The Stoner (aka Pothead)
The Alcoholic
The Crackhead
The Acid Freak
The Heroin Addict
It is a beautiful warm spring day. The Alcoholic crashes throught the door of a messy
apartment building. The Acid Freak is sitting on the couch amazed by something that isn't
there. The Crackhead is in the bathroom with the Heroin Addict, who is busy trying not to have
a seizure on the floor. The Stoner is standing on the patio outside.
The Stoner walks in and picks The Alcoholic up off the floor.
The Stoner: Drunk again huh? Why don't you just smoke some weed and relax?
The Alcoholic: I'm not drunk. I would never smoke weed. That shit makes you forget everything.
They used to drug the troops in the Vietnam War with it, asshole.
The Stoner: Okay, just relax.
The Alcoholic: Fuck you! You tell me to relax one more time I'm gonna slap you in the face! You relax!
The Stoner: I am relaxed.
The Alcoholic: Fuck you! (goes into the bathroom to brush his teeth, encounters The Crackhead) And fuck you too!
What, are you at it again? What are you doing in here with The Heroin Addict?!
The Crackhead: Nothing. (walks out)
The Alcoholic: (to The Heroin AddictFuck you! All you are is a fucking no good asshole, just like the Crackhead, the Stoner,
and the Acid Freak! You are scum.
The Heroin Addict: (is just fidgeting around on the floor) Can you borrow me 20 bucks?(convulses)
The Alcoholic: Fuck you. Ask one of your no good friends. Get out of my sight. It's your fault that everything's like this.
The Stoner: (re-enters) Geez, would you just relax!
The Alcoholic: FUCK! YOU!
The Stoner: (laughs)(to the Heroin Addict) Wanna smoke a joint with me?
The Heroin Addict:(vomits all over the floor)
The Stoner: I guess not.
The Alcoholic: Fuck you. It's your fault everything's like this.
The Stoner: Like what?
The Alcoholic: (laughs) "Like what". Fucking idiot.
The Stoner: (laughs) Okay.
The Alcoholic: (passes out into the vomit of the Heroin Addict)
The Heroin Addict: (stands up now convulses and falls into the bathrub, choking on own vomit)
The Stoner: You know, since I do have a job, and I have some extra cash, I could lend you some, if you PROMISE to clean up all this puke. (laughs)
The Heroin Addict: (shaking like a freak) oooo.. kay (shake) I will.
The Stoner hands some money to the Heroin Addict. The Heroin Addict leaves the apartment.
The Stoner: And get rid of these needles! You know I'm afraid of them! (laughs)
The Stoner steps over The Alcoholic, walks into the living room and sits next to the Acid Freak. The Crackhead walks past and looks into the bathroom.
The Stoner: What are you looking for?
The Crackhead: Nothing.
The Stoner: (shrugs)(to the Acid Freak) Hi!
The Acid Freak: (just looks at the stoner but doesn't say anything)
The Stoner: What's up?!
The Acid Freak: Check out that smoke.
The Stoner: Smoke? Where?
The Acid Freak: (points to nothing) Right there.
The Stoner: Oh, cool. Hey, I have an idea. Wanna play basketball or something?
The Acid Freak: Sure, lets go! Wait, you look a lot like that person from Dukes of Hazzard, only if you were
a cartoon. I have to make some pizza though.
The Stoner: Great, I'm starving. (the Acid Freak walks into the kitchen) Hey, didn't you just turn that stove on before?
The Acid Freak: (screams in pain as he touches a hot burner)
The Stoner: (runs in there) I told you! (shrugs) Well, I guess that leaves me and the Crackhead.
The Acid Freak: (walks into the closet and covers up with a blanket)
The Crackhead: (crawling on the floor)
The Stoner: (laughing) What are you looking for?!
The Crackhead: Nothing. (gets up and walks to the window.)
The Stoner: (follow the Crackhead) Anybody out there?
The Crackhead: (ignores the Stoner, keeps looking out the window)
The Stoner: (laughing) Hey! Boo!
The Crackhead: (looks at the Stoner) Why are you following me?
The Stoner: (laughs) I'm not. (smiles)
The Crackhead: (walks into the hallway)
The Stoner: Don't go out there. The neighbors might see you all geeked.
The Crackhead: No, I'm not. (opens the outside door and peeks out)
The Stoner: (laughs and walks back inside, eats some peanut butter cups and then sits down to write a screenplay)
Starring:
The Stoner: (is standing at a podium) Thank you ladies and gentlemen. From the day I wrote my third Academy Award winning screenplay, I knew that one day I would become President of the United States of America. And from the day I became President, I knew I would make the world a better place by giving everyone pot. And finally today, I am able to stand before you, as President of the Milky Way Galaxy, and announce that every person living today loves every other person living on earth, there is no racism, no prejudice, and no bigotry. When God made weed, he/she knew what he/she was doing, I'll tell you that! Peace Out!!!!!!
The End.
