge in his eyes seemed to dissolve. An amiable smile appeared on his mouth as he beckoned her closer. “Let me see you, lover.”

Approaching him, Buffy moaned in pleasure when his hands began massaging her weary shoulders. “Oh, that feels good.”

Angelus kissed her cheek and murmured, “Tough night, lover?”

“Mmm…yes.” Her head dropped forward, allowing his clever fingers better access. “They used swords tonight. One almost took my head off.”

He immediately stopped his soothing action. Carefully turning her around, Angelus demanded, “Explain.”

It took a great deal of resolve not to shrink back from the merciless rage in his black gaze.

“I staked them.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“What difference does it make? In the end, I staked them.”

“Bull. How did your head,” he paused to pull back her black collar, “almost leave your body?” He scraped a finger across the blood-encrusted skin and held it up, showing the black flecks marring his pale flesh.

The reason was so simple and yet so embarrassing to admit. ‘He won’t give up until I tell him. Damn.’ So she rushed out, “Itrippedovermyshoelace.”

A moment of silence elapsed before Angelus yelled, “You tripped over your shoelace!”

“Yes,” she growled, as her cheeks grew flushed.

“Jesus, Buffy! A shoelace? You almost died because of a fucking shoelace?”

“You’re making it sound worse than it is. I staked them within ten seconds after that. Night over, Slayer triumphant.”

He was unsatisfied with her simplifying the matter. Crossing his arms he stated, “That’s it. You’re not patrolling alone, anymore.”

Buffy cocked her head to the side and asked, “What do you mean?”

“I mean that I’m going to be there.”

“How? I mean, what if someone sees you?”

“They won’t and either way, I don’t give a shit. I can’t trust that you won’t make a mistake again.”

She bristled in irritation and pulled away. “I’ve been doing fine on my own, Angelus. I don’t need anyone babysitting me.” Wrapping his arms around her tiny frame, Angelus soothed her ruffled feathers and murmured, “Indulge me, Baby. I won’t interfere unless I have to.”

“Angelus…”

“Shhh, lover. Let me keep you close.”

Hearing the smooth tenderness in his voice, Buffy gave in. “Okay.” Wrapping her arms around his waist, she sighed, “I feel really gross. Do you mind if I take a shower first?” He shook his head and answered, “Here, let’s get you washed up and tucked in bed.”

"Tucked in bed? But what about...you know?"

"You're tired and I'm not a total beast. I can control myself."

"But I like it when you're a beast."

"Hmph. I'll keep that in mind. Now c'mon Baby---let's get these clothes off."

Other times, he pushed her away without remorse.

“Why are you here again?” Angelus snapped as he stormed into the foyer.

“Because you called me!”

His eyes betrayed confusion for a split-second before it was covered up by his usual arrogance.

“Well, I changed my mind. Go home.”

Buffy’s hurt feelings began to spark with rage. “I’m not some escort you can call up and dismiss whenever it pleases you, Angelus!”

His retort was cruel and calculated.

“You’re right, Buff. You’re not an escort---you’re my whore. And like an escort you have to listen to what I tell you to do. So if I tell you to go home, you go.”

Buffy gasped in hurt shock. Although she hated it, she could feel tears well in her eyes.

Angelus saw them and instead of smirking with sadistic pleasure, he scowled and complained, “Oh, no! Are you going to cry again?” Turning on his heel he yelled over his shoulder, “Just go home…baby!”

Buffy nodded to a few straggling students as she sprinted up the stone steps. Walking down the empty halls, she thought about training, Giles, and Angelus.

Always Angelus.

With easy confidence she approached the library doors and gave another thought to what had happened after she left that night. The next time she saw him, it was in one of her usual cemetery haunts. Angelus had acted as if nothing was wrong and dismissed her icy reception as job-related stress.

“Want me to rip out its heart for you, lover?”

Dodging a deadly axe, Buffy managed to narrow her eyes and grit out, “No, thanks.”

Calmly sitting on a headstone, Angelus watched her battle the Forentric demon. Although slimy and possessing eight meaty arms, it was surprisingly agile. However, the Master vampire appeared confident that his mistress would dispatch it quickly.

Albeit, with a few pointers from himself.

“You’re not even close to using your new strength. You’re still fighting like the old Slayer. You’re stronger than this.”

Nimbly jumping into the air, Buffy delivered a kick to the demon’s back and sent it flying forward at an incredible speed. “I think I can handle this without your commentary,” she replied in a tight voice as she grabbed the fallen axe off the ground.

“Buff, what’s with the attitude?”

She swung the axe over her head and quickly decapitated the Forentric. Its body immediately dissolved into a puddle of bubbling lavender slime. Using the axe’s long handle as support, Buffy leaned against it and impatiently blew a stray strand of blonde hair off her face.

“You tell me.”

Elegantly folding his hands in his lap, Angelus cocked his head and replied, “PMS?”

She closed her eyes and slowly counted to ten. “Do the words ‘whore’ and ‘go home’ mean anything to you?” she asked in a frigid voice.

