"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it goes away." "But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so miserable." The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the block three or four times." "What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!" "We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said. It was a conference title game, and the sportscaster had mentioned several times that the place had been sold out long before game time. As he called the play-by-play, however, he kept noticing a single empty seat directly below his booth. The empty seat was bothering him, so he sent an assistant downstairs to find out what was going on. "Pardon me, sir," the assistant said to the man sitting next to the seat. "Do you happen to know why this seat is empty?" "Yeah. It's my wife's seat." "And why is it empty?" "She died." "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a friend to come to the game with you today?" "Impossible," the man said. "They're all at her funeral." A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action. The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson." A father often read Bible stories to his young children, One day he read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?" A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado. "What's wrong?" a woman asked. "I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said. "What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?" "He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes - any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two gotchas.'" "What's a gotcha?" asked the woman. "That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out 'Gotcha!'" "I can guess what happened," the woman said. "Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely." "Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?" The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball while waiting for that second 'gotcha!'" The principal had a problem with some girls who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints. Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it. One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. The principle then asked the custodian, who was present, to demonstrate. The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror. From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free. "I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news: The test came back, and your DNA is an exact match. "Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is down to 140!" Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the door glass. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register. He asked the store's owner "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep," the proprietor answered, "That's him." The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he chuckled. "Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." First Farmer: I used to quit plowing for lunch every day at exactly eleven-thirty. Second Farmer: Did you have a wristwatch or a pocket watch? First Farmer: Neither. The whistle at the sawmill blows every day at noon, and I would just quit a half-hour before I heard it.