“Hmm. Not really.” He slid off the headstone and approached his seething lover. “You done for the night?”

Buffy shot him a look of disbelief.

“Have you lost your damned mind?”

“That’s not a very nice thing to say, Baby.” Taking her by the shoulders, Angelus began musing, “You’re probably hungry and that’s why you’re so crabby. Do you want Chinese, burgers, or doughnuts? Or maybe all three? You know how I love to watch you eat…”

Walking alongside him, she shook her head and wondered why she was allowing him to charm her out of warranted anger.

“Hello, Buffy! How did your session with Father Marion go?”

She dropped her bag on the table and answered, “Pretty good. Like always.” Turning her attention to Jenny, Buffy murmured, “Hi, Ms. Calendar.”

The gypsy smiled and replied warmly, “Hello, Buffy. We haven’t had a chance to talk lately.”

“No, we haven’t.” Although the Slayer had been able to move past the debilitating rage and betrayal that had originally paralyzed her relationship with Jenny, she still hadn’t been able to recapture the trust of before. Which probably has more to do with Angelus than her. “But Giles and Father Marion have been keeping me pretty busy lately.”

“That’s true.” Jenny picked up her files and nodded to both Slayer and Watcher. “Well, I’ll get out of your hair and let you do your thing.”

“See ya!” Buffy murmured pleasantly.

Giles glanced over his shoulder at his charge before walking over to Jenny. In a low voice he stammered, “Yes, umm…I’ll…umm…call you tonight.”

She grinned at his boyish embarrassment and lightly touched his arm. “I’ll be waiting, Rupert. Don’t chicken out on me.” Jenny gracefully turned away and walked out the door.

Feeling his Slayer’s amused gaze on him, Giles felt mildly flustered. He cleared his throat and stated, “Well, now.”

“Well,” Buffy mimicked.

“Ah, you should, umm…suit up.”

“Yep.”

“Alright then.”

“Alright.” But instead of leaving, Buffy stayed in place, with a knowing smile on her lips.

Realizing she had no intention of leaving until she shared at least one comment, Giles took on the air of a martyr and waved his hand. “Very well, Buffy. I’m waiting.”

“What?”

“You’re not fooling me with that mischievous expression, girl,” the Watcher announced sourly. “Out with it!”

“Alright.” Picking up her bag she sang, “Giles has a girlfriend! Giles has a girlfriend!” The expression of mortification on his staid face was comical. Dashing out of the room before he could begin to stutter in offended outrage, Buffy laughed softly to herself.

He deserves to have someone to share his life with. Especially considering how much of it he’s had to sacrifice---not just for me but for everyone else.

Arriving at the girls’ bathroom, she quickly began stripping off her clothes. Although the weather was turning warmer, Buffy had been forced to wear a long skirt because of Angelus’ whims the night before.

“The chains are too long!”

“Why do you say that?” he asked as he casually lay against the headboard.

“Because it’s hanging halfway down my thigh.”

The vampire barely gave his mistress a glance before he smoothly answered, “I like it like that.”

Buffy stomped her foot like a child and cried, “Angelus!”

He arched a dark brow in warning.

“Be a good girl and quit whining.”

She ignored his subtle advice and huffed instead, “But I’ll have to wear jeans or a long skirt tomorrow.”

“So?”

“The weather’s going to be warm tomorrow. I wanted to wear my new skirt in celebration.”

“The one that nearly shows all of your ass?”

She replied, “It doesn’t,” as she shoved her head through her shirt’s collar.

“Hmm. I don’t like it. Get rid of it.”

Buffy paused in the middle of slipping on her pants.

“What?”

“Burn it, give it away, or throw it away. I don’t care what you do, just don’t wear it.”

“But you bought it for me!”

“Then I’ll buy you something else.” Closing his eyes, Angelus ordered, “Now hurry up before Joyce wakes up and discovers you gone.”

The beautiful chains sparkled in the half-light, silently reminding her how generous Angelus could be.

And yet…

Things have changed and not for the better. I don’t know where I stand with him. Anything can make him smile. Anything can make him lash out. Anything can me him treat me like an object---one to be held or broken.

She somberly dressed herself as she thought how ever since Father Marion had walked in on them, Angelus’ rages would flare up for no apparent reason and his cruelty was never sharper. It was during these times that Buffy could do nothing right.

“No, goddamnit! Do it perfect this time!” Re-buttoning his pants, Angelus coldly waited for her to begin her task. Again.

Fighting back her tears of frustration and dismay, Buffy arched her body as high as it could go from her kneeling position, and started to unbutton his leather pants with her teeth.

It was difficult to keep from slipping off the metal buttons, yet she was determined not to fail. ‘I have to make him happy. Whatever it takes---I have to make him happy.’

“Stop frowning! You look like you’re tasting dirt. Is that how you feel?”

Before she could answer, Angelus pushed her away in disgust.

“You’re wasting my time, Bitch.”

Shamed beyond words, she held out her hands in supplication. “I’m sorry! Please!”

He began pacing in agitation. “Please? Please? What about pleasing me? I thought I was important to you, Buff.”

“You are!”

Coldly staring down his aristocratic nose, he hissed, “Obviously not! You insult me with your sloppiness!”

“I’m trying hard---” Buffy’s explanation was cut short by a heartless slap across the face.

Ignoring the stricken expression in her hazel eyes, Angelus stormed away. He quickly returned with a plain, black collar and length of chain.

“W-What’s that for?” When she received no reply, Buffy jumped up to her feet and ran. Within seconds she felt a sharp sting in her scalp. “Ah!”

Jerking her back by her hair, Angelus immediately fastened the collar about her neck along with the chain. “Stop fighting me before I muzzle you as well!” he growled in her ear.

Buffy went limp and tears began flowing down her face in earnest.

He pulled her forward and pointed to an enormous painting hanging over the fireplace. “I took down Aimee and put you up instead. Do you know why?”

“Why?” she whispered pitifully, hating the knowledge of knowing that all the portraits on the wall were of past lovers---some of which had died by his hand.

“Because I thought you could surpass that pretty ballerina! I believed you were more accomplished, more worthy than that faithless creature. I see that I was severely mistaken.”

“Angelus…”

“Shut-up!” Gripping her chin, he forced Buffy to look up at the oil rendition of herself. “That is what I want!” he growled. “Not this pitiful excuse of obedience you’ve displayed tonight, but THAT! In the span of one day you gave me everything you had. You pushed yourself beyond limit to please me. THAT is worthy of eternal adoration, not THIS.”

Dropping her eyes in humiliation, she whimpered, “I’m sorry. I’ll do better. I promise.”

“Get down on all fours, Bitch.”

She obeyed him miserably and desperately tried to find away to ease his fury. Bending down, she ran her lips over his booted feet. ‘I don’t want him angry like this. I want to make him smile. I’ll do anything to make him smile.’

Buffy thought she had succeeded when Angelus crouched down and gently brushed a finger across her trembling lips. However, his softly spoken words declared otherwise.

“Not good enough, Buff.”

Holding the chain in his hand he stood up and started walking towards his bedroom. “You know, lover,” he began conversationally, “I’ve been beyond patient with you. However, tonight my patience is at its end.” Stopping in front of the double doors, he commanded, “Open them.”

Buffy immediately obeyed, hoping to appease him with her actions.

Angelus walked through with her in tow. “You’ve been spoiled, disobedient, and bad. As punishment you will not be allowed to sleep in the bed.”

The realization of what he intended to do sliced Buffy to the core. “No,” she whispered in plaintive distress as she drew to a stop.

“And here is yet another example of what a poor consort you’re turning into.” He flicked the chain in his hand against her back and drew a surprised cry. “Keep moving!”

She sat there frozen as tears flowed down her pale face. ‘I’m not an animal. I’m not.’

“Buffy…it seems that you’ve forgotten who I am. You’ve forgotten that I’m not your precious Angel. I’m not making a request.”

The menace in his cruel voice made her shiver. ‘He’s so angry with me right now. Why didn’t I just do it right the first time? Why?!’ With a suppressed sob, she began crawling forward.

“The floor will be cold but I’m sure it’s nothing you can’t handle.” He secured the chain to the bed’s post with efficient motions. Looking at her bowed head, Angelus murmured, “I know you can get free anytime you want, lover. I welcome you to prove how utterly worthless you really are.”

With those parting words, he shed his pants and slipped beneath the luxurious sheets.

As the minutes melted into one another, Buffy had never felt so miserable and broken. ‘He’s right. I am worthless. I’m stupid and worthless as a woman and a Slayer. I let him abuse me and I won’t stop. I don’t know how.’

Dissolving into anguished tears, Buffy cried until she finally slipped into an emotionally exhaustive sleep.

Hours later she woke to the feeling of a cool mouth delicately licking her breast.

“My poor, beautiful bitch. I’ve made her cry. Let me make it better…please?”

Clinging to him without shame, Buffy sobbed in relief and supplication.

“Bitch.”

The word became a caress as he licked a trail from her collared neck to her mouth.

“Bitch.”

She kissed his lips with all the aching and longing within her soul.

“You’re my bitch.”

“Yes.”

As he had taken her roughly on the cold marble floor, he had whispered one phrase over and over again: “My bitch.”

Walking back to Giles, Buffy wondered why everything was becoming so ugly. Mouthing appropriate words of enthusiasm over weapons training, she wondered how soon was hell going to overtake everything in her life. When will I break? When will it all become too much?

But most of all she wondered if there would ever be a way to erase the stain in Angelus’ heart. A stain that bore one word: distrust.

“Are you ready, Buffy?”

“Whenever you are.” Assuming a defensive stance, the Slayer held out her sword and waited.

When will you realize that I would never leave you? When will you realize that I do these things that I don’t want to, because I love you? When will that night come? When, Angelus? When?

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